Sadness is one of the feelings every one of us wishes not to feel. It eats every inch of your being and can even turn you into a dysfunctional human being for a while. To get out of it, you have to motivate yourself to be better and be surrounded by good people.

Two months later…

I woke up with my eyes looking normal already. For eight weeks, I’ve been crying myself to sleep, and even in the day sometimes. I’m more of a cry baby than my son who is doing well without the other vital person in his life. Both of us started off miserable, but his longing only lasted a couple of days when I’m just getting out of it.

Last night, I got to be with myself for a few hours since Yong is needing me less to feed each day. In our new living room, over a tub of vanilla ice cream and butterscotch cookies. I promised to stop being miserable and continue with life positively already.

After all, what’s done is done, and there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. Yes, I’ve been stupid and I apologize for that.

If you haven’t noticed, I said ‘new living room’. Well, we’re now in a new and bigger apartment just a few minutes away from the hospital I’m working at. Dami Unnie and I found it a week after Jiyong left for Paris. The unit is a good buy right away because aside from it being near my workplace, Unnie can babysit Yong while I’m out, for her shop is just a few minute drive away. She usually take him to her shop where a play mat is specially placed in one corner of her office for Yong to play at and nap on.

Our new unit is designed to be child friendly. The living room is more modern than the one in the older unit. Its walls are painted white and the whole floor is carpeted in the lightest shade of brown. The couches are same color as the carpet with orange throw pillows on it. The flat screen TV is mounted on the wall (unlike in the old unit), and there’s a black display counter under it. The kitchen is not as plain anymore. I decided to have the kitchen and dining in one area to maximize the space. It’s as modern as the living room. Walls are painted milky white, floor in white marble, counter tops and cabinets as well as kitchen appliances in deep black. The round dining table can seat four people, colored white with uniquely designed chairs.

There are four standard sized rooms. Yong and I are sharing a walk-in closet (my son has a lot of shoes, some doesn’t fit him anymore and most is still too big for him to wear). Another room is a playroom/study room where toys meet medical books. In here, I can do my reading and watch my son at the same time. My room is painted in white. An accent wall gives life to it (it has a wallpaper with a good nature mural printed on it). I brought my old bed (it’s still in good shape). Its sheets are in mustard yellow, matching the curtains. Yong’s room is connected to mine, so I can attend to him right away. This type is sure to be hated by him the moment he stepped into puberty (oh well, it’s still many years away). For his room, I had it in navy blue. His bed is custom made into a rocket ship. The ceiling is just like the one in his nursery at Jiyong’s apartment, led lights looking like stars. I also made sure that he has enough space to play.

So far, living here is good. The only drag is, there are times when I miss the tight space of my old apartment.

“Pa! Pa!” Yong is watching TV and Big Bang’s Bang Bang Bang is showing. Up until now, even if he hasn’t seen Jiyong for months already, he still calls him ‘Appa’.

Dami Unnie said that they were able to see each other through video chat once in a while, that Jiyong even cried the first time because he’s missing Yong a lot. As for me, we don’t have communication at all.

“Get yo crayon! Get yo crayon!” Unnie walked in singing, making Yong dance like crazy. “Aigoo…you really can stand on your own already” she kissed him on the cheek and made him sit again.

I greeted her with a bow. “He’s going to walk on his own in no time” I told her and she take a deep breath.

“Our baby is not so baby anymore” her voice is too sad.

It made me giggle, “But with him walking, we are saved from hours of heavy lifting and carrying” I said.

She nodded and sat on the couch, “What are we going to do on his birthday? We should start planning because we’re under time already. It’s only a week away from today”

Oh snap! I almost forgot about that. My work and our move occupied me so much that I wasn’t able to get to it at all.

“Appa and Omma wants to do it at Monsant” she said while tasting the crackers Yong is munching on (it’s too bland for adults).

“What branch?” I asked right away.

Unnie chuckled, “Don’t worry, not in Jeju”

Phew! We’re doing it here in Seoul. Yong is still safe from his Father.

“Do you think Jiyong’s going to let us use it?” this is a dumb question, but I asked anyway.

Unnie smirked. “I’ll choke him if he won’t. It’s Yong we’re talking about here. Jiyong can never say no”

What can I say? He loves my son no matter what.

“Actually, we were able to talk yesterday” Unnie doesn’t talk much about her brother around me, to in one way or another, help me move on from him. “They are in Amsterdam having a short vacation” she continued.

“Nice!”

She looked at me then sighed. “Anyway, I told him about Yong’s birthday, that we’re yet to figure out what to do”. I giggled. “Then asked if he will go home to celebrate with us”

Expecting, “What did he say?”

