Even as a child, many would say that I was talented. I was good at running and swimming and won awards for it. Not only that, I was also interested in science and arts that it would also be a big boost to choose a field of practice. 

With these in mind, I hope I have a better chance of living a more decent life.

“Congratulations, Eunbi.”

I bowed to my family as thanks for they came to my high school graduation. SOPA was a prestigious high school for arts for it had idols and trainees studying there. I was blessed to graduate there in practical dancing.

“By the way, Eun...are you close to your debut?” My father asked.

“Next year, Dad. Our company’s preparing.” 

“That better be successful.” He spoke as he walked ahead. “Come on. Let’s go celebrate.”

I nodded while I scratched my head. My mother patted my back but I assured her I was fine. After all, it didn’t matter a bit because she was sharing the same sentiments as my father’s.

The truth hurts a lot. In my case, my parents were in the boundary of doubt and support as I follow my dream of becoming an idol. Despite being part of a choreography team, being a back-up dancer for various artists, and being a trainee close to debut, that wasn’t enough to prove that I was determined to make my dreams a reality. I understood their plights for practical living but I was a little hurt because of it.

Even if I was, I wasn’t going to give it up.

+++

It was 2014; the ultimatum of my dreams. I finally got to debut in a group as my favorite position and an extra one: main dancer and vocalist. We managed to shoot our MV, release our album, and perform in music shows. I even got an instrument for a stage name.

Fame wasn't forever. There were so many factors which lead towards it. But for me, I never thought it could come so soon. There was something wrong within the company's system so as a result, we disbanded.

I got home with the faces of disappointment from my parents. I assured them of my ambitions but it didn't go well. I would've expected this but I was disappointed at their reactions. 

It was the first. I'm sure that if I try again, the wrong won't happen again.

"This is just great, Eunbi." My father added. "We barely going through our lives and this had to add."

"I didn't think it happened, Dad. It was out of my control." I defended myself. "You don't have to fret, okay?! I'm still taking part-time jobs as a back-up dancer and as a cashier and bartender in a bakery."

He went silent. My mother was only the mediator, aware and silent throughout the talk. Even if I was close to breaking down, I couldn't give up and stand up for myself.

"I'm a trainee again and I'm settled in a known company this time." I spoke and handed out my approved application. "Woollim Entertainment."

They read at it. I would've expected them to cut me some slack because of my redemption but they still had stern looks. The only difference was that my mother had her chance to speak.

"This is wonderful, Eunbi…" She began then her face sank. "But if the previous thing happens, I - "

"It won't." I spoke again, fists clenched. "I promise."

"Promise is a big word, Eunbi." My father spoke again then sighed. "Alright. You will have your chance BUT…" He pointed. "...this will be the last."

I stood strong but my conscience was weak. This was my aspiration but the next words will make me or break me.

"If you fail this chance again...then you must promise us to give up on your dream."

I felt despair. It was also a huge risk for my part. Either I agree and use this chance or I don't and I will lose everything that I believed in at this moment.

"Yes. I'll accept the deal."

We finished the talk and I went to my room. As I got inside and shut the door behind me, I broke down.

It was horrible. Failure was horrible, every second worse than the last. One of things I wanted to do was to make the most out of my talents so that my family will be proud. If I trained to become an idol, people will know who I am and what I am good at...then maybe…

...maybe my family will be proud of me.

You don't need every person - especially those who always doubt you - to be proud of you. Those who always believe in you and who are proud of you for what are the most important.

Those were words that my older brother told me before he went to the military. It made me stop crying because he was right about it.

With that in mind, I just needed to be proud of me.

+++

Produce 48 was a huge journey and the biggest risk I'll ever take. I got the deal off of my head and had to focus as a candidate and a leader to my fellow trainees.

"Kwon Eunbi...A."

I was grateful for it. My teammates also had decent grades and I was proud of them. It was also relieving because so far, I'm off to a good start.

But sometimes, I wanted to eat my words. As we were evaluated for Nekkoya, I fell. From A to C.

As I got inside the new practice room, I couldn't help but weep. Suyoon would be crying seeing me and that was a disappointment I caused to myself. I was supposed to be the big sister and set a good example to them and yet here I am, failing.

But for whatever it's worth, it was part of the journey. I'm sailing my old boat in the raging sea but I was eager to sail it towards the shore of success.

+++

The journey was hard. Being in the Top 12 for 3 consecutive elimination rounds and being a leader for 3 consecutive evaluations were huge responsibilities I had to bear. Throughout the journey, the I that I usually imposed became a we. It wasn't just me who worked hard. Everyone did and if ever there was a chance to truly appreciate my journey, I had to empathize with others.

My fellow Woollim trainees were one thing, especially in my moments with Chaewon. Very Very Very Team was another, especially with Aoi, Choyeon, Sakura, Minju, and Chaeyeon mostly being there to support me. Sorry Not Sorry Team was another as Yena and the two Yujins would make me laugh. Chaeyeon was also there and she had been one of the closest trainees to heart.

