That unexplainable feeling when you’re staring at the one you love and seeing a bright future ahead together mixed with the fear that it might not come, and that your vision is just trying to satisfy you for a moment.

I’m finally home. Who knew I would miss everything I left here? I don’t. To be honest, my three weeks trip out of the country is the most exhausting, yet enjoying of all. I felt like I rode the longest and endless loop rollercoaster with the wave of emotions that came to me. Oh well, I pretty much got the needed vacation I badly wished for, and the time I asked to gather my thoughts up and weigh my feelings for Jiyong.

Walking to my apartment, I felt weak, for I don’t have a choice but to face Hong Shik who is still clueless of what’s happening. Jiyong and I talked about him on the way home with him telling me over and over again that honesty is all that matters. I agree. But, it’s not that easy. If only I know that things will turn out like this, I would’ve just waited for Jiyong to burst out and tell me he loves me, and should’ve not looked for love elsewhere. I feel totally bad for Hong Shik. The guy is a really good person.

“Oh!” I walked in and the place looks exactly how I left it. The scent of my favorite lavender washed off nonetheless, it feels like home.

Where could he be? It’s only early afternoon. Usually, at this time he’s bumming around, playing his guitar in the living room.

Wait.

The boxes with his family’s things in them are not in its corner anymore. Did he save enough money to rent an apartment? Why didn’t he tell me?

With Hong Shik in mind, I dialed Jiyong’s number and headed to my room. Nothing’s changed, except for my bed’s fresh sheets. It’s so kind of Hong Shik to do it (there’s no one else who can do it, right?).

“Hey” Jiyong’s voice is softer than a feathered pillow.

I smiled. “Yah! You sweet thing! What’s with the voice?”

OK. Hang me! I know we’re being cheesy. Forgive us.

He chuckled. “Nothing” he sighed.

I take in a breath and exhaled heavily. “Hong Shik’s not here when I arrived. His things are not here as well”

Silence.

Maybe Jiyong is also thinking about where Hong Shik is. The last time I heard of him was when I was in London, and it was a fast conversation because I’m running late for the seminar. Jiyong hasn’t seen him in the couple of times he dropped by my apartment before leaving for Australia. For some reason, I don’t feel good about Hong Shik’s sudden disappearance.

“I’ll go there. I need to tell you something” Jiyong said after a while. I raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “About?” I asked. He sighed. “I’ll tell you when I get there”

Does he know something I don’t? Is it about Hong Shik? All I’m praying is for him to be in good shape.

I had one of the longest wait of my life. My nerves are pent up. My head is aching from thinking about the “what if’s”.

*Ding!*

In a rush, I rolled myself out of bed and ran to the door. Jiyong have already changed his clothes, while I’m still in my travel clothes (I’m not functioning well. My body just don’t want to move that much).

“What is it you’re going to tell me?”

“Aigoo. You’re not even going to hug me first before we get into it?” he said, making me sigh as I give him a hug.

“I’m so curious and bothered” I sat on the couch and he pulled me close to him. “Look” I pointed at the corner where Hong Shik’s boxes were placed. “It’s empty” I said and looked straight into his eyes.

I can tell that he’s about to say something serious just by his eyes. My heart started racing, for it can be bad.

“Ok. Here it is” he faced me fully to him, gripping my shoulders.

“Go! Talk!” I impatiently said.

He takes in a breath and exhaled, eyes closed. “Remember when I told you that I’ll ask manager Hyung to watch over Hong Shik?”

Honestly, I don’t remember anymore.

“What about it?” I asked, nervously.

He looked into my eyes and cupped my cheek. “A few days ago, YGE received calls from different recording agencies saying that a guy is personally walking in their companies, giving recorded demos of different versions of my songs. The drag is, he’s introducing himself as my protégé, telling them that I highly recommended these companies to go into and when asked why I didn’t help him to YGE, he said that I don’t want to put another “ME” in the company for Hyun Suk Hyung doesn’t know about him and that I’m just about to announce my independence as a producer and a star maker within this year. Turns out, the guy is Hong Shik”

“Hyun Suk Hyung personally called me upon hearing this, we were still in Melbourne. I told him that I know nothing about it, and I don’t even have plans of leaving YGE and establishing my own company. He asked me if I know Hong Shik and I told him the whole story”

As I expected, this is a bad news.

“Are you going to press charges on Hong Shik?” I asked, fearful and embarrassed.

He bowed his head and shrugged, “I haven’t decided yet”

I’m supposed to be mad at Hong Shik, right? As in MAD, to the point that I want to kill him, but why do I feel sympathy for him?

“Maybe he’s just desperate. You know, his family has reached rock bottom”

Jiyong shook his head. “Well, yeah”

This can turn things around for Hong Shik. I can just tell Jiyong to drop the issue and I’ll be dealing with it instead.

“About his family” he rubbed his chin and looked straight into my eyes. “Did you know that his Mother is long gone? She passed away five years ago”

Dumbfounded. “What?”

