Soondeok’s diary

I’ll be leaving soon, I think Prince So and I will go hunting for 3 days or so. I can’t wait! I’m glad I feel good enough for it, I haven’t had a single chest pain for a whole week! How wonderful is that? Heaven must’ve heard my prayer. I feel bad leaving Eun here though…but I doubt he’ll be lonely, he’s gonna visit Haesoo in the teahouse, I’m sure of it. I hope he can spend more time with his friends as well when I’m away. Mother gave me a new coat for this hunt, I’m so thankful, she’s just like my real mother, heaven bless her.

The prince left early this morning, I don’t know where he went, but before he left, he told me to have fun, gave me a hug and made me promise I’ll return safely. He nagged quite a bit this morning, reminding me to bring such and such, just like my Oraboni used to do. Oh, I think I have to go now.

Eun’s diary

Soondeok’s gone by the time I returned from the inn, I watched another show there – musicians from the south this time. Why did I leave early though? Was it because I wanted to listen to music at the inn? Or was it because I didn’t want to see the sight of Soondeok leaving? The room felt empty without Soondeok…I guess I’ve gotten used to her following me around. That feeling I had when I travelled to get Soondeok’s herbs came back to me all at once. How am I supposed to fall asleep tonight with no one to talk to? Who will I hug tonight before I sleep? I played with Mongryong all day but still…when night time came, I felt lonely. Maybe I should’ve gone with them…stupid idiot! I should’ve gone! How could I have let Soondeok gone by herself? Why in the world did I allow it? Now both of them are probably somewhere in the middle of nowhere…chatting, having a nice time…what if hyung does something towards her? What if…darn it! I should’ve gone! I really should’ve followed Soondeok, even if it meant riding for hours in this freezing weather! I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until she gets back…I’ll definitely go next time!

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(Eun goes to find mother in her room)

‘Mother.’

‘Oh…Eun…Eun ah, what are you doing here?’

‘I just wanted to ask if mother cared to come to the park with me.’

‘I’d love to, dear…but I can’t today. Sorry.’

(Eun looks around and sees there are 2 tea cups on the table)

‘Did you have guest? I didn’t know.’

‘Guest? What guest?’

‘Tea cups, there’re two here. Where’s that guest? I’d like to meet her.’

‘Eun ah…please just go for now.’

‘Who is it?’

‘It’s none of your concern.’

‘That’s weird… is it someone I’m not supposed to meet?’

‘Eun ah…’

‘Then why is she hiding now?’

‘Eun ah…that’s because…’

‘Wait…mother, are you meeting a man? Is that why?’

‘Eun ah, it’s not what you think it is.’

‘A man? So it’s a man? You’re meeting someone? You’re dating someone?’

‘Eun ah! I told you it’s not!’

‘Why deny it? I wouldn’t mind if it’s really so, after all that father has done to you, it’s about time you get yourself a new man.’

(Sound of someone sneezing in the closet)

‘So someone’s hiding in the closet?’

‘Eun ah, don’t!’

(Eun walks over and pulls the lady out of the closet)

‘You…you’re a…girl…have we met before?’

‘Eun ah! I told you to leave! Leave! Now!’

(Eun pays no attention)

‘You, you there, tell me who you are. Tell me or I’ll arrest you.’

‘Eun ah…listen to me, listen to mother...’

‘Mother, you stay out of this!’

‘Son! It’s for your own good!’

‘Your highness…I…I…’

‘Yes, tell me, who are you? What are you doing here? Why are you here?’

‘My mother…was your maid…your highness…back in the palace…before she died…’

(Eun’s face turns pale. His entire body falls victim to shivering. He stumbles out of the room, then he faints.)

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‘Soondeok ah, we’ve got enough wood for tonight, come over here and sit by the fire. Here, sit here.’

‘Thanks, your highness.’

‘Aigoo, our Soondeok, when we first went hunting together, you were but a little girl. Now, you’ve grown into a young lady, huh?’

‘Oraboni used to come with us too…sometimes father as well.’

‘Yeah…those were the good old times. If only we can go back…’

‘Are you tired, your highness?’

