I’m sorry, ma’am and sir. Her condition is worsening. I advise that you give up on her.

I never thought I remembered that. I was in the ICU as Sungmin-oppa was watching me. I could hear Eomma's cries and hear Appa comfort him while he was sniffling. I couldn’t help but cry.

“Shh...it’s going to be okay.” Sungmin-oppa was patting my head.

It wouldn’t be natural for me to remember my times when I was a baby. In fact, it also wasn’t natural for a baby to empathize with the surroundings. And yet, here I was in the ICU with a hurting throat and feeling the needles of IV drips on my little body and crying because Eomma and Appa were crying, even Oppa had a tear dropping from the corner of his eyes.

I have cancer. I remember Sungmin-oppa by my side most of the time because my parents went to work. Oppa would talk sweet nothings to me and it made me calm and sad at the same time.

They were doing it for me. They were doing it because I was a baby with cancer. They were doing it because as I heard, the doctor advised them to give up on me because my condition grew worse. They were doing it because they won’t give up on me. 

They didn’t give up on me because they love me.

I was crying again. Sungmin-oppa tried to make funny faces so that I would laugh. Eomma and Appa returned from work and gathered towards me out of worry. Like Oppa, they kissed my cheeks and whispered sweet nothings to calm me down.

How can I? I can’t even tell them my feelings because I was just a baby.

“Yena-ya...baby...it’s okay...” Eomma whispered. “You're going to be okay. We’ll fight your cancer together. You won’t go to paradise yet. Eomma, Appa, and Oppa will always be by your side. I promise.”

I was still crying. It was the only thing I could do. Despite the pain and sadness, I knew that I had to be happy and strong for them.

+++

I was happy as I applauded watching Sungmin-oppa perform. He looked cool singing, dancing, and rapping towards fans, making me wow about what he was doing.

He was an idol and someday, I want to be just like him.

I was shocked as he got closer to me and pulled me for a hug while singing, giving a forehead kiss afterward. It was a little embarrassing plus fangirls would feel a bit jealous but I just chuckled and hugged him back. It really pays to be the younger sister of an idol but in my eyes, he was the brother I love so much.

That went on for quite sometime but with the reality of fame, it wasn’t forever.

“No.” 

“I know that you wanted it but  – “

“But Appa...” I mumbled, pouting. “I want to be an idol like Oppa. It will be different for me, I promise.”

“You realized what happened to your brother, right?” My mother spoke for him. “He worked hard, he was talented, and was one of the pioneers of his group. But look what happened...” She pointed at a poster of Oppa during his Don’t Tease Me promotions. “...the company didn’t handle his group well and they had to disband. They even got their profiles removed.”

“I know that, Eomma. I’ve seen Oppa break down because of it.” I huffed. “But I’ll make sure it won’t happen to me. I’ll follow that dream. I’ll do it for you and for Oppa.”

I would look like a duckling in front of my loving yet serious parents, looking soft rather than hard. My demeanour was betraying my will but it had to be done after all the sacrifices they have done to keep me living.

I may be the youngest but I’m also part of a caring family. And with that, I’ll do whatever it takes to make them happy.

+++

With all the persuasions and commitments, I managed to accomplish a part of that dream. I became a trainee in Yuehua Entertainment and even got the chance to participate in a survival show with Sihyun and our youngest member, Yiren.

We were the first group to arrive and the first group to perform. Every second counted so I used all of it to showcase my skills. And once we were finished, we got our grades.

“The trainee who got A...” I saw Teacher Bae speak. “...is Choi Yena.”

I bowed my thanks. I was more than blessed because the three of us got decent grades and I was the only one in our trio that got an A. As we got to the backstage and stuck our grades, it was a feeling of jubilation and I wouldn’t want to trade it for anything else.

+++

I wouldn’t want to trade my dedication for this competition but sometimes, the world forces you to. Like in the instance of the re-evaluation, I realized that it was the time to trade because I had no other options. I didn’t do well because I was nervous when it came to the Japanese version so going down the grading system would be the possible consequence.