Jiyong sighed. “He lied to you about his family, Areumie. The truth is he’s married. Turns out, the Mother he’s talking about is his wife who is pregnant to their second baby. Their first born, a boy, have an enlarged heart and Autism.  According to the information given to me by Manager Hyung, the kid’s only two years old.  In all fairness to him, the story of them kicked out from their apartment is true”

“I must say, he’s really desperate and I know where he’s coming from. To be honest, I can let go of his issue with me. But, I’m not good with all the lies he said to you. He fooled you when you’ve been so accommodating and kind to him”

Can someone please wake me up from this nightmare? Shake me hard. I don’t mind.

“How…” I’m speechless. I don’t know what to feel.  “Do you know where he is?” I asked, while preparing myself for a battle, a war.

“Look Areumie…” Jiyong holds me by the shoulders and faced me to him. “I know what you’re feeling and I’m so sure that it won’t do any good if you confront him right now”

“No!” I brushed his hand off me and stood up. My blood is boiling. All I want is to find Hong Shik and beat the out of him. “He lied to me, and damn it Jiyong! You know how I hate being lied to. I trusted him! I welcomed him into my life without second thoughts. I let him into my house without asking for anything in return. I don’t deserve his lies! Gosh!” I shouted in rage. “I’m so stupid!”

Only watching me, Jiyong stayed silent until I calmed down. He gave me a glass of water when I settled on the couch again and hugged me tightly, comforting me the best way he can.

“He’s a douchebag” I’m crying my eyes out. The pain I’m feeling is so rich, an open wound poured with alcohol is nothing.

After a while, I started bugging Jiyong to tell me where Hong Shik is. He then gave in.

According to his manager, Hong Shik was able to pay their debt using the money he got from the “News scoop” about him being G-dragon’s protégé. I don’t know how much he got, but it was said to be a lot (Not surprised about this at all. Any news, especially the no-good ones, about THE G-dragon is priced high by the media).

“This is a nice neighborhood” I told Jiyong, while looking out the window.

It’s early evening and I was able to drag him to Hong Shik’s place. I don’t know if seeing him is good right now, but I want to get this over with. After all, I need to cut strings with him.

“I have a feeling he’s not here” Jiyong looked so nervous. Maybe because he knows the things I can do to Hong Shik the moment I see him. Oh God. I swear! I will cut his head off!

Without saying a word, I get out of the car and waited for him outside. Facing the building where Hong Shik’s unit is, I cannot help but imagine different scenarios.

Scene 1: He will open the door. His mouth will hang open upon seeing me. I will give him my fakest smile and before he can even digest everything, my palm has already landed on his cheek, giving him the most painful slap he can ever get from anyone.

Scene 2: His wife will open the door. She will ask me “What can I do for you?”. I will smile at her dryly. She will smile back. I will stop and think for a while. I will not dare to look at her big baby bump because I’m sure that if I do so, I won’t be able to tell her about her husband’s infidelity. So, only looking at her face, I will tell her EVERYTHING, even the .

Scene 3: He opens the door, his wife sitting on the couch in the living room. I will calmly talk to him but burst out after a while. His wife will hear it, and her stomach will ache because of stress. Instead of a confrontation, we ended up at the hospital.

“URGH!” I groaned.

“What….” Even before Jiyong can continue what he’s about to say, I bolted to the building, followed by him.

I’m dragging myself. I feel so heavy. What I’m about to do can break Hong Shik’s family, but I got to do what I got to do. It is to make him feel guilty for fooling me. People like him should know their place and I will do it no matter what.

“Here we are” I turned to Jiyong who is silently following me.

He takes in a breath and exhaled slowly. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes”

It took me a while to organize my thoughts. If I’m going to do this, I have to be spot on. There’s no room for sympathy. I will tell him nothing but his lies and how hurt I am because of what he has done.

My hands sweat while waiting for somebody to open the door. Jiyong is standing behind me, still silent, but I can feel his nerves and anxiousness. He’s remarkably calm and chill about all this. I guess the fact that Hong Shik has a family to feed and take care of washed away his anger. He will not file a case against him for sure.

“Oh!” A woman with a big baby bump opened the door.

OH MY! Scene 2!

“Hi” I greeted blankly.

She smiled. Confusion and curiosity all over her face, and Jiyong is the one causing it. Hong Shik’s wife looks fragile. Unlike healthy preggys out there, I cannot see the “glow”. Her hair is tied up in a loose bun. The print on the loose shirt she’s wearing is fading. Her eyes lost its sparkle. This woman’s dried out, like a prune.

“Are you looking for Hong Shik?” she asked, after a while.

Jiyong stepped forward, brushing me to the side. “Hi” he extended his hand to her and she took it in surprise and amazement. “I’m Kwon Jiyong”

“Of course” she said.

“You must be Hong Shik’s wife”

“Yes. I am Bora”

Jiyong and I looked at each other, as if asking, ‘is this a go or a no go?’

Go.

