This morning is the heaviest of all. I don’t even want to wake up. Reality slapped me right away when I opened my eyes. Aden is gone, and I wasn’t able to say goodbye properly. It’s so hard to accept.

“Hey”. I looked behind me and Jiyong is there, smiling sympathetically. I turned to face him. Tears trickling down my cheeks. We slept beside each other through the night with the kids. He comforted us until we fell asleep. “Good Morning” I greeted plainly. His face tells me that he’s hurting seeing me grieving. This isn’t the first time he’s been with me through a loss and I’m glad that he’s the one I’m with again this time.

“I’ll go to Aden’s funeral with you and the kids” he wiped my tears with the sleeves of his sweater and my cheeks. I gave out a small smile. “But, your concert is today. Aren’t you supposed to prepare for it early?” Honestly, I don’t want to keep him here long because we might be disturbing his concert preparations.  “I can handle the kids anyway. You just do what you got to do” I told him in assurance.

Jiyong smiled and pulled me to him. Being in his arms during these times feel very comforting. “Manager Hyung is on his way here to bring me clothes to use for the funeral. I don’t want to waste his effort” he said, making me chuckle. “Also, I’ve told everyone that I’m going to be with you there. Hyun Suk Hyung even sent me a text message of condolence to you and Aden’s family”

What more can I say? They really support each other. Having Jiyong with us is good after all, for the kids might be a handful, and with my emotions seriously wrecked, I might not be able to contain them.

Just like me, the kids woke up crying. There’s no cheerful morning greetings and laughter today. Both of them are so emotional to the point that they dosn’t even have an appetite to eat breakfast. They are just in the living room, watching cartoons, cheeks stained with tears. As a Mother, seeing them this way frustrates and saddens me more. As much as I want to make them feel better, I don’t know how. There’s just a little I can do.

“Eat or both of you will not go to the funeral with me”. Threatening them is a desperate move. Alarmed, they get up from the couch and lamely walked to the dining table where Jiyong is preparing their food. He sliced the pancakes into bite size pieces and cut the bacon too. He even made strawberry milkshake from scratch, hoping that it will brighten the kids’ moods, like what comfort food does to adults. We fed the kids who are just forcing themselves to chew and swallow. We don’t have a choice but to force them to eat, it’s better than them going hungry.

“I feel really sad, Daddy” Ethan told Jiyong while they’re playing on the living room carpet. Emma and I are watching them from the couch. “I feel sad too, Mom” my baby girl followed, laying her head on my arm and started crying again. Jiyong joined us on the couch, carrying Ethan to his lap. “You know guys, Mom lost her parents, your Grandpa and Grandma, at the same time, at a young age”. Our kids know that I don’t have parents anymore, but I didn’t elaborate on it. “I remember during that time, she was sad, very sad, but isn’t crying as much. She broke down twice but after that, it’s like her life is back to normal again. It was hard for her” Jiyong is talking to our kids in a very Fatherly way, it’s heartwarming. “Actually, losing a loved one is hard to anybody. But, we need to accept it with an open heart that they were taken away from us because it’s already time for them to go. Also, your Uncle A is now happy in heaven. I’m sure of that. He doesn’t feel sick anymore”. And then, he pulled Emma and I closer to them, wrapping his arm around my waist. “He left us with a light heart, so we shouldn’t feel heavy of his passing. Like what he said on the letters he wrote you guys, he’s watching over you from up there” he pointed up with a bright smile on his face, “What do you think will he feel seeing you cry?” he asked the two, and they looked at each other.

Emma wiped her tears right away. “Uncle A will be sad seeing us cry” she told her Brother. “Let’s not cry anymore Ethan” she smiled and my son wiped his tears and smiled back.

In all fairness to Jiyong, he knows the right cards to pull. There’s no doubt that he’s a good Father.

The time has come for us to go to the funeral. We are all in black, a color Aden said is his favorite color ever since he was told that his days are already numbered. I really cannot believe that this is happening. I’m going to send him off.

At the funeral, Aden’s family, friends and colleagues are all present. Too bad, Dr. Nam cannot make it. She was as devastated as I am up hearing the news.

“Tina” I hugged his Mother who looked like she doesn’t have sleep at all. She smiled bitterly. “I’m so thankful you’re here, Elle”. I rubbed her arm to comfort. “I’ll never miss this” I told her and she hugged me tightly, crying.

As much as Aden hates to have a funeral program, dramatic eulogy and stuff, his family insisted on it. I’m lined up to give a talk and my head is so blank as of the moment. Charlotte is also to speak, and I’m sure, Aden is smiling up from heaven because the love of his life is here.

“I don’t know what to say” I told Jiyong who is handling our kids very well. None of them are crying. They even comforted Tina a while ago, making her laugh by their cute child jokes. He rubbed my back gently, “Words will come out once you’re already there”

When it’s my turn to speak, it took a moment to compose myself. I don’t want to break into pieces in front of many people.

“Aden and I started as co-workers at a hospital in Korea. The first time we met, I remember telling myself just in my head, ‘Wow! What a handsome guy!’ Then I was able to get to know him. Believe it or not, he was able to make me open up to him during our first long chat. He’s full of wisdom. The way he talks and the words that come out of his mouth are very realistic. He’s not the type who sugarcoats just for the sake of making you feel good. He tells you what’s true without hitting a nerve.

