Eun’s diary

Soondeok looked so hot and y last night – I don’t know whether I should thank mother or not. My wife drank pretty much all the wine and ended up…drunk. Gosh, the way she kissed me, the way she did it so beautifully, the way it tortured me so! Should I just…like what Yixing said, do it? I mean, she’s healthy enough now. Man! All these thoughts won’t leave me! I don’t think I can survive another night sleeping next to Soondeok anymore. Why is it so hard to be a man? And you know what’s more annoying? This morning I went to the palace to solve the money problem and when I returned in the afternoon, Soondeok greeted me as if nothing had happened! NOTHING HAD HAPPENED! She literally forgot EVERYTHING! I’M the one suffering now! And you know what nonsense I heard last night? I reckon Bogum actually likes Soondeok! No, from his action towards me last time, I’m sure he loves Soondeok. How dare he? How dare he drinks with Soondeok and carried her back to bed when I’m away? That punk! I ought to break his jaws! To be honest, when I heard the midnight bell last night, I was down, I really didn’t want the day to end. Should I just make every day husband day? Should I have Soondeok call me husband from now on instead of Oppa? Should I tell her to do so even though I still couldn’t bring myself to say the words ‘I love you’ to her?

Soondeok’s diary

I slept for ages but I still feel tired, why’s that? This morning when I woke up, the prince’s already gone to the palace and it’s already noon, with the sun high up in the sky. I can’t remember what happened last night…all I remember was…we were having this drinking contest, then Eun told me to kiss him so I faked it and then escaped to the bed…did I fall asleep after that? There’re all these red marks on my neck this morning when I woke up…did I pinch myself? But…they’re not exactly bruises… Allergy? Am I allergic to something I’ve eaten? Yet it’s not itchy.

I haven’t asked Eun yet, about what happened last night. Come to think of it, maybe it’s a good thing I don’t remember it at all. The prince is once again my Oppa, I feel more comfortable calling him that. The words honey and husband is just too mushy, it gives me goosebumps. Silly girl aren’t I? I love this man, I love him with all my heart, but I just can’t express it in words easily…

Like a real man, Eun solved the family’s financial problem this morning – without mother knowing, I’m so glad he took the matter into his hands as he had promised. That’s the thing I like about him, whatever he promises, he’ll do, he’s someone I can truly trust. Yet, why can’t I bring myself to tell him about me sneaking into the palace? Was it because I’m afraid he’ll stop me? I suppose not. I guess I’m worried that once he knows all the bad things Queen Yoo has done to his mother, he’ll really march up to her and hurt her – then that’ll really put him to prison and have his title removed. I can’t let that happen. Oh, someone’s calling me.

Oh my gosh!!! Guess who just stopped by? Prince So!!! He said that he’s finally on a holiday and wanted to go hunting with me! I agreed instantly, even Eun smiled as he permits me to go, I can’t wait!! We’ll go to the mountains and hunt! How awesome is that? If only Eun would come with me as well…it’d be so much fun! I begged him to come but he refused…Oh well. There’s not much to hunt in winter actually, but the thing with winter hunts is that we get to enjoy the scenery as we search for animals – the amazing sight of a snow-covered world. I just can’t wait!!!

---------------------------------

‘Huh? Soondeok ah, you’re sleeping already?’

‘Oppa, I’m tired.’

‘Tired? Ya, you slept for ages this morning! I heard you woke up at noon today, yet you say you’re tired?’

‘Maybe it’s not my body that’s tired…maybe it’s my soul…anyway, I just am, Oppa. Oh, it feels so good to sleep on the floor again.’

‘Fine, then I’ll sleep too. I’m blowing the candles out then.’

(Eun gets on bed then blows the candle out)

‘Oppa, do you have red marks on your neck?’

‘Me? No, why?’

‘Just asking…I was afraid it’s some sort of allergy, because I’ve got a few. I’m glad you don’t have any.’

‘Soondeok ah, let me ask you one last time. Can you really NOT remember anything from last night?’

‘How many times have I told you, Oppa? I can’t remember! All I remember was that I kissed you then escaped to bed. I really have no idea what happened after that.’

‘Aigoo…aigoo…from now on, wine is prohibited I tell you, PROHIBITED!’

‘Why?’

