Running away doesn’t mean you’re a coward, it’s just that you’re giving yourself time to put your broken pieces back together, so that once you comeback, you’re far more better than you were before.

My dream of a happy family has now turned into a nightmare. In a snap, I found myself all alone, scared of what might happen next and angry at myself for being so careless, as well as angry at the people who saw the changes in me but didn’t tap me to see it for myself.

I know I’m to blame for all this. I didn’t manage my time well. I forgot what’s important. I lost track of my priorities and responsibilities. I’ve been too comfortable knowing that my children are in good hands, that they are getting the love they need and more, not knowing that they feel empty without their Mother, that one person they’re used to being with ever since day one.

“What are your plans now?” Dr. Nam asked, minutes after driving off from Dolce Vita.

I’m completely zoned out. She even have to clap her hands loudly just to get my attention. “Honestly…I don’t know what to do. As much as I want to fight for my children, something inside me is telling me not to push it…at least for now”

She sighed and patted my shoulder, “Hang in there, Areum. Jiyong is just too emotional a while ago that he doesn’t know what he’s saying”

Jiyong must’ve been ruled by his emotions but looking into his eyes I know he means all that he said. It all came out of his mouth with conviction and I felt it. I already lost him. He’s gone. And sad to say, he’s also done.

“I think it’s better if you distance yourself for a while” Gino who was quite all this time, speaks out. I feel so bad that his perfect thought of Jiyong is now ruined.

Both Dr. Nam and I looked at him. He glanced at me through the rearview mirror and gave out half a smile. “I know I’m not in the right position to give an advice for I only know bits and pieces of your story…but…I think I get his point as to why he’s forbidding you to see and be with your children”

One good thing in having friends other than Jiyong is I can get different insights and opinions other than his. For years, he’s been my one and only go-to person. But, after having Dr. Nam and Aden, and my friends from Chicago, I realized it’s better to hear from different people than have only one lay it out to you.

“You know what…” Dr. Nam looked back at me from the passenger seat “I think I get his point too”

“I’m sorry…but I really don’t get it” I shake my head as new tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Gino sighed heavily, “His decision might come off as a punishment to you…but I really think it isn’t”. At this point my head started swirling. As much as I want to be in tune with Gino, I can’t seem to come through.

“GD is giving you time to focus on your career” he continued “He’s letting you do your thing without disturbances…at the same time…he’s protecting your children from getting hurt with your constant absence. You sure didn’t see it a while ago…but in the midst of your argument, I can tell that he’s hurting more than you are…just by his eyes I can tell the guy loves you so much to hate you…he’s just not given any choice but to let you go for the meantime”

It might be true that Jiyong is hurting more than I am and even though I’m not as sure anymore if he still loves me so much to hate me, I know he’s fighting himself if he should lay out his stupid deal or give me one more chance.

You might be thinking, ‘What the heck is wrong with you? Why are you letting this happen?’

My answer: I’d rather be out of the picture for a while than continuously hurt my children. After all this is done, I can explain to them what happened, and hopefully by that time they can forgive and understand me. Also, I have already sacrificed so much for my career, that giving up on it is a foolish thing to do. I don’t want my family’s sacrifices to go down the drain as well.

As we’re nearing my apartment, I made one of the fastest decisions I’ve ever made in my life.

“I will go to Jeju Island tonight” I snapped up confidently. Tears stopped coming.

“What?” Dr. Nam looked at me in disbelief.

I smiled at her “I need to get away from here to be sane” I told her, earning weird looks from them.

I need to get away because this place isn’t right for me at least for now, and as they say, you can never bloom in the wrong environment. In order for me to last months without seeing my children, I have to get away as far from them as possible, and Jeju Island is the only place I can think of where I can fully heal and fix myself. Cross fingers, I can also continue my internship in a hospital there.

“You’re running away again” Dr. Nam followed me to my apartment with Gino tailing us.

I am in a rush. I want to be out of the door in fifteen minutes max because I have a feeling that once I go over, I’m going to have a change of heart.

“Seriously Areum…this is not what I expect you to do. I said DISTANCE…not runaway” Gino keeps on talking me out, trying his hardest to change my mind, but he’s unconsciously helping me fit my things in only one medium size suitcase.

Dr. Nam on the other hand, has given up on me. She just plopped herself on my bed, watching me go from here to there.

“This is nuts” Gino faced Dr. Nam and she just hissed.

“For clarification…this is not running away…” I finally was able to fit a thick blanket in my suitcase that is already filled with so much stuff “This is a solution to a problem”

Both of them just stared at me. I sighed, “My biggest problem with this stupid deal is…I won’t be able to last even a day of it with my family near me…I need to be as far from them as possible for this….” I cannot find the right word to say. “” I said a little too loud “To be possible” I finished, as I hold back the tears and masked off another wave of pain.

And just like that, I’m once again shattered in pieces, more like pulverized by emotions. I cannot believe that I’m in this situation again.

Once I’m alone in my room, I grabbed a pen and whatever paper I land my hands on and wrote a letter for Jiyong. When I first ran away, I didn’t even leave anything for him, not even a note of goodbye. But now, I think it’s just right to give him one.

Jiyong,

Maybe by the time you read this I’m already in the place I’m intending to stay at for some time. Yes, I admit. I’m guilty of running away again, but I hope you understand, I need to go far, to breathe, to heal, to focus on my career (even when I’m not sure if I can continue my internship there. I’m hoping I could. Please pray that I could), and to find myself once again. I must admit, I lost myself in the hustle and bustle of life, and we lost grip of the unconventional relationship we have.

As for our kids, well, I trust you with them. It truly that you banned me from seeing them, but I get your point and as much as I want to punch you in the face for being an , I know that you’re going to take good care of them. Just one thing, please. PLEASE. PLEASE. Don’t make them hate me. Tell them your explanation as to why we came to this and how much I love them.

Goodbye, Jiyong. Remember that even after being such a “D-bag”, I love you with all the pieces of my shattered heart. I will come back better than I was before, and hopefully pounds heavier than now.

Take care,

Areum.

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