Pure love can also be seen in the eyes. You just know when someone looks straight at you and didn’t lose the spark after blinking, that even your soul can feel it.

Jiyong’s apartment was in chaos. I’m in labor and my pain is going notches up, like every minute.

“!” he rushed towards me “What to do?”

I knew it! He would go blank when it’s already time. We should’ve practiced this whole thing, like a simulation. Well, we agreed to prepare everything that’s needed on my delivery and run through each other’s role in it, but it’s next week. None of us seen the baby coming early. Actually, most first time pregnancies gives birth late.

Calmly (I have to be, even when I feel like splitting in half deep inside), “Call Dr. Lim and Ms. Oh, tell them that my water broke about five minutes ago”. From the way Jiyong looks, I can tell right on that he’s not in his element. “Ugh!” I groaned, reached for my phone on the center table and do the calling myself.

“We need to clear the living room” Dami Unnie said. She’s surprisingly calm from all the craziness. “Yah!” she yelled at her brother whose feet seemed to be glued on the floor. “Help me! Carry this table out of here!”

Still on the couch and patiently waiting for my Doctor and Midwife to arrive, I keep on reminding myself to stay calm and stay focused. My contractions are getting intense, but I need to fight it if I want a natural delivery. If I give in to it, I’m sure to ask for epidural and that’s not what I want. This baby is coming out of this world without medications.

After a while, Dr. Lim and Ms. Oh finally arrived. We’ve discussed the procedure during my seventh month and it’s well planned, and polished. There’s nothing much to worry about. The midwife will be the one doing most of the work with the Doctor in standby just in case something comes up. I’m giving birth in the water, just the way I like it.

“It’s already in the perfect temperature” Ms. Oh said, after checking the birthing pool. Good thing we bought a pool early. If not, we won’t have anything to use.

Dr. Lim came to me. “I’ll check how much you’re dilated first, before we get you in there” she said calmly, and I shamelessly removed my underwear, and spread my legs on the wide couch.

Jiyong will really need to buy a new couch, or maybe I can buy it for him as a gift. There’s no way we can use the current one. NO WAY.

“Oh!” he passed by us and saw the action, I just glanced at him and sighed in embarrassment.

“You’re only four centimeters dilated. We still have a long way to go” Dr. Lim said with a sympathizing smile as I clutch a pillow upon feeling a contraction.

Dami Unnie nudged Jiyong while I’m in the pool. “Aren’t you her birth coach?” I heard her ask.

Jiyong looked at me and I just looked back at him, as if saying, ‘You are, remember?’

“Y…y…y…e…s”

Unnie sighed, her arms across her chest. “Then why are you just standing there instead of doing what should be done? Areum is in extreme pain, what do you do?”

This is one epic moment. I’ve never seen Jiyong so disoriented until today. I know, this is too much, but his behavior is so far from what I expected. It seems like everything he learned from the birthing class we attended months ago all went down the drain.

“Don’t worry about it, I know what to do” Ms. Oh patted him on the shoulder as she pass by them.

It brought him back to his senses. “Let me do it”

All of a sudden, he snapped out of shock and panic, removed his shirt and joined me in the pool (exactly what he learned from the class). What he’s going to do is lead me on my breathing exercise.

Facing each other, holding hands, we started.

“Inhale as much air you can get” he instructed, eyes looking straight into mine.

After that, he moved behind me and gently massaged my lower back. This is said to fasten the delivery. It’s very soothing.

My pain tripled as the contractions gets worse. Dr. Lim checked on me again, while I’m leaning on Jiyong’s bare chest. We are once again, skin to skin, and my raging hormones isn’t making things easier.

“You can do it. Breathe” he whispered in my ear after I screamed for the hundredth time caused by so much pain.

Fifth time being checked, “You’re ready to push” Dr. Lim said and I can feel Jiyong’s body tensed up behind me.

Ms. Oh instructed Dami Unnie and Dr. Lim to hold my legs in place. I’m spread widely. Jiyong holds me by the arms, as I push for the first time. “AAAHHHHHH!!!!”

“On the count of ten” Ms. Oh started counting, by ten, I pushed again. “The baby’s already crowning”

“Gosh” I throw my head back, falling on Jiyong’s chest.

Let me just say, I’m with no anesthesia or whatsoever. Not to scare you, but it’s super painful.

“AAAHHHHH!!!!”

“Breathe. You can do it. Yong is almost there” Jiyong whispered in my ear, then my arm. His fingers are like feathers on my skin.

“Head’s out!”

At this point, I’m ready to all it quits. I’m done. My body is in so much pain that it feels like giving out already. I don’t think I can push anymore.

