JIYONG

Sometimes it’s better to go away than force yourself in.

I am trembling in anger. My head is so full of thoughts. My heart feels as if it dropped to my feet.

I cannot understand it. Why is Areum so damn hard on herself? I get her. I swear, I do. I know how hard things will be if we bring our relationship to another level. But, isn’t it harder to bottle strong feelings up for long?

For these past few days, I thought we’re going somewhere with her sudden change of treatment towards me. After what happened to us in my car, that sunny morning, a week ago, she eased up on her no intimacy rule. For the record, I didn’t force myself to her. When things started heating up, I asked if she’s sure we can go on with it, she answered me with a passionate kiss, a silent way to tell me to go for it.

I’m damn sure it’s not just lust that made us do it. For, every second of that intimate moment together feels so perfect as if our bodies worked long for that day to feel right again. It’s just saddening that Areum seem to have forgotten everything in a blink of an eye.

Frustrated and still fuming in anger, I chose to go to the studio instead of going home. I can’t let my kids see me in this state. As I get closer to Ethan and Emma, I’ve noticed how sensitive they are of my feelings. It’s as if they see through me now, sometimes it worries me because I might be too transparent for them. On the other hand, I feel good about it because I can finally say that I already have a strong connection with them, one of the many wishes I prayed for to happen.

“OH!” Youngbae is all alone in the studio.

 “Hey” I greeted him lamely and plopped myself on the couch behind him.

“What’s up?” he asked without looking at me.

I took a minute to answer, “I’m so freakin’ mad at Areum” I ruffled my hair and screamed with my face buried on a throw pillow.

“Aigoo…” Youngbae turned his chair to face me “What is it now?” he sighed and patiently waited for my answer.

And I told him everything from what happened a week ago to today. Being reminded of it brings back all the emotions I felt at certain moments. And, I must’ve really been aging already, for I cried in the middle of storytelling, bringing Youngbae a good laugh because I was never like this before.

“Like you…I get where she’s coming from” Youngbae leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Yes… she told you about not wanting to be in a relationship with you in your marriage…she even put limitations…what I can’t understand is…why does she still keep on giving you mixed signals? Why didn’t she put a clear line as to where you can only go? And…why does she keep on reciprocating the sweetness and mush when she’s not for it in the first place?

I suddenly want to ask all these questions to Areum.

“It’s wouldn’t be your fault if she messes up again” Youngbae followed.

Well, she would’ve not messed up if I didn’t mess up in the first place. If only I didn’t let Lena fool me into marrying her, Areum and I are probably the ones married now. She wouldn’t runaway with our children and I wouldn’t have to fight for my freedom just to have a shot on true love once again.

Time passed with me calmer but not over what happened yet. Unexpectedly, Daesung and CL dropped by the studio and eventually decided to hangout with Youngbae and I. They made me share my whole story again. This time, I was able to tell it all without tears and with steadier emotions.

“Areum knows what she deserves” CL said after hearing everything “No woman wants to be a mistress…nor be accused to be one” she sighed “Not because Jiyong Oppa and Lena are already separated it gives a pass for another relationship to start”

“Areum not taking a risk means she’s just being careful…she’s got children to protect…a reputation to maintain…”

“Wait” Youngbae cut her off “It’s not just her who has kids to protect and a reputation to maintain” he then looked at me and back to CL “Jiyong does too” he countered, sounding so defensive and competitive.

This is Youngbae doing what he does best, that is protecting me. He won’t let me lose.

“If she’s sharing the same feelings with him…how can she keep it all in while he can’t?” Youngbae talks to CL as if I’m not there “Isn’t there a saying that Love conquers all…no matter what the circumstances are and the misfortunes it brings?” he confidently leaned back to his chair “Yes…Areum will come off as a mistress in a non-existent marriage…but doesn’t she want Jiyong to be happy after so many years of misery brought by her? He nearly lost his mind looking for her and the kids at the same time dealing with a wife who is so toxic that is more poisonous than most chemicals out there”. No . This made me laugh. The comparison is hilarious.

“She should’ve laid down all her cards on the table at day one so that Jiyong knows where to stand...” he raised his index finger and waved it from left to right “But she didn’t…she let him cross the line giving this impression that she might be good to be in a relationship already”. I am in disbelief of how fired up Youngbae is just because of my issues. “Yes…Jiyong might’ve expected too much…too early…but what if Lena doesn’t want to give up their marriage? Will Areum still wait until she gives up not knowing when and how long it may take?”

