Words can only get us so far when our actions do not speak the same language. Words can sometimes just be words. Hiding what you really feel is complicated and making it sound like you’re not affected is hard.

Four months in and I’m getting by being alone. Yong is growing each day. Last month, he started eating solids and I’m very delighted but sad at the same time because in a few months, he’ll be needing me less to get over hunger. He’s starting to move on his own as well, amazing me every time. And, he can understand some words and mumble too, reason why Jiyong and I are very careful with our use of words whenever he’s around. His newest trick (that he just learned days ago) is ‘wink’ (Dami Unnie taught him how to and I’m telling you, it’s addicting to see), he cannot do it, but the way he imitates us is so cute.

Kwon Omma peeked in my room, “Ready to go?”

The family decided to pick Yong and I up to go to Jiyong’s concert together. “Omo!” Kwon Appa gasped upon seeing my son. He got him from me, “Our baby looks so fashionable!”

Dami Unnie giggled. “Of course! Jiyongie bought his outfit from Paris. He really chose the most beautiful” she bragged and all I can do is sigh.

Ever since Jiyong started travelling again, he always have something for Yong when he comes home. My son, at the young age of seven months old, has a collection of high-end sneakers and branded clothes that mostly doesn’t fit him yet.

“I will not be shocked if one day our baby boy is rapping as well” Omma said, making us laugh. “He’s becoming more like Jiyong as time goes by”

Silence.

Cold air.

Awkwardness.

“What Omma mean is, Jiyong is injecting too much of him in Yong” Unnie tried extinguishing the air.

I chuckled, “That ain’t bad. Except, Jiyong can go overboard sometimes with the fancy and grand”

Appa laughed. “Oh well, that’s the way he is”

Want to know what I felt after hearing that my son is shaping up as Jiyong as time goes by? Well, I’m shocked to hear it. It seems like the boys are spending too much time together that they radiate each other already. Honestly, I keep on telling myself that this shouldn’t be happening, that they shouldn’t be too attached coz as days go by, I feel like I took the freedom of not having Jiyong shoulder my son, when the sole reason why I ended our relationship is to free him off it.

“Yongie-ah!” Jiyong ran to us the moment he saw us walking in the waiting room.

It’s the final leg of his world tour that started four months ago. This is my first time going because during the kick off, Yong is feverish, so I just decided to skip it.

“Aigoo” he got Yong from me and in a snap, my son giggled as if he’s being tickled. “Does Samchon look funny in his newly dyed hair?” I cooed and he laughed this time.

Jiyong kissed Yong on the cheek, “Do you like it?” he asked and got a sweet smile from Yong. He nudged me with his shoulder, “I’m asking you”

I jerked. “Oh! I thought you’re asking him”. He smirked and I looked at him intently. I cannot help but feel tingly inside. His blonde hair is making him more appealing (it never fails). I’ve seen him in every color possible, but it’s really my favorite of all. It’s so freakin’…..HOT.

Touching my burning cheeks, I nodded “Yeah. I like it”

He smiled and patted my head. “Good”

“Ji!” Xin called, walking in the room with some of their friends behind him.

Still carrying Yong, Jiyong greeted them. Thing is, my son is not that good with strangers, he cried the moment they tried playing with him and only stopped when Dami Unnie got him.

“How are you?” a tall, skinny, brunette hugged and kissed him on the cheek.

Sassy. The girl is a foreigner (I have a feeling she’s got no Korean blood), and gives off a feeling of a supermodel. From her stance to the way she moves, I can tell that she’s big time. I wonder who she is.

“Areum!” his friends bowed at me and I do too. These people are no stranger, of course, since I’ve hanged out with them many times before (I nearly dated one of them). “Your baby is so cute!” one of them said and I smiled like any proud Mother will. Xin chuckled, “I often tease Jiyong that your baby looks like him and he seemed to like it a lot”

“Yah!” Jiyong yelled at him and I didn’t say a word.

If only I’m not sure that Hong shik is Yong’s real father, I will think that maybe Jiyong is the one who knocked me up, but he’s really not because my calendar says so and it cannot be wrong (of course, I keep track of every ual happening and make sure I don’t miss out). DNA testing hit my mind, but I don’t think it’s needed. It sure is intriguing why some people see a resemblance between Jiyong and my son, let’s just think that they are close enough to give a feeling like they look alike.

I’m waiting for at least one of them (Jiyong, preferably), to introduce the girl to me but they didn’t. We were interrupted by the arrival of other YG artists.

