Love can wait.

I don’t know what’s taking me long to answer Dr. Nam’s question when there’s really nothing to think about. “Well…” I swallowed hard, “We…are….not…” almost in a whisper “Together”. From the way she looks, I can tell that it’s not the answer she’s expecting to hear.

She chuckled, “You think I believe you when you…yourself…is not convinced with your answer?”

Well, I am still figuring out what Jiyong and I are now, after that night a week ago when I surprisingly let my guard down  and realized how much I miss being with him, not as a best friend, but a lover. I’m in-love with him before and I am deeply and madly in-love with him now.

“To be honest…I don’t know what we really are anymore” I shake my head and sighed. “I told myself that I’m going to wait until he’s single before I can be in a relationship with him again…and I swear! I was doing a great job in bottling my feelings for him in…until a week ago” my heart is finally speaking out. It’s the voice I’m ignoring to hear for quite some time now.

“As he was sleeping…I found myself staring at him” I’m reminded of that moment once again, instantly putting a smile on my face, “And I remembered how good we are together and a sudden wave of longing and desire washed over me…” I am stripping the truth out of my system, something I wouldn’t usually do “I suddenly want ALL of him…I want him to be MINE again which…” I paused for a while as I wasn’t sure if I want to share this bit of information.

There was silence while I’m debating with myself.

Dr. Nam smirked, “Which?” she asked, impatiently.

“Something happened…” I cannot keep it to myself anymore “I had with him” I blurted out, almost in a whisper as if I’m embarrassed of what happened.

Yes people! I finally got laid after years of not having some. What more is that I did it with the only person I want to do it with. I feel like a first timer who is beyond satisfied of what happened and more.

It was unexpected. Strong desire mixed with longing is absolute trouble. Both of us knew we shouldn’t entertain the call of our bodies, but we did anyway. We are so into each other that we didn’t even mind doing it in his car. A simple kiss turned passionate, leading to a love-making or shall I say, a sin. It was so sincere and risky at the same time. Nevertheless, it’s was so perfect. Too perfect, that even when I want to give myself a hard knock on the head for letting it happen, I’m so glad I let it happen.

“Once again…” Dr. Nam leaned back to her chair looking defeated, “You slip out of your senses” she shakes her head “Areum…I thought you go this…but obviously you don’t” I can feel annoyance in her voice, which I fully understand because I am quite annoyed with my poor decision as well. “I thought it’s clear to you that once you give in to your damn feelings…everything you stand up for will go down the drain” she sighed “I thought you got this figured out…turns out…you’ll get your whipped after a while” she throw her hands up “I don’t know anymore” she stared at me and I amazingly have the guts to stare back even when I’m totally embarrassed. “After giving yourself to him…” she cleared “YET AGAIN…” she added, making me want to bury myself six feet underground for being so stupid, “You think I will believe that you’re not together? I’m not born yesterday Areum…you cannot fool me”

I’m not surprised by Dr. Nam’s reaction simply because I know what I did was totally ed up. This may seem like I’m just making it up, but I really battled with myself during that time. If you think all I felt was pleasure, you’re wrong. My mind is screaming STOP! While my heart screams DO IT! It’s hard to fully enjoy when you’re bugged by two of the major things inside of you.

Slapped by my stupidity, I take a deep breath and exhaled heavily, releasing a little amount of embarrassment that I’ll surely breathe in again in a while. “Believe me…we are not together” I said in defense.

“And you think you can hold on to that for long?” Dr. Nam is really playing me good. She’s making my head ache.

Good question. Thing is, I don’t know the answer to it.

“Honestly….I’m torn” I cannot believe I’m saying this. “A part of me is staying firm that I have to wait until he’s out of his marriage….while the other part of me wants him so bad now…that I don’t care about the consequences anymore” The tears that I’m trying hard to hold back made its way out, rolling down my cheeks.

“For days now…I cannot sleep well because I keep on thinking of what part of me to follow…I’m still in-between…you know me…I hate it when I cannot decide for I feel as if I’m not getting a good grip of myself”

If only it’s that easy to decide, I would’ve not stayed in-between, for there are really no in-betweens. It’s always been this or that only.

