Eun’s diary

Soondeok’s in the kitchen now, I’ll be helping her make dinner soon. A special guest came over today! The royal physician who helped Soondeok came since he’s on a break and had wanted to have a look at Soondeok’s condition to make sure she’s recovering well. He even praised me for helping my wife recover much faster than he anticipated. I offered him to stay at our place and so we’re preparing a feast of gratitude to him. He is, after all, the person who saved my wife. If it weren’t for him, I suppose Soondeok really could’ve died back then, that’s what all the other doctors have said after we came here.

Yes, he couldn’t save both Soondeok and our child Byul, but I suppose he too felt bad afterwards. There really was nothing he could’ve done then, and I’m grateful he had helped me make the correct decision in such a short time which rescued my wife.

I had a nightmare last night, the worst so far; I dreamt that Soondeok died after giving birth to our son. What have I been doing? For days I’ve been trying to find a way to cure Soondeok’s heart so that she won’t have to take that medicine anymore and we can have kids. But turns out, not having kids may actually be a blessing. I hope Soondeok will understand, I hope grandpa will understand, I hope mum will understand. Soondeok didn’t seem to like the idea, but I’ll try persuading her. I love her, and I won’t let her die like that, not if I can help it. Even if it means I can’t sleep with her ever again, I’ll do that.

Soondeok suggested us moving here, I think it’s a great idea! You know what? Maybe I’ll ask grandpa when I see him next time, we can move out of the capital and we can literally enjoy the scenery here every day! The people here’s much nicer too, to be honest, so I won’t mind moving here. It’ll be even more magnificent when the entire mountain range is covered in snow – yes, today the first snow came and I got to witness it with my wife! How lucky we were!

-------------------------------------------------

Soondeok: “Oppa, you don’t have to help out. We can finish everything ourselves.”

Eun: “Of course I have to! He saved your life! Other doctors had said that if it weren’t for his early treatment, you could’ve died! Deok ah, this is the least I can do.”

Soondeok: “I get it I get it, stay and help if you want. Aigoo, you’ve got flour on your face! Here, let me wipe it off for you… Yuck! Ya! You’ve got egg all over your apron!”

(Eun smiles innocently)

Eun: “I was trying to beat the eggs…”

Maid: “Me lady, do you remember where we put the sausages? I remember we have them somewhere but I’ve forgotten where I left it, aigoo, me and me memories, must be getting old…”

Eun: “Ah! I remember! It’s stored with the rice!”

(Soondeok gets up to get them but Eun stops her)

Eun: “No Deok ah, I’ll go get it.”

Soondeok: “No, it’s alright, I can get it.”

Eun: “Little dove~ Just let me~ Besides, I’m not much of a help in the kitchen anyway…”

Soondeok: “Well, I suppose you’re right. And change your apron too! It looks horrible! Imagine someone seeing a prince walking around like that!”

Eun: “Who cares? And anyway, who says a prince can’t look like this? Who knows? Maybe I’ll even have egg-shells left in my hair next time!”

Soondeok: “Ya~ Oppa, just go already or we won’t be able to finish it all by dinner time!”

Eun: “YES MA’AM! As you commanded!”

(Both of the giggles as Eun leaves the kitchen)

Maid: “His royal highness really did change a lot after marrying you, Me Lady.”

Soondeok: “Did he?”

Maid: “Yes indeed! I’ve been working here since his mother was but a babe and I know the entire household better than the back of my palm! The 10^th prince was a headache you know, whenever we got the news that he’ll be spending time here all the maids and servants would try to leave! Oh you should’ve seen their faces!”

(The maid slaps her thigh as she laughs at what she said.)

Maid: “Aigoo, but now he’s all grown up huh? A real gentlemen he’s become. Oh his father would’ve been proud…”

Soondeok: “Did you know the king?”

Maid: “Of course! Not a talkative man though, quite different from the prince’s mother…anyway…it’s all in the past now, hm? Aigoo, old people like me tend to keep talking about things form the past, right? Dear me dear me…”

(Soondeok suddenly feels sick)

Soondeok: “Uh…what’s that smell? It smells horrible!”