“Hi. I’m Jeong Areum” I introduced myself and she’s looking at me with big eyes. “Is your husband there?”

It took her a minute to answer. “Yes. He’s about to go to work actually”

“Can we see him even just for a few minutes?” I am in war mode already. But don’t worry, I will not include his wife in this battle.

“Come in” she opened the door wider for us and we carefully walked inside.

Their unit is small. Not even half of mine. There are toys on the floor. The living room doesn’t look like a living room. Boxes are everywhere. Freshly washed clothes are being dried out in a corner. This doesn’t feel and look like home.

“Oh!” I hold onto Jiyong’s arm upon seeing a boy in one corner playing on his own, with his back facing us.

“Minjoon” Bora called, but the little boy didn’t react. “Ya!” she shouted at him, making me feel really bad. She walked towards him and grabbed his thin arm. “Can’t you hear me, huh? I’m calling you! You’re such an embarrassment!”

“Ah…” I was about to go to them, but Jiyong stopped me.

Given that the little boy has autism and a heart problem, he shouldn’t be treated this way. Just by looking at him, I can tell that he’s not in good shape. The Doctor in me wants to check on him badly, and my soft heart just wants to comfort him, for I know that the last thing he need is to be scolded.

“Areum!” His voice ticked me off. My blood is once again at its boiling point, that in a short while, I’m about to give him a greeting he will never forget his entire life.

“Jiyong!” He froze upon seeing him.

“You’re back”

I smirked. “Yes”

Oh my good Lord! How will I start? After seeing his family’s situation, how will I make a scene?

Slowly, my heart is softening. Not for Hong Shik (Gosh! He’s one big liar!), but for his wife and son. Somehow, I understand why he did what he did, but I just can’t accept how stupid I was to buy all that he said.

“Hmmm….” My hands are shaking. I really don’t know what to do. Before coming here, I already made a speech. I even want to give him a double slap then say ‘First one’s for me and the other for Jiyong’.

“I can explain” Hong Shik said, looking straight into my eyes. His cold fingers touched my elbow.

Aware of his wife, I took a deep breath and pulled out the fakest smile I can ever give. “Outside” I said, almost in a whisper then walked out of their apartment without a single word.

If I can’t beat the out of him in front of his family, I can definitely give him a low blow in the hallway.

“Areumie” Jiyong is the first to follow. He squeezed my arm as if saying, ‘Take it easy’, that I returned with a blank stare.

The moment Hong Shik closed the door behind him, my blood automatically boiled, resulting for me to punch him in the face.

“AHHHH!!!!” he cried.

My whole body is shaking in anger. Jiyong is too shocked to move. Another wave of rage and my palm landed on his cheek, the crisp sound tells how painful it was. His nose started bleeding. Dark red liquid trickled down his upper lip, while I watch him take in my anger. I’m not heartless. Believe it or not, I’m hurting for hurting him, but this is the only way I know to release even a drop of the mixed feelings I’m being drowned in as of the moment.

“We’ll go now” Jiyong stepped in, giving Hong Shik his handkerchief. “As much as I want to take you to the Doctor, I need to get Areum out of here before she kills you”

And just like that, I was pulled out of that building, still shaking. It took me half an hour to calm down. Jiyong didn’t say a word. He just let me live in my head for a while before driving off.

“That jerk! I’m so angry, I would’ve done big damage if given a chance! ARGH!” I spitted out.

“Aigoo”

“Seriously Jiyong, why are you so chill about this, huh?”

He takes in a deep breath and stopped the car on the curb. Facing me, he sighed. “Didn’t you see their situation? His family is struggling. His wife is about to pop out, God knows where he’s going to get money to pay for her delivery and baby expenses. To add to all that, his son has special needs. You’re a Doctor Areumie! I’m sure with just one look you know that kid badly needs help!”

Now I feel like a bad person.

“I’m already there. But, what he did hurts me. All the lies! You know how I hate being lied to!”

“I KNOW! And I totally understand your reaction to all this. Now, in one way or another, you’ve already given him the beating he deserves. Can you please drop this and just move on?”

Move on. Wow! As if it’s that easy. Not that Hong Shik and I had a serious and committed romantic relationship, but it’s so painful whenever I think that I was fooled.

“Areumie, he lied out of desperation. If I’m in the same situation, let’s say, with you in his wife’s shoes, I’m telling you, I will do more than what he did. I will rob a bank if needed just to give you shelter and food on the table”

And I shut my mouth.

My day is totally ruined. Jiyong decided to leave me alone after a few minutes in my apartment. He’s over the drama, MY drama. If only I’m like him who shrugs the whole thing off and act like it never happened, it would be so easy to get through the day, but I’m not, so I’ll just this up until I’m over it.

“Oh?” I’m staring at my period calendar.

Strange. It seems like I’m late. 

 

 

*** Hi there! I'm truly sorry not updating for weeks. I'm telling you, I had a major writer's block, the very first in my writing years. Nevertheless, I'm back, and there's a lot in store to watch out for. Enjoy reading!  ***