After what seems like forever, “Stick this in your mind Jeong Areum…” Dr. Nam speak out, leaning forward, her eyes fixed on mine “Indecision is a decision…deep in your heart” she pointed at her left chest where the heart is “You know what to choose…thing is…you’re setting it aside maybe because you know it won’t be easy once you acknowledge it…or...” her face tightened, building up my curiosity “Maybe you’re not that sure if you want to be in relationship with Jiyong again”. The moment I heard this, I got goosebumps “Maybe you’re just using his current situation as a reason to gauge your feelings because Areum…if you really want his so bad…you should’ve risked it all since day one…like what he’s been doing”

Wait. How the heck did this get twisted so much? And, why am I shaken after all that I’ve heard? Could it be Dr. Nam is right? Am I planting myself in-between for a different reason?

Our supposed to be fun catch-up ended with me bugged and bothered. I keep on recalling what Dr. Nam said last as it really messed my mind. Before meeting up with her, I am oh-so sure of myself, of what I’m feeling. Now, I feel like I’ve been reset.

Going home after a draining day is a sweet treat for me. All day, my kids keep on going in and out of my mind. From the looks of it, I can say that I’m the one who’s having separation anxiety and not them.

“OH!” I walked in, in an empty apartment, which is strange because I’m expecting them to be here by now. According to Omma, they left the pension an hour ago. Jiyong will surely tell me if they went somewhere.

The Mother in me kicked in instantly. I’m worried and a little panicky. I know my kids are with their Father and I should stop overthinking, but I really can’t help it. What if they met an accident on the way or something.

“Gosh!” I can’t get through Jiyong’s phone. It keeps on directing me to voicemail. I tried calling Dami Unnie, thinking maybe she knows where they are, but she’s not answering her phone.

Can’t this day more?

To keep my mind off negative thoughts, I busy myself with chores, beginning with the laundry. With the whites in the washing machine, I changed our bed sheets while the automatic vacuum roams around the apartment floor. I put on Beyonce in the midst of doing the second batch of laundry and let myself be carried away by music that soon got me dancing.

I am “busting a move” (Yes. I just used an old term), and I’ve totally forgotten about Jiyong and our kids, even dinner.

“Areumie!” I flinched upon hearing someone calling me.

“Jiyongie?” I called out, hoping it’s really him because if not, I’ll most certainly hide somewhere, for it means that a stranger made it in my apartment (I know, crazy thought).

“Yes!” he called back.

I sighed in relief, “In the laundry room!” I shouted.

Odd, but it’s not noisy. It’s as if the kids are not with him. Usually, Ethan and Emma will look for me right away and will race each other to wherever I’m at.

“Hey!”

Oh! He’s alone. “Where are the kids?” I asked in confusion.

Smiling brightly, he walked towards me, cupped my face with both hands and gave me a peck on the lips.

Yes, a peck, as fast and simple as it is, it is still a kiss and yes, kissing is pretty intimate for two people without a label, and sometimes you will want more. Thing is, after my talk with Dr. Nam, I want to lessen the “intimacy” to a hundred percent so that I can get back on track before the happened. I have decided to go with my original plan, that is, to keep the friendship and set aside the romantic love for the meantime.

Carefully, I removed his hands away from my face and stepped back a little. Knowing Jiyong, he will soon notice my indifference. That’s why, I started composing a good explanation in my head already.

“The kids?” I asked again. I am starting to come off awkward and for him not to feel it, I busy myself with the clothes by unfolding what I just finished folding before he arrived.

I have a feeling that he and the kids are trying to prank me, that Ethan and Emma are just hiding somewhere (probably behind my bedroom door) and will shock the heck out of me later once I go there. Those two doesn’t pull the best pranks, but their Father does.

“They are with Noona” he answered with a grin.

Yep! This is a prank.

All for it, “Really?” as they say, if you can’t beat them, join them. My heart is too full of thoughts as of the moment to whip up a prank as a counterattack, so I’ll just ride with theirs and give them a good time.

Jiyong helped me fold the remaining clothes and volunteered to put the kids’ clothes in their closets while I head to my room, antsy of how our kids will scare me.

“Huh?” I’m passed the door and there’s not even a sound. I was expecting to hear giggles of excitement but there’s none. Feeling playful, I walked to front of the door “Why do I have a feeling that I have visitors in my room?” I really just want them to come out and give me a hug.

Still no noise, “I feel really strange” I am going to flip the scene by being the one to scare them. Silently and carefully, I reached for the doorknob. I don’t know why, but this excites me so much my heart is racing. I pulled the door to me, “Boo!”

“What are you doing?” I heard Jiyong ask from behind me.