Maid: “Ah, that’s a local dish we have here – it’s wild duck soup – I suppose it’s the first time me lady’s smelt it, right?”

Soondeok: “Yes…do people like this dish here?”

Maid: “Oh yes! It’s considered a delicacy here! You see, we don’t get wild duck flying our way often so…oh you’ll get used to this smell soon enough.”

Soondeok: “I sure hope so…urgh!”

(Maid pats Soondeok on her back)

Maid: “There there dear, take it easy. If you want, you can have some rest, we maids can handle everything well ourselves.”

Soondeok: “No, I’m fine…just fine…”

Maid: “Me lady’s got a weak stomach, no?”

Soondeok: “Well, kind of…I do tend to get sick easily…”

Maid: “Aigoo, I’m sure me lady would be having a hard time when you’re with child then!”

Soondeok: “What do you mean?”

Maid: “Oh but don’t worry, me lady, I know this special formula that can ease your morning sickness, it got passed down from me own mother you see. We all know how horrible these morning sicknesses can get!”

Soondeok: “Morning sickness?”

Maid: “Ay! Morning sickness, something you’ll have when you’re pregnant! Well, I suppose not everyone will have them, but most do. Boy, when I was having me first son I thought I’d die! That feeling of wanting to empty your stomach, uh, terrible! On the bright side, there won’t be any period cramps, that’s something to be thankful for, no? When the prince’s mother was having the prince, she had to take the formula every day to stop herself from-”

(Soondeok’s smile disappears)

Soondeok: “P…Pardon?”

Maid: “What is it me lady? Was it something I said?”

Soondeok: “So…if one’s pregnant…what’s that you say will happen?”

Maid: “Morning sickness, me lady! Good thing is, no period! I used to celebrate on that thought. I had 8 children me-self, you see. Ah, but of course, it’s confirmed by the physician… presence of the baby’s pulse, but the pulse won’t come till the baby’s quite big, you see. For me 4^th son, the doctor couldn’t feel his pulse even when my belly was this big! Ha! But…why…why do you ask, my lady? Do you not know?”

Soondeok: “Then… I…I…I got to go check something.”

(Soondeok runs out of the kitchen. Shortly afterwards, Eun comes in with the sausages.)

Eun: “Hm? Where’s my wife?”

Maid: “She went out, I think she can’t take the smell of the soup just like you did when you first smelt it, your royal highness.”

Eun: “Ah, right! She would’ve felt sick…I’ll find her. Did she go to our room?”

Maid: “I’m afraid I don’t know, your highness.”

(Suddenly someone rushes in)

Servant: “Your royal highness!”

Eun: “What’s wrong?”

Servant: “Your royal highness, you need to do something! Something’s wrong! Lady Soondeok just grabbed a sword and was running towards the Royal Physician’s room!”

Eun: “What?”

Maid: “Oh dear me! She won’t do something like that!”

Servant: “But it’s true! We saw it with our own eyes! Your highness, you better stop her!”

---------------------------------------

(Soondeok enters the room the royal physician’s staying and points the sword at him, ready to slice his throat – she was furious.)

“My…my lady!”

“You snake! You knew, didn’t you? You knew that I was with child but still you gave me that medicine and it took my child’s life! Is it true? TELL ME!”

(The royal physician kneels on the floor)

“My lady! Please forgive your servant! Back then the only way to save your life was by ending the child’s life! Please, you have to believe me!”

(At this, Soondeok drops her sword, feeling as if her soul has left her. She blinks at the confirmation, shocked.)

“So…so it’s true?”

“My lady…”

“I…I thought…I hoped…I had hoped…that it wasn’t true but…”

“Oh my lady…you were not supposed to know! Oh please forgive me!”

“Why…why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me I was with child?! I would’ve refused to take that medicine to save my child, I would’ve! But you! You hid this fact on purpose, didn’t you? Why? Who told you to do this? Tell me! Who was it? The queen? Or was it some other guy who held grudges against my father? Did someone pay you to kill my child if I ever have one??”

