Why am I always so helpless, so useless?

Diary Entry - Eundeok Married Life (Baekhera)

Previously....

‘Oppa, we have to leave here, now!’

(Soondeok holds his hand to run, just as she’s about to take off with her husband, she hears an arrow shooting Eun’s way so she pulls him behind her with all her might…and the arrow shot right at her chest, forcing her to stumble backward.)

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‘Deok ah! Soondeok ah! No no no no! How did this…I…Deok ah, open your eyes! DEOK AH!’

(Eun keeps screaming for his wife. Just then, Prince So and Haesoo appears, shocked at the scene. Immediately Prince So spots the person behind the wall and chases after him.)

Soondeok: ‘Y….your….your highness…are…you alright?’

(Soondeok reaches for Eun’s face, trying to see if he’s hurt or not. Eun’s face quivers.)

Eun: ‘I should be the one asking, Deok ah! Soo, call for a doctor now!’

Haesoo: ‘Yes, your highness! The medical room is not too far away, you can take Lady Soondeok there, I’ll find a doctor now!’

(Haesoo goes off to find help)

‘I’ll carry you, Deok ah.’

‘Oppa…’

‘Shh, don’t talk now, let’s get you inside first.’

‘Oppa…I…’

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(Eun lets Soondeok lie down in the medical room then kneels beside her, holding her hands)

‘Everything will be alright, Deok ah…’

‘Oppa…I’m sorry…to have you worried about me…again…’

‘Shhh, don’t say something like that, it’s alright, all will be alright.’

‘I’m sorry…’

‘Honey, don’t apologize.’

(Soondeok’s eyes closing slowly)

‘S…Soon…Soondeok ah…don’t sleep, okay? Don’t sleep, you can’t sleep now.’

(Soondeok slightly opens her eyes)

‘But…I feel so sleepy now…’

(Eun blinks his tears away)

‘I know honey, but not now, don’t fall asleep now or…’

(Eun cannot bring himself to finish the sentence)

‘Your highness…I…I have something to say…’

‘Yes, say it, say anything. That will keep you awake.’

‘After I go…’

‘You won’t!’

‘My ashes…take me to the middle lands…where Yixing Orabeoni is…’

‘Deok ah…’

‘So you can stay there…Goryeo is too dangerous…too dangerous for you, your highness.’

‘Honey. You shouldn’t be worried about me now, and you shouldn’t talk about death either-’

‘These past 2 years…have been… the most wonderful…the most wonderful time of my life…being with your highness.’

(Eun breaks down into tears)

‘Deok ah…it’s only been 2 years…we’ve promised each other to stay together for a very very long time, remember?’

‘I remember…we promised to…to stay together…till the end of our time…’

(Soondeok weakly wipes Eun’s tears away, she feels that this is it, her last words)

‘But sadly…it seems like…the end of my time…is not…the end of your time…your highness…’

‘Wife…’

(Eun holds her hand tightly to his face, not taking his eyes off of her, not letting her hand go. Soondeok grunts at the pain, her face scrunches up hard.)

‘Deok ah! You alright?’

(Soondeok nods after taking several shallow breaths, Eun cannot contain his emotions, his tears no longer held back)

‘Your highness…please smile…the last thing I want to remember of you…is your smile…your beautiful…smi-’

(Soondeok’s words slowly become whispers)

‘I won’t let you leave like this, Deok ah. I’m supposed to be the one getting shot! Why did you-’

‘Because it’s my job…to protect you.’

‘You’ll get well, honey, the doctor is coming, he’ll fix everything.’

‘I…I grew up…in the army…I know… how deep it is…your highness…I think…it has reached… my heart…soon…it’ll stop…’

(The stabbing pain makes Soondeok groan yet again, she tries to hold it in, not wishing for Eun to see her like this)

‘Your highness. Take care of mother and father for me…’

(Tears roll down, though Soondeok’s been using all her will to stop it from happening)

‘And yourself…remember to eat well…’

‘Soondeok ah, I don’t want to hear you say these things. You won’t die! I won’t let you! We still have so many things left to do! What about the house? And the kids we’ll adopt! You said you want the whole house full of kids!’

(Soondeok wipes away his tears)

‘I love you…’

‘Soondeok ah…’

‘Fear not…your highness…in my next life…I won’t…I won’t… bother you anymore, I promise. I’ll beg the heavens…to not let me…meet you again…then…you won’t be hurt… because of me…ever…’

(Then Soondeok was too weak to say anything else, she fell into a deep deep sleep)

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Haesoo: ‘Your highness! The doctor is here!’

