xuanmiin: Kwon's point of view. 

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While Ga In was busy working, I had finished combing through the remainder of her diary. I didn’t take an excessively long time, perhaps because for a few days, reading her diary became something like a full time job. Maybe it was also because I was increasingly familiar with what was happening in her life and therefore few things came to me as a surprise.

What I was most concerned about was the years we were apart and how she dealt with them. She had spoken of her reasons why she wound up pushing me away, and what was written was congruent with whatever she had told me, which was comforting. I could guess that she had a few suitors during those three odd years we were apart. While she occasionally agreed to go on dates with them, she would somehow conclude that they were not the ones she wanted. Most of the time they would wind up being compared to me, which made me feel very good, because in her heart, I was the benchmark.

She wrote:

Today, I went on another date with dragonfly. I didn’t actually want to go, but then my unnies said that it was good for me to get out of the house instead of moping around inside the house. But he’s not bad a guy, or at least I don’t think he’s that bad a guy. Plus he seemed genuinely interested in going out for another date with me, so I albeit hesitantly, agreed.

I don’t know, he’s eligible, definitely. And he wasn’t pushy, irritating or disgusting. He was okay, I guess. But we just aren’t on the same wavelength, he doesn’t have an innate understanding of me, we just don’t share that kind of wonderful chemistry. Even I think it’s a bit much to demand for, but after experiencing what I think is wonderful chemistry, it’s difficult to settle for less. He doesn’t make me want to keep talking with him, doesn’t compel me to tell my own stories, and I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable confiding in him. I can’t help but ask for too much, since I know how it feels like to be really comfortable with someone. He doesn’t speak to me the way I like to be spoken to, and doesn’t know what I wish to hear. He doesn’t hold my hand the right way, and I don’t feel secure at all when he hugs me.

Maybe my unnies are right, my standards used to be way too low—as long as they liked me, or claimed that they did, I wouldn’t mind dating them. Suitors were not very common back then. Things happen to be different now, I actually have a choice, but now my standards are much much higher.

I want to get over Kwon, I do. There’s no point in pining for someone you can’t have, someone you don’t have a happy ending with. But I still am, and it’s been years. It hurts.

Some