I woke up in an unfamiliar room where all I see is white, I was lying on the bed , feeling so weak, then I saw my wrist had a bandage.

“ . .  What did I done?” I look around the room and saw the person whom I’m longing for.  

“oh, take it easy, Don’t move yet . . .” I still in shocked to see her closely standing beside the bed.

“Tae. ..Taeyeon?”
”Hmmm? Is there something wrong? Are you feeling hurt?”

“Why . . How? . .What . .  are you for real?” She didn’t answer instead I heard a big sigh from her.

“Why did you do this?” She look at my wrist.

“I ah  . . I’m sorry”

“You knew how I hate seeing you hurt, and yet you hurt your self “ I suddenly remember the time I accidentally cut my finger while chopping the meat while cooking, she said that exact same line that she said before. I suddenly smiled .

“Why are you smiling? You think that I’ll treat it? No! I cant handle this cut anymore”

I was slowly getting in tears, as I continue looking at her.    

“Didn’t I told you to take care of yourself? Look at you? You look so thin, are you still eating? And look at your swollen eyes, don’t tell me your still crying every night?” I didn’t get to say a word, I’m still confuse of whats happening right now. I was only looking at her, wanting it to feel so real, I look at her eyes, to her nose down to her lips.

“She is real” I said to myself.

“Taeyeon?”

“Yes, Baek?”

“Can I hold your hand?” She just smile and hold my hand.

“I miss you, “

“I miss you so much Taeyeon” then I place her hand on my cheeks, trying to feel her warmth.

“Taeyeon, your not leaving, are you?” Another sigh escape her lips.

“Baekhyun, you knew how much I love you, even if I want to stay, but I hope you realize that I cant, there are things that you must really learn to let go. Even if its hurt, face it, that’s part of life”

“Taeyeon, No! I cant, I won’t do it . . .” She pull her hands, before I could  hold her tight.

“Baekhyun, Please . .  promise me to keep on living, Don’t close your world just because of me, there are many people who still love you, aside from me, please Baek. .  Promise me”

I didn’t answer, I don’t want to give a word if I know in myself that cant fulfill it. I stayed silent while looking at her, but the moment I close my eyes, and open it, she’s gone.  Tears suddenly ran down on my face, for the second time she left me hanging again.

“Taeyeon, Please!! Don’t . . . Don’t leave me !”  I close my eyes and whisper to the air, as I kept on crying, wanting her to come back. I suddenly open my eyes, only to realize that it was all just a dream.  

"Baekhyun!! Thanks God your awake, we were so worried about you" I sit up from the bed, and wipe up the dried tears on my face”

"Where am I? What happened?”

“You don’t know what happened? Your at the hospital, you pabo! Are you ok?”

 “I'm ok now, no need to worry"

"You stupid, Dont you ever do that again, you almost kill your self, Do you really want to give us another headache, your parents kept calling me, checking if your ok. Do you know how many stories I made up just to cover your stupidness? Come on Baek!!”

“I’m sorry”

“ What if you really die, what will I say to your parents? Dont you even consider the feelings of those people around you, who loves you? Taeyeon already left us,  please don’t try to also leave us"

"Huh, If I could only do that”

“Ahh so your really planning to leave us too? Wahh!! How selfish of you Byun Baekhyun!! I cant believe you!”

Yes,  call me selfish, but what can I do? I cant live without her

One month after Taeyeon left us, I am still here, looking so miserable. After the incident where I almost kill myself, they didn’t let me stay alone in my room, so I stay in the living room all day, sometimes I waste my time watching movies but most of the time I stay at the garden, while looking at the sky, trying to find if she’s watching me. Its been a month but its still hurt. She left me just like that. I didn’t get to immediately reply to her when she said she loves me, in just a split second and she’s gone . I never had the chance to say personally, verbally how much I love her, even when I saw her in my dream at the hospital.  I didn’t even properly said goodbye to her on her last day of burial. I didn’t and I don’t want to see her lying there in the white casket, while pushing down the ground.

“Hey Baek, your not coming again, are you?”

“I said NO!, how many time do I have to tell you, I am not going!!”

“Ok, fine but this is her last day, even for the last time?”

“Theres no last time, I am sure that we will meet again soon, And I will make it happen”

I was so sensitive that time, and Chanyeol kept on calling, asking me if I will go. I was so irritated at him,who would want to watch their love one slowly placing seven feet below the ground. The fact that I cant stand seeing her at the funeral, cause it  hurts me so bad, how much more when she finally get buried.  Even I was mad I try to understand them. In the end I followed what my heart wants me to do for so long, I secretly followed them to the cemetery where they took her. The sky looks dark, seems like the they’re giving me their sympathy.

