Soondeok’s diary

I’m scared.

I can’t bring myself to tell Eun that I’m sick. We’ve been through so much together, it’s not easy being here today, me being healthy and all energetic again like the time when we first got married. I don’t want my health to ruin it all. I should find a doctor, secretly, but Eun’s been sticking to me lately, I can’t even sneak out like I used to at night. I could ask Haesoo to summon a doctor for me in the palace, but the palace is full of people, what if I really am sick? What if I’m actually dying? I don’t want people there to know, I don’t want Eun to know. And father, the moment he looks at me, he’d know if I’m sick or not, which is why I must put make up on today before going to see him. He won’t notice that I haven’t been eating well lately, right? Oh, but what about dinner today? What if he insists that we say over for dinner? What if I want to vomit in front of everyone the way I did this morning when the maids came in with our breakfast? What if father makes a big fuss about it? And sister-in-law, she’s had so many children, would she figure out that I’m not actually pregnant? Oh my head, so many things I’m worried about, I can’t even breathe properly now. I should go out and get some air.

Eun’s diary

Soondeok’s in the garden now, don’t know what’s wrong with her, she won’t tell me why she wanted to go to the picnic either. She’s been acting so weird lately, it’s like, her emotions are always going up and down. One moment she’s smiling at you, the next she could be shouting at you or crying in a corner. Is this all part of her act? If it is, she’s doing a good darn job scaring me. But what if she’s not? What if there’s really something wrong with her? The way she ran to the window this morning, that was no act, it’s real, I could see it from her eyes, but she kept insisting that it was all part of her act. Is it because she doesn’t want me to worry about it? Oh man, what should I do? Maybe I should tell the doctor to check out on her, but what can I say? She’s supposed to be pregnant, she’s supposed to behave this way, that’s the only way we can stay together and dodge the divorce crisis.

I’m bringing her to a picnic today, will try to get some information from her then, when she’s relaxed. I hope she’ll just tell me everything instead of hiding things from me just because she doesn’t want me to worry. But again, that’s my wife, always so considerate…

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(Picnic)

‘Oppa, we have pickles?’

‘Ah, here. You told me to tell the maids to pack it, right?’

‘Yeah, let me have one. Mmm! Delicious!’

‘Honey, slow down.’

‘I’m starving!’

‘Your taste’s kinda weird today. Radish pickle is too sour for me.’

‘But it’s super delicious! Gosh, I can have it all!’

‘Honey, have some kimbap, there are pickles inside too. Here, ah~’

(Eun puts a piece in Soondeok’s mouth, both of them gives the ‘Mmmm~’ sound)

‘Taste good, Deok ah?’

(Soondeok nods her head hard as she munches on it, yep, she can have kimbap without feeling sick.)

‘Oppa, this is really good.’

‘I helped roll it up, Deok ah, of course it tastes good. Here honey, have another piece.’

‘Oppa, you too.’

‘Ok.’

(Soondeok sighs as she looks at the scenery before them.)

‘This place is so beautiful, I love coming here, it’s like all the stress will just drain away.’

‘That’s why I love being outside the city, indeed, the view here is amazing.’

‘Oh the memories this place holds…’

(Eun looks at Soondeok and gives the ‘I-know-what-you’re-talking-about’ look)

‘What’s wrong, Oppa? Something on my face?’

‘Nothing. Just remembered our first kiss here, that’s all.’

(Soondeok blushes)

‘Oh that.’

‘Our first kiss was a mess, remember how muddy I was?’

‘Strictly speaking, that wasn’t our first kiss. Our first kiss was in the bath…when the soldiers were trying to catch me.’

‘I see your memories are all back now. Yeah well, we kinda made our kiss here as our first official kiss, didn’t we? This tree here is our witness.’

(Eun gives the tree a pat, then suddenly looks sad)

‘Oppa, what’s wrong?’

‘100 years later…we won’t be here anymore, Deok ah…you think this tree will still be here?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘And if we’re lucky…this tree will grow to be 300, or even 400 years old, maybe in our next life, it’ll still be here.’

‘What’s the point? We probably won’t even remember who we were in our next life…’

‘I wonder how many things this tree has been through till this day.’

‘This tree is at least 50 years old, I’d say…it’s been here way before Goryeo was established, around our fathers’ age?’

‘You think Goryeo will still be here after 300 years?’

