You have the power to choose who is worthy of your heart, but sometimes choosing isn’t even an option.

“MA! MA!”

Yong calling, woke me up. He’s on his tummy beside me in bed, giggling upon seeing me awake. He’s really one happy baby, so far from what I’m feeling when I was pregnant with him.

All of a sudden, while staring at him, the reality that he’s growing up fast right in front of my eyes hit me. It feels as if yesterday when I first held him in my arms. He was so tiny, I can lay him on my lap. Now, I can’t barely last an hour carrying him. He’s learning to walk and talk. The fact that he can comprehend some of what we’re saying is enough to say that he’s a little boy already.

“Ma! Ma!” this time, he crawled closer and gently pulled himself up, using me for support.

“Good Morning!” I greeted and his hair. “You’re in a good mood today!”

He shrieked and giggled. “Aigoo” I pulled up and kissed him on the cheek.

The clock reads eight o’clock in the morning. I’m about to jump out of bed when I realized that it’s my free day. I have this whole day to bond with Yong and the family. Maybe later, I can visit Dami Unnie at her shop. If there’s one thing I don’t want to feel today, it is to be bugged by my feelings for Jiyong, and that’s only possible if we won’t have any interaction. I’m hoping he’s already out to work.

“I doubt it” I told myself while brushing my teeth with Yong in a sling wrapped in front of me. This, my friends, is how Mothers multi-task. We have to move with the baby at all times, especially when your baby is extra clingy.

After washing Yong up, I walked out of our room. My hair in a messy bun. I’m wearing an old loose shirt matched with zebra printed pajama that I have since college. I’m no lingerie or just underwear kind of girl in bed. I want to be as warm and clothed as possible.

Outside, the house is very silent. I wonder where Kwon Appa and Omma are. Dolce Vita is closed for customers for a week, so there are no other people around.

Funny, because the reason why we’re here is for Yong to be watched closely in case his teething goes bad, but it’s been four days and his gums are not even swollen anymore.

“Good Morning” I heard someone from behind me.

I turned around and saw Lena walking down the stairs. Her hair is also in a messy bun and she’s wearing a loose shirt too. Thing is, the shirt is not old and she’s not wearing an animal printed pajama. Her bare legs are showing and they’re freakin’ glowing (she must’ve poured a whole bottle of lotion on it last night).

“Hi!” I forced a smile. “Good Morning!”

She walked towards me, smiling, then pinched Yong’s cheek when she reached. “Good Morning baby boy!” she greeted him, but my son, just like me, doesn’t seem thrilled to see her. “Do you want to come to Aunt Lena?”

Woah! When did she become my son’s Aunt? Yes, she’s Jiyong’s girlfriend, but we’re not yet on the level of labeling her as an Aunt, especially when we barely know each other.

“He’s not in a good mood today” I lied, or maybe, not. I swear! Yong’s aura changed upon seeing her. He’s not cheerful anymore.

What to do now? We’re standing in front of each other, neither of us saying a word. She’s looking at me from head to foot and I’m just staring at her. I just noticed, she got a mole on her neck. She’s got freckles on her cheeks. In all fairness to her, she’s pretty even without makeup on.

Jiyong really knows a good-looking woman once he sees one (except for me, of course). He’s a model magnet. For some reason, they are so attracted to him. Oh well, he’s one fashionable man. Not that manly looking, but very edgy and handsome too.

“Are you hungry? Do you want me to cook breakfast for you?” This is the friendliest I can get.

She smiled. “Actually…” then pouted, “I rarely eat breakfast”

Models. Some of them really starve themselves. How can she skip the most important meal of the day?

“Ok” I’m not in the mood to convince someone to eat, most especially when I don’t even have to do that to my own child. “I’ll have breakfast alone then”

Walking to the kitchen, I remembered Jiyong. I forgot to ask Lena where he is.

“We’ll yum-yum!” I told Yong while putting him on his high-chair. “Ni Ni made mashed pumpkin and carrots for you. Omma will just heat it in the microwave”. I went to the fridge and pulled out the container of baby food. “What do I feel like eating?” I walked to the pantry and saw a box of choco pie. I know, having it for breakfast is not good at all but I suddenly craved for it.

