If all else fails, go mad and sad for a second, then pull out your most beautiful smile - the smile that will bring not just you, but everyone around you, a new wave of hope to get going again.

“Jiyong!”

He’s here and it’s past midnight already. I woke up just to go to the toilet and saw him walking in the apartment carrying a paper bag in both hands.

“Hey” he smiled at me sweetly “Good thing you’re still up”

I must say, Jiyong’s mood is better than the last time I saw him. I feel guilt creeping up in me remembering everything I said to him, messing up my happiness that he’s here. Oh gosh! I miss seeing him here.

“Jiyongie!” I rushed towards him and hugged him tightly.

He welcomed me in his arms warmly, “Aigoo” his lips are brushing my shoulder and it’s bringing me an electric kind of feeling.

It took us a good couple of minutes to pull away. “I’m sorry for all the words…the craziness…the attitude…” I keep on talking “THE DRAMA…the…”

OH!

Well, he stopped me mid-way by surprising me with a kiss. The moment his lips touched mine, all bets are off. I just stand there and let my emotions rule me. This time, love and longing are the most dominant.

“Mmm…” I was lost when he suddenly pulled out. I’m still feeling every second of our kiss. It’s too short.

He chuckled, “It’s so fun to see a woman in her thirties blush like a teenager”. Of course, he’ll make a joke out of this.

Every inch of me is awake now and I’m on cloud nine. “Sorry…but…” emptying my mind of all worries and whatnots, I cupped his face with both hands and claimed his lips. I made sure that through this kiss, I’m expressing my unwavering love for him as well as my gratitude and appreciation to all that he’s been doing for me and the kids.

The simple kiss became passionate in a snap that we found ourselves making-out on the couch. It’s been a long time since we’ve done this, but it doesn’t feel strange at all.

“O…k” to my dismay, I snapped back to my senses before things go naughty.

With our hands under each other’s shirts, crawling up and down our bodies, it will take only a few minutes before things heats up. Call me a kill joy, but is really not going to work good for us right now or at least until his marriage officially ends. I’ve been clear to Jiyong about intimacy and we agreed to save all the “loving” until he’s single again. Yes, we are stepping the line as of the moment, but it’s all cool, for I feel like we really need the kiss and the sweetness to bond and reconnect.

“You really know where to place your hand, huh?” I teased “You’re really something Kwon Jiyong” I followed, making him laugh.

 “Look who’s talking” he countered “You even squeezed my bum-bum”

My goodness! He even used the term our kids use for a . Well, I taught them kiddie terms for privates, which according to Aden is so pathetic because it won’t be long until the kids learn each of the privates’ real names and even its naughtiest and dirtiest nicknames.

I playfully hit his arm, “Did I?” Feeling playful, I push him back to the couch and sit on his lap with my legs on his sides. His eyes went big by my bold move, making me want to laugh but I’m trying really hard to hold it. As I run my hands from his shoulders, down his chest then stomach, I can feel him being (I’m expecting you know what I’m talking about. If not, just think of a banana). I must admit, I feel like a total vixen.

“Yah!” he nearly knocked me to the floor with his unintentional strong push.

I burst out laughing, “I can’t stand it anymore” I said, confusing him.

In a slight panic, “Can’t stand what?” he asked.

In a hurry, I pulled off of him and stood up, “I cannot hold my pee any longer!” I exclaimed “The reason why I woke up is to use the toilet…but you distracted me big time!” As fast as I can, I run to the toilet, leaving him laughing his off.

After my long-awaited toilet break (imagine, I was able to hold it in for almost twenty minutes!), I decided to prepare food for Jiyong. His drastic weight loss is depressing. Even before, whenever he’s preparing for a comeback, his health suffers to the point that it’s alarming already. Good thing, he can easily recover once his schedules lessen.

“What have you been eating lately, huh? Air?” I asked while cracking eggs. He requested for scrambled eggs and kimchi fried rice (one of his favorite combos of all time).