‘No, not at all. I’m not tired now, I can stay up for a bit.’

‘No, your highness…I mean…as in, your life now. I know you don’t like the palace, yet now you’re living there, helping the king and all…you must be real tired.’

‘Yes, you know me so well, Deok ah…that I’ve got to admit. Thanks to you, I’ve got to rest a bit, coming to this hunt.’

‘I’m glad, your highness.’

‘Soon…Soondeok ah.’

‘Yes, your highness.’

‘Call me Oraboni from now on.’

‘What?’

‘I’ve known you since you were 7, to be honest, I think I’m closer to you as an Oraboni than Mindeok hyung. Don’t you think I’m qualified to be your older brother too?’

‘It’s fine by me…but you’re a prince…’

‘I want you to call me that, keeps my mind off the palace matters for a while, would you do that for me? Please?’

‘I’d be honoured, Oraboni.’

(So pats Soondeok’s head)

‘Aigoo, our cute little sis.’

(Sound of wolf howling)

‘Awwwwoooo!!!!’

‘Oraboni!’

‘I’m just talking with them. Hahahahaha!’

‘You scared me, oraboni.’

‘Ah, I remember now, that time – remember when you saved me from the wolves? Thanks to you, I made it out alive.’

‘They were just mean, how can your family make you go there by yourself? They could’ve killed you.’

‘That’s what they wanted, to have me dead…anyway, thanks. If you hadn’t been so naughty back then and followed me…I guess I won’t be sitting here now.’

‘Following you is not being naughty…’

‘Oh yeah? You sneaked out of the house in the middle of the night!’

‘Father didn’t know so it’s alright...’

‘And after that, people started calling me Wolf Dog, funny right? If I remember correctly, that night you killed more wolves than I did! You should be the one with that title!’

‘Wolf Dog suits you, Oraboni.’

‘If only people weren’t so scared of my scar…’

‘I wasn’t scared, Oraboni, it never scared me. In fact, I find it kinda manly on you.’

‘Really?’

‘Will I lie about that?’

‘Ya…Soondeok ah, this won’t do. Eun will get jealous, hearing you call another man ‘manly’, huh?’

‘Maybe…’

‘How are you two getting along?’

‘So and so…Opp…uh, I mean…the prince has been taking good care of me.’

‘That’s good, I was afraid he would hurt you…that’s how he protects himself, by keeping people away.’

‘What? Why? He’s close to…like anyone.’

‘True meaning of being close to someone is for one to open one’s heart to them. Eun’s close to them, but he never opens his heart to them. People who distant themselves the most are those who have been hurt the most. Eun didn’t have a pleasant childhood, Soondeok ah.’

‘You mean…when his mother got banished?’

‘No…it’s the things that happened after that.’

‘Something happened? What was it?’

(So looks surprised)

‘You don’t know? Have Eun not told you? But of course…why would he? I doubt he remembers much himself…’

‘Oraboni…could you tell me?’

‘I can, but don’t let Eun know you know…he won’t like that.’

‘I promise.’

(Silence)

‘Eun and I used to play together every now and then, because his mother’s been kind to me and allowed us to play…other wives of the king wouldn’t let my siblings come play with me, thinking I’m some sort of monster. I only go back to the palace once a year – for the new year, so I don’t stay long… One year, when I returned to the palace, Eun’s mother was not there anymore, only Eun was there – that’s when I heard, Eun’s mother got banished. I tried to find Eun, but he locked himself in his room and won’t see me. I was angry back then, but after knowing why he did so, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Eun.’

‘What…what happened? He must be really hurt then…just like on our wedding day when he locked himself in his room drinking…’

‘All the friends around him left him because their parents wouldn’t let them play with Eun, because of what happened to his mother. Then…everyone who were close to him, his tutors, his maids, his servants…they all died in one month – all died so suddenly without any known cause.’

‘What? They…died? Are you saying they were…killed?’

