Eun’s diary

I can’t sleep.  No matter how hard I tried, I just can’t sleep. I feel like my heart’s going to burst with all these feelings – mixture of them, I’m happy because Soondeok’s right next to me, yet I’m sad that I can’t tell her the truth, I’m angry at myself for not protecting our child and I’m anxious about her knowing what I’ve been trying to hide. Will I get better? Will I be able to smile at my wife once again, from the bottom of my heart? This bitterness, is it possible to cast away? I’ll bring her to the mountains tomorrow, hope the ride will refresh my mind a bit; time, I’m afraid, is the only cure for my shattered heart.

I’m glad my wife’s getting better now, just like what the doctor said, she’s back to her old self – her old healthy energetic cheerful self, just like when I first loved her. In fact, can I say it like so? When exactly did I start to love her? I’ve never quite pondered upon this question, because it would seem that it came silently – yet so suddenly! Slowly, I began to like her, yet without myself knowing – is that still love? Or does love count when one realizes the love that’s been ignited for a while?

Why am I talking about this here? Yes, the silent winter night has this ability in making me think about things. I’m tired now, I think I’ll be able to sleep – as expected, words and books do help me sleep, just like back in those times when I took lessons with my brothers. I wonder how they’re doing. I miss Yixing, I hope he’s doing fine as well.

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(Morning. Soondeok opens her eyes and stares blankly at the ceiling, wondering if all that has happened the previous night really did happen or it was all but a dream. She doesn’t have to worry long, because her husband’s presence is soon detected by his soft snore. Soondeok chuckles as she turns to look at her beloved prince, from the top of the head to the loose pajama top which showed a hint of his bare chest.)

‘Aigoo…he must’ve been tired…’

(Soondeok traces Eun’s facial features with her finger in mid-air, marvelling at how handsome her husband has become day after day. His eyes so peaceful, his nose so tall, his lips so inviting, his cheeks so soft – Soondeok can really spend all day gazing at her prince. She can’t take her eyes off of his lips, her heart starts to race, she gulps as her imagination takes off – she leans a bit closer to her husband.)

‘Well…just a small peck, it won’t hurt – he’s in deep sleep now anyway…’

(Soondeok closes her eyes as she slowly brings her lips closer to Eun’s)

‘What are you doing?’

(Eun murmured just before Soondeok’s lips touched his. She quickly backs down and swallow hard, followed by an embarrassed cough)

‘I…kkkkmmm…When…when did you wake up, your highness?’

‘Just when you wanted to steal a kiss from me.’

‘NO! I mean, I…I wasn’t trying to kiss you…ha…why…why would I do that? Gosh, you think you’re really that handsome, don’t you? You think that any girl would just want to kiss those perfect lips when they look at them, don’t you?’

(Soondeok tries to explain, Eun draws her to himself and leans his head toward her)

‘But I’m not wrong. You know I’m rightt, you do want to kiss me, don’t you?’

‘I…I don’t want to kiss you Oppa.’

‘Hmmm, sure, whatever you say, Deok ah. Let’s get up…’

(Eun gets up to leave the bed but then Soondeok holds onto him, looking down shyly)

‘I don’t want to kiss you Oppa. I…I want to sleep with you…’

(Soondeok’s voice softens at the last part, partially wanting Eun to hear it yet partially not)

‘Honey…what…what did you say?’

‘Oppa…I…oh I don’t know! Forget it!’

(Soondeok wants to hide in a hole right now, her face blushing hard – she wants to just get out of Eun’s sight so she darts out of the room.)

‘Deok ah! Where are you going?’

‘To get breakfast! Don’t you dare follow me!’

(Eun tries to hold back his laugh as he collapses back on bed, wanting to sleep just a bit more)

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‘Oppa…where are you taking me? Why do you have to make me go blindfolded? What’s so secret about it?’

‘You’ll see, Deok ah. Aren’t you curious what I’ve been doing in the library?’