And as a coward I am, I stay at the back and watch from a far, I saw them how they slowly pulling her down. I tightly hold on to the thing that I cant remember, just to keep me from falling.

I feel like my heart is also slowly pulling down the ground. I silently cried while looking at somewhere else, I cant stand looking at that scene, it hurt me so bad. When I finished calming myself, I realize that the ceremony was over, they already left, so with a brave heart I went closer to her grave, but as soon as I saw her name engrave to the white stone, I suddenly burst in tears. I felt my body feeling breaking down till I kneel down the muddy ground.

The soils was still fresh and  wet, the fallen petals from the flowers that was thrown down with her casket were scattered everywhere, the candles that were still lighted, waiting for it to die. Seeing those things really made me regret everything.

“Why! Taeyeon! Why do you have to leave me? Why Do I have to suffer like this? . . .” 

I shouted out trying to release all feelings.

“Why did you take her? I still need to prove myself to her, I still need her, WHY!!  . .Why! . . “ 

I shouted at Him, blaming him for taking her away from from me. Then I lie down trying to  hug the stone with her name on it, I didn’t mind the dirt or the people who will see me, I just want to hug her even if its just her name.

That day ends, when one police saw me and bring me back to my house. The moment the door opened I saw my parents, Chanyeol, Jongdae, Jong in even Yoona looking at me with their big eyes, they were so surprise to see me looking do dirty with all mud on my face and clothes.  

“Baekhyun! Were on earth did you go?”

“Ahh, Mrs. Byun we found your son at the cemetery, lying at the grave of  I suppose his wife.”

“Baekhyun, ah why did  you do that?”

“What comes to your mind to do that look at you?”

They kept on asking questions, but I kept silent. My mother accompany me to my room to wash up and change. After that day, thats when I try to follow Taeyeon and cut myself, fortunately it didn’t work out, Chanyeol saw me and hurriedly brought me to the hospital. I admit that it was an stupid act of mine. Now that I somehow recover, I sometimes scold myself, on doing such thing.

“Huh, Byun Baekhyun, what did you do? If Taeyeon was only here, she wouldn’t like to see you looking like this. .. Man up Baekhyun!” Like a crazy I am I started to talk to myself, trying to comfort myself, saying that Taeyeon might be watching me from above, that I must live well.

Days after that incident I still can’t get over, I am still holding on to her. In my mind she didn’t left me, I’m trying to live up thinking that she’s just here with me, looking and guiding me. Sometimes I would see her in my dreams, saying that . . ..

“Baekhyun. . .  Please! . . . Let go!”  But no matter I do, I still cant let her go. Sometimes she’ll suddenly appear on my side telling me what should I do . . .

“Not that one Baek, use this . . . it will help relieve the pain, here let me do it for you . . .” 

I would imagine her doing things for me, just what she usually do. When things like this happened, in just a snap of a finger, I’ll suddenly realize it, and I’ll just end up crying again. Chanyeol, sometimes Yoona, try to accompany me in our big house since my parents were the one who’s managing the company while I’m recovering. They really did their best to make happy and make me forget her, but we failed. Even though I felt happy in a short time because of them, at the end of the day, I’ll be in my room alone, feeling all that pain and started to haunt me all night.

Even though they didn’t tell me, I know that they were having a hard time dealing with me.

“Huh, he’s still not looking fine, sometimes I would catch him looking at one corner with his teary eyes, sometimes he would smile and then he’ll cry, I don’t know what to do anymore . . .”

“Just be patient with him, Yoona, You knew how hard this is for him, His living a guilty life now, he kept on blaming his self on what happened to Taeyeon, and as his friends we must stay strong for him.”

I heard Yoona,and Chanyeol, secretly talking at the kitchen, I knew its not their responsibility to take good care of me, but I’m thankful that they’re still there, specially Yoona.

“Yoona, can I ask something?”

“What is it? Do you need anything?”

“Nothing, I’m just wondering, Why are you doing this to me? I knew that your mad at me for what I’ve done to your best friend, but why are you helping me? Aren’t you suppose to blame me?”

“Baekhyun, the truth is . . .” That afternoon I realize something that I had never imagine Taeyeon would for me.

“Goodnight Baek, just don’t try to ov