Strong tension embraces the room. Youngbae is arguing CL, while Daesung and I listen quietly on the side. It seems like we are split to Team Jiyong and Team Areum.

“Oppa” CL called Youngbae “If Areum really loves Jiyong Oppa like what she’s saying…she will wait until whenever for him…let’s not be negative about her…she has been through a lot and is still going through a lot now” then she looked at me “I think it’s better to just go  with her pace Oppa…you know how she feels about you anyway…in one way or another you already have an assurance that by the end of it all you’ll have her waiting for you”

There was a minute long silence. The four of us can only look at each other while thinking and considering each other’s point.

All of a sudden, Youngbae sighed heavily, breaking the silence. “Chaerin’s right” he is calmer now “We shouldn’t be negative about Areum” I can see remorse on his face.

I patted his knee “It’s all good…you’re just carried away by my emotions” I consoled him.

He chuckled “I’m too riled up that I just talked and talked and talked without thinking if I’m still making a point or not” he said, cracking us up in laughter.

“Oppa…you’re actually making a point…it’s just a little off place” CL comforted him by patting his back.

Daesung laughed louder, “You just proved how bad you’re going to be if you become a lawyer Hyung” he joked.

“Yah!” I faced him “He defended me good” I countered, earning a smirk from CL “He’s just too carried away that he lost his argument along the way” I added and we laughed once again.

It seems like my decision of coming to the studio is good, for I was able to lighten the heaviness I’m feeling and was enlightened by good words as well.

After teasing each other and laughing our butts off, I was serious again “Thank You for this” I sincerely told them “My emotions are in ruins a while ago…I’m lucky I got you guys to talk to in times when my problem is my other best friend”

Youngbae hissed, “How many times will I tell you that Areum is not your bestfriend” he pointed at himself “Only I am”

CL raised an eyebrow “What is Areum then, Oppa?” she asked.

He gave out his trademark cute smile, making me smile as well. “Areum is Jiyong’s person” he answered and it made my stomach tie in knots “She is the one made specially for him…they might be big trouble together…but…I strongly believe they are destined for each other”

This is a perfect definition of Areum for me. That woman, no matter how crazy and stupid she can get, is MY person. That one individual who I can perfectly relate to. The one soul mine can speak to. We may be in a mess all the damn time, but we make it through no matter what.

SIX MONTHS LATER…

“Daddy, wake up!” Emma is shaking me real hard.

Truth is, I was just starting to sleep. I’m too tired to move a muscle. Why must she wake me up already?

Big Bang just ended our comeback promotions with, well…a BIG BANG! I must admit, during our first weeks of recording, we are having second thoughts about our choice of songs simply because they are too straightforward, too intense, too bold. The five of us wrote these songs throughout our wait to reunite again, releasing our frustrations, anger, longing, love, and gratefulness to the world. Our newest album is a piece of our hearts, specially made for the people who waited.

“Daddy!” she climbed up my bed and sit on my back “DAAADDYYY!” she bounces up and down while screaming “Dadddyyy!!!”  it’s making my ear ring so bad.

There are only two people in the whole wide world that can wake me up this intense. First is Areum. Second, Emma. As for Ethan, he’s too shy to wake me up.

“Daddddyy!!!”

Feeling playful, I ignored her noise, pretending to be asleep. “It’s our birthday Daddy!” she shouted in glee. After all the screaming and bouncing, she collapsed on my back, “Happy Birthday Emma and Jiyongie” she said lamely, making me want to laugh at her cuteness.

“Happy Birthday to you…Happy Birthday to you…Happy Birthday Happy Birthday…” I sing to her and that’s when she sits up and transferred beside me, lying on her stomach as well.

“You’re awake now!” her face lights up in glee.

Oh my heart. It can only take enough cuteness.

“No…Daddy wants to sleep more” I told her.

To my surprise, she gets up from behind me and slammed her body back on my back. Sometimes I really feel like a human jungle gym because of Emma. She loves hanging on to me, jumping on me and body slamming me. A couple of days ago, she charged at me like a bull just because she feels like it. I guess I can blame their unexpected love for WWE for this. She and Ethan are hooked as of the moment and they are testing some wrestling moves on me. I wouldn’t be shocked if one day, I’ll go on stage with bruises everywhere or worse, even a broken bone.

“Ah!” I winced “Tap out!” I smacked my hand on the pillow beside me “Daddy’s going to break already” I joked, earning the most heartwarming laugh from her.

One good thing about Emma is she listens and obeys right away. A trait I’m sure she didn’t get from either her Mother or I.

“Happy Birthday to us!” I shouted merrily, making her more excited.