‘It’s too dangerous. Who knows what mother will put in next time!’

‘Mother put something in it?’

‘Never mind…just…whatever.’

‘Oppa, I remember had a weird dream though.’

‘Oh? What is it?’

‘I dreamt that…I dreamt that…I was…’

‘What? Oh, come on and just say it!’

‘Nothing…’

‘Ya! Park Soondeok! You know what’s 2 of the things I hate most in this world? One, it’s that you say you have something you want to share but then you don’t. Two, when you gave me hope that you’ll kiss me but then you don’t!’

‘First kiss is something special, isn’t it? I just wanted to save it for the best moment.’

‘Nonsense, every moment with you is the best moment, Deok ah.’

(Awkward silence)

‘W-What did you say, your highness?’

‘F…Forget it if you didn’t catch it.’

‘Look at you, pretending you didn’t say it. I heard it, Oppa. I just wanted to hear it again, that’s all. Oppa, since when did you start coming up with these mushy lines?’

‘I’m a love expert, didn’t my friend say so?’

‘Ahh, I remember, it was super funny back then, you pretending to love me like mad. Can we invite them over again?’

‘No.’

‘Please?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I hate to see you looking at other men.’

‘Oooooh, you’re jealous are you not, Oppa?’

‘Of course not! It’s just that…you’re like…my toys! Yes, I hate other people touching and looking at what’s mine.’

‘I see…’

(Silence)

‘I’m pregnant, Oppa.’

‘What?’

‘In my dream…’

‘Ah…that…you scared me. Wait, what? You’re telling me now? I thought you didn’t want to.’

‘I…I can’t remember much…but I’m pregnant, I could feel the baby kicking inside me. I was sitting in a bedroom when Prince Jung came in…I forgot what happened next.’

‘Jung? My brother Jung?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s weird, what’s he doing in your dream?’

‘How am I supposed to know? It’s not like I can decide what to dream about – that’s why dreams are called dreams.’

‘What about me? Where was I?’

‘I…I don’t remember seeing you in that dream…maybe you did appear, it’s just that I can’t remember.’

‘You remember Jung but not me…’

‘Oppa, that’s the thing with dreams. We wake up, it disappears. You can’t blame me…’

‘I know I know…still…I can’t help but feel upset.’

‘What could this dream mean, Oppa?’

‘I don’t know…’

‘Could it be a sign, your highness?’

‘A sign for what? You being pregnant? Ha! Not surprised! After what you’ve done last night.’

‘What did I do last night?’

‘Not important…do you want to? Have kids, I mean. You didn’t want to before, but now…’

‘Don’t know, maybe… Oppa, wouldn’t it be nice? To have kids without waiting?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, wouldn’t it be nice if we can have kids instantly? Like what you get with a magic wand! That way parents won’t have to wait for months till the baby is born. And no pain!’

‘So you didn’t want to have kids because you’re scared of the pain? Ya, you’ll have to go through it sooner or later anyway!’

‘Easy for you to say! You won’t be the one carrying a life for months then go through the pain during delivery! Oppa, do you know how painful it is? It’s like period cramps, only a hundred times worse!’

‘I admit it’ll hurt…but Soondeok ah, no pain no gain. That’s how things run I this world, you need to wait, you need to sacrifice something to gain something, let go of something to protect something…a huge gift like a baby requires a huge pain.’

‘It’s not fair…why do girls have to go through all that? We go through it every month already…’

‘We boys go through a different kind of pain, Soondeok ah.’

(Silence)

‘Oppa. Come to think of it…His majesty said that once…you need to sacrifice something to gain something…’

‘Who? My brother?’

‘No…your father.’

‘Him? I don’t remember him saying that to us when we met him together. Have you met him alone before?’

‘I…never mind.’

‘Soondeok ah, did you?’

‘Yes, it was for a brief moment. He said he had to protect you…in order to protect you, he had to sacrifice mother.’

‘Don’t believe in that garbage, he’s just trying to make you think better of him. Soondeok ah, my father is a man without a heart, he’ll do anything to stay on the throne, he doesn’t care if his sons kill off each other for the throne as long as he can stay on it himself. Why? Because he’s obsessed with power.’

