Soondeok’s diary

RELEASE! Yes! The doctor just came over today and he said that I’m all well now! I can finally leave this room for the first time in ages! I wish Eun was here, I miss him. Well, it’s been 2 months since we moved here – Eun grandpa’s winter residence up in the mountains, and as soon as I settled down, Eun left. He went to find Yixing, I’m told, he said he’ll try to find medicine for me. I know he loves me, but I can’t help but miss him heaps, especially when I’m in pain. Luckily, my period this month is over, meaning I’ll be free from it for many days until the next! I want to ride, I want to ride so badly, it’s like I can hear the mountains calling me out. Hope Eun will return soon, what if something happens to him? Oh man! I hope he’ll be alright.

Mother’s been worried about me, I think she knows of my illness by now, but I’m glad she’s been so supportive. In my darkest times, when Eun’s not by my side, she’s there to comfort me. She’s back to the capital now, I miss her already.

Spending all day in the room is too suffocating for me, I’ll go out now – as winter is just around the corner, I’d like to ride around and maybe, if I’m lucky, I can see some bears strolling about. I just love the sound of leaves crunching under the hooves of my trotting horse.

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(Soondeok goes outside for the first time)

‘My lady!’

(Maid comes running)

‘My lady! You shouldn’t be out here. It’s cold and you’re not well-’

‘I’m alright, Young-ah. I need some fresh air.’

‘But-’

‘Any news from the prince yet? When will he be back?’

‘I…I’m not sure, my lady.’

‘Oh well…where’s the stable? I want to ride out today.’

‘But My lady!’

‘Trust me, I’m fine. You don’t have to bring me there, just tell me where it is.’

‘It’s…it’s over there behind the well. You sure you’re alright, my lady?’

‘Yes yes yes, I’m pretty sure. Thanks!’

(Soondeok walks over to the stable, heart thumping hard with excitement. A stable boy comes out to greet her)

‘My…my lady. What brings you here?’

‘I want to ride, can you help me pick a horse, little lad?’

‘Yes, my lady. Which do you prefer?’

‘Steady ones will do, I’m not into fast ones today.’

‘I see, my lady. Please do come with me.’

(The stable boy helps Soondeok saddle a horse)

‘How old are you?’

‘Thirteen, my lady.’

‘And your name?’

‘Suk. My name is Suk.’

‘Ah, that’s a pretty name.’

‘Yes, His Royal Highness gave me that name, it’s kinda new…my name. Servants like myself aren’t given any names you see…my lady.’

‘Oh, did he? I miss him…my dear prince.’

‘What do you mean, my lady? Why do you miss him?’

‘Hm? Oh well, you see, he’s been away for quite some time now…out of town…’

‘No…Isn’t the prince studying in the library?’

‘Say…say what?’

‘His Royal Highness, he’s been staying in the library, don’t my lady know?’

‘Oh come on, the library? He’ll never stay there for an hour, let alone all this time!’

‘But…it is true, my lady. I’m responsible for bringing his meal in and…I helped him carry books from the town library back…and just yesterday he rode to the mountain to collect herbs-’

‘Wait. So you’re serious?’

‘Y…yes, my lady. I’m sorry…am I supposed to keep it a secret?’

(Soondeok can hardly believe her ears. She asks the boy where the library is and she went there, she can hear Eun’s voice while standing outside – Eun’s with the butler, Soondeok listens to their conversation quietly outside)

‘Your highness, please reconsider.’

‘Of all the time! Why now? Gosh! I’m tired of it! Sick and tired of it! All these sickness and…and…gosh!’

‘Your highness, please calm down. I’m sure she’ll be well soon.’

‘Well? You think anyone can get well that quickly?’

‘Well, why don’t you just visit her and see-’

‘You out of your mind? How can I go?’

‘Please stay put, Your highness, your voice will reach the room… if the lady finds out-’

‘I don’t care anymore! Aish! So darn annoying!’

‘She’ll be well in a few day’s time-’

‘Aish, I don’t know anymore! Just bring me something to eat, I’m hungry. You nag too much.’

(Soondeok leaves, returns to her bedroom and sob alone in bed, thinking that Eun’s grown tired of her, that he has stopped loving her because she’s sick)

‘But…Your highness…’

‘What?’

‘Are you really not going to see Lady Soondeok? The doctor came today and said she’s all recovered. When will you stop hiding here in the library and keep making her believe you’ve gone to some far-off place?’

