The moment love gets you, there’s no turning back. You can try wriggling yourself out, but it will take the life in you.

And it’s out. My heart shouted itself, through my mouth. There’s nothing I can do. The feelings that I’ve been bottling up, popped out, like a can of cola that is shaken. 

What happened to my rules? What happened to the mastery of denying a strong feeling? What will happen to us after this?

Jiyong is flabbergasted by my outburst. He’s just looking down, as if something more interesting than my face is there. I know, he can’t look at me right now. Truth is, I don’t think I can as well.

With a heavy sigh, “This is driving me insane” he said, then started biting his nails. I rolled my eyes. “I’ve gone bananas already” I said, making him chuckle. “We’re down to some crazy now”

Finally, he looked at me, but instead of being serious, we cracked up in laughter. Somehow, clearing the air.

“Come here” he pulled me by the arm, closer to him. Then he sighed, “Why do I feel like I should be the one deciding on what to do with us?”

Honestly, I’ll be grateful for that, because if I’ll be the one deciding for us, my feelings for him will surely standout and as they say, ‘A person jumps in bandwagons without much thought, especially when he badly wanted something’. Not that I’m saying Jiyong doesn’t want us to be ‘together’, it’s just that he’s more reasonable and realistic.

Time passed by with none of us talking. He’s biting his nails once again, and I’m just staring at the books on the shelf in front of us. We need as much time as we can have to think things through. I hope we come up with something good.

“What is it truly like being in a relationship with you?” he asked out of the blue, making me look at him curiously.

One thing Jiyong doesn’t really know much about is my relationship with Blake. Given that we’re too far away and busy to discuss about it. I just give him updates (like my first experience) and rant from time to time. I must say, I know almost everything about his past relationships than he knows mine (as if there’s a lot to know).

It made me think. What am I really like? From what I remember, I’m not as interesting as other girls in the campus. I always tell him I need to study whenever he wanted to ‘hangout’, and when we hangout, we just talk a little and have a lot of y time. I even thought I was a addict at some point because of how much I get, which I shared with Jiyong who just laughed at me saying, “That’s what you call first bliss. It’s just like the first wonder years of marriage. It’ll die down”

I cleared my throat and straightened myself. “Well…you know…I’m no fun”, one given fact that he laughed at. “Naaa….I think you are…it’s just that…you’re so uptight. What I mean is, you over analyze everything, not wanting to make a single mistake”

He straightened himself up as well and face me, smiling with his hand on my thigh. “You know what? If we happen to leap to another level, I will let you make as many mistakes as you can make”

With my innards flipping (I feel tingly just by hearing him), I bit my lower lip, holding in my smile (I just cannot show him how much I’m loving this moment).

“You know so well that when I make mistakes, they are bigger than life” I told him, and he smiled. “So what? From the beginning, I’ve always stayed with you fixing your mistakes, no matter how big or small. It’s not going to be that hard”. He sounded so sure, and he made me believe every word that came out of his mouth.

The way we’re talking is so much different from what it used to be. The exchange of words, glances, and even the movements of our bodies.

“Don’t you think it’s going to be hard to handle the relationship, thinking of how our past relationships turned out? I mean, I know what you do whenever you fall out of love. You know how possessive I can be. Wouldn’t those affect us?” I stare into his eyes and take in a breath. “I cannot imagine how paranoid I will be if you start ignoring me, for I know that’s what you do to lose a girl”

I know I’m making sense. Our knowledge of each other is so wide, it will be so hard not to over-read every action.

After a long silence, “It’s going to be hard, for sure. But, it has its advantages. Like, there’s no need for us to weigh each other that much for we know each other so damn well, with only a blink of an eye we know what’s going on. And because we’re already aware of what the other has done, it’s easier to spot even the strangest of things”

Is it just me or is he making this so easy in the ears?