As our friendship grows, we learned that we’re getting into a relationship that will last a lifetime. Aden is never selfish. He always think of others before himself. His happiness is other people’s happiness. Personally, he helped me find myself. He fixed me the way I couldn’t fix myself. He opened my eyes to things I choose not to see, and most especially made me realize that family is so important. That love truly conquers all. Now that he’s gone, honestly, I don’t know how to live without his wisdom. Questions like, who will I run to when I need a fix? Who will tell me I’m wrong without hesitation? Who will constantly remind me to focus and live for the moment? Are running in my head.

Today, I’m saying goodbye to the person who made me stronger than I was before. I thank him for all that he has done to me and my family. Without his effort, my children wouldn’t have their Father with them still.

Aden, I know you’re happy where you are now. Don’t worry about me. I’ll live my life with your wisdom and all that you’ve taught me. I owe you a lot. I don’t want to promise, but I’ll keep my family together, no matter what. I will never waste your efforts. Jiyong, Ethan, Emma and I loves you so much and we’ll forever be thankful to you”

With open arms, Jiyong let me hug him tightly after my speech. “You’re going to be fine” he keeps on saying.

“Goodbye Uncle A!” Emma and Ethan said as they put their roses on Aden’s grave. “We love you!”

“You’re free now. Be happy!” I followed, crying really hard.

Jiyong is emotional as well, he’s just not showing it. “Thank you for everything, Bro! Don’t worry about Areum and the kids. I’ll take good care of them until my last breath”. We looked at each other and he put his arm around my waist.

Death will make people sad, but it also bring people closer. As for Jiyong and I, though there are no words uttered, our issues are now just issues. We are moving on from the past.

“They want to watch the show” he told me after I settle on the driver’s seat. I looked behind and saw a smile on our kids’ faces. They have to have fun, especially at this moment. “Alright” I told him.

“Aren’t you coming?” he asked, hopeful.

Tired and not in the mood, “I say pass. As much as I want to watch, I feel like I’m not going to enjoy it given my extreme emotions”

With an understanding nod, Jiyong hold my hand, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. “No problem. I’ll make sure the kids are safe, and they enjoy”

Hours of being alone is quite new to me. When Jiyong and the kids left for the concert, I tried to sleep and was able to get some. When I wake up, I feel like baking, so I worked on corn muffins and an apple pie. The kids will surely be happy with it. As I was watching television, I suddenly remembered Aden telling me to go back to Seoul. It got me thinking, maybe it’s time. Maybe going back will help me and the kids move on from his passing easily. After all, Jiyong’s family needs to meet Ethan and Emma, and it would really be great if they bond. Thing is, there are a lot of issues that will arise.

First, the public has to know about G-dragon having children that will definitely be one heck of a story.

Second, Lena. I’m sure she won’t be happy with us there.

Third, Jiyong will have to deal with a lot. Like, questions about his children’s Mother, that I’m sure once they know, will raise eyebrows. He will be asked about the kids and definitely be on alert in protecting them. Last but not the least, of course, his marriage.

The fact that Big Bang is just starting now after a long hiatus is something to consider. Issues about their leader might affect them.

“Mom!”

“Mom!”

“Areumie, we’re here!”

These three. They are loud.

“I’m in the kitchen!” I called out.

To my surprise, they brought me flowers. Also, the kids are wearing Big Bang merchandise shirts that are too big for them and they are also wearing crown headbands. They are now official VIPs.

“For you Mom” Ethan gave me the huge bouquet of flowers and I bend down to kiss him.

“Also this!” Emma excitedly gave me a paper bag. “Wow!” my eyes widened upon seeing my favorite candies and chocolate bars in it. “Thank you guys!” I cheerfully said and kissed them again.

And then, Ethan pointed at Jiyong. “Daddy deserves a kiss too, Mom. He’s the one who brought all that”

Seriously? Do I need to? Can’t I just say Thank You?

“GO!” Emma is giddy. Not just that, she pushed me closer to Jiyong.

And when I’m only a meter away, “Kiss!” she exclaimed as if demanding, making us laugh.

Jiyong looked at them. “You shouldn’t see it, you know” he said. “Why?” Ethan asked. “Because it’s not for kids” he countered. We’re trying to get out of this situation, but from the look of it, there’s no way out. “But, we see Mr. and Mrs. Thompson give each other a smooch whenever Mr. Thompson says bye-bye to work or even when they’re not doing anything. Some teens in the park do so as well. Also, on TV” Emma is at it again.

“We’re screwed” Jiyong whispered to me, and all I can do is sigh heavily.

“AISH!” I don’t know why I’m going with this, but for the kids’ sake and to show my gratitude to Jiyong, I kissed him ON THE CHEEK. Shocking? Well, I’m totally shocked by myself as well.

“Hooh!” Like a teenager, he fans himself with his hand after it, while I act as if nothing happened. We are pressured by our children and I cannot believe that they have the power to make us do things that are out of mind.

Both embarrassed and flushed, we looked at the two who doesn’t seem satisfied. “Do you want to eat?” I asked. They shook their heads. “It should be on the lips, right?” Emma asked Ethan, as if I wasn’t there. My son nodded. “Yes!”

“Huh?” I looked at Jiyong and he just shrugged.

“One more Mom, one more, please, on the lips” the two begged like how they beg for another sibling.

This is getting out hand.

“Come here” Jiyong grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me closer to him. “Yah! Kwon Jiyong! What are you going to do?” I am panicking. He gripped my shoulders and faced me to him fully. “Our kids won’t stop bugging us if we don’t do it” he said, casually.

“Are you serious?” I can feel my pulse everywhere, even in my head. He nodded “Yeah”, and tilted his head, ready to go into action. “Ready?”

Disoriented, “Huh?”

“I’m really going for it”

HE’S KILLING ME!

“One….two….three….”

                                                                                                                                                   ****