‘Whether it’s killed or not, no one knows…and yes, they all died – one by one, they died. Soon, no one was willing to serve the prince – they were afraid, thinking the prince has some kind of curse on him. How can a child handle it? He couldn’t, of course. He’s got this high fever but no one was willing to treat him. The king couldn’t let his son die, he’s his flesh and blood after all, so he had no choice but to send him to his mother outside the palace. Only then, did the so-called “curse” stop. Day time, he’ll come into the palace for class and stuff, then night time, he’ll go back to his house…’

‘But the prince seemed happy…he’s smiling all the time, and he gets along quite well with his brothers…’

‘You know how some children who experienced trauma tend to forget it after a while as if it’s never happened before? Well, some say he’s lost his memory of it completely after having that serious fever. But I don’t think he’s forgotten everything, Soondeok ah. Even if he did…he was never the same again. It changed him completely, whether he’s noticed it or not…he used to love reading, but then he kept books away from him. Oh, such a talented boy he was, but after that, all day long he would just fool around in the palace…’

‘I don’t believe it, Oraboni, the prince is nothing like what you’ve said. It can’t be.’

‘Soondeok ah, which is harder to find? A person wounded in the arm or a person wounded in the heart? A wounded person of course, because we can see the wound – but for a person hurt in the heart, there’s no way of knowing…unless that person shows it himself which don’t tend to happen often. Why? Because people hurt in the heart tend to say they’re okay – eventually, they’ll think that they really are okay when they’re actually not. Eun is hurt in the heart, but he chooses not to show it by acting bright, it conceals the shattered heart within – over time, he’s completely forgotten how broken he really is.’

‘So…Eun didn’t play with Oraboni back then… was because he’s afraid you would die too, because of the curse?’

‘Yes…’

‘I…I didn’t know…’

‘I’m sure one day, Eun will open his heart to you – I pray that that day will come soon, with you healing him.’

‘Me too, Oraboni.’

(Silence)

‘Oraboni…when are you going to ask Haesoo to marry you?’

‘Uh? W-why are you asking it? So suddenly?’

‘To be honest…it’s kinda selfish of me…I hope you would marry Haesoo so Eun will stop thinking about her.’

‘Ah…I see…I…I don’t know the answer to that myself.’

‘Why not? I mean, Haesoo’s now working at the teahouse and your highness now can stay at the capital, I don’t see why not, it’s a perfect timing for a wedding!’

‘If Haesoo doesn’t want it, what can I do?’

‘Did you ask? Have you asked or even thought of asking?’

‘Well…not exactly.’

‘You should. Better to do it now than regret it later. After all, most of the things we regret in life are not the things we have done, but the things we wanted to but haven’t done.’

‘You speak so well…like a wise old man…’

‘How can I not? I’ve faced death too many times.’

‘How have you been? Your health, I mean.’

‘Like always.’

‘You need to take good care of your body, alright? We’ll go hunting every year. You still got many things to do with Eun. You need to hold on, till the day Eun realizes his love for you.’

‘Right now, there’s nothing more I ask for. I won’t ask for his love like I used to…I won’t ask for his heart…that’s luxury, Oraboni.’

‘But, won’t you be sad if Eun never loves you? I’m sure sooner or later, he will.’

‘Sadness is for those who do not count their blessings. For me, being able to meet him in this life is already a blessing, being able to be with him in the same time and space is already a blessing, being able to share some moments with him in my life is already a blessing – I ask for nothing more. All I want is to be with him, by his side, for as long as possible.’

‘I have a lot to learn from you, Soondeok ah…how is it that you sound more mature than someone older than you like myself?’

‘That means you’ve gone through less pain than I, Oraboni, it’s a good thing.’

(Silence)

‘Come on, it’s getting late, let’s sleep, Deok ah.’

(Both goes to their own tent.)

‘Good night, Soondeok.’

‘Good night, Oraboni.’

‘I’m curious…you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. What do you do before you sleep, Soondeok ah, you and Eun?’

‘The usual…The prince would hug me most of the nights. Sometimes… sometimes even…kiss…’

‘I see…I can’t imagine Eun doing all this to you.’

(So imitates Eun)

‘Soondeok ah, come over here, let me kiss you, let me kiss you all over.’

‘Oraboni! Stop teasing me!’

(Prince So chuckles then talks to himself)

‘Aigoo…I can’t imagine how deadly Eun will look when he makes love.’

