We, people, need to change to grow. Change in every form, in every way, is scary because we don’t know about what’s to happen next. If it’ll make us better or worse. But, openness is all we need. We need to take in everything with high hopes that all of the changes we made, big or small, will strengthen us to face this cruel world with confidence.

I compromised so much of myself for the sake of love. I risked the most important person in my life just for a shot of it, and though it ended with both our hearts powdered like ashes, it still feels good to console myself that what we had was real and even if it was cut short, it was a beautiful one.

Trying hard to be happy drains me of every ounce of energy in my body. Every day I wake up faking a smile in front of the mirror to at least lighten up my mood. It does work sometimes. Before, when Jiyong is still a part of my life, I can pull out a smile just by thinking of the silly things we used to do together. The most embarrassing moments we witnessed and laughed hysterically loud. When life is lighter than a feather and the days are brighter than the sun.

“You’re growing bigger by the day” I said in front of the mirror while gently rubbing my baby bump.

Four months in and I’m shaping up as a pregnant woman already. Along with my growing baby, are extreme cravings, nausea, and restlessness (didn’t experience the cruelty of morning sickness. Thank God!). I know from the very beginning that I’m going to have a ‘taste’ of all of this, and I’m most prepared for the bad and the ugly.

I became a different version of myself. I’m more on the healthy side now. I see to it that I eat on time (except when I have surgeries and emergencies to attend to). As much as I’m trying to lessen my workload, it seemed impossible as of the moment. My being workaholic, still even in my situation, alarms everyone around me, while I keep telling them that I know my body. I know when to move and when to stop.

“Oh!”

My phone is ringing. In a hurry, I rushed to the bedside table with my hair still dripping wet after taking a bath.

“Unnie!”

It’s Dami unnie. Well, the Kwons (minus Jiyong) didn’t leave after what happened. As a matter of fact, Kwon Omma is more caring and protective of me, sending food bags to my office almost every day, sometimes even delivering it personally.

Jiyong is the one who told them about my pregnancy. I was the day after our break up. According to Kwon Omma, he showed up at the pension looking completely lost. “He was a mess”, are the exact words she said. They know right then and there that it’s because of me that’s why he’s like that. Of course, their hearts were broken too, especially after seeing their son in such a miserable state, but they love me and have understood my situation. That instead of throwing me out of their lives, they hugged me tighter and even promised to be with me through my newest journey.

“How’s your check up? I wasn’t able to call yesterday because the boutique’s on sale and you know how crazy things can get” she said.

While brushing my hair, “The baby’s in good condition. It’s developing really well, weighing a little more than expected”

“That’s good! Did you ask your Doctor if your insane workload is still doable, now that you’re getting bigger?”

Here we go again. After my first trimester, people are all in my ears telling me to slow down, which I’m totally trying to do, but there’s just too much to do.

I sighed. “Unnie, trust me, everything’s good. There’s nothing to worry about”

“AISH! How many times do we have to tell you to slow down? When will you truly listen? Omma and Appa are so worried that you might tire yourself out and something bad might happen” she sighed in frustration. “Areumie, I know you know your body well, but there’s nothing bad in dropping some work. After all, there are Doctors who are going to take responsibility of your patients. Just think of the baby, please!”

“Ow!” I froze in place upon seeing Jiyong on television.

Last month, he announced his most awaited comeback that brought fans from all over the world, wild. Ever since then, the excitement doubled as each day passes. I guess today’s the day everybody’s been waiting for. G-dragon finally dropped his first solo single after completing military duties.

My heart just started beating so fast. I’ve never seen him for so long (four months to me feels like a hundred years). His family doesn’t talk about him to me and I never ask them about him. It’s the best way to detach, I think.

“Jiyongie’s looking good” I told Dami unnie over the phone.

There was silence on her end.

After a few seconds, “Did he already release his music video?”

I can’t get my eyes off the television. “Yeah. It’s on TV right now”

“Aigoo. Look at that boy. He didn’t even tell us about this” she take in a deep breath and exhaled heavily. “Oh well, how could he tell, when he’s never home. The last time I saw him was a week ago and we didn’t even get to talk because he’s too exhausted to even open his mouth”

It seems like I’m not the only one who’s drowning in so much work.

“It’s given. We know how focused he is when it comes to his music” I said, imprinting his face in my mind.