Brushing my thoughts off, I excitedly waited for the show to start. Dami unnie and I are so busy entertaining Yong until he falls asleep, just in time for the show. Kwon Omma decided to look after him in the waiting room while I enjoy myself for a few hours.

“For good luck” Jiyong kissed the sleeping Yong on the forehead before heading out.

Another heartwarming moment. Ugh!

Seated at a good area, Unnie and I are more than ready to unleash the fangirls inside us. I’ve been to every Big Bang concert (solo concerts included), but the anticipation never wavers, I’m still so excited to see it every time.

“What’s up Seoul!”

The crowd roared upon hearing Jiyong. As usual, he and YG teamed up to perfection. From the stage concept to the effects and lighting, you can tell that exquisite taste made it all possible. As for G-dragon, he really doesn’t disappoint. He’s still a beast on stage. With all the running and dancing he did, I’m the one who felt super tired for him. He’s interacting with VIPs really well, reaching out farther to show his appreciation to each one of them.

“Good job!” the girl (I’m yet to know her name), greeted him first and hugged him again. From the looks of it, I can tell that there’s no awkwardness between the two because if there is, they wouldn’t be hugging casually.

“Aren’t you wondering who she is?” Dami Unnie suddenly appeared from behind me.

I chuckled, “I am”

Moving beside me, “I heard she’s a supermodel from Paris”

Ding Dong Deng! I’m right! She is a supermodel.

We were disturbed by Jiyong calling out for a family picture. Yong is already with him, wide awake and in a good mood. This photo will surely be out in social media, the world will definitely ask who the baby is.

“I told them not to upload the photo in any site. That I’ll just keep it for the family” Jiyong told me when he finally has time to be alone.

I looked at him. “It’s all good”

He shook his head. “Not when you’re not ready to let the world know about Yong”

“Jiyongie…” I faced him fully, “People know about him. Well, at least the ones around us. And, I’m not hiding him. I just don’t want Hong shik to know”

He pinched my nose. “That’s why we better keep the photo to ourselves”

This is what real friends are for, we cover up each other no matter what.

Night came and we’re already home. I chose to not go to the after party anymore because not like before, I have a child to take care of now. When you’re already a Mother, social life is your biggest sacrifice. Oh well, things have changed and all I can do is embrace it.

The next morning, I was awakened by my phone vibrating. This isn’t Jiyong for sure because he’s probably drunk from last night, he cannot be awake this early.

“Dr. Nam!”

Straightforwardly, “Have you read the latest gossip?” she asked in heartbeat.

“Not yet. What about?”

This is so not like her. Dr. Nam never called me for the latest gossip.

“Check it out!” she said then without any words, hanged up.

Great! She didn’t even ask how I was.

Curious, I searched for G-dragon (coz I have a strong feeling that it’s about him).

               

                      [G-DRAGON HAS FOUND NEW LOVE]

                Yesterday, Big Bang’s leader, G-dragon, held the final leg of his first solo world tour in over two years after military service. The Olympic Hall Stadium were filled with excited fans who has longed for so long to see him on stage once again. VIPs from all over the world, cheered and supported the K-pop legend.

                Aside from the overwhelming success of this tour, the singer-producer is now being linked to a supermodel, AGAIN, following his on and off relationship with Japanese supermodel, Kiko Mizuhara. The supermodel involved this time is said to be Scottish, based in Paris. She was seen with the superstar in a high fashion brand party two months ago, and was spotted watching his concert together with G-dragon’s friends yesterday.

              YG Entertainment has not given any statement about this yet.

 

Exactly what I thought. I had a feeling that the news is about the girl and Jiyong. Gossips about him feels new, to be honest, because he hasn’t been in the limelight for some time. Oh well, he can handle this. He’s more mature now.

Actually, I was disappointed that he didn’t even introduce the girl to me, when in the past he’s so jumpy whenever he introduces someone. Is it because there’s nothing going on between them yet or he just doesn’t feel like telling me about his new romance? Whatever his reason is, I’ll just brush it under the rug and wait until he’s ready to tell me.

Afternoon came and I’m not in the mood for anything. It’s like one of my buttons was turned off, making me a little dysfunctional. My mind is floating. I nearly drink a glass of wine. Fortunately, I come to my senses before it touched my lips.

“How are you my little…”

“I’m here!”

“!”