And I’m multi-tasking again. I’m feeding Yong while eating. I’m on my third choco pie and I’m going to have some more. Good thing Yong hasn’t tasted a choco pie ever because if he does, he’ll definitely ditch his baby food for it, and that’s not good at all.

“Choco pies for breakfast? Really?” Jiyong grabbed the box on the table and put it on the farthest countertop.

I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t know you’re still here” I told him plainly. “I mean, I thought you left for work already”. Awkward air slapped my face.

He gave Yong a playful kiss, making my son laugh. “Have you seen Lena?” he asked.

Holding up to not roll my eyes, I closed it for a second then nod. “I left her in the living room. Didn’t she go back to your room?”

Jiyong gave me a weird look. “We didn’t sleep in one room. She’s staying at the VIP” he said.

“I see” I sounded cold and I really don’t mean to.

He sighed, “What do you want for breakfast?”

Oh, he’s asking me.

I smiled. “I ate three pieces of choco pie already. I’m full”

“No” Jiyong’s voice changed. He sounded like my Father all of a sudden. “I’ll make Kimchi friend rice for us. Wait for it”

Pushy. I hope Lena is good with pushy guys or else she got herself a big problem.

Fifteen minutes later, there’s a decent food on the table. Yong is busy with his teether, while Jiyong and I eat in silence.

Yes, silence.

“Pa!” Yong called, making both of us look at him. My son just flashed us a beautiful smile that made us smile as well.

JIyong pinched Yong’s cheek. “Yaa…you’re acting cute again” he told him.

Actually, I don’t know where my son got his cuteness from, because it’s definitely not from me. I’ve mastered the art of giving a blank face, though.

“You think me ridiculous?” Jiyong asked and I didn’t even look at him. “Yah!” he yelled.

I finally looked up. “Huh?”

He sighed. “I am asking you a question”

“Oh! I thought you’re talking to Yong” I reasoned out, and he rolled his eyes.

“My decision of being with Lena, do you think it’s ridiculous?”

…………….

“Not that much”. I am being honest. He’s not ridiculous, just a little crazy. “I’m sure you know what you’re doing Jiyongie”

His face can’t be read. I also don’t have a clue on what’s running in his head. For him to ask me that question is a big thing and honesty is all he needs.

“I’m not in-love with her and I’m not that sure if I like her, but it can be worked on, right?”

Ugh! Why is he throwing hard questions at me? Yes, I’m the only person he can confide with (except if he tells Youngbae and his other close friends about this), but it’s just so hard to answer.

A minute passed, I emptied my bowl while thinking. “It might”, is all I was able to say.

He nodded. “That’s better than “I don’t know””

I can see in his eyes that he wanted to give this relationship a shot and knowing him, he’s going to figure things out for sure and make it work. Being with someone you don’t love is cruel. It’s torturing yourself and the person you’re with. But, once you see that person in a different light and begin feeling for him/her, love will surely flourish and it’s usually the most successful relationships of all.

“Jiyongie…” It’s now my time to drop a question and I need honesty as well.

“hmm…”

Gathering myself up, I take a breath and looked straight into his eyes. “Are you….”

“There you are!” Lena barged in all of a sudden, cutting me off.

This girl came at the wrong time. I will not ask him my question again. Not when his girl is with us.

Jiyong being the gentleman that he is, he welcomed her warmly by giving her the seat beside him. “You hungry?” he asked her.

“Starving” she replied.

Really? She’s starving when just half an hour ago, she said she doesn’t seem like it. This is not a good start. I smell a little stink on this girl.

Jiyong prepared everything for her. From getting her food to placing the utensils, he did it without words. I’ve seen him do things for his ex-girlfriends, like tie their shoelaces or cut their steak, but there’s something about now that looks so off to me.

“So…” she’s slowly ticking me off. “What’s up with you two?”

Goodness! I am not in the mood to pull out my Miss Congeniality sash and here she is, wearing it and acting well.