“Another thing…” unconsciously (or maybe consciously), I held his hand and intertwined my fingers to his. “How are we going to deal with the people? Sure. Many of them will be happy and say ‘I knew it!’ or ‘Finally! After ages, they hit it off!’ while some will raise eyebrows and say, ‘Don’t you think it’s too much?’ There are a lot of reactions, but I’m too tired to lay ‘em all out”

Let’s face it, if it really happens that we’re going to take our relationship to another level, announcing it will take so much effort. 1. The family – all these years, they’ve seen and treated me as one of them. I cannot imagine their reactions if we tell them ‘We hit it up! We’re a couple now!’ (Omma and Unnie will surely go bananas). 2. Friends – I’m talking about close friends who we slapped with our ‘We’re siblings’ statement. We’re surely going to be the biggest joke, for eating our words. 3. The Public – well, G-dragon’s dating is still a big deal, even though it’s not as big as before anymore. You (the girl), will still be the talk of the cyber world for a while, with your privacy shedding off in pieces. I’m sure our scoop will be bigger than his past, because we are very much known as BFFs. They know how tight our relationship is, and that we are family.

All this thinking is draining. One more hour and I’ll turn into a raisin already, wrinkly and dehydrated. I’m used to being drained, but never felt it this much.

Letting me be in my head, Jiyong is silent. He’s playing with our fingers, half smiling from time to time.

“What’s running in your head?” I asked, interested as to what’s making him smile. He take a deep breath and exhaled, smiling widely. “Nothing. I just feel great now that I know we’re sharing the same feelings”

Oooh. That was strong.

Trying not to smile (I’m afraid if I do, my head will split in half, horizontally), I nodded. “So…when did you felt it?”

Well, since we’re cut open already, I see no point in filtering our words. It’s so damn hard to do it at this point.

Looking shy, Jiyong pursed his lips. I can’t help but smile. He looked extra cute, blushing. “Hmm…” with a heavy sigh, “Senior High”

What? He’s got feelings for me during that time already and I didn’t even feel it? Oh well, it’s really not my nature to feel anything anyway. I’m the numbest person in the universe.

Surprised and tingly inside, “It doesn’t show” I told him. Now it’s my turn to suppress a smile. He poked my side playfully, making me squeak. Oh how it feels so good to let out your happiness. My heart is jumping in joy.

“Because I really didn’t show it” he confessed. “All this time, it’s only Youngbae and Noona who knows”

Uhmm. Did I hear him right? Noona?

I gave him a questioning look. “Noona?”

He nodded twice. “Dami Noona”

I’m not shocked with Taeyang knowing it, for he’s like Jiyong’s ‘man-dary’ (man diary). He tells him some things he cannot tell me, mostly about work and (sometimes) women. But Unnie? That’s quite shocking.

He turned to me. “I didn’t tell her, she figured it out”.

Of course, she did! Unnie is very sensitive of her surroundings, which make me think, has she figured mine out too?

“Remember the time when you were courted by Jong Suk, your batchmate?” he asked and I nod. “And that time you went with him to the movies?”

OK. This is a funny memory. This guy, Jong Suk, courted me for a while when we were in Senior High. He’s persistent, and he made me want him a little bit. Jiyong knows all about this and became really protective of me, strictly telling me to tag him along whenever Jong Suk and I are going out for a date, even though he’s busy training in YG.

One day, Jong Suk asked me out for a movie date. I agreed to go and decided not to tell Jiyong about it since he’s too occupied. For some reason, he knew about it. Next thing I know, he’s in front of my house, with me already dressed for my date.

“Omo!” I’m frozen in place. He will surely get mad at me for not telling him. Coolly, “Going somewhere?” he asked. I swallowed hard, nerves all shooting up. “Hmm…Yes”. “Where?” his voice is not that scary, but very manly.

“Hmm…” my lip twitches “Jong Suk and I….are….going…”

*BEEP!*

A car honked and pulled up in front of my house. It’s Jong Suk and his Hyung who is going to drive us to the cinema.