‘No…not really.’

‘Oh, I know you are, just you wait. Here, tada!’

(Eun uncovers Soondeok’s eyes and they find themselves standing in front of a bookshelf)

‘Umm….Oppa, this is a book shelf.’

‘Exactly!’

‘We’re in the library…yeah, I know this place already, what’s so great about it?’

(Eun steps forward with his head held high – he can’t wait to show her his study room)

‘Because, Deok ah, in this library, is MY LIBRARY!’

(With that said, Eun push the bookshelf and immediately, the wall cracks open, the book shelf glides back then slides behind the wall. Soondeok is speechless. Eun smiles after seeing her expression)

‘Shocked right? I bet you are. I was as shocked as yourself too when I first discovered it, smart right? Inside, it’s my world.’

‘How…how did you find this?’

‘Well, you see, I used to spend some time here…grandpa would lock me in the library, hoping I’ll read…of course I didn’t. One day, I got so angry I kicked this book shelf, I must’ve kicked it real hard because this happened. When I looked in, I discovered a wonderful space for me to play around in so I smuggled toys here bit by bit and turned it into my playroom whenever grandpa locks me here.’

‘Yes, that does sound like what the young prince would do…’

‘Want to go in? Here, follow me.’

(Eun takes Soondeok’s hand and lead her in)

‘Oppa, these…are these herbs? And, books! You actually got books in here?’

(Soondeok runs her hands through the boxes of herbs – dried ones, green ones, big ones, small ones, colourful ones, brown ones…)

‘But…why? Are you sick Oppa? Are you alright? Oh wait…I think I know why…’

‘Hmm? Why?’

‘It’s…It’s Haesoo right? Did she ask you to get her some herbs for her soap and tea making?’

‘Ya~ Park Soondeok! Why are you bringing her up now? It has nothing to do with her!’

‘Oh…I thought…because she too…you know.’

‘GOSH! Deok ah, I did it for you!’

‘For…for me?’

‘Yes, I’m finding the herb that will cure your heart – you see, these books are not just medical books from our country, Deok ah, they’re books from the middle lands! Seems like many herbs they have there cannot be grown here in Goryeo, but I’m trying my best to find them – and buy them from merchants. That’s what I’ve been doing, Deok ah. So don’t you dare mention that person’s name again, understand?’

‘Or what?’

‘You know what’ll happen, Deok ah, I’ve warned you before.’

(Soondeok grins cunningly then looks around)

‘But…w…why?’

‘Why what?’

‘Why…study so hard for me? I mean, your highness doesn’t have to do all these. I’m doing well now with my medicine and-’

‘Because I want to grant your wish, Soondeok ah.’

‘My wish?’

(Eun holds Soondeok’s hand)

‘Didn’t you say you wanted a child, Deok ah, hm?’

‘Sure I did, but…’

‘I’ll make it come true, Deok ah. I promise I will. But right now, your heart’s too weak for that, if you are to carry our child, you need to get well first.’

‘Wow…by the way, Oppa…how did you know all these?’

‘Know what?’

‘That my heart is too weak…for me to carry a child…’

(Eun freezes, realizing he had a slip of tongue)

‘Oppa, how did you know?’

‘I…well, you see…it’s…’

‘Did you learn it from the books?’

‘Y-yes, yes! Yes I did.’

‘Oppa! I’m so happy for you! You’re actually learning!!!! And you did it all by yourself!!! I’m so proud of you!!’

(Soondeok wraps her arms around her husband in joy, Eun rigidly wraps his arms around her as well, grateful that she didn’t suspect anything)

‘I’ll do anything for you, Deok ah. Anything.’

‘Thank you Oppa…sorry Oppa.’

‘What do you have to be sorry for?’

(Eun looks at Soondeok as she keeps her head low)

‘You…you’re always so worried about me and doing all these things for me…but I can’t do anything for you…I’m sorry, Oppa…’

‘Oh honey, don’t say something like that. It’s my duty to do this, it’s the least I can do.’