(Eun sighs)

‘I made a promise butler, and I’ll have to keep that promise. I’m so close! So close into finding the right herb and the right combination! But then the herbalist’s mother is sick all of a sudden! Heck! Anyone would’ve been as annoyed as I am now if they’re in my situation, don’t you think so? Why now? It’s not like I can go up there and find the herb all by myself!’

‘Still…I think it’s best for you to just meet her…’

‘I do meet her, every night, after she’s gone to bed – and you know what? It’s been real hard these days…looking at her sleep, my blood starts to boil up the moment I cast my eyes upon her, you understand what I mean?’

‘No…I’m afraid I don’t.’

‘Aish…get yourself a woman. You’ll understand once you get married.’

(The butler covers his smile)

‘Your servant is 60 years old, how can I get married now?’

‘Do you want to?’

(The butler chuckles a bit)

‘No, your highness. I think I have enough to handle in my lifetime at hand…now that your highness is here…Ah, what do you want to eat? I’ll bring it over.’

(Eun hold’s the butler’s hand)

‘Ahjushi…I’m sorry, just then…when I shouted at you…’

‘Oh, it’s alright, your highness. To be frank, your temper is much better now…anyway, what would you like to have? Anything you crave for? Anything special? I can tell the maids to buy them for you.’

‘Na…just whatever Soondeok’s having. Oh, and send someone to tidy this place tonight, I won’t sleep here anymore.’

‘Really?’

(Eun smiles)

‘Yes, I think you’re right. It’s time for me to return to my wife. I’ll just slip into the bed when she’s asleep so the next morning when she opens her eyes…bling~’

(Eun imagines how Soondeok will be so happy to see him, she’d hug him and kiss him and-)

‘Oh, Your highness…’

(Eun’s imagination gets cut-off by the butler)

‘Your highness, you’re in love!’

‘Can’t you tell?’

‘Well…right now, it’s almost like I can see it, your highness, if you know what I mean. Love’s written all over your face. Gosh, it seems just like yesterday… it reminds me the time when your father came over and…’

(Silence)

‘Oh, sorry…I…’

‘My…father?’

‘It’s nothing, your highness, pretend you didn’t hear me say it.’

‘Has my father ever been here before? Here? Really? Why?’

‘No, not at all, your highness! If you’ll excuse me.’

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Eun’s diary

I’ve found it! That herb I read in one of the medical books! I found it in the mountains yesterday! It’s prettier than I thought! Boy, I’m so happy I’ve found it! I’ve told the maids to add it to Soondeok’s meal last night, the book says it’ll strengthen the heart, I do hope it’ll help her. She seems to have something on her mind lately, every night when I visit her after she’s slept, she’s always frowning hard in her dreams, is she feeling lonely thinking that I’m gone? I suppose I should ‘return’ from my trip now, but I can’t waste a waking moment, I could feel that I’m very close into finding what I’m looking for. Soondeok ah, just wait a while longer.

Nights have been unbearable these days – like back in those days before I made Soondeok mine. But I have to hold it in, she’s still recovering, still so very weak, I can’t worsen her condition just because I want to have fun. No, for her sake, I must hold it in. But gosh, the very sight of her is giving a hot-blooded man like myself a hard time, that’s why I’ve been trying to stay away from her. She won’t be mad at me for doing so right? Probably not. She loves reading in peace and now I’m giving her all the time to do that, surely, she’d be happy. I know my wife, I’m her husband after all.

The herbalist’s supposed to bring me to the mountain today as well but his mother’s sick so he can’t come. Oh well, perhaps some other time.

The stars look nice tonight – Byul ah, my child, how are you doing?

---------------------------------------------------

(Soondeok on bed – lights out. Eun slowly opens the door and tip-toes into their room. Gently gliding into the blankets, not wanting to wake his wife up. Eun then whispers softly)

‘Good night my angel. I love you.’

(To Eun’s surprise, Soondeok responds)

‘Liar.’

‘D-Deok ah! You…you’re awake? I…well…Tada! I’m back! Give your husband a welcome kiss~’

(Soondeok answers coldly)

‘You don’t love me-’

‘Sure I do! Honey, are you alright? What’s wrong?’

(Soondeok turns to look at her husband – even in the dark, she can see his astonished face)

‘If you do love me, you wouldn’t have stayed away from me all day long. It’s alright, your highness, I understand.’