‘We’d be lucky if Goryeo’s still here in our lifetime, Oppa…with the war and the internal conflicts father’s been talking about- I mean…never mind.’

‘Honey, is something bothering you?’

‘No…I…I guess I’m still hungry, I should have another piece of kimbap, I skipped breakfast after all.’

(Soondeok tries to shift the topic)

‘Oppa, what will you say to His Majesty when you see him later?’

‘Don’t know…we’re not really THAT close…just the typical greetings I think.’

‘What about Haesoo, what will you say to her when you see her today?’

‘Like what I always say, “Hi” and “Bye”. Nothing more, nothing less.’

‘Does it still cause your heart to ache when you see her?’

‘Why are you asking?’

‘Just wondering. I mean, sometimes I lose that ‘first love tinkle’ when I look at you. Maybe it’s because we’re super happy together anyway.’

‘I…I don’t love her anymore, Soondeok ah. I simply look at her as a friend.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

(Soondeok smiles brightly and squeezes Eun’s cheeks)

‘Aigoo~ Our good husband~’

‘Ya~ What’s that for?’

‘Let’s tell her!’

‘Tell her what?’

‘Our baby~’

‘You think it’s a good idea?’

‘She’s your friend, isn’t she? She should know. Ah! And Prince Jung too! He’s my friend~’

‘He’s not your friend.’

‘Yes he is.’

‘He’s not! He’s just your brother-in-law, nothing more.’

‘Oppa, you can have Haesoo as your friend, why can’t I have Prince Jung as mine?’

‘Because, it’s different!’

‘What’s different?’

‘I…’

‘Oppa, you don’t actually think…Oppa, Prince Jung likes Haesoo, we all know that, he doesn’t like me.’

‘How can you be sure that he didn’t have feelings for you before he met Haesoo?’

‘Oh man…first Bogum, now Prince Jung. Oppa, you don’t have to be so sensitive all the time!’

‘Come to think of it, when we first got married, he kept coming over to practice with you-’

‘That’s because-’

‘And you kept getting letters from him.’

‘Because father-’

‘And he did send you gifts every now and then.’

‘Since we were-’

‘AND THE FACT THAT YOUR FATHER TOLD YOU TO PICK HIM OVER ME AS YOUR HUSBAND!’

(Eun makes the angry face)

‘Oppa, I picked you in the end, didn’t I?’

‘Deok ah, just how many men did you attract in the soldier’s camp before you came back to the capital to marry me?’

‘Oppa, if by your definition, then I can say pretty much the entire camp had me as their first love.’

‘WHAT?!’

‘I mean, Oppa, come on, I was literally the only female in the camp while I was following my father.’

(Eun straightens up and looks at Soondeok as if to interrogate her)

‘How many were in the camp?’

‘What do you mean how many? Father and I traveled all around the country! Pretty much everyone-’

‘Are you saying that all the soldiers serving the king has had their eyes on you? MY OWN WIFE?’

‘That’s not what I meant.’

‘Oh ho! And I suppose you did find some guys attractive at some point.’

‘Well, I always had you in mind, Oppa.’

‘Liar.’

‘It’s true!’

‘What about bath? How’d you manage to take a bath?’

(Soondeok chuckles and claps as she recalls it all)

‘Ah! Now that you ask, it’s really funny now that I think about it.’

(Soondeok gets up and talks about it with excitement)

‘Father would tell the soldiers to prepare a bath for me in a tent and I’ll take a bath there, alone of course. During that, father would stand guard by the door and then he’d have some of his men form a circle outside the tent, with their backs to the tent, like a giant shield of men. And if anyone tries to look in – not that they can – father would make that soldier do 100 push-ups. So, it was pretty safe for me.’

‘But then I suppose they saw how y you looked with your damp hair when you came out of the tent, no?’

‘Well, I can’t come out any other way…it takes time for hair to dry.’

‘SEE?!’

‘It’s not a big deal~ Oppa, look at you, your face’s all red!’

(Soondeok gives Eun’s forehead a soft kiss)

‘Oppa, stop being jealous already.’

‘I’m not!’

‘You’re still trying to make me think otherwise?’

‘What about So hyung?’

(Soondeok teases him)

‘Oh him? We spent quite a lot of time together, especially during hunting season. We would even share the same tent.’

‘WHAT?’

‘You sound as if I’ve never told you before. Father’s there too, of course.’