‘Oppa…I…I love you.’

(Eun kisses Soondeok on the forehead)

‘I love you too, Soondeok ah.’

‘Oppa, want to ride today?’

‘Originally I wanted to take you around the mountains, but it’s too cold today. Maybe some other day.’

‘But…I’ll wear my coat! Please? I’ve been wanting to ride so badly since yesterday! Please??? PLEASE???’

‘Well…’

‘Please? Pretty please? Oppang~~~ Hmm~ Please~~~~ Soondeok-ee wants to ride~~~~’

(Soondeok rubs her fists gently on her cheeks as she does aegyo, widening her innocent eyes as she looks up to her husband.)

‘Alright alright! But you have to follow me to the place where I’ll be taking you. Got it?’

‘OKAY! Oppa, should we have lunch up in the mountains then? I’ll go prepare it now!’

(Eun holds his wife back just in time)

‘Deok ah, don’t run, running’s not good for your heart.’

‘But Oppa…’

‘Besides, you can have the maids prepare it for us, I want to talk with you a bit longer.’

‘Okay, I’ll tell them, you wait right here.’

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‘Deok ah, I really am full, you can have it.’

‘But it’s your favourite.’

‘It doesn’t matter how much I like it, if I’m full, nothing tastes good, Deok ah.’

‘So, are you full now?’

‘I told you already, I am!’

‘That’s why you won’t sleep with me?’

‘I…wait, what?’

‘Nothing…’

(Soondeok packs things up)

‘Honey, what are you doing?’

‘Packing, can’t you see it?’

‘You’re angry at me, aren’t you? Honey…’

(Eun helps his wife out, both works in silence)

‘Honey, can we sit here for a while longer? Please? Deok ah…’

‘Fine…’

(At last both of them sits back on the log, looking out the mountain range in silence. Soondeok tries to bring the mood back up, even though she’s still a bit upset.)

‘This cliff, how’d you know this place, Oppa?’

‘You like it here?’

‘Love it. It’s like I can see the end of the world here – all the way over there, the horizon…do you think we can ever reach there?’

‘Deok ah, if we reach there, we’ll fall right off!’

‘Oppa, you think our world is flat?’

‘Of course it’s flat! Why? You think it’s round? Come on, Deok ah, give me a break.’

‘Why not?’

‘Then we’d be falling, wouldn’t we? Since it’s round. It’s like standing on a ball, you’ll topple right over.’

‘I suppose you’re right…’

(Silence, both of them enjoying the view, then both of them said something at the same time)

‘Oppa.’ ‘Soondeok ah.’

‘Oppa, you first.’

‘Soondeok ah, there’s something I want to tell you.’

‘Sure, go ahead.’

‘In fact…it’s why I brought you here today…to tell you my story.’

‘Oppa…’

‘I don’t know where you heard it from, my story, but I think I should tell you myself…we’re going to be together for a lifetime after all…’

‘But…are you sure you can tell me now? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, your highness.’

‘I know, you don’t have to worry about me…’

(Silence)

‘I’ve been here before, Deok ah…this very cliff.’

‘I figured that out…it’s a beautiful place. Did you come here with mother?’

‘No honey. I came here to…I came here to… kill myself.’

(Silence)

‘O…Oppa…’

(Soondeok clings onto Eun’s arm, Eun pats her hand)

‘I won’t kill myself now, Deok ah, you don’t have to hold on to me.’

‘Oppa…You must’ve been hurt…so very very hurt to have wanted to die…’

(Eun wraps his arm around Soondeok)

‘That happened when I came here to grandpa’s winter residence to recover…After mother got banished…after everyone around me died…’

‘So…so when you had the high fever you came here to rest, didn’t you Oppa?’

‘Hm?’