‘Deok ah…what…what are you talking about? You know why I left…I wanted to-’

‘The doctor said I’m well enough…I can even ride a horse now…I’m well…well enough to travel. So tomorrow…I’ll be leaving.’

‘Leaving? Where? I just got back!’

‘I’ll be staying at the temples…until our 3^rd wedding anniversary, we shall meet again then, for our divorce.’

‘Ya! Deok ah, what nonsense are you blabbing about? Divorce? What, are you mad?’

‘Me? Mad? No, it’s you who’s mad your highness! Why are you pretending you still love me when you don’t?’

‘I-’

‘Oh don’t give me that your highness, I know you better than you know yourself. The library, the place you hate the most and now you’re spending days in it. What does that mean? It means that you’d rather be there than with me. Stop lying about your trip, I know everything already!’

‘Honey, listen to me-’

‘You don’t have to try to explain, Oppa, I understand. I understand everything. Let us part peacefully…I can do that. That way you’ll never have to deal with a sick person like me anymore.’

‘Ya, aren’t you going a bit too far?’

‘A bit too far? 2 months! 2 solid months and you haven’t even touched me once! Not once! Is that what a man would do? A man who used to sleep with me 3 times a day would do? What does that mean? It means that you have no interest in me anymore. It’s alright, your highness, I understand that this is the nature of men, I understand completely.’

‘Listen to me, you – you are my wife! Am I this kind of man to you, hm? After all I’ve done for you? You still doubt my love for you?’

‘It’s not doubt. It’s a fact.’

‘Fact my ! Honey, do you know what I’ve been doing for you this whole time?’

‘Not interested.’

‘Waa...you…wa, Deok ah, why is it so hard to talk to you tonight? Wrong timing? There’s got to be some misunderstanding. Man! Why won’t you just listen to me? Why won’t you just give me a chance to speak for myself?’

‘Fine! You go ahead and speak for yourself!’

(Then Soondeok gets out of bed and stomps outside – Eun’s completely baffled)

‘Wa…what’s wrong with her tonight? Did I pick the wrong time to come back? Oh dear, it’s cold outside now – I better get her something warm to wear.’

(Eun finds Soondeok in the garden, gazing over the pond alone. The sky is clear as ever tonight, stars spreading all over the pitch-black sky, like diamonds. Eun walks up to her slowly and puts a coat over her shoulder before sitting down next to her. She turns the other way, not wanting to face Eun.)

‘You fool…you want to turn into an icicle out here or what?’

(Silence)

‘Honey…are you mad? Soondeok ah…’

(Silence)

‘Deok ah~ Is it because I’ve been staying away from you? Is it because I lied to you saying I went to find Yixing? Is that why? Aigoo…seems like it…so THAT’s why…guess I’ve been loving you the wrong way.’

(Silence)

‘Soondeok ah, you know why I’ve been keeping my distance with you? Why I told you I went on a trip? Because you’re too irresistible~ I’m afraid I’ll do something to you…before you’re fully recovered and all…I thought that by being with you…not sleeping with you…you’ll see just how much I love you…I guess I was wrong…’

‘L…liar…’

‘Honey, think about it. These 2 months have been hell for me…’

‘Why? Because you can’t have “fun”?’

(Eun’s smile disappears as he looks at his wife)

‘No…because every time I look at you…I’ll think of our Byul…’

‘All men are the same…Onni was right…’

‘Deok ah…I really am sorry, for making you feel this way…but I can swear I have no bad intention whatsoever when I lied to you…really. Soondeok ah…you’ll forgive me, right?’

(Soondeok turns to look at her husband)

‘No.’

‘Well, what do you want me to do, Deok ah? I can do anything for you!’

(Soondeok kisses Eun on the lips – her lips freezing from the cold, unfamiliar with her husband’s lips after having been separated for so long.)

‘Deok ah~’

‘I won’t accept your apology because…there’s nothing you should apologize about.’

‘Honey~’

(Eun returns a kiss. Soondeok sighs)

‘Don’t you ever lie to me about that again, Oppa…never.’

‘Okay. I promise.’

‘You know what? I really thought you’ve lost all interest in me, Oppa…I was really scared…when I heard you talking to the butler today…I thought you hated me for being sick-’

‘What? So that’s why? You…wa…you thought I was referring to you when I yelled? No honey, it was someone else…gosh! You should’ve asked me earlier!’