“No my lady! Nothing like what you’ve said, I swear! Your servant wanted to tell you too but I couldn’t, please, you’ve got to believe me!”

“How can I believe you after all you’ve done to me? Save my life? Lies! Are you that good at tricking people that not only will they not be angry at you but will thank you instead, thinking that you’ve done them an enormous favour? I’m going to make you pay!”

“Please, my lady! Please spare me!”

“GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON NOT TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR MY CHILD’S LIFE WITH YOUR OWN!”

“I TOLD HIM TO KEEP IT A SECRET!”

(Soondeok turns around and sees Eun running in)

“Soondeok ah, come here you, I have something to say to you.”

(Eun grabs the sword and Soondeok’s wrist, dragging her out of the room)

“NO! Let me go! I’m not finished with him yet! Your highness! LET GO! DON’T YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IT!!”

(Eun shuts the door once they entered their room and pins Soondeok to the wall)

“PARK SOONDEOK! Look at me!”

“I was pregnant, Oppa! Back then at the palace, I was with child, our child! But that man! Oppa, that man killed our child! That man knew that I was pregnant and still he…we need to do something Oppa! We need to arrest him! If we find out who’s behind this, maybe we’ll find out who’s after your highness as well!”

“Shut it, Deok ah! It was me! I told him not to tell you! It was me! ME!! I killed our child! I DID!!”

“Oppa, what nonsense are you talking about? Why would you do that?”

(Eun looks down, trying to blink his tears away)

“I…told him not to tell you, Deok ah, about the child because... If he had told you, you would’ve never taken that medicine, and if that happened, you won’t even be here today, Deok ah…you’d…you’d die…”

(Silence.)

“No…that’s not true…Oppa tell me it’s not true…please tell me it’s not true.”

“I’m sorry, Deok ah, I really am…back then, I had no choice. I can’t see you die, Deok ah, I just can’t. You only had weeks to live if you tried to save our child.”

“Who says? The doctor? Is he god himself? What does he know? Who says he’s right? Who says the child will die? Who says I will die if I choose to keep our baby? And you…no…you wouldn’t do that, Oppa, you would’ve never done something like that to me. Never!”

(Soondeok tries to break free but Eun won’t let her)

“Honey. I’m sorry…”

(Soondeok starts to cry)

“No, Oppa, you won’t do that! You won’t kill our child, would you? No! The husband I know would’ve never done something like that! Oppa! Tell me you didn’t!”

“It was the only way to save you! I too didn’t want to kill our child! But I had no choice, NO CHOICE! And today, even if I were to choose again, I would’ve done the same.”

(Silence. Soondeok chokes on her words as she lets the entire situation sink in.)

“H…how could you? How could you not tell me, your highness?”

“How could I? You were so weak…I didn’t want to see you in pain like this. I didn’t want to see you blame yourself for the loss… like I did.”

“But I am the blame, Oppa! I killed our child by not knowing…like an idiot…It’s all my fault! If only I…if only I…”

“No Deok ah, don’t blame yourself!”

(Soondeok pushes Eun away in tears)

“That’s why I told your highness to let me go! To let me go! Why wouldn’t you listen to me? I said this would happen before, didn’t I? Back then when you tried to make me stay! I told you! Us being together will only bring more pain and suffering! Why didn’t you let me go then??? WHY?????”

“Deok ah, calm down-”

“I can’t live with you anymore, your highness! I can’t live with you anymore, let’s end this!”

“Soondeok ah! Calm down! Listen to me!”

“How can I live with you? How do you expect me to talk to you, to smile at you like before? Every time I look at you I’ll think of our child…how I killed our child…I’m sure that’s what you feel too, right? The past 2 months you’ve been staying away from me…the real reason…that was the real reason.”

“No it’s not…Deok ah, listen to me-”

“I’ll be punished for the sins I’ve committed…I’ll surely go to hell after I die-”

“YA! Park Soondeok!”

“What more do you want from me, your highness? I…I was a child who came to this world by killing my mother…and now I’ve become a mother who killed her own child in order to live...”