Unnie’s face, falls. “He can’t, because Lena wants him to be with her for her Lagerfeld debut. He said he’ll he just video call and send a gift”

Looks like Jiyong is warming up to Lena very well. I’m glad that he is. I admit, it to not have him here on Yong’s first birthday, but maybe it’s not yet the right time for us to see each other again. I’m not disappointed, just sad that he won’t make it.

Taking reality in completely, I went to work, setting aside the thoughts floating in my head. I have loads of work to do and I kicked it off with a pair of newborn twins whose Mother is a big fan of Big Bang (she said it without me asking), her baby boys’ names are Jiyong and Seungri.

“Woah!” Dr. Nam and Dr. Miller walked in my office during break time.

Dr. Miller handed me a cup of cold tea. “Your desk is so full” he said and sat beside Dr. Nam.

Speaking of my most favorite Doctor, Dr. Nam, her transfer to another hospital has been approved by the hospital’s board. She’ll move in a few days. I’m taking it lightly, though deep inside I’m very sad. Good thing Dr. Miller is still here.

I sighed and massaged my temple. “You guys know that I’m slightly slacked off these past weeks, and this is the result of it” I pointed at the medical folders on my desk.

Dr. Nam smirked, “You’re just too dramatic to function” she countered, making me hiss. “Are you still at it or you finally realized that you’re being miserable for nothing?”

This made Dr. Miller laugh. These two are very much updated with what’s going on in my life that they call it an ‘Insanely written Telenovela’.

Proudly, I cleared my throat. “Believe it or not, I’m over it!”

Of course, they didn’t buy it.

I looked at them in disbelief. “I’m serious! I really am over it! As a matter of fact, I even promised myself that I’ll do better and just let things happen”

Dr. Nam stared at me then laughed, “Go on, tell us lies” she said and Dr. Miller laughed too.

I rolled my eyes, “C’mon guys! Can’t you see? I’m trying so hard here!”

“Well…” Dr. Miller nodded in agreement. “I can see it…somehow”

Dr. Nam laughed hard as if she’s being tickled all over her body. “Look, we don’t need this” she played her hand like a talkative mouth, “What we need is action. We’ll believe once we see”

Really? They don’t believe me even when I’m dead serious. Is it too hard? Can’t they see that I’m bubblier and livelier now compared to weeks ago when I’m like a part of the Walking Dead?

Fifteen minutes passed with us discussing about a patient who is battling cancer, until Dr. Nam was paged for an emergency, leaving me and Dr. Miller alone.

“Your shift will end the same time as mine” he said, while reading a medical report off my desk.

I sighed, “And…”

I have a strong feeling that he’s going to say something big.

He smiled and confidently straightened his body. “I was wondering if you want to have dinner at a restaurant near here”

OK, Areumie. Remember the promise you made to yourself. Just let things happen.

“All right!” I snapped, shocking him. “Yong is with the family at Dolce Vita anyway. They borrowed him for the night”

And it’s a date!

Oh, wait. Is it a date?

“I’m loosing pulse” I told the nurses. “I need her stabilized, now!” I commanded and fluids are injected right away.

This is an emergency surgery. Supposed to be, the patient (a teenager), is already out of the woods when her brain started bleeding once again.

“Blood pressure’s up!” one of the nurses announces.

And it goes on for hours. We nearly lost her. Good thing, our team prepared well for the worst and the patient, herself, is fighting. Now, she’s in recovery and I cannot be happier enough.

Exhausted, I still went with Dr. Miller to dinner. As agreed, we dined in at a restaurant near the hospital. Rather than looking fine and crisp like usual people on a date, we look so professional and definitely haggard. Dr. Miller also just got out of surgery and his was a thriller, for his patient’s heart stopped for five seconds. His team did everything to get the patient back and they’ve succeeded.

“Have you been to dates after your long-term relationship?” I asked.

He chewed his food first, swallowed then shook his head. “I don’t have time for it. Also, I don’t want to engage myself to dating again, until now”

I chuckled. “We’re opposites. I’ve been playing the dating game for years after my so called ‘first relationship’. I swear! I’m a front runner. I was just not lucky with men”

His laughter is good in the ears. The way he moves is so casual, there’s no pretentions that is so common on dates.

After eating, laughing, chatting and exchanging lame jokes, we decided to go for a drive to somewhat unwind and breathe out. I told him that Seokcheon Lake is a good place to go for a stroll, and he let me drive since he doesn’t know the way.

“Do you go here with him?” he asked, while we’re looking for a good spot to stay at.