‘Your highness…have you ever thought about how lonely the king had been? He’s got no one to trust, no one to talk to, no one to pour his heart out with…he’s all alone, with threats coming everywhere. He lived in fear, day and night, he can’t show his love to anyone because his enemy will take away what he loves.’

‘He brought this to himself…no pain no gain. A life for a life, he gave up his life as a father for a life as a king, he deserved it, I don’t feel sorry at all.’

(Silence)

‘A life…for a life…don’t you think heaven is too cruel sometimes? By bringing me into this world…mother’s taken away.’

‘Deok ah, stop thinking your mother died because of you, it hurts me to know you think so.’

(Silence)

‘Oppa, what if I die when our child is born?’

‘What?’

‘The way mother died when I was born…what if I die when our child is born as well?’

‘Nonsense! I won’t let that happen, I won’t!’

‘It’s not like you can stop it. And, it’s possible…given that my heart…’

‘Soondeok ah, I don’t want to hear it anymore. Let’s talk about something else.’

‘But still, if you ask me again, if you make me choose again, I’ll choose to have the baby, even if I have to die.’

(Eun sits up on his bed)

‘Soondeok ah! I mean it! Cut it out!’

‘That way, mother will be happy – to have the grandchild she’s always wanted and your highness will have someone to play with…that way Oppa won’t be lonely even when I’m away.’

‘S…Soondeok ah…’

(Silence. Eun lowers his hand and reaches for Soondeok’s, holding it tight)

‘Soondeok ah. Is that why? Is that why you didn’t want to have kids? Your real reason? You’re…scared that you’ll die?’

‘Y…yes…I was scared.’

‘I should’ve known…I’ve been so blind, all this time…I’m sorry.’

‘I was scared I’ll die. I was scared I will leave you, that I’ll never see you again. I was scared your highness will forget about me after I’m gone… But not anymore. Isn’t it interesting? There’s something much greater than fear in this world – I suppose love is greater than fear. Love makes you do things you’ve never thought you’re capable of doing.’

‘I’m sorry, Soondeok ah…I didn’t realize…I didn’t realize you have this fear in you. And all this time I’ve been thinking only of myself…’

(Silence)

‘Oppa, promise me you’ll remarry after I die, should I die having kids.’

‘I won’t, you know I won’t, Soondeok ah.’

‘I’m not asking if you will, Oppa, I’m asking you to.’

‘Let’s not talk about this, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to think of you leaving me.’

(Soondeok sits up)

‘Oppa…please…listen to me. If we really are blessed with a child…if I die…and the child survives, please marry someone. I grew up without a mother, I don’t want my child to go through that pain as well. I want my child to have someone to call “mother”, I want my child to have a nice family, I want my child to have a mother to pick him up and comfort him when he falls down, I want my child to have joyful birthdays instead of sad ones.’

‘Then about you? Will you be happy in heaven seeing me in another woman’s embrace? Will you not be hurt seeing me calling another woman as my wife? Could you bear the sight of your child calling another woman “mother”?’

‘I’d be glad, if I know our child is having a good life because of it.’

(Eun tears up and runs outside the room, Soondeok follows. She sees him sobbing under the tree – the tree Prince So had given them as a wedding gift. Soondeok walks over and hugs him from behind.)

‘Oppa, please don’t cry…I’m not saying it will happen…I’m just saying in case it happens…’

‘How…how can I do that? How can I marry someone else? How can I even think about marrying someone else when you’re still here with me? It’s like betraying you…I can’t…I don’t want to…I won’t! I will take care of our child myself, I will take care of our child, I don’t need anyone else.’

‘Oppa, promise me, please. My father too thought he could take care of me himself…he too tried to give me all he could…but a mother is a mother, there’s something a father cannot replace. Oppa, please promise me that. Not as my Oppa...but as my husband, please promise me you’ll look after our child and give him a mother who’ll love him as if he’s her own.’

(Eun turns around and embraces Soondeok)

‘I…I promise, not because I want to, but because you told me to.’

‘Thank you. I love you, your highness. I love you, with all my heart.’

‘I…Soondeok ah, I…too…’

‘I’m sorry I talked about it even when you didn’t want to. I shan’t talk about it again. Let’s get back inside, my love.’

(In Eun’s heart, there comes a soft whisper, so soft that even Eun didn’t seem to realize)

‘I love you, Soondeok ah.’