She showed me four fingers “I’m four now Daddy” she looks so proud to have added a year to her age.

“Aigoo” I pulled her for a tight embrace “Happy Birthday my four years old baby princess” I said while keeping her in my arms until she wriggles out.

“I’m no baby anymore!” she placed her hands on her waist like an old lady reprimanding a young kid “I’m four now”

“What do you think four year olds do?” I randomly asked.

She pondered for a while then snapped up, “I can have a boyfriend now”

What? Who told her this?

I raised an eyebrow “A boyfriend?”

She nodded “Yes! Aunt Dami told me that I am allowed to have a little boyfriend now”

Noona! AISH!

“Listen to me BABY princess” I emphasized, earning a pout from her “You are not allowed to have a boyfriend until you’re fifty”

This is insane! For a second there, I saw myself years from now, being a protective Father. I cannot imagine how I will be like once she tells me that a guy is already courting her.

While looking at my daughter happily skipping ahead of me to the living room, I cannot help but feel sad because I keep on thinking of the years I’m not by her side. I wasn’t there to witness her firsts unlike with Ethan. It would’ve been lovely to hear her first word, which is “Yeah” according to Areum. I was able to see the video of her taking her first steps but it would’ve been so nice to personally be there, cheering for her and catching her if she falls. I know I can never bring back time. That’s why, I make sure that I’m there in every milestone my kids will have now.

Just a few days ago, I taught her how to ride a bicycle. I bought one for her and Ethan without asking for Areum’s permission. The kids told me that their Mom doesn’t want them to own a bicycle because it’s dangerous, so they just borrow from their friends and have a short ride around the park once in a while.

“Our birthday celebrants!” Omma welcomed us energetically. Emma ran to her and showered her with kisses “Aigoo…Happy Birthday my princess” she greeted her granddaughter lovingly, making my heart leap.

“I’m four now Halmeoni” Emma is just so proud to be four.

I hugged Omma and received a kiss on the cheek from her “Happy Birthday Son” she greeted.

I gave a playful salute “Thanks Omma!” I said, making her giggle.

“Did you know that Noona told Emma that she’s allowed to have a boyfriend now that she’s four?”

Omma bursts out in laughter “Are you now?” she asked her beautiful granddaughter.

“Yes” she replied “But…Daddy changed it…he said I’m allowed to have a boyfriend when I’m fifty”

This morning is just so bright and bubbly. I may be tired, but I won’t have this morning any other way.

As usual, Emma volunteered to help Omma prepare breakfast. They’ve been bonding really well over it. Ethan on the other hand, is probably with Appa at the park, exercising with him.

About four months ago, Areum agreed to let the kids live with me and the family instead of living with her. She’s too busy with school that she cannot really do the things to be done around the house and cannot take care of the kids as much too. At first, Ethan and Emma are against it. The mere fact that they will leave their Mom alone saddens them, but eventually agreed after we assured them that Areum will spend her free time with us.

Sad to say, it’s not what happened. As days go by, Areum is more occupied by her studies and residency, a day is not enough to get everything done.

Also, our relationship become so awkward after our last fight, that we haven’t talked longer than a minute since then. I don’t know what’s going on, but neither of us are addressing the problem and doing something about it. We’re just letting things be. We only get to talk about our kids usually on the phone and hang up right after. Whenever she stops by the apartment to say hi to the kids, I’ll keep my distance and let them have their short reunion.

“Happy Birthday Daddy!” Ethan, together with Noona surprised me with a cake and balloons.

“WOW!” I exclaimed and crouched in front of him “Thank you very much my superman” I ruffled his hair, making him giggle.

“Don’t forget to make a wish before you blow the candle Daddy” he reminded me, patiently waiting for me to blow the candle.

I got the cake from him “Let’s make a wish together” I said and he excitedly shut his eyes and I do too.

With his hands in a praying position, “Please give my Daddy a long…long…long…life” he whispered a little too loud for me to hear. This melted my heart.

I can proudly say that life has really been good to me this year, and being a Father highlights it. Not in my wildest dreams have I imagined Fatherhood to be this smooth and blissful.

With me in tow, we surprised Emma in the kitchen with the same cake and balloons that Ethan used to surprise me. My lovely daughter even shed a tear because she’s so touched by her brother’s sweet gesture.

“Make a wish!” Noona told Emma and she enthusiastically clasped her hands and closed her eyes.

“I wish turtles and dolphins and whales to be safe from straws and plastics underwater” she said out loud.