I turned to face him, “They’re not here” I told him, pointing behind the door. Jiyong usually has this face when he’s being playful but it’s not there as of the moment.

“Yah!” I slapped his arm a little too hard, making him wince “Where are my kids?” I am losing my patience. I am so done with this. I’ve been through so much today, all I want is to spend time with Ethan and Emma.

He raised an eyebrow while looking at me weirdly “Areumie…I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Pissed and not in my element at all, I searched the whole apartment for our kids with Jiyong just watching me go nuts. He’s just standing in the middle of the living room with his arms across his chest, surely waiting for our kids to give me a good fright.

“Seriously?” he followed me out of the apartment.

With my blood boiling at its maximum, I walked towards him, “Where the heck are our kids?” a different tone came out of me. It sounds really scary.

“Aigoo…” he ruffled my hair and gave out a hearty laugh, “You think I’m joking when I said they’re with Noona?” he asked as I try to read if he’s really telling the damn truth.

What’s with him? Why didn’t he tell me that he’s leaving them with Unnie?

“Jiyongie…” I sighed in relief that the kids are in good hands and not hiding somewhere I don’t know. “It’s a school day tomorrow…they should be getting ready for bed by now” I checked my watch. It’s almost eight already. “Also…Unnie is busy…right? Isn’t she preparing for her new collection launch?” at this point, all I want is to get our kids so that Unnie can do her thing without disturbances.

“Let’s go inside first” Jiyong walked behind me, gripped my shoulders and pushed me to the apartment. He made me sit on the couch as he sits on the center table in front of me.

“The kids will stay there for the night” he said, earning an alarmed look from me. I was about to protest when he pretended to zip his mouth, telling me to shut my mouth and just listen to him. “Noona is taking this night off from work as she’s too stressed out and badly wanted to breathe…she asked me for the kids because she hasn’t seen them since last week” he chuckled “You know how crazy she is for the two…I told her she should just rest and I’ll bring the kids to her tomorrow for a visit…but she insisted…according to her having them around is a great distraction from all work thoughts”

Makes sense. Those two rascals bring good vibes. They can also pull you out of stress in no time. I’m more than happy to let Unnie borrow them for the night even when I need them here with me, to brighten my dim day.

“But…how are they going to school tomorrow when their things are here” I pointed at one corner of the living room where their study table is and saw none of their school bags on top of it.

Jiyong put his hands on my shoulders and gave them a light squeeze “I brought it there already along with their uniforms and other more stuff…including Emma’s Mr. Elephant” he is so cute when he mentioned Mr. Elephant, our daughter’s toy and apple of the eye as of the moment. “I’m supposed to be here before you arrive but last minute I decided to go grocery shopping” he walked to the dining table where two brown bags are. He then started pulling things out from it. “I thought that since the kids are not here…we should take this time to have some “Q.T”

Oh dear. It seems like my “friendship now, romance later when he’s single” plan will be a challenge, especially when he has so many ways to have some solo time with me.

“Q.T?” I believe I know most abbreviations but this one is quite new.

He laughed that girly kind of laugh of his. You know, when he covers his mouth with the back of his hand while laughing, “It means quality time” he said and all I can do is smirk.

Does this “Q.T” comes with intimacy or it’s just going to be plain and simple, like what friends usually have?

“Kwon Jiyong…” I helped him with the groceries (I cannot really tell what he’s planning to cook) “Didn’t we just had some “QT” a week ago?”

If it’s up to me, I will not push through with this. But because he prepared for it already and there’s really nothing for me to do, not to mention, I’m hungry, I’ll let this “Q.T” to happen. I’ll just keep myself on check every time.

“We’ll also celebrate your first day back in Med school” he added and it made me roll my eyes.

I’m once again reminded of my not-so good day. As a matter of fact, I’m so ready to put this day behind me and pray hard for it not to be repeated ever again.

Brushing all the negatives aside, I decided to just enjoy this night by eating good (?) food and have a good time. Jiyong thought and prepared for this, best thing I can do is appreciate everything.

“I’ll help you with whatever” I told him, earning a pinch on the cheek from him.

This is insane. I have different kinds of cheese in front of me that I rarely buy and eat. Our kids love cheese. They eat a small roll of mozzarella for snack sometimes. But, he bought too much. I don’t think Ethan and Emma will love most of them.