Unnie, it's going to be okay.

Chaeyeon was always like that. For the two evaluations, she had been my pillar. Usually, I would sulk inside an enclosed room and Chaeyeon always found me crying. She would get inside and pat my back, saying those words like a mantra.

It was nice. It was nice to keep myself away from being too serious with my ambition. It was nice being with the others as we sail through the raging waters towards shores of success.

+++

The Rumor Team was another best experience. Sihyun, Chowon, and Sae had been great companies but most importantly, Sian was the greatest company.

We were the comedic duo in the team. We shared jokes and even made a skit together with Chaewon. We were the Orenji trio that gave smiles to the other trainees and for a vow, we promised not to be apart.

My father was right. Promise was a big word. It makes the person when granted and it breaks the person when it is unkept. 

Why? Why did Sian have to be eliminated?

I could only hug her in silence, never wanting to let go. I could hear her chuckle and hug me back but I knew she was teary. Sohee and Suyoon's eliminations would've made me used to goodbyes but I being friends in different companies hits differently.

This must be a reason why I fought through this competition. Ambitions, friends, goodbyes...those were crazy stuff.

But I hope it won't be just these new stuff. I hope for a new and better me.

+++

"Tough, huh?"

I looked at Kaeun-unnie. We had the same sentiments of being leaders, having debuts that went to the bogs, and staying in our own dungeons to train. The only difference was that she was older, she got a comeback and activities in Japan, and  stayed in the dungeon shorter than I did. 

"You know it's for the best, right unnie?"

She nodded. I breathed in, saying. "We've been at the top of our games, unnie. We were the best quadruple with Chaeyeon and Sakura. Surely nothing can stop us from aspiring our dreams."

"Yujin and Wonyoung would be sulking for not mentioning them." Kaeun-unnie added and we ended up laughing. "And about what you said, we can't tell."

"But you're the best leader in this competition. You're the Nation's Leader for this season. I'm too far from it."

"But you have a bigger chance, Eun."

I gulped. Kaeun-unnie decided to return but before she went, she patted my back. "If ever I won't make it, you must play that role."

"Unnie…"

"Saku-chan would be lonely. You and Chaeyeon must take care of her. You need to take care of your future members too." Kaeun-unnie added. "Care to join me for practice? I need to show more of my aegyo to you."

I laughed again and playfully punched her before joining her to return for practice.

+++

Congratulations...Woollim Entertainment, Kwon Eunbi.

I couldn't believe it. I was eager to achieve it and now it's happening. I still couldn't believe it despite going towards the center to say my speech and going to my seat, greeting Minju, Chaewon, Hitomi, and Hyewon along the way. I hugged them tight but I hugged Chaewon the most because we got in together.

As I got to my seat, I watched Nako, Yujin, Yena, and Yuri as part of the lineup. I was happy but I grew worried about Kaeun-unnie, Sakura, and Chaeyeon. The feelings were changing from happy because Sakura and Chaeyeon made it to sad because Kaeun-unnie didn't.

I wanted to kick Kaeun-unnie's . Why did her words have to be true?

"Hey. I'm okay."

Kaeun-unnie patted our backs after we got to the dressing room. We hugged each other but Sakura hugged her longer. Chaeyeon and I left them for some space and we walked together.

"Ah...time flew so fast." Chaeyeon began. "We really got in."

"Yeah." I nodded. "It's a new beginning for us."

"I got dibs of you being the leader, unnie." Chaeyeon nudged.

"I got dibs for you as my right hand."

"Unnies~" Wonyoung waved as the other selected members were behind her.

Chaeyeon and I drew closer and we shared a huge hug. I looked far enough to do a head count and I couldn't help but chuckle.

If I were the leader and Kaeun-unnie's words become true, I'll be taking care of 11 kids.

"Where's Sakura-unnie?" Minju asked.

Sakura returned teary. Chaeyeon wiped them off and Sakura regained her smile. We did another group hug as we begin our lives as a group…

...as IZ*ONE.

+++

A lot has happened since that day. We debuted, we proved our success through awards and music show wins, and we continued to settle for more because we realize that there's always room for growth.

The same applies to me. I got selected as leader through a tear-jerking prank, I got into producing and composing songs for our albums, I became part of a production team but most of all…

...I continued to cherish the best moments with IZ*ONE; my sisters, my babies…

...my everything.

I cried as they surprised me in the dark practice room, the cake sprawled on the floor as the candles illuminated the area. I blew my candles and continued this special day celebrating with them, even I shrugged off that moment when Yena told me to get out.

As I ponder, I realize that the journey wasn't easy and that I came a long way to reach my destination. From being a back-up dancer, a part-timer, a trainee and becoming an idol, the rough sailing beneath the raging sea made my boat stronger to sail towards the shores of success.

For that, I'm thankful to my loved ones but most of all, I thank me for the continuous walk in the darkest path. I'll fly high with the girls and WIZ*ONES and be the best leader they'll ever have.