“He changed so much, Areumie. He’s like a different person now. He’s no fun anymore”

At this point, I’m biting my tongue not to ask any questions because I’m sure that I’ll feel guilty for whatever answers I might get. Let’s just think of it this way, he changed because of me. Only drag is, he changed drastically bad.

“Oh! I have to go now. I forgot. I have to be at the boutique before ten. I’m already running late!” Unnie said in a hurry. “I’ll call you later!”

“Have a good day, Unnie!”

Whew! Good thing our conversation already ended.

“Stupid!” I throw a pillow at the television. Jiyong’s music video is almost ending. “You’re not supposed to change”. I said, as if I’m talking to him personally.

G-dragon and Kwon Jiyong are really different. The man I’m seeing on television can smile like he’s got no problems, like his heart is not broken. I can’t erase the image of him bawling out in front of me when I broke up with him.

Thinking of it, this is the longest time we’ve been apart except when he’s serving for military. Actually, even back then we can still talk once in a while. Now, we don’t even ask our family about each other. I don’t know how we’ve made it this far. Only one thing is for sure, it’s killing me, and I know he feels more than my pain.

At the hospital, it’s pretty hectic. Patients are coming in and out of my clinic, one after another. Add up two meetings and a surgery demo observation. My schedule is once again so packed, that I don’t have longer than thirty minutes for myself.

“You’re having lunch just now?” Doctor Nam appeared in the cafeteria all of a sudden. She took a seat opposite mine and hissed. “Are you really putting your life and the baby in danger?”

Oh, C’mon!

“I know it’s super late for lunch, but I finished this afternoon’s work first before eating so that I can have the time of my life, pigging out” I told her and all she can do is sigh.

After a few minutes and a big corn muffin, “I saw GD’s newest music video. I must say, your man didn’t lose his mojo. He’s still the hottest when he sings and his music….OH MY! Amazing!” *insert a fangirl’s voice*

It made me giggle. “First and foremost, he’s not my man. Well, not anymore” I rolled my eyes. “I already saw the music video. I must agree with you, he’s still the hot GD people loved for so many years”

“I still really don’t get why you need to break up with him when he’s more than willing to take responsibility of you and the baby” Doctor Nam is going at it once again. She injects this topic every now and then, and it always makes me go nuts.

For the hundredth time, I said “He deserves more than a woman with tons of baggage. Let’s just say that I love him enough to let him go even if it’s destroying everything inside me. We’re better off, than go on with me being eaten by guilt every waking day of my life for holding him back to many things”

“So…you’re really beginning to embrace the fact that your life is moving in a direction you never thought it would. Far away from the road that you’re very much familiar with. A road where you’re happy to travel even with so many humps and bumps”

I sighed heavily. “To tell you the truth, I never actually made it a single step away from him. It’s as if my feet are buried in where I was standing all along. The reason maybe because deep inside me, I’m still hoping there’ll come a day where what’s left of the wound I gave him is a scar. We can be friends again. It may not be the same as before, but it can be a friendship that doesn’t involve romance”

“But you love him and he loves you”. She looks like she’s also hurting.

I nodded. “Yes. But, this love is not meant for a lifetime. Soon, we’ll get over it” I countered with my head bowed down.

Painful but true. What Jiyong and I have is authentic, real, passionate and deep, but it’s not written in the stars to happen. We were given only enough time to feel it, and our time is up.

“It’s just heartbreaking, thinking that you totally compliment each other, brings out the best in each other. You are like peanut butter and jelly. You go along so well”

I smirked. “He brings out the best in me. I, on the other hand, don’t think have brought out the best in him. I’m good at draining him dry, so dry there’s always nothing left of him”

That conversation with Doctor Nam affected my work after. My mind is wandering off to the point that I nearly gave a wrong prescription to a patient. I also feel really exhausted for some reason.

“Gosh!” I hold onto a wall to support my body. My vision suddenly blurred and my head started aching.

I somehow made it to my office, even finished checking reports but I feel worse than before.

“Tell Doctor Park and Doctor Uhm about our meeting tomorrow. I need them to confirm coz the patient in room 410 needs immediate surgery. We have to discuss what to do” I instructed my assistant while preparing to leave for home.

“Ah!” I felt a stab of pain in my lower abdomen upon standing up.

“Doc!” my assistant rushed to me. “Omo!” she gasped and panic washes her face.

And she pointed at my chair.

“My baby” are the first words that came out of my mouth. I’m still in the hospital, in a room.

I heard someone sigh. “It’s fine”

…….that voice….

                                                 ****