All I can control is myself.

The moment I stepped out of my apartment to pick the kids in school, my senses automatically heightens. All of a sudden, I’m cautious of my surroundings. For the very first time, in this area, in this familiar place, I feel vulnerable and watched.

“Crazy” I whispered to myself as I get a good grip of the steering wheel.

This is my first time driving upon arriving in Korea. Back in Chicago, I only get to drive whenever Aden is too weak to drive himself to the hospital. I must say, my nerves are kicking in. It’s been so long since I drove around the city. I even reviewed road rules before leaving to refresh my mind. Good thing, my ‘super brain’ is still functioning well even after all the flood of thoughts. All that I need now is peace of mind, there’s no room for worries and fear.

“Woah!” I jerked up as the engine strongly roared to life.

This car is something else. It’s Dami Unnie’s. According to her, she’s had it for three years but rarely uses it but by the looks of it, I doubt it’s secondhand because it doesn’t give a used car vibe nor does it smell like it.

Out of curiosity, I get out of the car, engine up and running, just to look under the hood. “I knew it” I said under my breath.

I’m no expert, but I can easily tell just by looking at its engine that the car is indeed brand new, for years old cars makes this distinct sound, telling you that it’s been used. But this car, it purrs sweetly like a cat. Jiyong and Unnie got me there. They were able to make me believe that it’s secondhand, after I told them that I won’t accept a new one.

“Let’s see if you have the same charm as my Honda” I foolishly talked to it then burst out laughing. Gosh! I needed a good laugh to extinguish everything that’s been bugging me even just for a little while.

Many moons back, I drive a Honda to work and around the city. Jiyong would always tell me to buy a new car or at least the ‘updated’ version of my unit because mine is totally outdated. Of course, I didn’t listen to him, because my car, as old and unattractive as it looks, has a unique charm that I love. Apparently, he sold it out when I ran away.

“You tell me you’re in love with me…
Like you can’t take your pretty eyes away from me…”

One thing I love about driving alone is being able to sing my heart out. Way back, Jiyong and I will have these random road trips wherein he’ll pick me up from work or at home, just for a long drive to nowhere. During these moments, I give him my own kind of concert. Instead of him singing, I do the job and he lets me do it because according to him, he enjoys hearing my out of tune and pitchy singing. I can still remember we take turns in making playlists (Smartphones are not that smart yet during that time. We would really take time searching songs online, download them then transfer them either in a CD or an MP3). There are a lot of bickering and teasing because of some songs or sometimes, the whole playlist. But one thing is for sure, those trips are the best we’ve had. It was so carefree, sudden, and thoughtless – these three combined never fails to give a good time.

“Sometimes I run…
Sometimes I hide…
Sometimes I’m scared of you…
But all I want to do is hold you tight….treat you right…
Be with you day and night…”

90’s kids surely know this Britney Spears song titled, Sometimes, released in 1999. This is my ‘jam’. Well, Britney’s first albums are. It’s my ultimate road trip playlist. An all- time favorite, that Jiyong painfully endured together with my Spice Girls playlist. There was even a time when he secretly took my cd’s and kept them somewhere I won’t even consider looking at, just so he can have a break from all my girly .

And my one man, no audience concert continued. I’m having a blast and no traffic can kill my vibe.

“I need a girl who’ll ride for me…
Damn near die for me…”

Next on my list is Diddy’s I need a girl, released in 2001. Yep! Before Taeyang’s I need a girl, there’s this, and it’s Jiyong and I’s staple jam. Whenever this song plays, I turn into a hip-hop star. I know every word and never miss a beat.

“Hmm…” he never really picked up any of my calls with a standard ‘Hello’.

I called Jiyong to go down memory lane with me. It’s so random, but I feel like sharing this moment with him.

“Listen” I said and turned up the volume.

Yes, I know, I’m breaking a road rule that is no loud music in the car, but no worries, this won’t take long.