Ignoring them, “It’s just a movie. It won’t take long. I promise”

Without a choice, Jiyong let me go. I must admit, I felt independent at the same time, incomplete without him.

Jong Suk and I ate ice cream while waiting for movie time, and when we’re already inside the cinema, sitting beside each other, the movie just about to start, my phone vibrates.

                FROM JIYONG:

                                Already watching?

                TO JIYONG:

                                Yes. The movie just started :)

                FROM JIYONG:

                                Be cautious.

                TO JIYONG:

                                I am. Don’t worry.

                FROM JIYONG:

                                You sharing a popcorn?

                TO JIYONG:

                                No. We ate Ice cream a while ago.

                FROM JIYONG:

                                Aaahhh….

After twenty minutes…

                FROM JIYONG:

                                How’s the movie so far?

                TO JIYONG:

                                Too dramatic for my soul. Haha!

                FROM JIYONG:

                                Check Jong Suk if he’s crying. Keke

                TO JIYONG:

                                He’s not. Though it’s weird because he’s the one who chose this film.

                FROM JIYONG:

                                Aww. Softee.

I giggled.

        TO JIYONG:

                             Turn on.

He didn’t reply after that. I don’t know, maybe he’s already busy.

After fifteen minutes…

         FROM JIYONG:

                              What’s happening now?

                TO JIYONG:

                              Boy left girl. Girl became miserable. Boy felt guilty. Girl rebounds.

                FROM JIYONG:

                             Yikes!

                TO JIYONG:

                            Hang me!

                FROM JIYONG:

                           Jong Suk still enjoying it?

                TO JIYONG:

                          I feel like I need to prepare tissues for him. He’s about to lose it. I think.

                FROM JIYONG:

                         Comfort him well, so that he can move on easily.

                TO JIYONG:

                         Kill me!

The movie ended up tragically. Boy met an accident because of Girl. Boy died. Girl moved on after Boy talked to her in a dream, telling her to be happy. Jong Suk’s softness is a turn on that became a turn off, because he got too emotional after the movie that all he did on our way to my house is rant on how stupid the girl is.

Back to the present.

“Noona noticed my sudden change of mood after I learned that someone is courting you, and from there, she decided to talk to me. First, she asked me about you and how we’re dealing with life, being so hectic and sh…it”. He even think twice before saying the last word. “I told her that you’re keeping up with it and I’m doing everything just to give you time. Then, she asked about Jong Suk, what your real score is and sh…it”. What’s with that word? Like, seriously. “I said you’re out on a movie date as we speak, and then she giggled, and said, ‘I knew it’”

Very cool sister. Unnie is just so good in reading Jiyong.

“What did she say?” I am so curious about this. I also cannot believe that Unnie was able to keep it from me for so long, given that we are so open to each other about almost everything.

Jiyong gazed at me. “She wanted me to wait until you finish college before I make a move, simply because she knows about your big dreams, that I might be a wall to it”

“But…are you planning to confess before she talked to you?”

He hanged his head down and sighed. “Yes. That same night. It’s the reason why I went to your house. If only Jong Suk came a little late, I should’ve told you already”

Little by little, stories behind actions and happenings are coming out. I’m loving this.

“But after Noona talked to me, I see the point and decided to wait on the side, until I got over it or shall I say, got tired. That’s when I started courting girls and the rest is history”

He got tired, which is understandable because if I were him, I will not wait for the rain in a drought. I will not expect a chicken to lay crocodiles.

And there was silence. We sit blankly beside each other, both facing the book shelf, feet up on the couch. What’s happening now is hard to digest, but we’re getting by.

“How about you?” he looked at me and I looked back “When?”

Well, I don’t have to think.