(Eun pins Soondeok down on the picnic mat, making Soondeok giggle even harder)

‘Oppa, what are you doing? The maids and servants will see!’

‘Let them.’

‘Ya~ You know I only have you in my heart, Oppa.’

‘It’s not about you, it’s about those men – what if they have you in their heart too? I can’t let that happen, I’m the only man who’s allowed to have you in my heart!’

‘So what are you going to do, my dear over-protective husband?’

‘I’m going to find them!’

(Soondeok chuckles a bit)

‘Then?’

‘Then…I’m gonna make them all leave the country!’

‘Oppa, you can’t do that~ Who will protect our country then? You can’t send all our soldiers away~’

‘Then…’

‘What if I say I’m going to send Haesoo away because you loved her before?’

‘I…I wouldn’t mind, Deok ah.’

‘Liar~’

(Eun gives Soondeok a kiss on the cheek)

‘What? Jealous?’

‘Oppa, you were the one who’s jealous in the first place. You’re the one who started this entire conversation!’

‘Well, maybe I should keep starting things then, like, giving you a long kiss~’

(Soondeok tries to push her husband away)

‘Oppa, not here.’

‘Why not?’

‘You’re so naughty. Hurry up and finish the last of the kimbap, you want it?’

‘Na, you have it.’

‘Mmm~ Delicious~’

(Eun smiles as he looks at his wife enjoying her lunch with her eyes closed.)

‘Honey.’

‘Yes, Oppa?’

‘You’re faking it, aren’t you?’

‘What…what do you mean?’

‘You’re really sick now, but you don’t want me to worry, that’s why you kept saying it was all just your great acting.’

(Soondeok looks down)

‘That’s not true…I…I really am feeling fine, it’s just that I…’

‘Honey, you can be honest with me.’

‘Oppa…’

‘Are you sick or not? Tell me.’

(Eun stares into his wife’s eyes)

‘I…I’m feeling great. Not sick at all…’

‘I see…I guess I’m just over-sensitive.’

(Eun lies down with his head on Soondeok’s lap)

‘Deok ah, I love you, so don’t feel burdened about telling me if you’re sick. I’ll love you just the same.’

‘I know Oppa…I know.’

‘Ah~ What a lovely day it is…’

‘Yes, lovely indeed.’

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(That evening at father’s house)

Father: Oy~ My daughter! Welcome home!

(Father gives Soondeok a hug before giving one to Eun)

Soondeok: Father, we have something to tell you.

Father: Whatever it is, go to the dining room first, your brother’s family, everyone’s waiting for you two there. Come on in.

(Everyone sat around the table)

Father: So, my daughter, what is it that you wanted to tell us?

Brother: Sister, did you put make up on? Daebak!

(Sister-in-law gives her husband a slap on the back)

Sister-in-law: Honey! Stop teasing her! Who said she can’t put on makeup?

Brother: Ow…I’m just surprised…I’ve never seen her this pretty, that’s all…

Eun: Father-in-law, I…I mean…we…we’re going to be parents.

(Silence in the air)

Father: R…really? Soondeok ah, is that true? Are you really pregnant?

(Soondeok gives a nod)

Soondeok: Yes father. I’m…I’m pregnant.

(Her father immediately stood up and raised a cup in the air)

Father: A toast! Here’s to, my grandchild! CHEERS!

(Everyone raised their cups and said cheers – they were beyond happy to finally hear this long-awaited news. Soondeok was about to drink her cup when Eun stopped her.)

Eun: Honey! You mad? You’re pregnant now,  how can you drink wine?

Soondeok: Ah…right, sorry…I forgot I had to quit drinking…

Sister-in-law: Oh my sister, I’m so happy for you! If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask me.

Soondeok: Thank you, Onni.

Father: Cha cha cha, enough talk, tell them to bring in the food, we’re starving. Soondeok ah, just eat whatever you want here, I told them to prepare all kinds of dishes, I’m sure you’ll find one to your liking.

Soondeok: Father, I-

(Just then, dishes of food are coming in orderly, filling the room with great aroma. Well, to everyone other than Soondeok that is.)

Eun: Deok ah, you alright?

Soondeok: Oppa…I think I should go up to my room and lie down…

Sister-in-law: Sister, are you alright? Is it the food?

Soondeok: I’ll be alright, just need to lie down a bit. I’m sorry father.

Father: Darling, want me to ask them prepare something else for you?

Soondeok: No father, I’m fine. I’ll be in my room.