“…and Lord knows if I die she gon’ cry for me…
Never say bye to me…
I can’t deny…love is official…” I rapped while he laughs his off.

“Aigoo…” he is only listening to me when I need him to sing-a-long with me.

“Yah!” I yelled “Sing with me! Do your part!” I must have gone totally nuts. I cannot believe I called him just to force him to jam with me when I know so well that he got more important things to do.

After clearing his throat, “Have a baby with me…”

“This is what she’ll do…” I second voice, making him laugh so hard.

“Not too industry…
Someone who’ll never leave…” he is now into it. But then, he stopped singing.

“Yah!” I yelled again.

He chuckled, “Play it back a little” he ordered and I obeyed, carelessly playing it back.

“Have a baby with me…” he started singing along again. Of course, I didn’t forget to do my part (the second voice).

“Not too industry…
Someone who’ll never leave…” he sings a bit louder and clearer than before
“How I wish my wife could be you” then he stopped singing again.

And I’m speechless.

Now we’re awkward and I can strongly feel it on my end. The silence isn’t helping at all.

“Hmm…” I’m trying to pull out words from my head to my mouth but there’s totally none to pull. At some point I even considered hanging up on him, no goodbyes, no nothing. Drag is, Jiyong hates it so much whenever someone drops a call on him, and last thing I want is him pissed.

He cleared his throat as I wait for what’s going to happen to next “You…finally used your car”

Alright! We’re moving forward! *applause*

I rolled my eyes, “For a secondhand car….this one…I must say…runs like it’s brand new” I sarcastically said and he just chuckled.

“Busted” he said after a while, making me hiss.

“Jiyongie…we had an agreement” I told him. I am not mad. I just cannot believe that he spent so much again.

“Look Areumie…” he takes a deep breath “It’s just not you who’s going to ride that car…our kids will too…so instead of looking for a secondhand car that we don’t even have an assurance that’ll last for years and is completely safe…I looked for a car that is child friendly…road friendly…and get this…” his way of enumerating and selling out this car is so cute “It’s top of the class environment friendly” he sounds so proud of his recent splurge “It may be expensive…

“It surely costs a fortune” I butted in.

He chuckled, “At least we’re sure you guys are in good hands” he said “Not just that…you are helping the environment as well…one thing your Honda cannot do” he said and as much as I want to defend my poor Honda, I just dropped my case. After all, there’s really nothing to it I can strongly defend.

Okay. I agree. This car is a win and I’m thankful to him because he really thought of our safety. I can only imagine how strict he is in choosing a car to give to us. But, I just want to say, road safety doesn’t solely rely on the car, the one behind the steering wheel has a huge part on it as well. So for all of you, Drive Safe!

Completely sold, “Thank you Jiyongie!” I said, still in disbelief that I’m driving a car that can probably feed and keep a family of four for two years or more.

For some reason, I can imagine him smiling sweetly on the other end, making me smile from ear to ear. “No problem. For you and the kids” his voice is giving me this seductive vibe, it’s crazy.

After that, I was forced to listen to him as he explains the car’s other features further. He became a human car manual, while I endure the talking when all I want is to continue jamming to my favorite songs.

“Kwon Jiyong!” I playfully called, intending to distract him, but he still keeps on talking, “G-Dragon!” I need him to stop. I only have about fifteen minutes to sing my heart out until I listen to Baby Shark on repeat.

Totally not in the mood to listen anymore, I turn the volume up and Roxette’s, It must have been love, is playing.

Once again, it’s a 90’s hit. I always tease Jiyong with this song every time he breaks up with a girlfriend, and it annoys him to the bone. There was even a time when he got so mad at me, he ignored me for weeks, just to come to me after a while, asking for an advice (that he didn’t really take as I remember).

“It must have been love!” I am singing but screaming at the same time
“It must have been good…but I lost it somehow…” I enjoy this very much.

