You know you go beyond your limit when regret embraces you tightly.

My head, it’s throbbing. I feel like it’s going to explode any time. My vision is cloudy as I stare at the ceiling. My body, however, feels weird. I feel sore down there.

“Oh!” my eyes go big when I felt an arm crawling on my stomach, hugging me. Slowly, I turned my head to the right “Jiyong” I whispered, squinting my eyes.

“!”

He’s not Jiyong.

“Hong Shik!” I sat up in panic and looked over my shoulder to see him half .

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Alright, Areum, keep your calm.

With my heart beating fast, I looked down and peeked under the duvet. I’m .

I’m completely screwed!

What am I even thinking? Why did I let this happen? I cannot believe that I crossed the line between us this early. Worst is, we’re not even a couple yet. All these years, I diligently followed every rule I made for myself to not make this kind of mistake again, and just like that, it goes down the drain.

“Stupid” I hit my head, tears pooling in my eyes.

Casually, I slid out of bed, hugging the duvet tight as I walk out of my room. I didn’t dare to look back. I’m still in denial that something happened to us. I hope I’m only dreaming.

All I want to do is cry, which I did while sitting in a corner in the kitchen (it’s the only place I can hide). I cannot tell Jiyong about this. He will surely get mad. I don’t have a choice but to just keep it in.

“Omo!” I jumped up in surprise upon hearing my phone ringing. With my body feeling heavy, I dragged myself to the living room and grabbed my phone on the center table. “Jiyongie” I read the name on the screen.

To pick up or not?

Pick up or not?

Pick up or…

“Hey!” I cannot help but pick it up. He sighed heavily, as if in relief. “Thank God!” he said, making me curious. “What’s up?” I asked and sat down on the couch, feet up, hugging my knees. He take in a breath “Nothing. I just want to check on you”

I knew it. He’s still worried about me, having Hong Shik in my apartment.

I chuckled. “Still alive” I joked and he laughed. “How was your first night together?” he made it sound like I’m on a honeymoon.

My heart raced. I know that if I talk comfortably, I will spit out my unexpected y time last night. And once I do, he will beat the out of Hong Shik and scold me more than any angry parent can. So, I tried my hardest to naturally filter my words.

“Well…” I breathe out “We ate the food you bought. He enjoyed every bit of it, even saying that you have a good taste even in food”. He laughed in satisfaction. “And then, he played the guitar for me. We….” I bit my tongue. The truth is about to come out. “….talked over wine until midnight”

“What?” Jiyong exclaimed, shocking me. “Who said you two can drink the wine I brought? Yah! That’s for us!” he complained.

Jiyong just cannot say it, but I know that he is not mad because Hong Shik and I drank the wine he brought, he’s mad because I let myself loose, around him.

“Did you get drunk?” he asked, alarmed. My heart is getting heavier and heavier. It’s so hard to lie to him. “I didn’t. I hope my shaky voice didn’t give me out.

Silence.

“So…” it’s obvious that he’s figuring out how to ask me the ‘crazy’ question.

Determined to just lie to him “No. We didn’t have , Jiyongie. None of us got drunk. I slept in my room and he’s in the living room”

For the record, this is one of the few times I lied this greatly to him and I swear, I won’t do it again.

More relaxed, Jiyong cheerfully asked me about my schedule for today. I told him that I’m going to turnover my patients to another Doctor for the meantime, which is a lot of work.

“I’ll drop by later this afternoon. I happen to find extra blankets and pillows here at home. Hong Shik can use them, to not freeze in your living room at night” Jiyong teased, making me smirk. “That’s so thoughtful of you Jiyongie. He’ll still be here around that time. You can give it to him personally” I said.

Actually, it’s going to be much better if they don’t see each other, especially without me. It’s not a good idea at all. My hair is raising just by thinking of it.

An hour passed with us talking about everything under the sun. I’m thankful to him because at least even just for a short time, I forgot about the stupid thing I’ve done.

“Good Morning!” Hong Shik walked out of my room, shirtless. His boxer shorts is too thin for me not to notice his *ding-a-ling*

I swallowed hard, controlling my eyes not to go down. Seriously, he looks so fine, more than what I expected. I rubbed my eyes and leaned over as he gets closer. “You have tattoos?”

He smiled and extended his arms to the side. “Yeah. I have eight”

Nice! I didn’t notice that a while ago. It’s freaky though, because he’s starting to shape up like Jiyong in my eyes. I mean, they have so much in common.

“I saw you got four” he gave out the iest smile I’ve seen on him, making me swallow hard again.

Tattoo #1: Placement: Right hip

                     Drawing: Big Red Rose with Yellow and Violet butterflies on it.

                     Story: I had it during my senior year in college. My friends tripped on getting tattoos as a symbol of coolness and I joined them. I had it made as a tribute to my parents. The red rose symbolizes me, and the butterflies are my Appa and Omma.

Tattoo #2: Placement: Left vertical back

                     Drawing: Sugar Skull (extremely colorful; a hot trend way back)

                      Story: Got it the same time Jiyong had his back shoulder tattoo (too fast to live, too young to die). He doesn’t want me to have another one, but I thought it was a really cool idea to have one at the same time with him. It took three days to finish this not so little masterpiece, all because I cannot stand the pain in one go.

Tattoo #3: Placement: Left inner forearm

                      Phrase: Carpe Diem (seize the day)

                     Story: I was feeling so down for a couple of weeks already. I don’t function the same. Jiyong dragged me to his tattoo session (where he had his dragon ball tattoo), and strictly told me not to even think of getting inked again, that all I have to do is watch and distract him from the needle pain. But of course, the wind blew the other way, I ended up getting another one. What’s special is that, the words are handwritten by him on stencil.