Without wasting a second, “After my parents died. I will never forget how you made me strong. You never leave my side even when you’re so busy. I don’t know where to go, you lead me to your path, letting me walk on it with you. I don’t know how to live again, you started off by teaching me how to breathe. You went through all my hardships and miseries with me, without a single complain. You gave me hope when I completely lost it already. That’s when I realized, you’re a good guy, so good, it’s impossible to believe. Not to mention, during that time you were in a relationship and I saw how you took care of your girl, loved her, and respected her. If only your world is not as chaotic, I’m sure you lasted longer or maybe you’re still together until now”

Touched, Jiyong wrapped his arm on my shoulders and pulled me to his side. “You want to know a secret?” he asked, looking into my eyes. I raised an eyebrow and nodded. “Yes”

He take a deep breath and exhaled heavily. “I broke up with her because of you”

Wait. Wait. Wait.

What I know is (it came straight from his mouth), the girl broke up with him because she cannot keep up with everything that’s going on in his world.

“That’s now what I know” I told him, and he chuckled.

“I lied” he said, and I don’t know whether to get angry for lying to me or kiss him (his lips are just a few inches away) because of my raging hormones.

With a sigh, “I wanted to focus on you only, for I know you needed me more than ever. Also, she’s getting jealous of you, and even got to a point where she made me choose – you or her. Of course, I chose you. Right after that, I broke up with her. I apologized, don’t worry”

Knowing that Jiyong is not the type to break up with a girlfriend, but did it because of me, is amusing. It moved me mountains. He sacrificed his relationship and even hurt a girl just for me.

“I feel so bad for her” I said, sad. He shook his head and pushed my head down to his shoulder. “It’s in the past”

My emotions are once again on a roll. I was crying, so hard, Jiyong needed to convince me to drink water to stop my hiccups. I know, it’ all in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, but it feels heavy to know that somebody’s heart bled because of me.

“So…” Jiyong is eating his newly made egg rolls, while I zone out. I flinched. “Huh?”

He walked to the living room from the kitchen, carrying the plate of egg rolls. “Are we going to decide now or…”

Really, what’s with him not finishing his sentences?

“Hmm…” I got an egg roll, chewed and swallowed it first before saying, “Why don’t we think about it for a while. I mean, now that we know something…” Oh gosh! I felt awkward and tingly all of a sudden.

Jiyong chuckled. “Romantic” he said.

I snapped my fingers. “Yes! Something ROMANTIC is connecting us, there’s really no need to hurry. We just need time to prepare for the transition”

Ohhh. I said it well.

Nodding his head, grinning. “Good! Once you’re back, ask Hong Shik to move out of here. He can stay in Dolce Vita all he want, and we’ll start from there. Two weeks is enough for preparation”

He sounded as if commanding, but it’s fine since that’s what I’m planning to do once I come back from my trip. Of course, it’s unacceptable to be with someone and have another man in your house. I’ll also prepare a good parting speech.

The night is getting deeper. We are just doing our own thing. I’m double checking my luggage for tomorrow’s departure, while Jiyong is watching his favorite cartoon series.

“Aren’t you going home yet?” I asked, and he looked at me. “Are you making me leave?” It made me laugh. I walked in front, blocking the television. “No. But I’m already tired and sleepy, and my flight is early tomorrow”

“Can’t I sleep here?” the tone he used sounded like he’s joking but his face is serious.

“If it’s all good with you to share the couch with Hong Shik, then OK”. He looked at me intently, as if passing a message with his eyes. I shook my head. “Nope! You can’t sleep beside me. Seriously, I’m still in a mess and I’m not that sure if I can control….” I paused and blushed.

He burst out in laughter. “Same here”. He stood up and headed to the door. “I cannot believe how good I’m keeping it in”

Before he leaves, I planted a kiss on his cheek. “Yeah. We have to remember, we’re not yet lovers”. In return, he gave me a quick and very smooth kiss on the lips, making my heart do backflips again. “Two weeks” he said, smiling sweetly.

I smiled and sighed. “Yeah. Two weeks”

                                        *****