‘I…I mean…you had high fever in the palace…or some serious illness, I forgot…but no one will take care of you there because they fear your curse will kill them too so…you moved out of the palace and lived with your mother. Was that when you came here? To recover?’

(Eun blinks in disbelief, he then sighs)

‘So that’s the version you heard.’

‘What version?’

‘I guess father did a great job covering it up, Deok ah.’

‘Then…that’s not what happened? But So Oraboni said-’

(Soondeok covers )

‘I mean…Oppa…I…’

‘It’s alright, I kinda figured it out myself anyway, who told you…’

‘What really happened, Oppa?’

‘You won’t like my story, Deok ah.’

‘Still, it’s your story, the real story…that’s all it matters.’

(Silence)

‘I was poisoned.’

(Eun turns to look at Soondeok, those words have finally left his mouth)

‘I…I was poisoned, Deok ah…I could’ve died…I mean…I should’ve died like all the people I knew, but I didn’t.’

‘Oppa…How…how did you know? I thought…I thought you knew nothing about their death-’

‘Soondeok ah, do you really think I didn’t know? They were my closest friends, my most trusted people, I knew them as well as the back of my hand. Many of them were happy, enjoying their life with their family, but then suddenly they just killed themselves? It just doesn’t make sense!’

‘So you think those suicides are…fake? That those people were murdered?’

‘I know they are, Deok ah…I’m certain. I knew I had no curse, but the thing is, Deok ah, sometimes it’s easier to believe in what’s false than what’s real…if the truth hurts you more…’

‘Oh Oppa…’

‘I had a choice, to believe that I was cursed and continue to live like an idiot for the rest of my life – carefree…or I can choose to believe that I was someone’s ruthless target, that they’ll come after me until I give my last breath…then I’ll have to live in fear the rest of my life, Deok ah…’

‘Don’t worry Oppa, I’ll do my best to find out who did it and-’

‘The only one who knew was father, and he did nothing…he covered it real nice…much better than I imagined. Oh honey…I…’

(Soondeok helps Eun lean his head on her shoulder and comforts him)

‘There there…everything’s gonna be alright…’

‘If only I had been smarter…if only…I… was rescued…somehow, I cannot remember, yet I was too weak to do anything back then. Grandpa moved me here to recover, he won’t let me leave the room, let alone the house…so I ran away once I got well enough to do that. I wanted to just run away from it all, from everyone…then, as I kept running, I came here and I looked out…’

(Silence)

‘I thought…everything would end if I take one step further, I’ll fall right off the cliff and all my sufferings would be over…’

‘But you didn’t, and that’s what matters…I’m glad you didn’t Oppa…I’m thankful you lived.’

‘I too am glad I didn’t jump that day…when I could’ve. But the others…I can’t do anything for them…nothing…’

(Eun finally brightens up a bit)

‘You know what’s interesting, Deok ah? You know how they say your life flashes pass your eyes the moment before you die? I mean, can you imagine that?’

‘I don’t have to imagine, Oppa…I walk on the brim of death all the time…remember?’

‘Then I suppose you know well what it’s like.’

‘I sure do.’

‘When I was going to jump, my life flashed before my eyes, Deok ah…then I realized one thing. If I die there and then…my life, my entire life would really be a sad one. Then a thought came, if I don’t die, there’s half a chance I may have a happy ending – after all, no one knows what’ll happen in life. I stepped back from this cliff, because of that half-chance, Deok ah.’

‘And I’m glad your life turned out this way…though it didn’t have a good start…’

‘To be honest, the day I married you…I thought my life took the road to that half-chance bad-ending…’

‘I knew you were planning something when you locked yourself in that room on our wedding day…glad I asked Haesoo to talk to you. Who knows what’ll happen if she didn’t go in.’

(Eun frowns a bit)

‘I beg your pardon, young lady.’

