Life was always unexpected and very broad with no absolute resolution of what will happen to you. It was a rollercoaster filled with emotions, people, and self-reflection about the time you wake up or about the time you go to bed.

Such was my case as I was walking with the staff. It has been declared that Akimoto-san has decided to include sister group couplings in the December Janken single, Wink Wa Sankai. The idea was to include one unknown member in each group and what a whoop because I was selected.

When we got inside the dance room, I greeted the seniors with a big smile despite my small stature. They ogled that I was so small but nonetheless, I greeted them with much fervor.

“I’m Yabuki Nako from the third generation. Nice to meet you.”

The seniors were obliged to meet me, even Murashige-san showed a one-time gag that for sure, I didn’t know what to react. I just smiled and they thought I was cute. 

It was a bit nerve-wracking and it made me squirm but I’m glad I took this chance.

+++

It was another schedule for me, entering the set as I greeted our general manager.

Sashihara Rino. Sasshi as she was called. She had her fair share of being part of our sister group but for whatever happened in the past, she’s been my model. She’s very diligent and very inspirational and she was always there to guide us. She was the mother of HKT48 and I’m excited to do this interview with her.

The segment was fun as we talked a lot of things. It was then that we talked about something serious.

It was at the time that I got in senbatsu.

Sasshi asked me how it felt and I wondered if it was alright to say it. She also reminded me about crying on my birthday performance at the time. We were sweaty from performing and I did my speech, crying. I was sorry for being part of the senbatsu and that I’ll try harder for the fans to accept me. It was heart-wrenching, even Sasshi cried.

I truly meant it, even if I thought that everyone worked hard and that there were the others who fit in senbatsu more than I did. I truly meant it, even if I was part of the third generation members to be promoted to a team quickly than the rest. I truly meant, even if it felt so lonely as I wonder if it was even right. I truly meant it, even if my line was empty and that no fan wanted to shake hands with me, no matter how hard I practiced my lines and plastered a smile. I truly meant it, even if my partner-in-crime was more popular than me. 

I cried about those things. I was sorry to everyone – especially to my mom. At the time, no one congratulated me when I was promoted. I thought that if would happen, people would acknowledge that part of success.

It wasn’t that nice of a success. It felt like that I was pushed towards the top too quickly.

But Sasshi told me something…and it was something that I’ll never forget.

People who were suddenly pushed to the top will never be understood by the people who never had that chance. It was alright to cry, to feel guilty, and to feel weak at one point but it’s never a good thing to embrace for all eternity. I had to be strong, even if I have to keep it in or cry it out to the people who were willing to listen.

I may by tiny inside and out for now but I’ll make sure to be mighty in the end.

+++

Produce48 was another phase of my experience as an idol. With that chance the realization of culture barriers, pure will, and the decision to stay or go.
Of course, one cannot deny some messed up – from a performance not posted on YouTube because of the song’s message to being graded an F in the evaluation. Regardless, I was willing to learn and work hard.

All of that became worth it when I was promoted to the A Class.

“Did I really?” I asked Teacher Lee Hongki.

He nodded and I was cheering like a little kid, happy of the progress.

All of that became worth it when I was the top of the group evaluation, receiving 330 points. 

Everyone applauded as shock remained in my features. Representative Lee Seunggi even asked about how I felt and I spoke that it was so unreal but I was thankful. 

And all of that became worth it when I was part of the final lineup, ranking at 6th place.

I couldn’t believe it even if everyone was hugging me. I couldn’t believe it even if I was walking towards the pedestal seeing Miku cry by her seat. I couldn’t believe it even if I was saying my speech. And I couldn’t believe it even if I got to my seat.

Most would consider it a pure success but I know that in life, you will always have a long way to go. Even if I reached this part of the pedestal, I will still continue to work hard. 

+++

Four Korean promotions and three Japanese promotions came and went. And through that journey, I’ve experienced many events, learned new things, and formed a bond – not just with Sakura-neesan and Hitomi but with all of us. 

IZ*ONE.

I watched them as they gathered around me, singing the Happy Birthday song as Sakura-neesan held the cake. I was clapping and saying my thanks before I made a wish.

My wish? My wish is that even if we won’t be together forever, we’ll always have our memories written in the clouds so that it will never disappear. Also to maintain a tiny yet mighty persona forever.

I blew the candles and they cheered. I smiled throughout the party because it was the best one I’ll have.

I am Yabuki Nako. I am tiny…

…but mighty.