‘Make what? Oraboni, I couldn’t hear you.’

‘Sorry, slip of tongue, I shouldn’t have said things like that, it’s inappropriate. I apologize.’

(In Soondeok’s mind)

‘What’s making love? I’ve never heard of it before. Is that something we can make it ourselves? Love, I mean. I’ve always thought love cannot be made, so does that mean it be made like making a sword or… a pancake?’

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(Eun wakes up screaming from his nightmare)

‘NOO!!!!!!’

‘Eun ah! Are you alright?’

‘M…mother…I…it’s that dream again…’

‘Eun ah…’

‘It’s a dream, mother, nothing else.’

(Mother hugs Eun)

‘I’m sorry, my child…I’m sorry can’t help you…I’m such a useless mother…don’t forgive me, I don’t deserve it.’

‘Mother, don’t say that…you know it’s just a dream, you don’t have to make a big fuss about it.’

‘Eun ah…you too know it yourself…it’s not a dream.’

‘It’s a dream…nothing else!’

‘How long are you going to keep pretending, Eun ah…this isn’t working and it’ll never work. It’s only going to hurt you deeper and deeper. See how you’ve collapsed this afternoon? Instead of denying it, Eun ah, don’t you think it’s time to accept it and get on with it?’

(Eun starts to get angry)

‘I told you mother, it’s just a dream! Just the same stinking dream I’ve been having for years, nothing more! No one died, mother! No one! They all just left me, that’s all! They did not die!!! I didn’t kill them!!!’

(Mother starts to cry)

‘You didn’t kill them, Eun ah… It’s mother’s fault…I couldn’t protect you…I’m sorry.’

‘It’s not mother’s fault! It’s my fault, MY FAULT! I’M CURSED! Because of me, mother got banished! Because of me, everyone died! They all died because I’m cursed! I’m cursed!!! That’s why I’m born into this world, this hell of a world!’

‘Eun ah…you’re not cursed, you’re blessed. You have a mother who adores you, a wife who loves you – how can you not see how blessed you are?? There is no curse, my dear.’

‘I hate Soondeok! I hate her! I hate her I hate her I hate her! I’m cursed to have her as my wife!’

‘Eun ah! Don’t say such a thing! I see that you have come to like her, why is it that you won’t accept this fact yourself? Why do you keep saying you hate her?’

‘BECAUSE I NEED TO HATE HER! I DON’T WANT TO HURT HER!’

(Eun sobs)

‘Eun ah…’

‘I hate her, because I think I might have begun to love her…I hate her because she’s giving everything to me, she’s sacrificing everything for me – for someone as useless and dumb and weak and cursed as me. I hate her because she makes me remember the time I used to be happy…truly happy. I hate her because it’s getting harder and harder for me to keep her away from me.’

‘Then don’t. Eun ah, don’t keep her away from you, you love you wife, just admit it, accept it, and love her without regret.’

‘I DON’T WANT HER TO DIE TOO! Whomever I love, they’ll die! My tutors, my friends, my maids, everyone! EVERYONE! What did I do? Why is everyone taken away from me?! The only way I can protect anyone is to hate everyone – keep them away from me is how I protect them! But what did I do wrong? Why do I have to go through all this?’

‘My poor child…it’s all a lie. I don’t know why heaven has let this happen, but it happened for a purpose…or someone is doing that to you – it’s not your fault. You don’t have to keep people away to protect them. My son, please stop blaming yourself. Don’t have any fear and love your wife – the way your heart’s been wanting to. Tell her everything, Eun ah.’

‘Are you telling me to tell her everything? Tell her how everyone around me died?’

‘She’ll understand, she’s a smart girl. Besides, she’ll find out sooner or later, Eun ah…she’s your wife, there shouldn’t be any secrets between husband and wife. Tell her, and let her heal you, heal your mind, heal your soul, heal your heart. That way will you truly be free, my son.’

‘What if she gets scared of me after hearing that? What if she runs away? What if she changes her heart? No, I like things the way it is now, just like now…’

‘Eun ah…’

‘I…I want some time alone, mother…please. Just by myself…alone.’