“One big push and we’re done”

Oh really? I’ve heard that for so many times already but it feels like nothing is happening.

“Go. Push! C’mon Areumie!” Jiyong is still in my ear. He’s so into my delivery, so far from what I was thinking he would be just an hour ago.

With all of the strength left in my body, “AAAAHHHHHH!!!!” I screamed and next thing I know it, I’m hearing the baby, crying.

“Omo!” just by the tone of Jiyong’s voice, I can tell how amazed he is.

“Baby’s out. It’s a boy!” Ms. Oh pulled Yong out of the water and placed him on my chest.

I cannot believe it! The human inside me is real, and he’s so beautiful.

“Aigoo” Jiyong touched the baby’s cheek and he squirmed a little. “You’re so cute little man” he told him in the sweetest voice.

I turned my head to look at him. He smiled at me and kissed my temple. “You’re so brave” he whispered in my ear, making me smile.

“Thank you Jiyongie” I said with tears pooling in my eyes. For some unexplainable reason, I feel so complete.

“Who do you want to cut the cord?” Dr. Lim asked, holding the surgical scissors.

Without thinking twice, “Jiyong” I replied.

And he did it. What happened next, after that, is a blur to me because I think I passed out.

The moment I woke up, I immediately looked for my baby, only to realize that it’s already morning. The sun is shining brightly and even when I still feel so tired, I’m in a really good mood.

“Oh, Unnie!” I was in shock, seeing her sitting on a chair with Yong in her arms.

“Areumie” the glow on her face is so beautiful. “Jiyong just went to bed to get some sleep. He took care of Yong the whole time. If it weren’t for his body giving out to exhaustion, he wouldn’t even let me carry the baby”

How sweet!

“Ms. Oh taught us how to feed him through this small bottle” she showed me the bottle that’s on the side table, beside the baby bed. “The milk is from another Mother because according to her, you won’t be able to feed right after giving birth, for you’re too beat. So far, Jiyong did a great job in feeding. He even figured out by himself, alone, how to burp the baby”

Actually, he learned that in the birthing class.

Surreal. This is my day one of being a Mother and I feel like I’m not as prepared as I expected. Sure, I know how to hold him and feed him. I can even do a thorough check-up if I wanted, but when reality kicks in, the knowledge goes liquid.

“Here you go” This is it! I’m going to feed for the very first time. Of course, I washed my s with warm water for sanitation. “Aigoo” like what I read in books, it’s going to be painful in the beginning, but once I get a hang of it, things will get better.

While tracing my index finger on Yong’s angelic face, I can’t help but be emotional. At last, after months of waiting, I already have him in my arms. I can’t tell who he looks like, but I’ll probably claim it since I don’t want his estranged Father to ever be brought up again. I mean, what’s the point? He’l never know about this baby, unless I change my mind and tell it.

“Areumie” Kwon Appa and Omma walked in the room after I made the baby sleep. They have balloons and flowers for us.

“Look at this child” Kwon Omma said while staring at Yong who is sleeping peacefully on his baby bed.

“Aigoo. He kind of looked like Jiyong when he’s a baby” Kwon Appa followed, making me and Dami Unnie to look at each other.

Once again, wonderful people, Jiyong is not the father of my baby and you should trust me in this. As much as I wish he is, he’s really not.

“Babies kind of look alike during their first days, right?” Unnie countered.

I nod in agreement. “Kind of”

How crazy is it that they can see a resemblance of Jiyong on my son? This really freaked me out.

Actually, it’s possible in one way or another, because he’s one of the few people I’m always with during my pregnancy, the other is Dami Unnie. You know what they say, when you’re always with that person, there’s this psychological tendency that others will see you look alike already when truth is, it’s all in the mind.

“You guys need to be checked at the hospital. Appointment’s in a couple of hours” Unnie reminded me.

It’s protocol to have both Mother and baby in the hospital for further check-up. This is the drag of giving birth at home.

An hour passed and I’m feeding again. Yong cried so loud, that he woke Jiyong up. I really feel bad for him because he badly needs sleep but chose to stay with us.

Also on my bed, “Are they sore?” he asked, pertaining to my s.

I sighed. “Yes. It’s awful!”

He smiled at me and my arm. “It’ll get better. I’ve read that constant massaging with warm cloth for a few days will make it better. You also have to pump every time you feel like it’s already full”

Ha! Isn’t that amazing? THE G-dragon, is talking about nursing a baby and first time mother stuff.

Once again feeling emotional, “Thank you Jiyongie, for everything”. I really mean it. If it weren’t for his help during my labor, I would’ve given up already.