Jiyong who is patiently waiting beside me for his food to be done, smirked. “Well…I eat bad news in the morning…bashing for lunch….and I usually say pass at dinner because I’m already too full for the day” he answers sarcastically.

He is clearly joking, but there’s truth in what he said.

I cannot come up with the right words to say, so I just pulled him for a hug, hoping, wishing and praying that my hug gives him comfort.

Still in my arms, “I may look like it’s getting the best of me…but I truly can still stand it” he assured and hugged me tighter, “Don’t worry…I got this”

What’s with this day? I guess the universe finally decided to give us a break from the toxic situation we’re in even just for a while.

To my relief, Jiyong liked the food that I whipped up last minute. He finished everything, even my serving. I’m beyond satisfied and I feel accomplished watching him eat.

It’s two in the morning, but we still have the energy to chat over biscuits, cheese and fruits. Drag is, I only have cheap wine in the fridge that I bought in the convenience store a month ago.

“That will do” Jiyong gets the bottle from me and pours the both of us a glass. “It smells fairly good” he said, as I munch on biscuit and cheese.

Surprisingly, none from the kids and Dami-unnie are waking up even when Jiyong and I are moving here and there and laughing loudly.

“This wine…” Jiyong is drinking way too slow, while I’m on my second glass already “Never buy it again” he finally emptied his glass as I leisurely fill it up again, forcing him to another glass.

Comfortably leaning back to the couch, “I don’t know…but as I grow older…my taste seems to be way more…” I cannot think of a good word to describe it. “Well…not cheaper…but…”

“Cheaper” he pushed, making me laugh.

“I don’t know…I don’t want grand things anymore...unlike before…I can pay thousands just for a bottle of wine…now…I’m happy with convenience store wine” I follow up.

Jiyong nods in agreement, surprising me. As far as I’m concerned, this man has quite an expensive taste in almost everything. Not that it’s a bad thing, for he deserves to spend his money in whatever way he wants to. Many moons ago, I’m always his voice of conscience every time he’s tempted to splurge for unreasonable things.

After a few more sips, “I feel you” he said, receiving a nod from me “Maybe the reason of all these changes is…we have experienced most of what’s there to experience…and we’ve tried so many things…food and stuff” he sighed, “To make it simple…we’ve lived THE life for our age”

Hate to say this, but what he said only applies to him, not me. Yes, I may have lived well at my age, but there’s still so much I wanted to do that I intentionally choose not to do because I’d rather be a Mother than a seeker of the other stuff this world has to offer. I am being selfless and selfish at the same time.

Selfless, because I’m giving my all to my children, sacrificing even my own happiness for them.
Selfish, because I’m not saving anything for myself anymore.

To somehow lessen the thoughts in my head, I told Jiyong about my being selfless and selfish that made him serious in a snap.

“Tell me…aside from getting your career back….what else do you want?” he asked while looking intently at me.

I stared at him for a while, thinking deeply, “I want to travel the world” I replied.

Ever since young, my ultimate dream is to roam around the world to personally see the beauty of different places with my own eyes that I only see on postcards. Unlike Jiyong, I’m not well-travelled, especially with my line of work being very demanding, it’s really hard to leave it even just for a few days.

“You’ll definitely laugh at this…but…” I laughed ahead, making him laugh as well “I want to own a bakeshop like my classmate in elementary” I continued, “I want to make the best damn cookies and cupcakes too” I finished as he laughs out loud.

Back in elementary, I have a classmate whose parents own a bakeshop near our school. They make the most delicious cupcakes and cookies ever! I always save fifty percent of my small allowance to buy a piece every morning when the goodies are freshly baked. That classmate and I became good friends after she learned that Jiyong is my bestfriend. Turns out, she’s got a huge crush on him and the only reason why she made friends with me is because she wanted to get close to him. Everything’s going well until Jiyong confronted her about her, using me. Almost instantly, that girl ignored me and even prohibited me to go to their bakeshop because according to her, once she sees me in there, she will put a cockroach in my cupcake. From then on, I decided to not buy anything from their shop anymore. I even made myself believe that I’m their business’ biggest loss and their sales will go to an all-time low in the long run (I know, it’s so stupid of me to think that).

