When I got home, Jiyong and the kids are already there. I made sure that I look okay before facing them. Honestly, I don’t know how to break the news to the kids. As much as I want to make it light, I know it won’t go that way.

The kids enjoyed Big Bang’s rehearsal so much, Jiyong said, they don’t want to leave yet. They bonded well with everybody, especially the boys. Surprisingly, Emma and Seungri are the new buddies. Our daughter even gave her, now favorite Uncle (next to Aden), one of her rubber bracelets as a symbol of their friendship, which Seungri replaced with a designer scarf that he tied around Emma’s hair. Ethan on the other hand, is already fond of the drums and even the electric guitar. According to Jiyong, he keeps on telling him how much he loves it. That’s why, he promised our son that he’ll buy him a drum set and an electric guitar one of these days. Jiyong cleared to me that this isn’t spoiling, he just want Ethan to learn something new that I totally agreed with.

“Areumie” Jiyong followed me to the kitchen. He stand beside me, leaning back on the counter.

I’m looking for something to eat. The last meal I had was lunch and it’s already very late. Not that I have an appetite. I just want to fill my stomach even a bit.

In tears, right off, “How are we going to tell the kids about Aden?” I’ve been thinking for hours for good ways, but nothing’s really good.

He moved closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “There’s no better way to tell them than to be direct. I’ve been thinking about it since you told me the news, and I realized that telling them right at point is the only way to go. After all, by the end of it, they’ll still be sad and hurt”

And I cried harder. Aden’s death, even already expected, is painful. So painful that I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. “He’s gone, Jiyong”. The emotions I’m holding back since they returned, unleashed. I’m bursting out and I know Jiyong is having a hard time seeing me like this.

I’ve been in this road before. I’ve lost my parents at the same time in a car accident. Back then it was so hard for me to process what’s happening to the point that I made myself believe they are still alive, just in a far place. For some reason, I rarely cry. Actually, I don’t remember crying hard at all. I just bawled out once after their funeral and that’s it, I moved on. Jiyong was there in every step that I made. He did everything in his power to pull me out of extreme sadness.

With Aden’s passing, it’s not the same, for I know it’ll happen. Thing is, we connected so much, I feel like I lost a limb. I’ll definitely move on from this, but the pain and longing will surely stick with me forever.

Still crying like a baby, Jiyong pulled me for a hug. In silence he comforted me, letting me cry it all out until I had enough of it. Magical as it may it seem, but I think Aden timed his death, making sure that I have Jiyong by my side when he passes. This way, I have someone to hold on to when I feel like drowning in sadness.

We stayed in the kitchen until my homemade poutine is done. We went out to the living room where the kids are watching their favorite cartoon. They are laughing. Jiyong and I joined them on the couch and waited until the show is finished before telling them the news.

I have Aden’s letters for the kids and the jelly beans. Maybe by reading the letters, they will get what I’m about to say.

“Jelly beans!” Ethan is so excited upon seeing it. He’s really crazy for candies and Aden knows it so well.

I gave it to him. “That’s from Uncle A. You guys share it well”. I looked at Jiyong for strength. He smiled as if telling me I can do it. Minutes passed and I’m ready. “He also wrote letters for you guys” I showed them the green and pink envelopes, and their smiles are so big.

I started with Ethan. Jiyong put both kids on his lap and hugged them, while waiting for me to start reading.

Super Ethan,

Uncle A is writing to you to tell you how much I love you. Ever since we got closer, we’re inseparable. I found the boy in me because of you. You are a good kid. THE BEST! Continue to be kind and respectful, especially to the elders. Remember the things that I taught you, even though some of them are not as good, like fighting when you’ve had enough, but it can come handy. Just don’t overuse your ‘superpower’. Now that you have your Daddy already, someone will fight for you, and I’m telling you, he’s good at it in every way. You have someone to play video games with as well, just don’t cry every time you lose. Now, you can use my favorite character in our favorite fight game. I’m giving you the right to use it. One more important thing, always remember to be a gentleman. Give way to girls and never argue with them. Once your old enough to get it, ask your Daddy what I mean, he knows it too well. Uncle A will miss the times we sneak out to get ice cream in the afternoon when all your Mom knows is that I’m helping you with your homework. Also the bucket of candies every Halloween that we share for close to a month because they’re just too many.

Ethan, Uncle A will have to say goodbye, for good. You may not understand the situation fully, but I’m going to rest now. Don’t cry, okay? Be strong for your Mom and Emma. I’ll watch over you. Whenever you miss me, just look up the sky, the brightest star you’ll see is me, smiling at you.

Thank you for loving me and for letting me be a part of your life. Uncle A loves you so much, don’t ever forget that.

PS: Your birthday’s coming up! I have something for you. Ask your Mom or Daddy to accompany you to my house. Go to our cave, your gift is there.

                                                                                                                                                                                          Your best buddy forever,

                                                                                                                                                                                                     Uncle A.

Gosh! This is hard!

After reading, I looked at my son and saw his eyes pooling in tears. I don’t know if he already got the message, but maybe he’s still confused.

I composed myself again as I prepare to read Emma’s letter.

“I’m next!” Emma excitedly raised her hand, and I just looked at her sympathetically.

Little lady Emma,

How’s my beautiful princess?