Tattoo #4: Placement: Upper to lower spine

                    Quotation: I love the person I’ve become, because I fought hard to become her.

                     Story: I was looking for something meaningful to do with my life before hitting thirty. It didn’t take me long to decide what that ‘something’ will be. So, the day before my birthday, I went to the tattoo parlor all by myself and had my favorite quotation inked. Out of all my tattoos, this is Jiyong’s favorite.

Surprising? Ha! I have a lot of interesting stuff underneath my white coat *wink*

“So…” being with Hong Shik as of the moment is really awkward. I forced a smile and tried moving around naturally. “Do you have any plans for today?”

He stared at me for a moment, making me feel really uncomfortable, then chuckled. “I’ll leave for work early evening and get back tomorrow morning already”. “Ok” I replied, smiling in relief. It seems like I’ll get to have my much-needed space tonight.

I wonder if it’s really a guy thing to act like nothing happened every after , as if they’re used to it like it is part of their routine. And here I am, embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I hope he’s not thinking that I’m an easy girl or something.

Just to breathe a different air from him, I went to work an hour early than usual. This is good, because I need all the time I can have to turnover my patients to my temporary replacement.

To my surprise, Doctor Nam came back, after gracing another operation demo in another hospital. As usual, she’s her crazy self, diverting my attention from the many thoughts playing in my head.

“You what?” she looks so surprised after I told her what happened last night. If there’s another person I know I can trust with everything about me aside from Jiyong, it’s Doctor Nam. I didn’t even think twice if I should tell her or not.

Her laugh says a lot. “The mere fact that you took this guy in is shocking enough, added with you two having on his first night is totally mind-blowing. What entered your mind?”

With a shrug “I don’t know. It just happened”

Doctor Nam snorted. “It just happened? There’s no smart human being that will say ‘it just happened’ as an excuse! That’s pathetic. If you said you’re just , I might’ve gone ‘aww…glad you finally had some’”

“Look” she leaned towards my desk and looked straight into my eyes. “What happened last night will surely happen later and the next, and the next, until he gets out of your house. That is, if he’s still going to move out. I understand. You’re just trying to help, but there are a lot more ways to do that without taking him in, both in your apartment and your…” she pointed down and I don’t need words to get what she’s trying to say.

My ears are wide open to hear everything she’s going to say. I guess I really have to think things over again.

“You shouldn’t trust someone that fast, especially when you’re still getting know each other” she smiled sympathetically and leaned back, crossing her legs. “What made you trust this person so fast in the first place?”

This question got me thinking. All these years, I’ve been looking for love, it’s my first time to really bend so much of my rules which is so not me.

“I don’t know, but there’s a sense of familiarity in him. Like, I’ve known him forever”

Doctor Nam just stared at me, probably analyzing what I said. “What made you say that? Is there someone close to you that have so much in common to him?”

I take in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Hong Shik and Jiyong are so alike in so many ways. They are both into music. Both singers, writers and performers. Their passion is at the same level. Physically, their eyes are the same color, which really got me because I love Jiyong’s eyes so much. They both have a lot of tattoos that makes them look hotter. They’re around the same height and built. Also, they reason and talk the same too, sometimes”

Out of nowhere, I remembered waking up thinking that Jiyong is the one in bed with me instead of Hong Shik. It’s a super weird mistake.

“I guess that answers my question” she sighed and smiled. Pointing at me, “You feel comfortable with Hong Shik not because of who he is, but because of who you see in him. Your mind knows that he’s another person, but your heart keeps on messing them up, resulting for your mind to mess up as well”. And then she burst out laughing “Now you know how brittle you’ll be if GD asks you for y time”

Say what? That’s not going to happen, EVER!

I faked a laugh, while being bugged by it deep inside. “If that happens, it’s going to be the end of the world. It’s to the highest level” I told her. And she laughed again “Whether you admit it or not, deep inside you I know, it’s more than friendship you feel towards GD, because out of all the men you’ve gone out with, it’s with someone who you see him in, you bended and shaken” Doctor Nam looked as if she perfectly knows what she’s saying. “Think about it” she stood up and left me, alone and confused.

At the end of my shift, I’m still in a mess, not because of what happened between me and Hong Shik but because of my conversation with Doctor Nam.

I got home tired as usual. I braved myself to face Hong Shik and not show him awkwardness anymore. After all, what’s done is done. I cannot bring the past back anymore.

“Omo!” I almost had a heart attack. “Yah!” I hit Jiyong’s arm so hard, he yelped. “Yah!” he yelled, his now, pinkish arm.

I cannot help but laugh, “Aigoo”. Touching his arm “I’m sorry. Actually, it’s your fault. If you didn’t just popped out, I will not be surprised”. He threw himself on the couch, as I sit on the single couch. “Hong Shik went to work already, but he cooked dinner for you before leaving”

The air suddenly felt different. Once again, I can see tension on Jiyong’s face, just like yesterday when he saw us kissing.

“That’s so….thoughtful of him” I said, carefully. He snorted. “Somebody’s cooking for you now. I don’t have to do it anymore”. He looked sad, making me feel bad.

These are the moments I hate. It’s hurting him without knowing it and not knowing what to do to ease his pain.

“Jiyongie” I squeezed myself on the long couch, lying next to him. Instinctively, he slipped his arm under my nape and I wrapped my arm around his waist. Looking up at him, “You know what, sometimes I wonder what if…”

I cannot continue.

No.

I shouldn’t.

“What if, what?” he looked at me curiously.

His eyes are doing their wonders again. I can’t keep it from him, not when he’s looking at me intensely as if trying to get through my soul.

“What if we go beyond friendship, like most of the boy-girl best friends we know, what do you think will happen?”

                                                                                                *****