After laughing until his eyes waters, “I will never forget your famous…” he sits up straight and cleared his throat “In na will pay for this! I swear Jiyongie! When I grow up…I will be a baker and I will challenge her for a cupcake face off!” Jiyong just perfectly imitated me, making me laugh so hard.

Obviously, I didn’t become a baker. As a matter of fact, I don’t even bake good and my kids can attest to that. Back in Chicago, they don’t volunteer to bring baked goodies in class when almost all of their classmates have done it for the sole reason that they will just get embarrassed with their Mom’s zero to none baking skills.

Reminiscing the past made Jiyong and I very sentimental. It’s the wee hours of the night and we are still going down memory lane, reminding ourselves of how simple and light life is back then.

“How I wish we still have that strong desire to become an adult…get me? I wish we can go back to that time when we keep on imagining how good it might be to do whatever we feel like doing without asking for permission from our parents” Jiyong said, while staring at the ceiling. He is comfortably lying on the couch with his head on my thigh.

 While playing with his hair, twisting it around my finger, I sighed, “This isn’t how we pictured our lives to be” I said and our eyes met. He shakes his head and grabs my hand, intertwining his fingers to mine.

“It’s disappointing…but…we’re getting by…which is better than struggling to live day by day” I continued and smiled at him.

“The only thing that we got right is our friendship” he said, with the back of my hand close to his lips. “Sure…we fall flat every now and then…damn we even broke the golden rule of not dating your bestfriend…we created two little humans unexpectedly” he take a deep breath and exhaled slowly “We’ve been through hell and out but our friendship still stands tall…unshaken”

One thing that I love talking about most is our friendship. Yes, we brought it to another level, blindly walking on a strange path that none of us imagined would be mostly rough. But, look where we are right now. Yes, we are far from having our happy ever after and we’re not even aiming for it. All that matters is we remained where we are and retained what we are supposed to be.

Even more sentimental, Jiyong continues, “If only I know then that I’ll completely fall deeply in love with you and you’re going to be the Mother of my children…I should’ve not wasted my time fooling around” he scans my face with his hazel eyes “I should’ve not looked for love from other girls anymore”

Regrets, it always find its way whenever you’re reminiscing. We end up torturing ourselves, thinking of all the what ifs.

Honestly, there are times when I’ll randomly ask myself, What if Jiyong and I just stayed as bestfriends and didn’t acknowledge our feelings for each other?

All I can say is everything happens for a reason. Most even come unexpected. Things might not go the way we intended it to be. What’s important is, we are going through it without any doubts that we can handle everything well. Let us prove to ourselves that where we are now is better than where we wanted to be at. There should be no room for regrets because dwelling in it will not bring you anywhere.

“You know what?” Jiyong sits up all of a sudden, surprising me. He chuckled and shifted himself to face me. “Instead of talking about the past…which isn’t as blissful as it’s supposed to be” he leaned forward and playfully pinched my nose. To get even, I pinched his nose too. “Why not talk about the future?” he asked, sounding funny.

Yeah, we’re childish. We know. We know.

I snapped my fingers, “That’s more like it!” I said with a wink.

I’m loving our spontaneity. It’s not every time we’re like this.

Completely over my cheap wine, I stopped drinking as well. This is one for the books, for it’s rare of us to have a heart to heart talk without drinking. Shall I juice up some fruits instead?

“NO” Jiyong protested “Don’t bother…I honestly haven’t gotten over your funny tasting fresh squeezed orange juice yet” he looks so disgusted.