Jiyong barged in my room, giving me a massive shock. Good thing I’m not carrying Yong because if I am, I might’ve dropped him.

“Yah!” I yelled and I saw Yong jerk on his baby bed. I guess it’s shock time for us.

Instead of apologizing, Jiyong just laughed and pinched both my cheeks. “So cute!” he said.

I rolled my eyes. “What brought you here?”

He now have Yong in his arms, making funny faces that my son laughed at no matter how bad they are. With Jiyong, my son doesn’t see anyone, even his own Mother. He even cried when I tried getting him to feed him. In the end, Jiyong is the one who fed Yong.

“Mashed vegetables really looks so wrong” he checked if it cooled down already.

It made me laugh. “Yong doesn’t mind” I told him and he looked at my son and sighed.

“I’ll bring you to a steak house one of these days. No more bland food for you little man” he told him. He’s at it again. There are times when I get afraid for Yong to grow up because I have a strong feeling that he will be spoiled to a tee by Jiyong. I really need to make rules for them soon.

Still not in the mood, I’m extra quiet today, just watching the two boys play in the living room. They are both on the play mat, surrounded by toy cars of different colors and sizes.

“His legs are getting stronger each day” Jiyong is holding Yong up, who is laughing while bouncing up and down.

I snapped back to my senses. “Ah? Yeah!” There’s really not much in my head as of the moment. I’m just out of the zone.

After staring at me for I don’t know how long, Jiyong smirked, “Her name’s Lena Blair. Twenty-eight years old. Pure Scottish. Born in Scotland. Raised in America. Now based in Paris. I met her a long time ago but wasn’t really formally introduced until my last trip in Paris”

He read me (best friend superpower).

“What else?” he bit his lower lip while thinking and I just wait patiently. “Xin is a good friend of hers” he continued. “We had dinner twice in Paris. Talked about life, career, and some other stuff. You know, the usual”. The way he’s telling the story is so casual, but it’s bugging me off for some reason. “She’s fun to be with. We don’t have much in common but her interests, interests me in one way or another. She’s got a sense of…”

Just itching to talk, “So…are you together?”

Wait. Why does that sound not right?

Startled, Jiyong’s mouth open. I felt different. No. I kind of know what I’m feeling, I’m just brushing it off.

He swallowed hard. “No. We’re just friends” then he paused to think “We’re getting to know each other”

Taking his answer, “Really? Is that even needed? I mean, aren’t you too old for that ‘getting to know’ stuff?”

“Yah! That’s where it all starts” he countered.

Not sure, but I can feel that he’s considering the possibility of being in a relationship with her. Nice!

Completely out of my mind already, I stood up, “I’ll just….go to my room. I’m just going to clean it”

Jeong Areum, you stupid! Get your together!

In my room, I can hear the boys playing. Jiyong is singing The Wheels on the Bus, maybe he’s even dancing to it.

“Gosh!” I fall on my bed, face first. “Why is it so hard to be right next to him and pretend that I was detached when I wasn’t?”

Appalled, I pulled myself up, “The I say”. I passed out while trying to flip my emotions back to how it’s supposed to be. It’s already almost six in the evening when I woke up. Out in the living room, the boys have fallen asleep too, on the couch, with Yong comfortably lying on Jiyong.

Looking at them, they can pass as Father and Son. “Seriously, Areum?” I shake my head to erase the thought off my mind.

THREE MONTHS LATER….

Finally, after over a year on leave, I’m going back to work. It’s bittersweet because I won’t be with my son every minute, every hour, of every day anymore, but I got to do what I got to do, that is to earn for him.

In all fairness, I have a good schedule. No more late night shifts, which is a consideration the hospital’s board of members give to their employees who are Mothers. As for Yong, Jiyong and I found a trusted Day Care Center where I can leave him while working. That is, if the family won’t be borrowing him for the day. Yesterday, we had a blast at Dolce Vita after Kwon Omma and Appa called us for some family time. Sadly, Jiyong wasn’t able to make it because he’s busy once again.

Speaking of my best friend, he never talked about Lena again after that one time he told me about her. Rumors died down as well, though we know it can spark up again anytime.

“Oh! Why are you here?”

He showed up all of a sudden. When we talked over the phone yesterday, he told me that he’s going to work early today (GD and TOP are recording for an album. Shh...don’t tell).

“I’m here to pick Yong up and to drive you to work as well” he answered with a grin.

“O…k” I looked at him with narrowed eyes and he flicked my forehead, making me shriek. “Yah! That hurts!” I yelled and he cracked up.