Eun: ‘Please save my wife! She…she won’t open her eyes now…Please…’

(The doctor feels for her pulse and takes a look at the arrow – then shakes his head)

Doctor: ‘I’m afraid there’s nothing much I can do now, your highness…we’re too late.’

(Eun grabs him by the collar in rage)

Eun: ‘You’re a doctor! How can you say such a thing? You want to die? If my wife dies, I’ll kill you as well, understand?’

Doctor: ‘Forgive me, your highness! There really isn’t anything your servant can do! The arrow has reached her heart already, though it may not have gone right through it. The heart will soon stop beating.’

Eun: ‘Then pull the arrow out!’

Doctor: ‘After which my lady may die from excessive bleeding, or the blood may flood inside the chest and stop the lungs from expanding and-’

Eun: ‘THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? WATCH HER DIE IN FRONT OF ME?’

Doctor: ‘Your highness…the lady is in pain…rather than extending her pain, it’s best to just-’

(Eun turns to look at his wife, not wanting to hear the rest.)

Eun: ‘Soo! Drag him out, we don’t need him here anymore!’

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(Haesoo sees Eun break the arrow in half and throws one half down on the ground. Then he precedes in trying to pull the rest of the arrow out. Haesoo rushes forward to stop him.)

Haesoo: ‘Your highness! What are you doing? Don’t tell me you’re-’

Eun: ‘If no one will save her, I will.’

Haesoo: ‘But the doctor said-’

(Eun stands up)

Eun: ‘I KNOW WHAT HE’S SAID! I know! Right now, I have to prove him wrong! Will you help me or not? If you won’t, then you can get out as well!’

(Eun once again tries to pull the arrow out but Haesoo stops him yet again)

Haesoo: ‘It’ll be nothing but another painful experience for her, your highness. Don’t you think it’s best to let her go in peace? You’ve done all you can.’

Eun: ‘Get out! GET OUT!’

Haesoo: ‘You should know! What’s best for her…your highness…she’s the woman you love…’

(Haesoo looks deeply into Eun’s eyes.)

Haesoo: ‘Your highness…’

Eun: ‘I just want to try…to save her…why is it that I’m always so helpless…so useless? WHY???’

(Eun wipes his tears away with his sleeves, full of anger, full of despair, full of uncertainties, his hand unsteady as he grabs hold of the arrow. Haesoo stands up.)

Haesoo: ‘Then I’ll help you, your highness.’

(Eun looks up at Haesoo. Haesoo nods)

Haesoo: ‘You can’t do this alone. I’ll boil the water now and get some clean cloth too, wait for me. Meanwhile, please search this room and see if there are anything we can use, clean ones. Sharp knife and such…and also needle and thread, we may need it.’

Eun: ‘Soo ah…’

Haesoo: ‘But promise me this. Don’t blame yourself…if things don’t turn out well.’

(Then Haesoo hurries out to get things prepared)

Eun: ‘I’ll take the arrow out, Deok ah, you don’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll save you. I’ll save you…I won’t cry now…I’ll stop crying…Hold on a bit longer…just a bit longer.’

(The doctor comes in, Eun turns to look at him and speaks to him coldly.)

Eun: ‘What do you want?’

Doctor: ‘Do you really want to do this, your highness? Do you really want to, even if it’s that risky?’

Eun: ‘Y…yes.’

Doctor: ‘Then allow your servant to help, your highness.’

Eun: ‘But I thought-’

Doctor: ‘One’s skills won’t cure a patient, it’s one’s mentality – their will – that cures the patient. If this is what your highness really wants to do, I will give you a helping hand.’

Eun: ‘What made you change your mind?’

Doctor: ‘You said you wanted to save her, your highness. I too would’ve wanted to do the same if I were you…though I don’t usually agree with this – this risky procedures and such. But if it must be done, I suppose my skills will be much better than your highness’.’

Eun: ‘Then…’

Doctor: ‘The chances are slim, but not entirely absent – I’ve studied on such procedure before. I’ll try my best, your highness. Now I’ll have to see if there are blood-stopping herbs here. Please get more candles in here, your highness, we need to work through the night I’m afraid. And get a blanket too, the last thing we need is for the lady to die because of cold.’

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Eun: ‘Why hasn’t it stopped bleeding?’

Doctor: ‘This won’t do, we need stronger herbs. But this is all we have now. Your highness, press down harder, but not too hard or you’ll break her rib cage!’’

Eun: ‘What…what else should I do now?’

Doctor: ‘Pray. There’s nothing we can do now.’

Eun: ‘Doctor, in my coat, there’s a pill there, maybe that pill can stop the bleeding.’

(Doctor takes the pill out and smells it)

Doctor: ‘What’s in this?’

