Life is always a mystery to me. I was utterly curious with all the endeavors I faced – from the time I studied in two schools in high school to being a trainee for two companies. For whatever it’s worth, those mysterious changes were examples of life’s parts that takes acceptance and courage to get through.

“Godspeed on your journey, Noona.”

My younger brother, Kyungwoo, raised a thumb afterward. He was just as quiet as I am; to the point he just nods with every response. Nonetheless, I raised a thumb back before leaving my house.

+++

I was at my third company as a trainee. The hours of vocal lessons, dance lessons, and other stuff to do were endless. Yet today, it was an opportunity to be exposed to the public and to shine as an aspiring idol, thanks to a survival show.

Produce 48

I got to the set, all in my innocent prowess that I could become a squished bug for the intimidating contestants. I looked up the 96 seats as the trainees bowed their welcome. I bowed back, not realizing that there was also another trainee. I only noticed it when we were commented about our visuals.

Kim Minju, was it? We could pass like twins if we were the same clothes.

Nonetheless, I got to the seat and witnessed other trainees and their talents, the mentors coming to their seats and making comments that ranged from good to bad; mostly bad for the Japanese trainees. Blame the cultural barrier, for God’s sake. I also saw Minju timidly dancing. What a small world. I won’t be alone in this line of humiliation.

She got a D. I had my chance to perform and of all songs to choose, I chose IU-sunbaenim’s You and I. And here I was on the stage, performing like a kid forced to sing and dance in a family reunion to get my present. And boy, did that kick my ? Because I got an F.

Screw that. To the least, I finished.

But when the practices for Nekkoya and the re-evaluations came, I realized my mistake of sticking to what I have and what I know. 

F trainees won’t be on the stage. That thought alone discredited our hard work, our struggles, and our pride. We were the back-up dancers and for that, I feel bad. I was part of that lineup still…

…but it wasn’t the end. There’s still a chance to regain that ambition and for that, I’ll work hard.

+++

Group evaluations were intense because of the running and picking of members. I watched the other trainees select their picks, picking the A trainees first and leaving most of the F trainees out. I was one of them together with two more F trainees, two D trainees, and one B trainee.

We were chosen by Lee Chaejeong to be the second team for Boombayah, a song that I wanted to avoid because it had rap and intense dancing. It was a song beyond my caliber, let alone our members. It was pretty evident in their teary faces that they hated it as much as I did. Our looks were the message of giving up and hopelessness.

“Come on. We can do this.” 

Han Chowon said that. She was our only decent member in the lineup; she was the highest ranked member after all. Despite being three years younger, she became our leader and center. I saw the pain and the sense of responsibility in her eyes, especially on how hopeless the Japanese members were. With that, I had to step in and help her – help all of us.

I agreed with her and we helped our Japanese members together. We knew ourselves that we won’t nail it like Blackpink-sunbaenim but to the least we have to try.

+++

We won. I can’t believe we won.

I, Kang Hyewon, the main rapper of Snack Team, had my eyes wide when we saw the results. I could figure out the voters’ seeing our story made by this forsaken M(net) and out of pity, they voted for our team. That’s a part of out win but for us, it was a price for our hard work. I hugged a crying Sato Minami and gathered the rest for a group hug. We were the least expected group yet we won against a team much better than us.

The win didn’t matter to me. With the group I was in, we formed a family. Erii, Minami, Nanami, and Yuuka were the Japanese children as Chowon and I became their Korean parents.

We’re the Snack Group; the Boombayah family that had a strong bond thanks to this moment.

+++

It was the first elimination. Our Boombayah family remained strong but Yuuka left too soon. We were all sad about it but it was the usual way of survival shows. Everyone can’t bring home the bacon.

I remembered the struggle of not practicing enough. I remembered that I had little to no confidence. I also remembered that in order to be away from beibg eliminated, I must get out of that box.

“Hey…you seem bottled in your thoughts.”

I nodded as Chowon patted my back. I leaned on her shoulder as we rested by my bed. The remaining kids were asleep, leaving us parents to keep each other company and hopefully, to keep each other asleep.

“Yuuka said goodbye too soon.” I spoke, still leaning on Chowon. “I hope it doesn’t happen to us.”

“I feel you.” Chowon added. “I don’t want to say goodbye too.”

Chowon excused herself as I felt sleepy. But tonight, I pulled her down and we decided to sleep together.
the rules. Chowon had become a beacon as I faced this show and I was going to cherish every moment we had.

+++

Position evaluations were more intense. Chowon and I were in a team with Minji and Minyoung and I became part of the rap duo after the stunt I pulled in the group evaluations. I can still remember how lifeless I was rapping because of nervousness and little confidence, and Cheetah-seonsaengnim spat at me to rap louder and just spit my words out. As I decided to pick Heize-sunbaenim’s You Don’t Know, I wondered if I ever made the right choice. I’m not a good vocalist and I don’t know how to write a rap verse – let alone an essay.

That gave me a lot of frustrations. The waterworks return for the third time.

You managed to speak out.

