Being in the limelight wasn’t an easy thing. But with my desires to reach it, it became my story.

I was part of a huge girl group in 2014 and four years later, I would be joining a survival show in South Korea. Both of our cultures have a strong barrier between them but nonetheless, we had to go through its trials to grow and survive.

I was thankful that I was in the middle. If I was at the top, it would be pressuring. If I was at the bottom, it would be degrading. I managed to go through the classes with my determination, hoping I could reach higher opportunities of idol growth. For today, we were practicing for Nekkoya and teachers Bae Yoonjung and Choi Youngjoon were teaching us. Teacher Choi would dance with us and Teacher Bae would watch our progress.

“Eunchae and Hitomi. I just want you two to dance,” said Teacher Bae.

I was shocked but seeing the rest watch us and Teacher Bae instructing us, we had to obey. Eunchae and I went to the front and danced. I was reminded of what she mentioned during the evaluations and in my case, it was almost a slap in my face because I wanted to be given a better opportunity.

She would give us an A for dancing alone. Oh, how it rang like a bell in school.

“Alright. Let’s have a Korean trainee and Japanese trainee do it.”

I may look like a peach but my eyes said otherwise. I was driven. I wanted to show everyone that there are those among us who are good at dancing.

Dancing what we’ve practiced was like doing a battle with our flags raised. Eunchae was bearing the morning calm while I bore the rising sun. I would reckon that we were ridiculed by the evil editing of this mothering show but I was going to prove that otherwise. 

We may be Japanese but we’re just as skillful and hardworking as the others.

We were told to stop. I anticipated for Teacher Bae’s reaction. She may be smiling but I can never be sure of that.

“Both of you are doing so much better than expected, so I was shocked.”

Both of us bowed and everyone clapped. I bowed again because I was happy that my talent was acknowledged.

Hopefully, I continue this throughout the competition.

+++

It was re-evaluation day. It was also my turn and I was nervous and driven at the same time. I faced the camera, did my introduction, and prepared to dance.

Focus, Honda. You need to get to A, remember?

I was going to prove that despite my weak vocal abilities, I’ll go to A. I was going to prove that despite the less sleep and the more struggles I had, I’ll got to A.

I’ll go to A…

…and thank the Almighty that I did move up the classes. 

“Congratulations, Hiichan!”

I was facing Sakura-san, Chaeyeon-san, Kaeun-san, Soyeon-san, and Haeun-chan. They were the trainees that maintained their standing in Class A and I was thankful for their greetings and their constant approach in helping.

With the additional support, I was eager to do better again.

+++

The group evaluation was a big whoop. I was chosen by Yujin to be on her team and we would be dancing to an iconic Kpop song by the pioneer group that made this show possible. We were also competing with another Avenger-based team. I could salute to Sakura-san and Yujin for making these bold choices.

Our team was a little behind. The other team was already practicing while the Korean members had a hard time with the choreography, with Miru-neesan just following them. We were off to a standstill until I decided to step in, learn the choreography, and teach them.

The hot atmosphere didn’t help. They gathered in a circle while I stayed and learned everything just by looking at the video. Once I was satisfied and had everything in mind, I returned to our circle and went along with them…

…until I stepped in to show them how it’s done.

“Woah…” Yujin reacted.

“Hitomi-unnie, I want to learn from you,” said Wonyoung.

“Okay. Let’s all follow Hitomi-unnie.” Yujin raised a fist and the rest joined her.

I was grinning; a sign of gratefulness and eagerness to make our team learn the dance. With a little push towards determination, I repeatedly taught our group. With this gift of picking up choreographies quickly, I wanted all of us to learn faster. 

And with the group doing well, I was glad for that. Because of it, I got a higher score than my competitor, our team won…

…and I got in the Top 12.

I was thankful for everyone who voted for me. I was in spot because of many people supporting me, especially my group members. I may have lapses but I was thankful that we all worked hard together.