“For those who had their grades changed, please proceed to your new classroom,” said Teacher Lee Hongki.

It was nervewrecking. I saw fellow trainees go and new ones from the lower classes come up. I couldn’t lie so I got up and went out towards my new class.

Class B.

I sighed and even spared a goodbye to Kaeun-unnie; who had been the best leader I've ever witnessed. She was also the closest person I met in the class, just next to - 

"Huh? Yuri?"

"She's heading to where Class F is," said Wonyoung.

I hissed and was worried about her. Jo Yuri was the second person I got close with because of her angelic voice and wonderful personality. I was sad knowing that she had her share of failure.

But it shouldn't stop us from accomplishing our dreams, right?

+++

The group evaluation was a usual start for most of us. Ahn Yujin managed to pick me as a part of the team for Very Very Very. I happened to know her better from Wonyoung, including Hitomi, Miru-unnie, and Goeun.

The three of us got closer as we watched the iPad together to check the dance, much to our dismay and less progress. Thankfully, Hitomi taught us, Goeun was a capable leader, and Miru-unnie was going along with the flow, making us follow them.

Practices were worrisome at first. We were facing the other; the Avengers Team. Technically, both our teams have Avenger-like lineups but they were more threatening. There was the center Miyawaki Sakura, dancing legends Kwon Eunbi and Lee Chaeyeon - even the visual goddess Kim Minju!

With a lineup like that, I began to question if we'll ever stand a chance against them.

"Earth to Yena-unnie!" A big puppy blocked my view.

"W-What?" I asked, shocked.

"You were staring into space again." Yujin huffed. "Let's practice."

I nodded, leaving that doubt in my mind and putting my goals inside instead. This was for my family so I had to do my best in delivering a fresh performance with my team.

Hananim answered my prayers well. Not only did our team win but I also got a high place in the Top 12. I was thankful for this and even shared that I did if for my family, especially for Sungmin-oppa, despite my parents' opposition.

I swore not to disappoint them with this chance while I maintain my role as a happy virus.

+++

The position evaluation was another tougher phase. I had two dancing aces, my best friend, and the mysterious yet very skilled trainee as my teammates. All of us were eager to work hard and earn a spot as the center.

I wanted it like all of them. This was Produce 48. I should have a chance to be a center, right?

But of course, it can only be granted to someone who actually deserves it and Eunbi-unnie was a good choice.

The next days were full of practices and in the evaluation with the dance teachers, we were commented as the team with a strong lineup; an Avenger-based team for dance. We were eager to live to that expectation so we danced our hardest.

"First off...it seems all of you are distracted."

I cussed in my head. Teacher Bae had the right to say it, maybe because we had no focus and because she expected too high of us - everyone did. However, this wasn't a hindrance to not tweak everything. This wasn't enough. We had to do more.

When the performance came, I stuck that in mind. I had to be driven to dance well. Yet, flaws are unavoidable and I almost had one. That almost cost me my balance and cost greatly with my ranking because I was in 4th place.

But the greatest cost of it all was my rank in the second elimination. From 9th…

...to 16th.

"It can't be…" Yiren was in disbelief as everyone else.

I saw Sihyun tearing up when I was walking towards the front. I saw Yiren weeping as I got there. Even though it was a huge downfall, I had to hold my hopes high and continue to work hard.

After all, it was the only thing I could do.

+++

I stuck to that goal during the concept evaluation. The competition was harder as two teams would compete to keep their spots. I was even in a little competition with Chaeyeon when it came to charm and I was thankful that I would get compliments from the teachers. Chaeyeon did a great job too. All of us did.

But in my case, it was a wonderful first. During the group evaluation, I was in the mediocre section of our group system. During the position evaluation, I was in the lowest because I lost focus, making me question myself about my limits. There were also instances that I grew worried about many things.

What if my parts will change because someone is better than me? What if people will bash me again because I'm not truly a talented trainee?