He chuckled. “It’s nothing”

I shook my head. “No. It’s a BIG THING”. It made him smile. “Just imagine, you’re with me until the last minute of delivery. You went in the pool even when you know messy it’ll be. You endured the blood, the screaming, and the crying. You didn’t bail out. Not all men can do that”

Obviously touched by what I said, he moved beside me, wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and kissed my temple. “As I’ve said, I’m with you in this all the way”. He’s all smile. “But, I must admit, seeing someone give birth, is eye opening. I’ve never seen such a chaotic and precious moment ever in my life. Thank you for letting me witness it”

“I wouldn’t want anybody other than you to be with me during that time” my heart is filled with so much love for him. It’s overflowing.

You know, before I’m skeptical that Jiyong can take everything in, but after all of it, I’m beyond impressed for he’s been my rock throughout the process. Without his encouragement, I might’ve quit halfway. I can never be thankful enough.

At the hospital, Yong and I were checked. Dr. Lim looked at my stitches and told me the things I can and cannot do while I’m healing. A nurse helped me take a bath as well. As for my baby, he will undergo a series of tests to see if there’s something that needs attention, given that he’s a couple of weeks early from the original birth date. He can actually be considered premature.

“How’s he doing, Unnie?” I’ve been waiting for even one from the family to pay me a visit in my room. They are all with Yong at the NICU.

She smiled and walked over to me. “He’s so behave. Jiyong, Appa and Omma are there to watch over him. They don’t want to leave him alone”

True to their word, the Kwon family is always on our side, ready to give a hand.

“I’m a little worried that they might see something wrong with Yong”. As a Mother, I can’t help not to worry even when I keep on telling myself that my son’s fine.

Unnie patted me on the shoulder. “He’s all good. Don’t worry”

Hours passed and Dr. Lim decided to keep me for the night while Yong’s test results are not released yet. I think all I do is sleep, while my baby is being taken care of. I pumped milk for him, enough to get him through the night. I’m telling you, I’m a mean milk machine (it never runs out).

“You must’ve been a cow in your past life to have so much milk” Dr. Nam said. She paid me a visit after her shift. It made me, Jiyong and Dami Unnie, laugh. “Most of my friends who are Mothers, struggled to feed because their mild runs dry easily. But yours, is just…” she paused, trying to get the right word.

“Majestic” Jiyong butted in.

Dr. Nam gave him a high five. “On point!”

Seriously, these people are hilarious! My good milk supply is something to be proud about because not all mothers can produce so much.

As the night gets deeper, I’m having a hard time being comfortable. Aside from my sore s, it’s just now that I feel as if my body is adjusting to all the changes. I feel tired even when I’m not even moving a muscle. Well, there’s nothing to worry because it’s normal.

“Oh, what do you want to do?” Jiyong snapped up upon seeing me pulling myself up.

He’s been with us all day, even cancelling his concert rehearsal. According to him, a day off wouldn’t affect the schedule. YG Sajangnim congratulated me through a phone call, and told me that he’s giving Jiyong a paternity leave, effective only for today.

“I need to pump. They’re full again”

I’m telling you, my s have never been heavier. It fills up with milk madly and I do like that, but it comes with a price, for I don’t have a choice but to pump from time to time.

Properly placed, I began pumping. It’s not as complicated for I am using an electric pump (it’s way easier and convenient).

“I’m like cow” I told Jiyong who isn’t a bit awkward to what I’m doing.

He laughed out loud. “Honestly, that thing is terrifying me”

I looked at him curiously. “Why?”

“Because…it so darn hard. Isn’t it painful?”

I just noticed that he’s staring at the pump the whole time he’s talking. “It is, but tolerable”

This, ladies, is what we all Mother’s sacrifice. Pain is nothing when it’s all for your baby. I will go through pregnancy and delivery again, and I will love every minute of it.

Two additional bottles for Jeong Yong. I really am a milk machine. My son won’t starve.

“Can’t sleep?” Jiyong asked after seeing me still wide awake. It’s midnight and he’s about to sleep on the visitor’s couch already.

I nod and sighed in frustration. “I’m not comfortable here”

He walked towards me and climbed up the bed. “Come here” he pulled me closer to him, made me rest my head on his shoulder and my arm with the tip of his fingers, while humming.

Gosh! This is what my Omma does to make me sleep when I was a kid. I remember her sharing this to Jiyong one rainy afternoon at our house. He has never done it to me before, but it’s a shock that he can still remember.

“Sleep now, Omma” he said, making my heart jump.

I hugged him tight. “Thank you”

He sighed and kissed the top of my head. “I love you”

I head that even when doesn’t really intend for me to hear.

“I love you too” I said in my head.

                                                 ****