“No, Deok ah, don’t think of it like that, it’s different-”

“What’s different? Tell me! 2 crimes I’ve committed…I don’t want to add more to it…I don’t want to be called the woman who failed to give her husband a child, who failed to help her husband carry on the bloodline as well…”

(Soondeok pushes Eun aside and starts to pack up – she wants to leave, she wants to forget everything, she wants some time alone. Eun grabs her by her arm and made her look at him.)

“Honey! Soondeok ah! Listen to me first, alright?”

(Soondeok stares weakly and coldly at Eun)

“Let go of your hand. What right do you have to touch me? What right do you have to call me honey? What right do you have…to still be here in front of me?”

“Try to think of it in my shoes, Deok ah! Stop being so selfish and think about me! What I’ve been through! You think it was an easy decision to make? I blamed myself for days afterwards, Deok ah! In fact, I still do! You think you’re the only one who suffered? My heart felt like it’s been stabbed for hundreds of times ever since! I didn’t want to lose you, Deok ah! I love you! I did what I had to, can you really not understand? Can you really not forgive your husband for doing this?”

“Then think about it from my view, your highness…wouldn’t you have felt the same as I did? Feeling just as sad, as angry, as betrayed as I am now?”

“Honey…I only did that because I love you, very very much.”

“Love? Is this love? Yes, indeed it’s love, your highness, you love yourself, that’s what.”

“Soondeok ah!”

“Am I wrong? You say you love me but in fact, you’re loving yourself more. You didn’t want someone close to you to die again. You didn’t want to be left alone. You didn’t want to feel the pain of separation again. Isn’t that why you saved me? Not because of the great love you’re talking about, but the desire you have for yourself.”

(Eun can’t say anything to his wife – for she is right. She knows him so well, she saw everything on his mind – his true self.)

“You say you didn’t want to lose me…I’m sorry, your highness, you just did. An eye for an eye. A life for a life.”

(Soondeok slowly picks up the sword.)

“SOONDEOK AH!!”

(The moment Soondeok pulls the sword to herself, Eun reaches out for her wrist and knocks it hard and twists it back, making his wife drop the sword. He then binds her hands together with his.)

“Deok ah! Think about our child! Our child didn’t die just for you to kill yourself!!!!”

“LET GO YOU! I SAY LET GO! LET GO YOU MONSTER!”

“I’m not letting go until you’ve come back to your senses!!”

“Let me go! Just let me die! Let me go to our child! Just let me!!!”

(Eun keeps Soondeok close to himself, not letting her go. After some time of struggling, wailing, screaming…Soondeok gives up and slumps onto the floor in exhaustion, staring out blankly. Then finally she says.)

“I don’t want to see you anymore…”

“Honey…”

“Until I go and find you, stay away from me. Until I want to see you again, stay out of my sight, or I really will kill you, your highness…I really will. Then next myself…”

“Soondeok ah…”

“Stay away from me…until I once again have found a reason to see you…”

(Soondeok tries to get up and leave the room but Eun halts her)

“Deok ah, I get it, you need some time alone...you stay here, I’ll leave.”

(Eun carries Soondeok to her bed for she was too weak to move, helps her settle and then leaves the room. Outside, people working for the household were waiting.)

Royal Physician: “Oh my Lord! Please forgive your servant!”

Eun: “Please, please do get up, it’s alright…it’s not your fault.”

Royal Physician: “Your highness…”

Eun: “I’m sorry this has come up during your stay here…Butler.”

Butler: “Yes, your royal highness.”

Eun: “Find a comfortable place for him to stay tonight, a good inn, I’ll pay for everything. And find someone to stay with my wife, make sure she doesn’t hurt herself. Understand?”

Butler: “Yes, your highness!”

Eun: “Everyone here please bear in mind, don’t mention about me in front of my wife – understand?”

All: “Yes, your royal highness!”

Eun: “Good…”

(Eun looks up at the golden sky – snow is falling, yet the heavy clouds still couldn’t block the brilliance of the setting sun. He smiles, finally feeling lighter, as if a heavy rock has been removed from his shoulder. At last, he can sleep in peace that evening.)