‘I don’t think I’d be able to…’

‘Gosh…why is it so hard for you to open your mouth? You and your mind-’

‘Then…then what about you? Oppa, can’t you at least let me know why you’ve been hiding in the library from me? What have you been up to? Ahh…I get it…you must be reading those red books, right?’

‘Deok ah, I don’t do things like that.’

‘Well you must’ve! After all…it’s only normal for you to relieve yourself-’

‘Honey! I told you! I don’t do things like that!’

‘Yes yes yes…as if…’

‘I…gosh, forget it, it’s meaningless trying to make my point.’

(Soondeok chuckles then grabs Eun’s arms.)

‘Oppa~ I’ve missed you so.’

(Eun rests his head on Soondeok’s)

‘Me too darling…me too…These past few months made me realize, those moments, even the most random moments of us being together, each and every one of them are a blessing to me. Simple moments as such. Eating with you, talking to you, looking at your smile...listening to your stories and dreams, all these things, they don't stay forever you know. So I'll treasure these moments from now on, Deok ah, our moments. I wish it'll last...’

‘Oppa. I'll try to make it last...by the way, I’m kinda disappointed though. Since you’ve been around and all, I thought you’d know.’

(Eun looks at his wife)

‘Know…know what?’

‘You’ve forgotten what day yesterday was…I can’t help but feel upset…’

(Eun starts to panic)

‘What…what day? Our 1000^th day? Wait…not yet…wait…what day? Anniversary? What anniversary? Kiss anniversary? Wait, that’s not it…’

(Soondeok gets up and goes back to their room, Eun follows, trying to figure it out.)

‘Soondeok ah~ Tell me~’

(Soondeok won’t say it, even when both of them returns to bed, she still won’t say it, even when Eun’s hugging her tight from the back, she still won’t say it.)

‘Ya, honey, you’re mean…come on, tell me~’

‘You really don’t know?’

‘I really REALLY don’t know…’

(Eun pouts hard, Soondeok giggles then whispers into his ears)

‘Yesterday, was the last day of my period~’

(Silence. Eun gets angry.)

‘Aish! YA! PARK SOONDEOK! You scared me! Gosh!’

(Soondeok apologizes instantly)

‘Sorry! Oppa…are you upset? I was just playing around, I thought… I’m sorry…I-’

‘Ya, Deok ah! How could you only tell me that now? We’ve wasted so much time tonight!’

(Eun tries to keep his straight face)

‘Deok ah, when you told me the doctor said you can ride, I stopped myself just in time because I thought you’re still having it.’

‘Well~ What are you waiting for, Oppa? Come on~ It’s been 2 months~ Let’s have all the fun we can tonight, Oppa!’

(Soondeok leans forward to kiss Eun but then suddenly, he thinks of Byul. He backs away from his wife as a sense of guilt floods in.)

‘Honey…tomorrow. Not tonight. It’s passed midnight, you need to rest.’

‘Oppa…what’s the problem? I thought you’re excited about it…and I…I am too…what’s wrong?’

‘To…tomorrow, I promise.’

‘Oppa~’

‘Good night…’

(Eun sleeps, Soondeok can hardly believe her ears)

‘Fine…I guess…tomorrow’s fine too. Wait…Oppa…are you…what…are you crying?!’

(Soondeok tries to look at Eun’s face but Eun won’t let her)

‘Ya, Oppa, why on earth are you crying again?’

‘I’m not crying…it’s…allergy, yeah, allergy. See, no tears. Just…watery eyes…’

‘I see…you’ve got some serious allergy there. Why? Are you allergic to love? Hm?’

(Soondeok keeps giggling at her own jokes, she goes on telling Eun about her day, but Eun didn’t hear any of it. He’s locked himself inside, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of doing the wrong thing, afraid of hurting anyone. He can’t bring himself to look at his wife without feeling guilty, the guilt he’s been trying to bury in his heart, the guilt of him killing his child to save the one he loves. The feeling he’s been trying hard to conceal deep these past few months, is coming out again.)

‘Deok ah…help me…I want to let you know…I want to open my heart to you once again…but I can’t…I can’t do that to you. It took you so long to recover, I can’t let another blow hit you down. But this is killing me…I don’t think…I don’t think I can sleep with you anymore…as your husband…I don’t think I can do it…my guilt…won’t let me. I’m a murderer, honey…I don’t deserve you.’

[Note from author: Guys - lots of tests and exams coming my way so I probably won't be able to update in a few weeks' time. But won't worry, I'll definitely update when I have the chance ^.^]