Father: But-

Brother: Father, just let her. You know how people with child are, remember how mother won’t eat anything for an entire week when she’s having her.

Father: Alright darling. Call for us if you need anything.

Soondeok: Yes, father.

(Soondeok excuses herself from everyone and goes to her bedroom. She was just going to lie down for a bit, but she soon fell asleep)

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(After dinner, in the garden, Eun with his father-in-law)

‘It’s getting late, and I think Soondeok’s asleep already, you guys may as well spend a night here.’

‘If you don’t mind, sir.’

‘Just call me father, how many times do I have to remind you?’

‘Yes…father.’

‘It’s not easy, I know. When my wife got pregnant the first time, I thought to myself, it’s going to be easy, it’s just a baby, no big deal. But after our child was born, I realized that being a father is harder than it seems.’

‘I understand.’

‘Take good care of her, Eun ah. And…love her all you want now. You never know…just in case.’

‘Father, you mean…’

‘She might die giving birth, no one knows for sure, so spend as much time as you can now…don’t be like me.’

(Father gives Eun a pat on the back. Eun knows that Soondeok won’t actually have to go through that process, but for some reason, he wanted to cry after hearing what his father had told him)

‘Father…I’m not sure I can be a good father.’

‘You managed to be a good husband now, you can handle the role of a father, I’m sure of it. It’s getting really late, you should go in now.’

‘Good night, father.’

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(Before retiring to Soondeok’s room, Eun decided to visit the boys)

Eun: Knock knock. You guys still awake?

Yifan: Uncle!!! Guys, get up! Uncle’s here!

Luhan: Uncle! I miss you so!

(The three boys ran up to Eun and Eun picked all three of them up and spun around once)

Eun: Boy oh boy! You guys, I miss you too! Let me take a good look at you! Tao, you’re a big boy now, aren’t you?

Tao: Yes, uncle. Tao miss uncle. VERY much!

Eun: And our Luhan, how have you been buddy?

Luhan: Great! I can ride now, uncle! Really really fast!

(Eun pats him on the head)

Eun: Great on you. And you, Yifan, man, you’re growing tall fast, aren’t you? A couple of years more and you’d be as tall as me!

Yifan: Then we can wrestle together, right?

Eun: That’d be fun, little soldier.

Luhan: Uncle! I heard that aunt is having a baby! But why’s her belly so flat now?

Eun: Because the baby is still very small, little man.

Tao: How small?

Eun: Very small.

Tao: Very small?

Eun: Yes, very small.

(Yifan grows quiet)

Eun: What’s wrong, Yifan, you’re worried that your aunt and I won’t come and play with you guys if we have our own baby?

Yifan: But I heard father said that if aunt has a baby, she’d die…

Luhan: What? Uncle, that’s not true, right? Aunt won’t die, right?

(Tao starts to cry, Eun picks him up and comforts him)

Eun: There there, aunt won’t die, what nonsense is that? Did your mother die while having your baby sister?

Yifan: No…

Eun: Then why would aunt die when she have baby? So don’t cry anymore, Tao ah~ Okay?

Yifan: So she won’t die like grandma did, right? Promise me uncle.

Eun: We’ll never know what might happen. You’re a big boy now, Yifan, I’m sure you’ll understand sooner or later…Let’s not talk about this, let’s play a quick game of hide-and-seek! I’ll count to 10! 1…2…3…’

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(Eun finally returns to Soondeok’s room, his wife is already sleeping sound on their bed, Eun walks over and takes off his outer garment before sliding into bed as lightly as he could.)

‘I didn’t realize how this news would shock your family, Deok ah…I thought pretending you’re pregnant will make everything much easier…turns out it’s not as easy as I thought.’

(Eun touches her hair and pulls the blanket higher for her)

‘For a moment then…I really felt like this was all real. That I’m really going to be a father of my own child…that you’ll really give birth to our own baby…that…you might actually risk you life doing so…’

(Eun gives Soondeok a kiss on the shoulder before blowing out the candle, it’s been a tiring day, to say the least. Rather than a physically tiring day, it’s more of a mental exhaustion that’s draining out Eun’s energy. Those dreams he had before, about Soondeok dying after giving birth – those scenes kept coming back over the long tedious night. Eun could do nothing but pray that none of this will happen. His wife can’t get pregnant, Eun told himself, over and over again, what could possibly go wrong?)