Defeated, all Jiyong can do is sigh and curse.

So into it, I gave my all in singing the chorus with him possibly pissed at me for being so loud, “Sing your ultimate breakup song, Jiyongie!” I teased.

“You can really be an , huh?” he said and it just made me sing louder.

To my surprise, “It must have been love! But it’s over now…” he sings with gusto
“It was all that I wanted…
Now I’m living without…”

I am telling you, he can do a cover of this song and it will come out sounding new. I also believe that it’s going to rise up the charts in a flash.

Our over-the-phone sing along ended with our all-time finale song that is So Chan Hui’s, Tears. Its monstrous-beyond human level-high notes are the most fun to sing along with. Many have tried singing this song, but only a few succeeded.

When I arrived at the kids’ school, my mood is up that I don’t have to cover any worry with a smile, for I’m genuinely smiling already. I saw Ethan and Emma waiting for me in an area away from the playing kids. They are talking to each other, laughing at something I’m interested in knowing. They seem to have a world of their own, and as wonderful as it looks, I know one day they will branch out and have multiple connections other than each other.

“MOM!” Emma saw me first.

My kids, I never realize how much I missed them until now. For a moment, I feel emotional, all because they were able to last hours without me around.

“Let’s hang here for while” I sit in between them, my eyes fixed at the beautiful building in front of us.

This school is seriously huge. I wasn’t able to take it all in when I dropped the kids off this morning. It’s still surreal to me that this is where Ethan and Emma are going to be studying for so many years. This institution is going to help Jiyong and I educate and raise our children the best way.

Like a typical Mom, the first thing I checked is their lunchboxes. “I finished them all, Mom!” Ethan told me, looking so proud. I give him two thumbs up. “I gave my seatmate some pasta salad…in return…she gave me an egg roll” he finished with a satisfied smile.

“How about Emma?” I reached for her lunchbox “Oh!” It’s still heavy. It seems like someone didn’t finish her lunch.

Intrigued, I opened it, expecting to see everything I prepared, untouched, “What?”

Emma actually finished all her food. What’s making the lunchbox heavy are different kinds of snacks and a couple of yogurt drinks that didn’t come from me.

Confused, I look at my daughter who is smiling brightly, “Where did these come from?” I asked.

She giggled with her hand covering . Aigoo…too girly but so cute!

“The boys from my class gave some of their snacks to me Mom” she innocently answered “I don’t know why…” she said with the cutest shrug “I was thinking…maybe it’s their way of welcoming me…thing is…the girls didn’t give me even one snack” she pouts in disappointment.

Looks like little miss Emma has admirers already. Well, isn’t that it?

Back when I was still in school where life isn’t as complicated and messed up yet, I also received random gifts from some boys from another school (it’s where Jiyong went to and graduated). Funny, because I was already in middle school when the random gift giving started, and here comes my daughter, experiencing the same thing at almost four years old, and in Pre-K. It seems like Jiyong will really have the toughest challenge in the years to come that is keeping his daughter away from boys as long as he can.

“Your classmates are so kind, Emma” I am getting tingly inside. Brushing hair off her face, “It doesn’t mean that because the girls didn’t give you snacks…you’re not being welcomed by them anymore” I said and she nodded “Like the boys, they welcome you too…just in a different way”

I felt the need to clear things out for her not to see her girl classmates in a different light.

As expected, Ethan wondered why he didn’t get any snacks from his classmates like his sister. I just told him that maybe his classmates don’t have enough to give out.

Still in school grounds (I don’t know, but I really love the ambiance here. There’s something to it that makes it so cozy). “How was school and what did you learn today?” I always ask them this question.

“It’s super good, Mom!” they answered at the same time.

It made me giggle, “Really?”

Both nodded, “My classmates are kind to me…they always include me in their games” Ethan shares.

Emma excitedly raised her hand, ever so ready to answer my question.

