The universe really has a way of teaching us hard lessons. Just now, I learned that sometimes, the greatest act of loving someone is walking away to give them the freedom to be who they want to be and not hold back the dreams they want to make a reality.

I come to realize, I am capable of detaching myself to someone (specifically him), when I need to. Breaking his heart is the last thing on my mind but I have to, no matter what it takes, because locking him with me is being selfish. Yes, there are other options than breaking up, but letting him free of me, of my newly discovered baggage, is the best way to go.

His hazel eyes are full of confusion after hearing what I said. I don’t have a break-up plan, but I guess this is the right time for it. After all, it’ll only fall to one thing and that is, we’re going to be crushed in pieces. Our hearts will bleed and excruciating pain is all we will feel. There’s no need to think things through, it’s just going to be a waste of time.

“Yah! What are you talking about?” he asked.

I take a deep breath and walked to the couch. Once I’m settled, I point him to the single couch opposite mine.

He hates it when I make him blind. It ticks him off. He’s just controlling himself to burst.

Pretending to be composed, I reached for the white envelope that I carelessly threw on the center table after checking on it again a while ago.

I can feel his heavy stare at my hand as I hand the envelope to him.

“What’s this?” he got it from me, one eyebrow raised.

I sighed. “See for yourself”

The moment he pulled out the paper, my heart stopped beating for a second. In my head I was thinking ‘That’s what’s breaking us Jiyong’, and I’m starting to be emotional again.

More confused now, “You’re pregnant!” comes a smile. And at that moment, I knew he’s thinking the baby is his.

No Jiyong. The baby is not yours. Don’t smile because it’s breaking me more.

Face blank, I said, “It’s Hong Shik’s”

And the smile disappeared like smoke in thin air. His silence tells a lot. His eyes are shouting, more like cursing. Soon enough, I see different emotions running on his eyes, playing him without mercy.

“What did you say?”

Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I am hurting so much seeing him like this.

“I’m pregnant with Hong Shik’s baby, not yours”. The last two words faded as I bow my head down.

Silence hits one again. Seconds. Minutes. He’s speechless cause of shock.

“So what now?” his voice cracked.

I looked at him and saw a man broken into pieces. I’m trying to voice out what’s in my head, but my lips just wouldn’t move.

“Don’t tell me you’re not going to continue your pregnancy” he said, that I immediately shook my head.

“No! I won’t do that. You know I can’t do that”

He sighed in relief and just stared at me. “So…”

This is it Areum. Smash the love of your life’s heart with the metal bat now.

“I want to break up”. The words came out like I’m spitting fire.

He chuckled like every time I drop a lame joke. “Then what? You’re going to chase that and beg him to take responsibility of you?”

And he really think that I’ll do that when he knows so well how much I hate Hong Shik.

“No. Of course not. I hate Hong Shik to the bone to even accept that he’s the Father of this baby”

“Then what do you want to happen Areumie? Why don’t you just fire your bullets at me? Cut the crap!” Jiyong is already fuming in anger, a rare moment that I’m always afraid to see.

“I want to break up because I don’t want to burden you with it” I started, wiping my tears and forcing myself to look tough and sound tough. “Jiyongie, I am a constant struggle and you always put yourself out there just for me. I’ve given you more crap than a person can take and this is not going to be one of them. I don’t want to give you a big responsibility that isn’t for you in the first place. You are many things for me. You have been my security blanket ever since I lost my parents. The person I can count on to anytime, but in the situation I’m now in, I want to relieve you from a heavy baggage, that is me”

From the way he looks, I can tell that he’s just trying not to break in front of me. I’m hurting him to the core and it’s all over his face.

“I just want you to know that I’m very much willing to shoulder you and that baby, not only to save you from the judgment of society from being knocked up by a jerk. I want to take the responsibility, it be big or small, because I love you so much that I will do everything for you”

“But I don’t want you to Jiyongie” I insited. “Think of it, if I let you be the Father of this baby, you need to sacrifice a lot and when I say a lot, I mean big things. Your career to begin with. Yes, you’re over the strict idol years where a single strand of your hair touched by a girl will cause mayhem, but still, your half owned by the people, this is a big thing. You have big plans for yourself that I know you’re definitely looking forward to. Next, and the most important of all…” I bravely looked straight into his bloodshot eyes. “I don’t want to lock you down when there are so many girls that are far more better, cleaner, baggage-less, out there for you to choose from. Also, I don’t want people to think that you took responsibility of me just to save face. We can defend ourselves all we want, ignore them and , but I cannot live every day of my life knowing that they are judging you wrongly. I love you so much. Please, let me sacrifice for you this time”

There! I’ve said the longest and toughest to say piece, and it’s crushing me to bits. Little by little, I’m accepting the fact that I’m not only losing my lover but my best friend as well.

“Areumie, you’re always meant to know me better than anyone else. I’m sure you know and can see how this is hurting me”. He cried harder, almost curling to a ball on the couch. “I don’t care what they say. I don’t care if my career will be affected. After all, I’ve already succeeded in so many ways, for so many times. Yes, I will always be able to find someone better, but I could search the world and never find another you”

His words are like daggers stabbing every inch of me. There’s no doubt, he loves me so much. But, I have to stick with my decision. I am setting him free and if that means losing my best friend as well, then so be it. I just don’t want to drag him into my mess.

He is bawling right in front of me, killing me deep inside.

With bloodshot eyes, he looked at me. He’s now holding back tears. “Tell me, how do I un-love you?”

                                           ****