While I’m in a daze, Jiyong then started slicing the cheese from Cheddar to Manchego, to Queso Iberico, to Cabra Al Vino and Havarti. Just by looking at them and smelling them, I feel sick already. But hey, these are good kinds of cheese and a little pricey too.

And it doesn’t stop there. After the cheese, comes the cured meat. We got Salami, Italian style turkey, Prosciutto, and Capicola. One of which I don’t really like eating by itself but with crackers and cheese, it tastes divine. Speaking of crackers, he got them as well. There are whole grain, Pepper-flavored ones, Oat biscuits and flaky-buttered. There are nuts too! Pistachios, Almonds and Hazelnuts.

“Slice them for me please” he sweetly smiled at me and gave me four knives to be used in each of the meat.

I smiled back, “O…K” I said with my heart beating so fast.

This is what I hate about my heart. It always makes itself be felt, giving me no choice but to react on it.

I carefully sliced each meat while holding my breath. I don’t want to mess this up.

Now I get what we’re making.

“Seems like you’re into Charcuterie these days, huh?” I elbowed him while he’s cleanly slicing Ciabatta bread.

Charcuterie contains of a variety of nibbles assembled artistically on a board.

He giggled, “I love how easy it is to make” he said.

I leaned in closer to him, my lips near his ear “Easy but expensive” I whispered.

Well, it looks like I just pushed things too far by that one move because next thing I know it, his hand isn’t holding a knife and bread anymore, but my face, and his lips are getting the best of mine.

This is crazy.

I casually pulled out, “Hungry” I told him and he let go of me with a wide smile on his face.

We finished the board with me trying really hard not to be awkward. As much as I want us this sweet, this close, my head is full on with my original plan.

Instead of eating at the dining table, we agreed to dine out at the balcony where we can get a good view of the neighborhood and a little of the Han River.

“I can’t drink” I pushed the flute as far as possible away from me “I don’t want to have a hangover in school tomorrow” I explained, making him laugh.

I hate being old. During my twenties, I don’t mind drinking on a school night because I rarely have hangovers. Heck! I can even go to class still a little intoxicated and perfect an exam. Now, in my thirties, I suffer from hangover even with just a glass or two of wine. And you know ed up one can get when hangover.

“Ya…are you really just going to drink that alcohol-free Sangria?” he asked and is looking at me as if saying, For real, oldie?

I took a sip of my drink and pointed at finger at him, “FYI…I made this…it’s really refreshing” I take another sip and smiled, showing him how I’m enjoying it.

Twenty minutes in and we’re silent. We were just laughing five minutes ago because of an Instagram post.

“I’m still figuring out where you bought these meats and cheeses and bread…and how much they cost” It’s nearly an hour since we started making the board and I’m still obsessing over everything on it.

He laughed, “Let’s just say that I paid a good amount for those”

This man really needs to stop splurging.

“Next time you plan a “Q.T”, please make it cheaper…my taste buds are tingling because it’s not used to très cher food” I played around, making him laugh hard.

When I thought I already broke the silence, we came back to it after a while. I don’t know, but there’s so much to talk about. We’re just keeping our mouth shut.

“Did you ask the kids how their day in school went?” This is a good start of conversation. When it comes to our kids, there are endless things to talk about.

All of a sudden, his face changed and I don’t know if I have to be concerned about something. “Their day went well” he said and I was able to breathe well “Emma got three stars for coloring inside the lines” this is really funny. “As for Ethan…he’s having a hard time in Korean Language…he’s a little frustrated about it but I assured him that he’ll get it soon and it made him feel better” the smile on Jiyong’s face tells me how proud he is of himself. Finally, he’s getting a grip on Fatherhood and I can’t be happy enough for him.

“Anything more?” I asked as I feel there’s something he hasn’t told me yet.

He shifted his position, facing me fully. “There’s one more thing” here he is again, hanging me when he can just spit it out.

“Ethan told me that his classmates are asking him why he’s not using my surname…he feels different from them after that…also…they still don’t believe he has a Father because they haven’t seen me yet”

Oh gosh. Why do kids have to be this rude sometimes? Like seriously, can’t their parents teach them to place themselves where they’re supposed to be and not meddle around others business?

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow” I said while in deep thoughts on how I can uplift my child’s spirit.

“Actually…” Jiyong straightened up and cleared his throat “I want to ask you…” as his eyes scan my face, I cannot help but blush “Can I adopt them already? I know a lot of is still going on but I feel like Ethan and Emma deserves to have my name more than anything” he explains further.