‘I suppose you thought your life is getting better when you met Haesoo, right? But then I came and ruined everything, boy, I completely understand…I would’ve wanted to die too if I were you…after all, Haesoo’s just-’

(Eun forces a kiss on Soondeok, he won’t let go until Soondeok’s almost out of breath)

‘Ya! Oppa! What’s wrong with you?’

‘I’ve had enough of hearing that name in a day, Deok ah.’

‘What? What name? Haesoo?’

‘Ya!’

(Soondeok touches Eun’s chest as she continues to ignite the manly fire within him on purpose)

‘So it WAS Haesoo? Ah, that’s the name you don’t like…Haesoo…’

‘You’re doing this on purpose aren’t you, Deok ah, huh?’

‘No, I’m not doing this on purpose. Why would I say the name Haesoo on purpose? I mean, I know you don’t like me mentioning Haesoo so why would I say Haesoo over and over again?’

‘Look! You are doing it on purpose! You must’ve wanted a death sentence, Deok ah.’

‘Oh, so saying the name Haesoo will give me a death sentence? Man, this name is pretty powerful isn’t it? Haesoo…’

‘AISH!’

(Eun lifts Soondeok up there and then, he’s had enough – he makes Soondeok get on his horse then he too gets on)

‘Oppa, what about my horse?’

‘I’ll bring him along, don’t you worry.’

(Eun wraps his arms around Soondeok who’s sitting a bit uncomfortably in front.)

‘You alright?’

‘Oppa…you should’ve used a larger saddle if you planned for us to ride together…’

‘Oh? I remember we were alright before. Why? Did our little princess get fat, hm?’

‘Oppa!’

‘Let me see~’

‘Ya~ Oppa! Stop touching! Ya~~~~ Stop~~~’

‘My, it is a bit round, and your …boy, you need to exercise, Deok ah.’

‘You’re mean…’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll help you exercise.’

‘Which…which kind?’

‘What do you think? The one on bed of course!’

‘Really? Really, you will?’

‘Isn’t that why you kept mentioning her name? Because I said every time you mention her name I’ll have to do it once? Hm? You cunning little girl. You must’ve been waiting for it for so long, I did say we’d do it today didn’t we?’

‘Then, are…are we going home now? To…to…’

‘Of course! Why? You want to explore this mountain a bit more or-’

(Soondeok, upon hearing this wonderful news, instantly kicks the horse with her foot and have them gallop back to their residence in full-speed.)

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(The moment they get off their horse, they start to kiss in the stable, forgetting about the world, forgetting about their sad past, just thinking about each other)

‘Oppa~ Can’t we just drop here?’

(Eun brush Soondeok’s hair to one side and starts kissing her neck)

‘Hm? Here? You okay with that?’

‘Oh yes please~’

‘Over there, we don’t want to startle the horse.’

(Both of them chuckles as they get their hands busy. Suddenly a maid barges in)

‘Your highness! Oh! I…I’m sorry, did I interrupt…I’m sorry, I…I’ll leave now…’

‘Aish…What is it?’

‘Oh Your Royal Highness, where have you been? We’ve been looking everywhere for you! Oh, you see, your highness…it’s your uncle, he is stopping by and he wants to have a drink with you…’

‘Aish…Uncle? Which uncle?’

(Silence)

‘Uh…don’t tell me it’s…’

‘It’s…your uncle…THAT uncle…’

(Eun sighs)

‘Okay, I get it, you can leave now.’

(Maid leaves, Eun looks sadly at his wife)

‘Deok ah…I’m afraid we have to wait till tonight…’

‘Who is it? Which uncle was it?’

‘Eldest one…grandpa’s first son…his position is quite high in the court…it’s just that he’s a bit dumb…and the thing is…he drinks…a lot. By a lot, I mean A LOT!’

‘Then don’t drink with him.’

(Soondeok touches Eun’s face, trying to make him stay.)