At a very young age, I can see an environmentalist in Emma already. She became aware of some environmental issues after watching a documentary on TV. From then on, she is already conscious of using plastics and some other stuff. She is strict with trash segregation too. She refuse to use plastic straws for the turtles’ sake and doesn’t want to use paper straws either, because papers are from trees and she feels like with every use of paper straws, a tree is being cut down. So, in replacement she made me buy metal straws not only for the whole family but for her classmates as well.

“Did Areum call already?” Noona asked while we’re cleaning up the table after breakfast.

I stopped wiping “No…not yet” I answered plainly and go back to what I’m doing.

“Do you think she’ll be able to make it to the party later?”

I shrugged “I don’t know…maybe”

Few weeks ago, I asked Emma what she wants to do on her birthday. For days, she keeps on changing her mind, from going to Disneyworld to watching WWE live. Finally, after much thinking and considerations, she decided on having a joint party with me instead. Noona planned everything because as much as I want to be hands on in the planning, I can’t, for my schedule is packed. As for Areum, she knows about the party but we didn’t ask her for help anymore.

“She still doesn’t want gifts?” TOP Hyung asked over the phone. He said he’s been online shopping and thought of Emma.

I chuckled, “No Hyung” I replied, earning a laugh from him.

My lovely daughter strictly told us that she doesn’t want any gifts. Instead, she wants her guests to do something for the environment by donating any amount to charities.

“Daddy” Ethan walked in my bedroom carrying a box and a wrapping paper. He climbed up my bed and placed the box in front of me. “This is my gift for you” then he pulled out the wrapping paper underneath the box “I don’t know how to wrap a gift…so…here’s the wrapping paper…if you want you can keep it” he is too cute for words!

“I was about to ask Aunt Dami for help but she already left for Dolce Vita…Halmeoni is in the bath...and Harabeoji…” he looked down , sighed and looked up at me again “He doesn’t know how to wrap a gift either”

Giddy, I grabbed the box “Daddy doesn’t mind a gift at all” I said, making him laugh.

My boy gave me a bull cap with “Best Dad” stitched in white in front of it. This is Ethan’s very first gift to me and I can’t ask for anything better than this. This is what’s good in being a Father, you receive love from your kids in any form and every way possible.

Overjoyed, I pulled him for a hug “I love you so much”

He tightened his arms around me “I love you too so much Daddy!”

Three hours before the party and we’re preparing to go to Dolce Vita already. Noona and I decided to hold it there because of the spacious backyard.

“Has Mom called yet, Daddy?” Emma has been asking this question since this morning and I feel bad because I’ll answer her the same, still.

“Not yet, princess”

Her face falls, “But…it’s our birthday…why hasn’t she greeted us yet? Did she forget it?”

Seeing my child so sad on her birthday when she’s supposed to be happy is heartbreaking. I don’t know what the heck is up with Areum, but she better greet her even if it’s late already.

All throughout our drive to the pension, I can see frustration on Emma’s face. Her excitement is replaced by sadness and she doesn’t have energy at all. We keep trying to pull her mood up but she goes back down right after.

“WOW!”

I’m in awe the moment I stepped out at the backyard. Noona is known for her breathtaking parties and I must say, this is on her top five. Everywhere I look I see lightened dreamcatchers hanging on tree branches.

Noona welcomed me proudly, “What do you think?” she asked as she looked around.

“You made wonders again Noona” I pat her shoulder.

She takes a deep breath and exhaled heavily, “I cannot believe I’m able to pull this off in only a week!” she is beyond satisfied of the outcome. “My vision came to life in detail” she said and we exchanged high-fives.

The theme of the party is Boho that both Emma and I agreed to. Our backyard looks so different. There are over ten pallet tables surrounded with vibrant colored cushions and fluffy rugs underneath it, making it look so cozy. An inflatable play area is assembled in one corner that I’m sure the kids will love. I couldn’t miss out the doodle station (Noona got this for me), and a teepee lounge area for the kids where they can watch a movie and hangout.

As for the food, Noona went all out by having the food table installed in a VW campervan. My mind is blown by the coolness of it. Few steps away from it is the dessert table filled with everything sweet, our guests will go home sugar rushed for sure. Last but not the least, the photo station with a colorful floral wall as a backdrop.

                                                                                                                                           

This party is definitely one for the books.

An hour later, guests started to arrive. Emma’s classmates and teachers comes first, followed by family and friends inside and outside the entertainment industry. Of course, Big Bang are all present.

“Yaaa” Daesung looked around, totally impressed “This is amazing, Hyung!” he is like a kid in a candy store.

“Where’s Emma, Hyung?” Seungri asked.