“Aigoo” he carried Yong and showered him with kisses on the cheek right away. Looks like he won’t be needing the Day Car today.

Preparing for work is making me anxious, I don’t know what will happen later. A lot of thoughts are floating in my head. Like, will I get my groove back again?

“Call me if something comes up” I told Jiyong before getting out of his car. Did I already tell you that he bought a new car that is child friendly, one that you can put a baby seat in? Yes, he did, all for the love of Yong.

Giving me a salute. “Copy!”

I checked my son at the back seat. Unlike what I pictured, he’s not giving a fit. As a matter of fact, he’s only sitting comfortably in his seat, not minding me at all. “I love you little one!” I called out and waved goodbye to him. All I got is a smile.

Oh well, his being chill about this is actually good. I hope it’s the same when I leave him at the Day Care already.

And Dr. Jeong Areum is back! The Pediatric Department surprised me with a banner, balloons, and a bouquet of flowers. Doctors and Nurses are greeting me, telling me it’s so nice to see me again. My office is still the same, except my desk is clean. My assistant who has assisted a different Doctor while I’m on leave is so happy to work for me again. Things are well.

“Doc” she walked in while I’m checking my desk drawer.

I looked up. “Yes?”

She smiled. “Dr. Nam is here to see you”

Of course! How can she miss out my first day at work again? I heard from the people here that she’s planning to transfer hospitals in a few months. I hope she changes her mind.

“Hey!” I ran towards her and hugged her tightly.

She hugged me back. “Aigoo”

Just like the old times, we’re chatting about so many things again. I told her about Yong’s cute antics. How he’s growing up exponentially fast and about Motherhood in general.

“How are you and GD now?”

The topic of GD will never be forgotten by her. It’s part of our every conversation.

I laid back in my swivel chair and sighed, “We’re good”

She looked at me intently. “Have you met the girl? By met, I mean, did you had a meal or hangout together already?”

We haven’t even been introduced yet. I shook my head, “Is there a need to that?”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course! You’re one of the most vital person in GD’s life. You need to meet her!”

“I don’t know”. Here I am again, feeling weird inside. “Actually, it’s better if we don’t get together yet”

As if Dr. Nam exactly know what I’m feeling, she snapped her finger, “You’re jealous!”

Reacting quite intensely, “No, I’m not!”

“Yes you are! Admit it!”

Giving in, “Well, I’m in a bit of pain. But, no worries for it’s so easy to numb. I can do it in a heartbeat”

She’s not buying it. “The pain you are feeling is never easy to numb, simply because he meant so much to you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think more than being jealous, you fear the day that he will move forward from loving you”

This is an amazing read. She’s on point, but I will not voice it out. Yes, I’m afraid of Jiyong loving me less, but as they say, a person can only love until he/she can’t anymore. It’s like a ticking time bomb that explodes at the given time. Opening his heart to another girl is like the last minute of the love bomb he has for me.

“Look, something inside of you is broken and it’s up to you to fix it. You’ve got all the time in the world to do that, before, but now that there’s someone new, your days are numbered. You’re running out of time!”

All I can do is sigh. I don’t really want to talk about it. “What you have will one day end. You will see him with her and pray with all your heart that he looks at you again the way he looks at her. You will eventually realize that he’s not yours anymore, that you could’ve done something about it but you just let it slip through your fingers anyway. Plain stupid is what you are”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

In the middle of our talk, my assistant peeked in, “Dr. Miller is here. He wants to say Hi”

The new Doctor. Well, he’s not so new anymore for he’s been here a week after I took a leave. He shouldered my workload. I haven’t met him, but everybody seemed to like him.

“Jiyong looks happy now and that’s enough for me” I told Dr. Nam as a way to end our conversation, before the other Doctor walks in.

We both welcomed Dr. Miller in my office. I must say, he’s one hot dude. Remove his white coat and he can be mistaken as a celebrity. His clean and good boy look is unexplainably attractive. Not to mention, he’s really handsome with a cleft chin and deep dimples on both cheeks.

“Hi!” I extended my hand to him and he shook it without removing his eyes off me.

I looked at Dr. Nam in awe. She giggled and mouthed, “I know”, making me chuckle.

“You’re both single” she randomly said.

In disbelief, “What?”

Dr. Miller chuckled and when I looked at him, he smiled beautifully.

Oh gosh!

                                                                                                ****