Eun: ‘Not sure.’

Doctor: ‘We’ll have to try anyway. At this rate, the lady will not last another hour.’

(The doctor quickly grinds the pill into powder and applies it to the wound)

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(Midnight, bleeding stops, Soondeok’s pulse becoming more and more stable though still extremely weak. Eun keeps praying beside her, the blood on his hand dries, sticking his hand onto Soondeok’s, but he doesn’t mind. He won’t let go. Not if he can help it.)

Doctor: ‘Once my lady is well enough to travel, please return to the capital, your highness.’

Eun: ‘Wouldn’t it be better for her to recover here?’

Doctor: ‘What we did just then won’t cure her, your highness, it was just to save her. Recovering here is nice, but leaving a patient here without getting proper treatment is equal to killing the patient. So you must return as soon as possible.’

Eun: ‘I understand.’

Doctor: ‘I will return tomorrow, if anything goes wrong tonight, please send for me.’

Eun: ‘I will.’

(Doctor leaves. Haesoo comes in)

Haesoo: ‘Your highness…Prince So is back. He…he has something to say to you.’

Eun: ‘I can’t leave her.’

Haesoo: ‘I’ll take care of her, your highness. Talk to the prince, and…get changed too, have some food as well. Lady Soondeok will not be pleased if she knows you’ve been in this state while taking care of her.’

(Eun sighs then slowly, carefully, pulls his hand away from his wife’s, staggering a bit out the door. Prince So is outside.)

‘Eun ah.’

‘Hyung-nim…’

‘Let’s have you washed up first, and have some food in our room. I’ll tell you everything then.’

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‘So…so you’re saying that…what you’re saying is…they were supposed to kill you?’

(Silence)

‘Hyung-nim…’

‘Yes. They didn’t know you and Soondeok were here as well…they thought it was just Haesoo and I…’

‘Then…my wife…why…why is she going through all this?’

‘Eun ah.’

‘WHY?!’

(Silence)

‘Eun ah, it’s all my fault, they followed me here. I’m so sorry…’

‘Where is he? I’ll break every single bone of his-’

‘I’m afraid it’s too late.’

‘What?’

‘Someone got rid of him before I reached him. All we got was this letter.’

‘Who do you think is behind this, hyung-nim?’

‘It’ll take some time to find out…I’ll do everything I can after going back to the palace...after Soondeok’s well again that is.’

(Silence)

‘Hyung-nim…take Haesoo back to the capital when morning comes.’

‘But what about you guys? We can’t possibly leave just like that.’

‘You do realize that wasn’t a suggestion, hyung-nim. That was a statement.’

‘Eun ah…’

‘Leave us, before anyone else gets hurt. Keep Haesoo safe…you too, be safe. We’ll never know when they’ll send someone else after you, hyung-nim. Be careful when you return.’

(Eun slowly gets up, half-laughing at himself.)

‘I suppose that makes us even then…I made you take off your mask on my birthday…it must’ve hurt you so…that moment. I understand it now.’

‘Eun…Eun ah.’

(Eun continues to walk out the door, he wants some time alone.)

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SPEEEDYGONZALES #1
Chapter 131: Thank us for reading? Thank YOU for creating a story as consistent and well-fitting for the characters Baekhera were able to portray. You write so well and stay true to their personality from the start to the end, I enjoyed reading this book so much. Tbh, The chapter count surprised me and I didn’t think I’d be able to finish it because I was only looking for a small fanfic to satisfy my Baekhera fantasies yet you accomplished that and more! Your story was captivating and well paced, I finished the book in three days! I don’t think many got to fully appreciate I you so on behalf of us shippers, I thank you! ;)
KimN97 #2
Chapter 131: Beautiful story. For so long I looked for a story to read for this couple. You gave them the story and ending they deserved 🥰 can’t wait for the sequel
KeemNoona #3
❤️❤️❤️
ezakimsoo #4
I cant believe this ended already
ezakimsoo #5
I cant believe this ended already
Turellia_Del_Rynn #6
Chapter 131: Thank you so much to have written this! I’ve been reading this fic for a month and I sure enjoyed every second of it ?!
SabrinaM
#7
Chapter 131: Thanks to you we, Baekhera shippers, got to spend an amazing time while reading your fiction!
Thanks to you again, a lot ?
PS: WE NEED AN EPILOGUE WITH SOME BABIES!!!!
KimFaSooBaek
#8
Chapter 131: THANK YOU SO MUCHHHHHHHHHH
ezakimsoo #9
Chapter 131: Wheres the baby?? I need spin off?
pandaxonce
1241 streak #10
Chapter 131: Thank you so much for this ^^