I know you’re too young for this and I want to say sorry for making you experience loss at an early age. Well, what can I say? You’re really an angel sent to all of us. Did you know that when I first saw you, I said right then and there that you’re going to be the bubbliest and jolliest little girl on Earth? Well, Uncle A is a psychic, for all of it were true. You are my source of entertainment during the hardest times of my medications. Your morning phone calls just to say, ‘Hi Uncle!’ or ‘Be strong Uncle!’ really lifted my spirit up. Also the trinkets you gave me made me feel happy. I’m actually keeping one under my pillow here at the hospital in case I feel sad or in pain, I’ll have something to remind me to smile and just be happy. I’m sorry for not finishing your play house. I know, I’m bad, because I broke my promise, but don’t worry, your Daddy will finish it for me. Don’t forget to tell him to paint it pink, okay?

Emma, Uncle A has to say bye-bye to you now. You won’t be seeing me anymore, but always remember that I love you and I’m always with you in spirit. Just like what I said to Ethan, whenever you’re missing me, just look up the sky and the brightest star is me, smiling at you. I know you’re strong. You will not cry, right?

I love you so much and I’ll miss your laughter, and tight hugs!

PS: Always listen to your Daddy, Mom and Ethan. Don’t go out of the house alone. And, don’t cry whenever your Mom is asking you to brush your teeth. If you don’t, your teeth will rot and turn black. I know you don’t like that.

                                                                                                                                                                                         Loving you forever,

                                                                                                                                                                                               Uncle A.

“Why is Uncle A saying bye-bye? Where is he going?” Emma asked right after. As expected, she didn’t get it.

This is it. With a nod from Jiyong, I go for it. “Uncle A….is…now…in….” Seriously, this is hard. “In heaven”

The moment I said this, tears trickled down my cheeks. Finally, the kids got what I said, for they now that dead people all go to heaven.

“He wasn’t able to fight his sickness” I continued, as Jiyong weighs in on the two. They were just looking at me, no reaction at all. Their eyes are pooling in tears but it’s not falling.

“Babies” Jiyong made them look at him. “You won’t be seeing Uncle A for a very long time, but he’s always with you in your hearts” he told them, hoping that it will make them feel better.

“I will miss him” Ethan wailed, “So much”

Emma followed. She’s louder than her Brother. “Me too”

There’s nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your children in this state. Grieving.

It took us almost an hour to calm them down. They are crying so hard, I was worried at one point because Emma had a hard time breathing.

“I want to get my gift” Ethan told us after a while. He’s now on my lap, still sobbing.

With that, the four of us left the house and went to Aden’s. Our walk to his house is a good breather for all of us. The moment we arrived, I feel like breaking down. If not for Jiyong, I would’ve done so.

“Here it is!” Ethan excitedly got it. At Aden’s backyard, there’s a teepee that only them boys are allowed. It’s been their hangout cave since two years ago. Beautiful memories were made in there.

“Can I open it now?” he asked, carrying the big box.

“Of course” I replied, and he happily ripped the wrapper.

With a gasp, “Uncle A gave me another batch of his matchbox collection!” Ethan cannot believe his eyes.

A matchbox is a variety of miniature toy cars. Aden has been collecting them since he was a kid. There are over five hundred of them in his room, and he already gave half to Ethan last year as a Christmas gift. Now, he gave him the rest of it.

“Uncle A cherishes all of those” I told him and he nodded. “You got all of them now”

Ethan looked at Jiyong, “These are cool toys Daddy! Let’s play with them later!” he told him.

Jiyong kissed the top of Ethan’s head, “Sure, Little Man”

On our way home, all of us are silent. I think reality is hitting real hard, and as much as I want to lighten up, I can’t force myself.

“Just rest” Jiyong squeezed my shoulder, “I’ll be the one preparing the kids for bed”

I caught his hand and hold it. “Thank you Jiyongie”

I can never be thankful enough to him. Thinking of it, he may be tired as well. He just got out of rehearsals and tomorrow he has a concert. But nevertheless, he’s here with us.

For the very first time, the four of us are in bed all together. The kids are in between Jiyong and I. It’s pretty tight. We are making the two sleep, but none of them are giving in.

“Mom” Emma called, “Will Uncle A be fine in heaven? Isn’t he going to be lonely because we’re not there?”

her hair, “Loneliness is the last thing he’ll feel up there, baby girl. And, he’s not alone. He got angels around him”

“Why didn’t he fight his sickness?” Ethan asked Jiyong.

He cleared his throat and hugged our son. “Uncle A’s sickness is so hard to fight”

Ethan sighed, “I wish he didn’t quit”, and he cried once again.

And that, made Emma and I cry too. I can’t stop myself. My chest is going to burst out if I don’t release it.

“Aigoo” Jiyong now has to deal with three cry babies. “Okay”. Maybe he had enough of it. He got up, carried Emma just to take her place. He’s in between Ethan and I, while our daughter is on him. “Come here” he slipped his arm under my nape and pulled me to him. He does the same with our son.

Awkwardness aside, I wrapped my arm around him and Emma, and buried my face on the crook of his neck. “You still smell the same even after all these years” I can’t help but notice.

“You love this scent, right?” he asked. I just nodded. “Why will I change it when you love it?”

Blushing while crying, I looked up at him “You just made my heart leap with that”

He tightened his hug. “Good to know”

                                             ****