I throw a pillow at him, “You can just say it straight you know” and throw another pillow again “Plain and simple…it tastes so freakin’ bad”

He cracks up laughing, “It’s so bad…I’m traumatized” he teased and all I can do is stick out my tongue at him like a little brat.

Back to regular programming…

The future. Thinking of it, I cannot help but fear it (I’m sure you do too), at the same time, it excites me.

“I want our kids to enjoy their childhood to its max” Jiyong started “I want them to tell their future children how fun their childhood is”

I nod many times in agreement “Just like us to them”

He smiles brightly, “Exactly!”

Our childhood is definitely the highlight of our entire existence. During those times, we are so free and fearless as if nothing and no one can ruin our vibe. We wake up every single day with huge smiles on our faces because there’s really nothing to be sad about.

I hope one day, our children will find a best friend/s that will run in the wild with them, like their Daddy and I.

“If they want to study abroad I’m all good with it” Jiyong is impressing me so much, I didn’t know he’s been thinking of this already.

Well, I think of it too, but I’m taking my time.

I looked at him with narrow eyes, “Do you think you can last being away from them for years and if they decide to live far…you’ll see them at least twice a year…worse…once a year only” I doubt he can handle not seeing our kids every day. You know how attached he is to them that I have a feeling, even when they’re living their own lives already, he will still lurk around.

He paused to think, then shakes his head as if removing the thought of it from his head. “Let’s move to wherever country they want to stay at” he confidently said.

I hissed “What if they are in two different countries?”

I suddenly want to stretch this topic thin just to annoy him.

He sighed, “Well…we’ll tell them to just be in one country then”

I pretended to think, biting the inside of my cheek “But…what if they are in one country….just in different states?”

Busting me out, “YAH!” he yelled. It’s his time to throw a pillow at me.

Kidding aside, I really don’t mind if Ethan and Emma decide to live away from us. They have my full support in whatever they desire to do. It will surely be sad not seeing them on a daily basis, but if living away is what’s going to make them grow into the person they wanted to be, who am I to hold them back, right?

“Do we really have to date first after my divorce…can’t we just get married right away?”

And we’re on this topic already. Honestly, I don’t want to talk about this yet. But, he already pulled it out. So…

I leaned forward, left arm stretched out to him. Instinctively, he leaned forward as well, bringing his face closer. Without a word, I flicked his forehead, “YAH!” he yelled.

“Jiyongie…I already told you” I take a breath and gently rubs his forehead that has turned red-ish because of me “Your next marriage might take years to happen” I said, earning a smirk from him. I rolled my eyes, “Also…once you’re granted the divorce…I suggest that we wait for a while before dating…I mean…it’s just right to ease things up first before diving into another relationship again”

I know that he knows of this too, but is just too ‘pumped’ to even consider it. Once again, I ended up explaining my side to him. Thankfully, he finally get me and even though I know, this same topic will come up again, in one way or another, he won’t be as narrow minded and pushy as he is now.

“I want our wedding to be the most beautiful of all” the moment he said this, I nearly fall off the couch.  “I will be all out to it”

I chuckled, “Your imagination is on steroids once again” I am playing it cool when truth is, I’m feeling butterflies in my stomach as we speak.

Thinking that he knows my dream wedding so well, I wouldn’t be shocked if he’ll plan everything by himself, and all I have to do is show up at the altar.

He holds my hand and looks straight into my eyes, “The thought of you as my wife gets me going through tough days you know…that’s why I love imagining it”

Tell me, who wouldn’t fall in love with him? Like seriously.

“You must’ve imagine it every day nowadays” I joked, but he didn’t laugh.

He sighed, “As a matter of fact…I got strength from it yesterday”

With my curiosity building up, “Aside from my unexpected outburst…what else happened yesterday?” I asked, wishing to not hear any more bad news.

There was silence for a while. Jiyong is just staring at me while I wait for his answer.

“I’ve released an official statement regarding the rumors already” he told me carefully “The world knows about the kids now”

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