Jiyong and I looked at each other. If there’s someone who needs to talk, it’s him, not me.

“Nothing much” he answered, and I only nod in agreement.

“You seem so uptight all of a sudden” Lena caressed his cheek and kissed him on the lips. IN FRONT OF ME.

This girl is in your face bold, a trait I’m not expecting from her because she seem so mellow, and it changed overnight.

“PA!” Yong reached out his arms to Jiyong, asking him to hold him, which he did.

“uh-oh” he looked at me then chuckled, “Poop alert” he mouthed and I immediately stood up to attend to my son. Drag is, he doesn’t want to go to me. He wants Jiyong.

“I’ll just change him” Jiyong said, given no choice.

Left with Lena, the air suddenly became stuffy. I’m a second near to leaving her alone, but at the same time I want to get to know her. After all, she’s my best friend’s girl. My job is to make sure Jiyong is in good hands. Pretending like I don’t care is pathetic because if I continue doing so, I’d end up messing with my own happiness. Well, my happiness is seeing him happy, so I have to know right off the bat if he’s in good hands or he got himself a little miss ed up.

I have to squeeze my brain dry to come up with a good conversation. Should I ask her the basics? Like, where do you live? How old are you? When I already know them. First thing that came to mind is to find something in common. From there, (hopefully) we can relate to each other and open up. Gosh! This is hard.

For the information of everyone, there’s only one girl in Jiyong’s past that I was able to fully relate to and become close with. I’m in good terms with most of them, but that girl and I jelled well.

“You’re done eating already?” I asked upon noticing that she’s not touching her food anymore.

She smiled at me. “I lost my appetite”

Seriously? A minute ago, she’s starving. Now, after Jiyong left, she already lost her appetite? What sorcery is this? If I am her, I will empty my bowl in a snap because I’m STARVING, and I will never lose my appetite no matter what, because I’m STARVING. I will definitely the bowl clean, because I’m STARVING!

“Do you want me to clear out the table now?” It’s really a waste of food, but I don’t have any plan to eat her leftover. If it’s Jiyong’s I would, because that’s very normal to us.

Lena stared at me for a while then nod. Politely, I got the bowl in front of her and threw the food in the bin while asking God forgiveness for what’s wasted.

“Areum” she called while I’m washing the dishes. Looks like she’s not in the mood to be helpful this morning. She didn’t offer a hand.

I stopped what I’m doing and turned to her. “Yes?”

“How important is GD to you?”

Her question froze me. I wasn’t asked by any of Jiyong’s girls this question. This is the first.

In all honesty, “Important enough for me to care so much about him”. The tone of my voice clearly sounded serious.

She took my answer with a half-smile. “You know, I find you very mysterious. Like, you’re hiding something”

It’s not the first time someone told me that. I’ve had men telling me the same and I never questioned them. Now that it came from a woman, I suddenly felt curious.

“All of us have secrets, don’t we?” I asked and pulled the chair opposite hers.

She nodded. “Does GD know all of yours?”

Her questions are getting more personal, a level we shouldn’t be on as of the moment.

Oh well, I won’t back out. I will satisfy her curiosity. Hopefully, I don’t make her insecure of me.

“He does, and by that I mean EVERYTHING. My life, included”. This girl needs honesty and I’m so generous to give it to her.

Lena stared at me for a moment. Maybe my answer shocked her somehow. After all, what’s not shocking about that? A guy best friend knowing even your life is major.

“That’s….”

I take a deep breath and smiled (the villain type of smile). “Unusual” I continued, and all she can do is sigh. “I know all of his too. But don’t worry, we’re past the stories already. We grew out of it after hitting twenty-five. And, we don’t go on details”

This conversation is full of tension. Lena can admit it or not, but she’s threatened by me. I can see it on her face. Contrary to what she said last night, I’m competition to her, a mistake she really shouldn’t go on for because the girls who think this way, don’t last very long.

“How can I make him love me the way he loves you?”

OK. This….is…ed…up.

I’m battling with myself if I should tell her the truth or lie a little. My honesty will surely put her in the right place, while my lie will supply her fantasy of rainbows and unicorns.