I scanned the play area as well as the kids’ lounge area where I saw her last but she isn’t there anymore.

“Omma” I called upon seeing her talking with some of our relatives. “Have you seen Emma?” I asked, worriedly.

“No”

Confused, I rushed to the house and checked every room but she’s nowhere in sight. I keep on calling her name but there’s no response. I wonder where she’s at.

I walked out to the dogs’ area “OH!” and saw her sitting in her white bohemian dress beside Gaho who is sleeping soundly.

“Hey” I got her attention and let myself in the dog area. Gaho, my old man, welcomed me with wet nose kisses. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you enjoying the party?” I asked Emma and she just looked down.

There is no need for words. I know the reason why she’s being like this. Areum should gather her up.

Honestly, I’m not expecting her to show up today simply because if she is, she would’ve been here already. I cannot believe this! How can she ruin our daughter’s special day?

It took me twenty minutes to convince Emma to go back to the party. Although her sadness is obvious on her face, she’s still trying to smile.

“She’s not here yet?” TOP Hyung asked when I joined them at their table.

I shake my head, “Not yet”

He sighed in frustration, “How busy can she be that she cannot even give time for her own daughter’s party?”

Well, it’s not just TOP Hyung who is annoyed at Areum right now. The family is too. What’s more annoying is, we cannot contact her at all. Her phone is off.

“They’re here” Noona excitedly came up to me and I rushed back to the house to welcome our special guests.

A week ago, I was thinking of a good surprise not only for Emma but for Ethan as well and the only thing I can think of is reuniting them with their friends from Chicago. So, I flew them here. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, their kids, Maddy and Caden, even Kara and her kids are here!

These people are troopers. Fresh from the airport, they went here and are ready to party already, not minding the exhaustion of being on a plane for hours.

“Happy Birthday Jiyong!” they greeted in unison upon seeing me.

“Thank you so much!” I bowed at them “Welcome to South Korea! Welcome to Dolce Vita!”

And so the surprise begins. I told them about my plan which is we’ll all walk out with the cake once Noona asks for it. Maddy and Caden will be wheeling the cake out. I’m so sure that my kids will flip once they see their bestfriends.

“Let’s count to three for the cake!” I heard Noona said thru the microphone.

“1! 2! 3!”

With the birthday song being sang by Youngbae, we all walk out to the backyard. I don’t know, but I feel so emotional already just by thinking of how my kids will react once they see the people they grew up with in Chicago here, in Korea.

“NO WAY!” Ethan is the first to see them. He gets up and rushed to them.

“OH MY GOLLY!” Emma is next. She ran to them in a flash.

There were tears after that. Our guests are crying as well because like me, they know how bad my kids prayed for this reunion to happen.

With the microphone in my hand, I walked to center stage “These lovely people are like family to the kids…and to me as well” I told the guests “They came all the way from Chicago just for this special day”

I cannot thank them enough for taking time just to be here. I’m more than happy to see my kids happy.

“Thank you Daddy!” Ethan and Emma rushed to me and showered me with kisses and tight hugs. “We love…love…love you!” and this is more than enough to make my day.

“All for you guys” I told them.

When it’s time to blow our cakes, the Big Bang boys led the singing of the birthday song in three languages (Korean, English and Mandarin).

“Oh!” Daesung jerked up and all of a sudden, there was silence. He flashed a smile, “We forgot one more language” he said, making us look at him in confusion “Japanese” he continued, making us all laugh.

When we talk about mood makers, Big Bang is on top of the list. We never disappoint.

“Let’s make a wish first before blowing the candles” I told Emma and Ethan who joined us. “Close your eyes real tight and wish” I watch as they do what I say.

All I’m wishing is for my kids to grow up the way Areum and I prayed them to be. May all their wishes and dreams come true.

“I wish for Mom to just be Mom again, not a Doctor Mom anymore” I heard Emma and it made my heart sink.

“I wish for Mom and Daddy to be together forever and for Mom to not be busy anymore so that we can be a family again” Ethan said and it broke me into pieces.

What the heck is up with Areum? The party is ending and she hasn’t showed up yet.

The party is a blast. Our guests keeps on complementing Noona for a job well done, while they are so impressed of Emma for doing charity instead of receiving gifts.

“She really didn’t come” Noona is so pissed at Areum. She gave up on calling her already.

“ELLE!” the moment I heard Kara call her name, all the nerves in my body shoot up.

There she is, running towards Kara in shock with Dr. Nam and a guy I don’t know behind her.

                                                ****

*Photos from Pinterest*