Biologically, the kids are his, but legally, they’re not. For, in their birth certificates, I’m the only one who has a signature. For Jiyong to be able to give him his name, he has to adopt him which is going to be an easy process since no other man is claiming the kids as theirs.

It’s a no-brainer. “Of course…I’ll let you adopt them…I mean…it’s high time you do that” I answered, receiving a hearty smile and a hug from him.

I know this is a big leap for him, especially once the kids are legally under his name already, his being a Father will sink in deep.  It can be overwhelming, but I’m confident he’ll do a good job.

“Another thing” Oh, when will this stop?

“What more?” I asked in a bubbly tone as if telling him, keep ‘em coming!

“The kids asked me a while ago if you really have to go back to school and why can’t you just stay at home with them”

“What did you say?” I asked, nervous for some reason.

He sighed, “I told them that you need it to become a Doctor again…they asked if you really need to be one when you’re a Mom already”. This made me laugh. “I told them that you can still be their Mom even when you’re a Doctor…and that being a Doctor is all you ever wanted to be…you want to help the sick and we should support you all the way because that’s what family do…we support each other no matter what” Jiyong is making my heart melt with his words.

“They hate the fact that your time with them will lessen…but I assured them that you’ll not always be busy…that we only have to wait for a year until your tight schedule loosen…Emma said a year is too long…I said…it’s not” he chuckled and I do too.

My only fear in getting my career back is being disconnected to my kids in the long run. I don’t want to be the kind of Mom who is so successful but doesn’t have a good relationship with her children anymore. Back when it was just me, I don’t care about being in a twenty-hour shift. Now, it sure is going to be difficult. But then again, I have to do this, not only for myself, but for them as well. I need to bring food on the table and help Jiyong with other finances.

Jiyong reached for my hand across the table and intertwined his fingers to mine, “Just do what you want to do…our kids will be fine…don’t worry about them” he must’ve felt how troubled I am.

I looked into his hazel eyes and smiled, “Thank you” I said, making him smile.

In a blink of an eye, I am already on his lap and we’re making out. This is what I’m talking about. “Q.T” is really not going to work well for us. After what happened to us, he cannot get his hands off me anymore and I can’t get mine off of him too. This is driving me bananas!

“Jiyong” I stopped his snaking hands under my blouse and pulled myself up to stand “This can’t be” I burst out, confusing him.

“Huh?”

I take a deep breath “This is cheating” I told him.

“What?”

“Jiyongie! We are cheating with the …the sweetness…kisses…all of this sweet stuff!” I am on the verge of crying because I really just want to continue what we’re doing a while ago, but I have to be true to my word. Intimacy has to stop.

“You are still married” I put my hands across my chest and looked at him intently “Yes…you and Lena are good for nothing…but still…you’re married…this isn’t right…you know my stand on this and you agreed on it before the happened…but it seems like we both have forgotten it now…which is insane because we should’ve stopped ourselves before major things happened” I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I’ll just lay it all out to him and hope he gets it.

“You know what…” he stands up. We’re now face to face. “I cannot get you at all…yes…I know you don’t want to be intimate until I’m single again…but don’t you think it’s crazy for us to even wait for that? I mean…we love each other so much to bottle everything in…I’m dying to be with you and here you are pushing me away when I thought I finally have you again” Jiyong is slowly firing up.

“AGAIN…” I inched forward towards him “THIS IS CHEATING” I said, earning a sigh from him “This is like lying to people as well…especially when you’re out and about telling everybody that there’s nothing romantic is going on bet ween us and that we’re friends and co-parents”

“Do you think it’s easy for me to brush off my feelings for you…to control it?” I don’t know why I’m mad but I am. “It’s not! God knows how much I want you! But…I respect your marriage and your wife because that’s the right thing to do…if only you are not married…I will dive head first in a relationship with you…you know that so well” I felt a tear roll down my cheeks and I wiped it fast “And…I don’t want to be called a mistress…I don’t want our kids to read years after that their Mother is their Father’s number two”

Silence.

I think I’ve already said what I have to say, whether or not he gets me I don’t care anymore. I just want to do what’s right.

“Fine” he raised both his hands as if in surrender “We’ll be nothing but parents” he looks at me from head down and up again, “Friends? I don’t know anymore” and he walked out.

                                               ****