Cheetah-seonsaengnim said that. The rap mentor that almost made me wet my shorts said those words to me. With that, I gained my willpower and I got more credit for writing good lyrics for the rap verse.

We performed with our heart and souls and got our decent rankings thanks to our hard work, especially Chowon. I was very proud of her that she was the top of vocal and rap. 

During the break, we returned to our dorms. The kids were happy for our success.

“We all did well,” said Chowon as she got some heart-themed clips. “I got these for us.”

The kids and I lined up as we got our straight clips. Chowon did the honors of putting mine, hearing the kids coo.

“It looks lovely on you.”

“This would look lovely on you too.” I said and got bunny-themed clips. “I also got these for us.”

The kids got their clips and I returned the favor to Chowon. We looked at the mirrors and adored the pacts of our family. We would’ve slept afterward but we had talks – from teaching Minami Korean to serious talks about elimination.

The Japanese trainees accepted the end of their journey and hoped the continuation to us. I was sad yet proud. None of us wanted to say goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye, especially to Minami whom I’ve treated like my own child.

But again, this was life.

+++

The second eliminations came. Only 30 trainees were allowed to continue and I was blessed to be one of them. I was shocked to be in the Top 12 – heck, I was even shocked to be at the Top 3! But I was happier because Chowon joined me.

I felt Minami hug me as my face was shown on the screen. She even told me that I might be first place, impossible for my caliber but my Minami was my precious kid and I just let her be. Nonetheless, the kids hug us as our names were called and I was happy. I includes them in my speech, even reminding Chowon to include them in her own speech. We got to our respective seats but seeing them remain, I felt my heart emptying.

It wasn’t just Yuuka anymore. The kids had to say goodbye now, especially Minami.

This was life. It’s nice when people come in your life and it hurts to see them go but for whatever it’s worth, we’ll always support each and we will meet each other again. In my case as an aspiring idol, I know that I am still not enough and that I have a long way to go.

+++

Concept and debut evaluations were struggling yet I managed to pass through with decent rankings. I was always deemed to be imperfect in this survival show, being scolded as rude to the mentors and the production staff for not showing my improvement. I was timid, I was quiet, and I was not confident with what I do and for me, that was holding me back. Yet, I always put to mind that I’m doing my best and hopefully, people would see that I am a person willing to improve and learn.

“Madewa~”

I looked at Chowon singing those three characters many times. Being sub vocalist 9 was tough. Eunbi-unnie and I wiped her off the leading vocal roles and put her at the bottom of the hierarchy. 

I was sorry to take her chance but it was a bigger chance to accompany the high notes and ad-libs. And I always know she’d be the right person for the position.

I got closer to her and consoled her through a hug. “You should rest for a bit.”

“Right. Singing the same characters has bored me.” Chowon sighed. “I can’t believe you dragged me down.”

“You’re the only one who can accompany Eunbi-unnie through her high notes. That’s better compared to Juri-neesan.”

“I heard you, lovebirds.” Juri squinted.

We gave our peace signs and joined them as soon as Kaeun-unnie called us. I held Chowon’s hand as my mind hoped that we’d debut together.

+++

No. We won’t.

I was called as the 8th placer for IZ*ONE. I never thought it would come to me. I was very thankful and very determined to be better. I joined Minju, Chaewon, and Hitomi in a group hug and got to my seat, watching more members being called and that between Sakura-neesan and Wonyoung, the maknae was declared our center.

I was happy but Chowon…

Chowon was competing with Chaeyeon and our favorite unnies Kaeun and Miho. Miho-neesan was 15th, Kaeun-unnie was a shocking 14th, and Chowon and Chaeyeon were left to compete for the last spot in the lineup.

“WM Entertainment Lee Chaeyeon.”

All of us deserved to bring home the bacon because everyone worked hard. It was limited, even to Chowon. Chaeyeon wept throughout the transition, even Sakura hyperventilated out of many emotions. For whatever it’s worth, Chaeyeon deserved it.

+++

“Congratulations.”

I shrugged her hand and pulled her for a hug, crying my heart out. Chowon hugged me back and I returned with twice the passion.

“I don’t want to say goodbye…”

“I know.” She broke, teary. “But you have to. Don’t worry.” She fixed my hair. “I’ll support you in the shadows and we’ll see each other again soon.”

I nodded and hugged her for as long as I could. It was a wheel of feeling sad and moving forward but hopefully, I can start on this journey with my head up high and my steps going forward.

+++

“Kwangbae~”

My perception of watching the sunset at the veranda was stopped with that call. I looked back and there was Yena, the members just behind her.

“Come on inside, Kang-chan~” Sakura joined in. “Let’s have dinner and play Outlast.”

I just nodded and joined them inside.

My journey in IZ*ONE was rough at first. Being commented about my lack of confidence and talents was still the talk but I made sure to prove haters wrong and live up to the fans’ expectations. Slowly, I gained that improvement. I was even credited for my personality - from being the Flash in ISAC to being a smartass. I didn’t care of getting less lines or less screen time because this is my unique character. Fans loved me for that and I want to keep it because it made me…me.

The mysterious me.