When you think too much, you are only feeding your fears.

“Lena” I acknowledged her presence with a fake smile.

It seems like the universe is really playing me right now. I am certain that I’ll see her here (given that she’s living here), but she appeared at a very bad time. I’m in a war with my myself, fighting different emotions that I don’t even know where they came from, with anger dominating, I’m not in the mood to in her stinky attitude.

While walking towards me, “You are not welcome here” she said. This woman may have the ugliest personality matched with a foul mouth, but she’s the perfect definition of fresh off bed- bare faced- flawless- beauty. I must say, she really is stunning even in pajamas.

“Lena…” Jiyong moved in front of me as if shielding me from his wife, “This isn’t a good time” he told her, but she didn’t budge.

She stopped in front of him with her hands on her waist, while her eyes bounce from him to me. She is wearing her devil-ish smile, “Your unofficial family is now under fire” she is talking to me, then she faked a laugh “Isn’t it wonderful? You guys are busted even before you can even prepare for it” Lena is giving off this ultimate mean girl vibe, “As much as I want to sympathize with you…I can’t…because I’m actually enjoying this”

Her insensitivity is getting worse as time passes by. She never really fails in pushing my wrong buttons whenever she speaks, triggering my inner beast to come out. As much as I want to respect her in her home like any sane human being does, I cannot bottle things up anymore. I won’t let her take our misfortune as her entertainment.

To be honest, I know this day will come even before Jiyong found us and I’ve been preparing myself for it since then, but for some reason now, I cannot help but to exaggerate. I was truly shaken by the paparazzi following us every chance they get. I imagined them there, but I didn’t think they are going to be so aggressive.

“Lena…” I lightly pushed Jiyong to the side, making way for me to his wife. Now face to face, I stared at her heavily for a while. She didn’t flinch. “Why do you I have a feeling that you’re the one behind all this?” I’ve been suspecting her for some time now. I mean, she’s the only person I can think of that has reasons to mess us up.

It is utterly wrong to accuse somebody of a deed they might’ve not done, but a strong voice is really telling me Lena is the root of all this. After all, she has reasons to ruin us with Jiyong eagerly pushing their divorce. She hates me and the kids so much she can throw us off the bus, exposing us raw, without feeling guilty. She has the aces to this crazy game and she’s already laying them all down one by one.

“Areumie” Jiyong grabbed me by the wrist.

I looked at him and lightly tugged my wrist for him to let go. All he can do is sigh and wait for whatever I’m about to do.

“You can come clean now, Lena” I inched forward and it somewhat frightened her. This woman is going to fold any time. I know her kind. She’s feisty, but there’s a limit to it.

“Spit it now!” I shouted at her “You’re the one behind all of this, right?” there’s almost no gap between us anymore.

Lena smirked and pushed me away from her, hard. Good thing Jiyong’s reflexes are fast he helped me keep my balance. “Are you that desperate that you resorted in involving my kids in this ?” my voice is so loud, it echoed in the room.

“Areumie… stop it now” Jiyong pulled me closer to him.

Seriously, why is he getting in the way? Can’t he see that I’m trying to get to the middle of this ? By knowing who started all this, we can prepare and arm ourselves well. Once we proved Lena is behind this, we can fight her by attacking her weak points that I’m expecting Jiyong perfectly know about.

I swear! For my kids, I am willing to fight all out, no matter how dirty and low it gets.

You see, when you’re already a parent, you cannot take even one blow to your children, especially when they are innocent of what happened in the past and how it all wrapped up in a mess. You may think I’m over reacting to the point of being exaggerating but this is how, us, parents, are programmed. We will fight even in our graves.

“Jiyongie!” I yelled at him, wishing for him to team up with me, but it seems like he’s not into it.

Annoyed, “What the Areumie!” he exploded, “What’s going on with you?” he looked at me sharply, “You’re like a rabid dog attacking anyone in your way” he is shouting at me and it made me tremble a bit.

“You don’t understand!” I countered.

He throws his head back in frustration, “I really don’t!” his voice is louder than mine.

I smirked, “Yeah, You freakin’ don’t!” I fired back.

He already reached his limit. “Then make me understand!”

All of a sudden, Lena started laughing (the kind of laugh that is both insulting and annoying at the same time), interrupting us. She’s comfortably sitting on the swivel chair of Jiyong’s work desk. It’s so obvious that she’s enjoying what she’s seeing. She enjoys us in shambles.

“Seriously Areum…” her eyes locked to mine “You are such a monster…wait….no…” she waved her index finger from left to right then snapped her fingers, “You’re a crazy dog who goes to someone’s home just to make a scene by barking non-stop…threatening to bite but is miserably failing” she chuckled “You got no class at all” she is looking down on me and it hurts a little.

The has the audacity to talk about class when she doesn’t have it either, not even a drip.

“You…!” I am oh-so ready to charge. I will show this woman how unclassy I can get.

“Hey” Jiyong grabbed me by the arm just in time, stopping me from attacking his wife. If he was a second late, my fingers are now wrapped around Lena’s hair as I pull real hard, her hair will be plucked like a chicken.