I take in the cold air. “Not really. We’ve only been here twice. Our favorite places are Jeju, Itaewon, Myeongdong, and Apujeong. We go to those places a lot, that even if you leave us in the middle of the road, we will still be able to navigate well”

After minutes of walking, we finally saw the best spot and we sat on the grass, facing the lake.

“It must be hard to stroll around without people noticing him” Dr. Miller turned to face fully, and I did as well.

I sighed. “It is, but Jiyong never really care and I don’t too. After all, people know me as the female version of Taeyang in his life. I’m no threat. VIPs treat me well”

There was silence after that. I’m taking in as much as fresh air as I can get. My mind is slowly shedding off unnecessary thoughts that feels very refreshing.

“Oh!” he pulled something out from his bag. It’s a prescription sheet. “I have questions for you. You know, to get to know you more”

This is cute.

“O…K” I haven’t encountered this in any of my dates. “Ask away!”

He straightened himself up, cleared his throat and smiled at me. I don’t know why, but he’s too adorable tonight.

“If you weren’t in your current profession, what would your dream job be?”

Without thinking twice, “Singer, though my voice is so far from beautiful. Truth is, I’m impossible. No voice lessons can make it better”

Dr. Miller laughed hard, almost rolling on the grass. “GD knows this for sure”

I chuckled. “Of course! Actually, we have this thing that he became a singer for the both of us, while I’m a Doctor for the both of us” the tone of my voice changed. I’m choking.

“Next!” Dr. Miller snapped, getting me out of a sensitive memory. “If you could have named yourself, what name would you have chosen?”

“Sun hi, meaning obedience and Joy” I answered. “If I were to have a daughter, I’ll name her Sun hi”

“Beautiful” he said, satisfied.

Playfully, “Areumie!” I said, making him laugh.

“Oh! This is a good one” he excitedly smiled at me. “If you could go back in time, what age would you be again?”

This is easy.

“Ten” I answered in a blink of an eye. “Why?” I asked and he nodded. “Because that year, my life began filling with color. I started learning a lot, especially friendship”

Dr. Miller doesn’t need more after that. He knows I’m talking about Jiyong.

“Everything started there” he said and I just smiled. “All right!” he snapped cheerfully and was on his list again. “Do you ever wish you could read minds?”

I clapped my hands excitedly, “Yes! I’m dying to! I don’t know about you, but I get so curious whenever the person I’m talking to is so silent, like he/she is conversing in his/her mind. The only person I can read so well is Jiyong because even when he’s sleeping, I think I know what’s running in his mind. When he dreams, it’s intense! There was this one time when he started humming. Next thing I know it, it’s already the tune of Big Bang’s Loser” I stopped on my track after realizing that I’m once again being drowned by memories of him.

I can’t really talk without Jiyong in my stories. I guess I really have to learn how to reel myself in whenever I’m slipping back to old memories.

“That’s…an epic story to tell about a superstar” he joked.

I laughed. “There are more”

Jiyong’s weirdness and craziness will drive you nuts.

“Next question” Dr. Miller’s list is going on forever. “What’s your greatest talent?”

Ooohhh…

“What?” he’s waiting for a response like a dog wagging its tail for a treat.

“Honestly” I swallowed hard, “As ‘legendary’ as my brain is, I don’t have an impressive talent. My parents tried engaging me to some activities like ballet and such. The only thing I learned by heart is how to play the piano, that I unfortunately don’t practice anymore”

You see, when most kids are learning creatively, my head is on Mathematics and Science. It’s actually unbelievable that Jiyong and I clicked, with him creatively wonderful and I’m not. We relate to each other on a level that only long term friendships can do.

“Ah!” Dr. Miller snapped his fingers. “I’ll give you a talent one of these days” he moved forward, “It’s never too late to have one anyway” then he winked, making every cell in my body jump.

This man, he’s getting more and more adorable and I’m enjoying his company.

“Oh this!” he cleared his throat. “What is something I could do to make you trust me more?”

Here comes the serious questions.

“Actually, I trust you enough to tell you my personal stories even when we just met. I think, you just have to keep my secrets a secret forever or until I give you a go signal to tell it. I’m not the kind of person who has trust issues anyway”

He gripped my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. “You can count on me, don’t worry”

“Thanks!”

Our date ended with a tight hug. I feel like we connected more after tonight and it’s nothing but good. I may or may not develop feelings toward him and not reciprocate the love he gives, but I’m sure that I’ll forever be a friend.

One week later….

“Unnie! I need more balloons here!” I called out “The metallic blue ones!”

“Here”

Oh!

                                                ****