I pointed at her, “Yes, Princess”

She takes a deep breath first and exhaled cutely, “My classmates are kind to me too!” she is jumpy “We were taught how to count until one-hundred and the alphabets too!” she followed up, “My teacher is surprised because I know my alphabets and numbers well already”

Phew! My tutoring really paid off. I must admit, it’s not easy to teach little kids, especially your own, because they are too comfortable with you, there are times when they don’t listen at all, thinking that they can get away with it unlike with normal teachers.

Mom Areumie tip: When teaching your kids, especially the small ones, do not expect them to sit still and listen until the very end. Their attention span is quite short. If you want to get their full attention and somewhat prolong the teaching, be creative and make it interactive.

The three of us stayed in school for an hour and went home right after. In the car, I asked them why they’re far away from the kids when I arrived and they said they had enough fun with their new friends, it’s time to have some brother-sister time – this made my heart flutter. My kids really care and love each other so much.

It’s early in the morning the next day and I’m up for school preparations again. After waking the kids up (believe it or not, I didn’t have a hard time waking them this time because they’re excited for school, making them function well early in the morning). I feed them breakfast, bathe them, helped them into their uniforms and prepared lunches. Once in a while my soul flies out of my body, but I’m pushing through because…well…Mom Life.

For the kids’ lunch, I prepared Grilled Cheese Roll ups, organic strawberry oatmeal bars (that Dami Unnie gave), and orange flavored juice box to drink. I was actually thinking of juicing up fresh oranges but scratched it off after being reminded of how my kids hated the au natural orange juice I made weeks ago.

“What the!” my nerves started shooting up upon seeing not only one, but two photographers the moment we reached the parking lot.

Seriously, this is giving me the freaks. I’m with my kids. That alone is enough to freak the heck out of me.

“Let’s race to our car” I told them, receiving confused looks from the two. While trying damn hard to stay cool and collected, I let go of their hands so they can run freely “Ready?” I asked and their innocent faces lights up in excitement. “GO!” I gave the go signal and tailed them to the car.

Racing them is the only idea I can decently think of to get to the car faster. I need to get my kids out of here, out of these crazy photographers sight.

“First!” Emma tapped the car. She runs like roadrunner.

“Oh Man!” Ethan said, surprising me.

I walked over to him, “Who taught you that expression?” I asked out of curiosity.

He giggled, “Uncle Youngbae” he answered, and all I can do is face-palm.

Las t night before the kids go to bed, Jiyong called to check on them. They told him EVERYTHING that happened, from their preparations for school this morning until how I helped them in making nametags. They also got the chance to talk to Youngbae, and had a good laugh over a voice impersonation of Doraemon (I haven’t heard it, but according to the kids it’s really funny).

This early, I can tell that the Big Bang boys are going to be the coolest, weirdest, out-of-this-world, chic-est and swag-est uncles ever! I just wish that, that ‘Oh man!’ expression to only come out with us around (Fine! I want it forgotten or changed into something else).

“Leave us alone!” I yelled at photographer #1 who is just a few cars away from ours now. Fortunately, our car’s windows are heavily tinted. They cannot take a picture of my kids in it anymore.

If this isn’t freaky, I don’t know what is.

These two are so rude, I swear, if only I can throw rocks at them, I already did right off the bat.

Thankfully, I was able to keep my composure all-throughout my drive to school.

“I love you guys so…so…so…much!” I kissed them both on the forehead.

“We love you too, Mom!” Ethan speaks for the two of them, and I was showered with kisses.

With the kids safe from cameras (at least for a few hours), I sighed in relief. My mind is starting to wander off, something that I am controlling not to happen.

“What the f…” my eyes widened upon seeing the entertainment news headlines.

I don’t know what came to me, but I suddenly trip on checking what (or shall I say, who) is on the headlines. Honestly, I wasn’t shocked at all when I saw who is.

                                                                                                                                                ****

“Get the kids out of this or I’ll leave this country again…with them”