In rage, I glared at Jiyong, “Seriously, Areumie? You’re going down her level?” he asked. His grip on my arm is getting tighter as I try to wriggle out.

With one hard tug, he let go. “So…you’re on YOUR WIFE’S side now?” I emphasized.

Irritated, Jiyong stared at me for a while before screaming so damn loud, it nearly ripped off my eardrums.

“Gosh!” Lena covered her ears with her hands and I just rolled my eyes at her.

“OUT!” Jiyong suddenly yelled. I’m just not sure who he’s referring to.

Lena chuckled, “It seems like my husband wants you out now” she told me and all I want is to rip her head off.

Jiyong smirked, making me look at him. Why do I have a feeling that he’s really referring to me? Is he really kicking me out of their house?

“Lena” he called and received a victorious smile from his wife. Jiyong cleared his throat, “Out!” he told her, shocking me.

The room is silent. Lena isn’t moving a muscle.

After a few seconds, Jiyong walked to the door and opened it “Out!” he shouted at her, making the both of us flinch.

Totally embarrassed and humiliated, Lena stands up from her seat. On her way out, she stopped in front of Jiyong, “You will pay for this” she threatened him and walked out without looking back.

The room is filled with tension and high emotions it’s getting harder to breath. Jiyong and I are far away from each other. He’s standing by the window, looking outside, occupied by deep thoughts, while I am sitting on the chair Lena was sitting on a few minutes ago.

It may be because I’m tired and exhausted, but my emotions are slowly dying down. This visit is a mistake. If only I can bring back time, I would’ve just stayed at home and let him deal with the matter for the meantime. I should’ve saved myself from embarrassment.

“I’ll go now” It’s been thirty minutes of pure silence and it’s deafening already. Also, I’m so over everything, all I want to do is go home to my kids, hug them tight and get some strength from them.

Jiyong snapped back to his senses, “Huh?”

I sighed and stand up, “I’ll go now” I repeated.

He didn’t say anything for a second. He just stared at me as I stare back at him. There is regret in his eyes and I’m sure he can see the same in mine too. He also might be asking himself, how did all this happen?

Looking at him, it’s just now that I noticed he lost a lot of weight from the last time I saw him. His dark circles are so visible he must’ve been getting lesser sleep nowadays. Jiyong looks frail and it’s breaking my heart.

“Can you drive? I can drive for you if you can’t” he is still thinking of me even after all the stress I brought him this morning.

I shake my head, “Don’t bother anymore. I can drive” I replied and was about to go out of the room when he called me.

“Areumie…”

 “Yeah?”

He raised his index finger but put it down again “Nothing” he said, building up my curiosity. With a half-hearted smile, “Drive Safe!” he said and headed to the bathroom in his room, leaving me dumbfounded.

Alone in my car with its engine running, I zoned out. This morning is surreal. I cannot believe that I lashed out on Jiyong when he’s also a victim. I might look like I left without an ounce of guilt when truth is, I am dying in guilt. If there’s one lesson I learned from this, it’s to not deal with things with pent up emotions, because it will surely end badly.

The moment I arrived at my apartment, I looked for the kids and hugged them tightly. It’s Saturday, they got no school which means I have to mask my worries and bond with them without thinking about anything else but fun. It is going to be a challenge, but I will not let our problems affect them.

“Areumie” Unnie knocked on my door that is actually wide open.

It’s mid-afternoon and the kids are taking a nap, giving me some time for myself. I was planning to sleep because I am seriously tired. Thing is, I can’t sleep. I just keep on tossing and turning in bed until I gave up and just zoned out by staring at my white ceiling.

“Unnie”

She walks in with a tray, “I prepared some snacks for you” she placed it in front of me in bed and take a sit, “Jiyong told me what happened” she sighed, “We just finished talking …he asked me how you’re doing” she giggled “I told him you were able to eat lunch even when you keep on zoning out” she continued, making me laugh.

I take a deep breath while recalling the craziness of this morning. “It is a mistake” I speak out “I mean…going there is a mistake” I followed up with tears pooling in my eyes.

Unnie reached for my hand and holds it with so much care, “Areumie…you should have stayed calm” she said and I just sighed, “We get you…you reacted that bad because things are getting worst instead of getting better…but…” she squeezed my hand “You’re torturing yourself for no reason at all” she looked straight into my eyes “Things may not go the way you wanted them to be…it …but it’s already happening…the truth is unraveling itself faster than intended and the best way to do is to take it as it is…it will eventually happen anyway”

“But…” I am losing my words. I guess I’ve already used them all up a while ago.

She pats my hand “Areumie…you need to keep on fighting in order to get somewhere and running away is not the solution to this” a smile appeared on her face once again “You are a strong woman…you can do this” Unnie is giving me the enlightenment I badly needed and it’s helping big time.

As time passes by, I’m finally getting control of myself again. With the help of Unnie, I’m starting to believe that the mess our family is in right now will soon clear up. It might not happen soon, but definitely it will, later. To be able to get there, Jiyong and I have to team up and try not to fall apart.

                                                                                                                                                  ****

[G-dragon, admitted to having children]

[“I am a proud Father of two wonderful kids” – G-dragon]