As much as I don’t want to come off cocky and over confident, Jiyong’s love for me has never been exceeded by any girl. He loved some of them hard, but still on a different level. I know this because he tells me about it all the time.

Choosing what I think is right. “He has never loved someone so much. Yes, he’s a self-admitted love slave and that’s partially true, but no one has ever made him lose his mind completely”.

I chose honesty.

“Jiyong is the type of person who will give you everything you ask for, even the ones you don’t. It’s one of his thousand ways to show you he cares and that he loves you. Thing is, he has limitations. He knows his boundaries. The moment he felt like something is wrong, he’ll get into it and will never drop it until he finds out what it is. The girls from his past either took advantage of him or left him because of his public status. Some, he left because he just cannot find potential in their relationship…”

“How about you? You left him….because?” Lena cut me off, and her question shocked the heck out of me.

Did Jiyong tell her about us? If so, why? No wonder Lena changed her treatment to me. This confirmed that she really sees me as competition.

“I left him because I love him so much to lock him down” my answer will make her brain bleed.

The air is already filled with tension. It needs to be cleared.

“Don’t you think that’s stupid of you? I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t make sense to me” she’s firing away.

I shrugged. “Yes, it is stupid. But, he needs to be free. He deserves to be free”

“From the look of it, he’s never freed from you, for you’re still around. You don’t want him to take responsibility of you and your child but he’s playing the role as Yong’s Father and you seem to be so good about it”

Is God sending me signs? Is this his way of telling me to gather myself up and stick to my word of giving Jiyong his freedom that is long due?

“GD sees a level of perfection in you” she continued “If you really want him to be happy, don’t stick around anymore. At least until he’s completely over you” the tone of Lena’s voice changed in a snap. She’s like a telling another to back off. “I must admit, I’m totally threatened by you because in these cases, usually, even after being invested for so long, things between Jiyong and I can still go bad. He can even denounce me for the one that’s been there all along, and that’s you, the woman who will always be by his side”

Minutes ago the ball is at my court. Now, it’s at hers and she’s passing it to me harshly.

“For your information, no one and nothing can separate us completely. You’re going against two decades of friendship. And no matter how far I distance myself from him, which I’m going to do” I raised my index finger, “For you made me realize how stupid I was for not giving him complete freedom, expect that at the end of all of this, we’re still best friends, family even”. This is me ing out. I’m telling you, I don’t out that much but when I do, it’s full on.

With a smile on face, I looked deep into her eyes. “I will be here long after you’re gone”

K. O!

Gosh, how I hate this conversation! It shouldn’t turn out this way. Both of us are to be blamed for this, but what can we do? What’s done is done.

We parted ways without saying one more word. I continued washing the dishes, and I’m sure she went to Jiyong. Alone, I was able to think. This time, I’m not going to consider my heart in decision making. I’ll let my mind do everything.

Right after the dishes, I head to our room and packed our things. I will leave this place and distance myself from Jiyong (I’m serious this time). I don’t know how far this will go, but I’m eager to do it.

“You’re leaving?” Jiyong walked in with Yong in his arms.

I faced him and smiled. “Yes”

Getting my son from him, “Didn’t we agreed to stay here until Yong gets better?” he asked in confusion.

I nod. “Yeah. But he’s fine now. There’s no need to worry because I got it all in hand. I think you’ve forgotten, I’m a Doctor, I know how to handle this”

“But…”

“We just have to go home” I cut him off.

Still lost. “Why?”

“Because I want to” I told him directly. “I have to, and you can’t talk me out of it”

At this point, I thought he’s going to argue with me but he didn’t. He even helped me with our things and strapped Yong in his car seat.

“I already called Omma. She’s sad coz they’re not able to see us off” I sound too serious and it’s weird that Jiyong isn’t even questioning what’s with my sudden change of mood. “Enjoy your day with Lena!” I finished, trying very hard to sound cheerful.

“All right” he smiled. “Drive safely!”

“Goodbye, Jiyongie”

                                                                                                                                                        ****