But during this concept evaluation, it was the first time I got acknowledged, praised, and credited for my own potential. These negative circumstances are likely to happen but I always hoped for the better.

Hananim answered it in two different ways. We may have not owned the top place as a group but I owned a spot at the top in ours. It was shocking but I was ecstatic that all of my efforts paid off.

I couldn't question my limits, especially that I got this far.

+++

That makes me hide my feelings…

I was talking within these quiet moments. I talked about my feelings; that I can feel every emotion humans are capable of but with the world seeing me as a bright person. With this in mind, I wonder if I could only show the good and hide the bad.

Is that even a standard? Even if you're an idol, you're not to make everyone happy.

I didn't get it at first. Isn't it an idol's job to make people happy? Especially the fans?

It was then that I got little cards with comments on them. They were all positive comments that made me smile and cry at the same time. 

This was what Bora-sunbaenim meant. I'm not meant to make everyone happy. I'm meant to make the people who actually see me as everything happy.

I was thankful. I was happy. I was celebrating my birthday with a time of healing and an opportunity to interact with my role model. I now realize that being in this competition wasn't just for my goals.

It was for myself; that I'd be built to become a stronger version of myself.

So even if I'm still 16th in the third elimination, even if I'm watching my friends go, and even if I'm already preparing to be eliminated and lose my chance of debut, I need to hold my banner high. 

To the least I did my best, right?

Nonetheless, I was thankful to remain. The last evaluation was on its way so I must use the last ounces of my hard-work this time.

+++

This was the last and probably the evaluation that gave me war flashbacks.

I was in the team of the Japanese song and not the Korean one. I couldn't understand why I chose it but it was sudden reflex; that the position of Sub-Vocalist 1 was mine and no one was taking it.

I regret the decision now.

"That's wrong." Juri-unnie corrected my Japanese.

I was thankful despite the struggle. I had teammates like Juri-unnie who helped me with my Japanese. I was even more thankful that Kaeun-unnie was there to take care of me, let alone all of us.

Despite the difficulty, I continued to strive. And it was at that moment that I realize my limits; that all my efforts in trying to shine became worth it.

For this song, I became the center.

+++

I want to debut. I wish I could debut. If I could debut, I'll be very happy.

"It's Choi Yena of Yuehua Entertainment!"

. I didn't expect that...I didn't…

I ended up crying silently as Kaeun and Juri unnies consoled me the most. I hugged them both tonight and slowly regained my awareness, hoping that this was all real.

It was.

As I walked towards the front, I saw my family. Oppa was hugging Eomma tight as Appa patted their backs. The sight made me cry again because I finally proved to them that I will make it different, that I will make it possible for them to believe.

I don't know what to say. I didn't expect this. Even if I aimed for it, I never thought it could really happen. Nonetheless, I was grateful and mindful that this was another beginning that I need to start doing my best into. 

After that announcement, cries and smiles became sporadic. I was happy that most of my friends made it - especially Yuri and Yujin - and sad because my favorite unnie…

"Shh...it's okay."

"Unnie…" I ended up weeping as I hugged Kaeun-unnie close to me.

I couldn't let go. She had been one of my closest unnies. She was like a mother to me. Despite Wonyoung and Miru-unnie - even Sakura-unnie - trying to hug her, I couldn't let go.

This was bittersweet. Goodbyes were common but amid that, one must go forward towards a new phase of life.

+++

"I'm glad you're here with me." I spoke as I held Yuri's hand.

After a VLive and a surprise from the members, I was dying to have a moment with Yuri. Our relationship developed from the beginning until now and there was nothing that the world could do to stop it.

Unless…

"Me too." Yuri pinched my cheek. "You know...I got eliminated in Idol School on this day, you know."

"Sad but happy." 

"Why?" She asked me.

"Because destiny made it up that you would debut in IZ*ONE…" I added, cupping her face. "...that you would debut with me."

Yuri and I ended up laughing, sharing a little kiss, and hugging each other while watching the stars. I saw millions of them and they really sufficed all the wishes I wanted.

I was relieved. I was filled with happiness.