‘I can’t. He’s my uncle, it’d be rude not to drink with him…’

‘You want me to help you out? I can…drink some for you…I can hide under the table or-’

‘No honey, I’ll be fine…don’t you dare come into the room, my uncle tends to…kkkmmm…mistreat women when he’s drunk. Stay away, promise?’

‘I promise.’

‘Wait for me in our room, okay? I’ll be quick. We’ll carry on tonight, I promise, alright?’

(Soondeok nods – there goes her beautiful dream)

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Soondeok’s diary

Someone poisoned my prince? Someone dared to poison him? I’m pretty sure it’s the queen, that snake is after my prince just because he’s born on the same day as her son? Man! What insanity is this? I ought to rip all her hair out!

Relax, Soondeok ah, you can’t let anger blind you. But seeing the pain as Eun told me his story this afternoon really pierced through my heart. If only I can do something for him, I mean, he’s done so many things for me! Can you believe it? He actually studied medicine just so he can find a way to cure my heart! There must be something I can do for him, there must be!

Since I’m well now, I’ll spend even more time with him, bit by bit, I’ll help him forget about all his pain. The good thing is, at least now I know about his story, he’s entrust me with his past, have we really become a couple now? When we can have absolute trust towards each other? When secret does not exist between man and wife? I wish I could tell Eun everything, everything I knew, but I don’t want to hurt him. If he knows who banished his mother, why the queen keeps making his life miserable, it’ll really be a huge blow to him. I can’t let that happen, I just can’t.

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(Soondeok’s reading a book when she hears Eun shouting in the hallway – drunk, definitely drunk)

‘Deok ah~ My Soondeok ah~ I’m back!’

(Eun’s leaning on the butler, wobbling like a duck, as if he’ll collapse on the floor in any second)

‘My! Your highness! How much did you drink?’

‘My lady, his royal highness needs to get to the bed now, he’s drunk way too much tonight.’

‘Sure thing…here, I’ll take him in. Thank you sir. Ah, just wait here for me.’

(Soondeok helps Eun to their bed then goes back out to give something to the butler)

‘Here, take this.’

‘My lady. This…’

‘Eun’s uncle, this will pay for what he needs during his stay here…’

‘Oh. You don’t have to worry about that my lady, he’s left already.’

‘Did he? Well, in that case, divide it among the servants and maids who helped out tonight…for overtime. I really am sorry for the trouble caused tonight. You all can have half a day rest tomorrow, come back at around noon will be fine.’

‘Oh, heaven bless you, my lady.’

‘Take care, sir.’

(Soondeok shuts the door, though she didn’t want to. The entire room is filled with smell of alcohol, and it’s driving Soondeok dizzy. She walks up to Eun who’s half-asleep in bed, helping him to change.)

‘Aigoo…Oppa, I told you to not push yourself, didn’t I? Look at you. You keep worrying about my health, ya, what about you?’

‘Hmm…more…’

‘Look at you…just look at yourself…’

‘Byul…’

‘How can you be so perfect…even when you’re drunk?’

‘Byul…Byul ah…’

‘Hm? What did you say?’

(Soondeok leans over to hear what Eun’s uttering)

‘Byul ah…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…’

‘Byul? Who’s Byul?’

‘B…Byul ah…Fath…sorry…’

‘Aigoo…that’s it, you need to sleep.’

(Soondeok helps Eun keep his jaw shut and pulls the blanket over him)

‘Byul…Byul…Oppa…who’s Byul? I don’t think I’ve heard of that name before…Oh well, I’ll ask him tomorrow. I love you, my dear prince.’

(With a kiss on the cheek, Soondeok blows out the candle and too falls asleep.)

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[Note from author: Sorry guys, for the wait. Actually I've written this quite some time ago and was going to post it last week. Nonetheless, something sad happened (I'm sure you all know what it is) and I just can't bring myself to post it...given that the content somehow reminds me of that painful loss. I'll try to update more often but life hasn't been easy lately. Thanks for everyone who loved reading them, I'll keep updating whenever I can. ^.^]