After my speech, I got to my seat as I hope for a cheerful journey ahead. 

+++

The position evaluation had its advantages for the Top 12. Each of us made use of our core talent and picked a position that suited us. For my case, I chose dance and Touch as the song.

But this was difficult. Most of us had absolutely no experience in making choreography, making us anxious. Nonetheless, we tried as long as we deliver a performance. As a result, I was in second place in our group and was still in the Top 12.

Many of the trainees’ ranks have changed but I was more than thankful to retain my position at 12th. With the nervousness, I got my note in Korean and read it.

“I really want to debut in Korea. I won’t let go. Please continue to be my strength from here on out.”

After the same rites that came and went, I realized that my own guts weren’t the only thing needed towards success. I also needed support.

And like I said earlier, I hoped that it becomes my strength from here on out.

+++

The concept evaluation was another hell. It was also the first time I’m driven with the main thing that all trainees wanted to be.

Being center.

I’ve never had the center position. In my case in our teams and in the case between us as centers, Wonyoung has the most experience. For some reason, I couldn’t help but do my best so that she doesn’t outshine me.

Teacher Lee Hongki asked us to sing a specific line and I was starting to get nervous because many said I was a bad singer. Nonetheless, I had to try.

“She’s good. That was good.”

I was shocked. I even saw Teacher Kim smiling because of how good it was. I was thankful and it made me happy and confident.

But even when the final lineup was made, the competition for center was far from over.

“Who wants to be center?” Nayoung asked.

Wonyoung and I raised our hands. Both of us were tentative centers for our former teams but knowing that this was the big thing, I wanted to be the real center. Wonyoung and I showcased our charms and when we were done, Nayoung and Doah were at a corner to decice. Miru-neesan wasn’t around yet, leaving at a hanging cliff of uncertainty.

Both of us have opposing lapses. I was an good dancer but an average charmer. Wonyoung was an average dancer but a good charmer. This was a hard decision for Doah and Nayoung while for Wonyoung and me, we would make a good team.

I felt the uncertainty. The cultural barrier would be a factor despite it not being a total factor of their decisions. It’s just that when Doah and Nayoung were discussing, it was an indirect way of saying that Wonyoung had a bigger chance of being chosen.

And thus, my conscience voiced out.

“Excuse me.” I raised. “I’ll tell you the reason why I want to be the center…so I’d like it if you could lend me an ear.”

It was between three Koreans and a single Japanese. I couldn’t understand these sentiments myself. Somehow, the uncertainty made me nervous to the point that I must speak out for it to calm me.

“I know that I fall short a bit when it comes to my facial expressions so I wanted to convey my feelings with my words.” I began. “When I heard this song, I felt really confident and wanted to be the center for the first time. I want to be the center as a way of taking the challenge."

“First of all, we chose the person who will be the center, and…” Nayoung breathed out. “…we chose Wonyoung.”

Wonyoung became teary. She somehow read my emotions. I couldn’t be selfish either because this was for the group. 

But why am I crying despite saying that it was okay?

I shook my head many times despite my tears. I was upset. I was upset that I couldn’t be the official center but in another point, maybe it was a message for me to try harder. 

“Who wants to be the main vocalist?” Nayoung asked. “Hitomi?”

Nice try, Nayoung.

“No. No, thank you.” I spoke while I crouched like a puppy.

“How about the first supporting vocalist?” 

Nice try again, Nayoung.

“No thanks. It has a high note.” I added. “I’m afraid that I’ll be just a burden to you all.”

“Second supporting vocalist, perhaps?”

What a idea.

“That’s the position I want but then, Miru-neesan will have to switch parts.” 

Miru-neesan isn’t here. It would be an advantage to just take her part as established but it would be too selfish now, wouldn’t it? So for some reason, I took a different challenge by being a first supporting vocalist.

But it was difficult. Again. I try to pronounce the words right and try to reach the expected pitch but it was just really hard. Nonetheless, if I work hard and don’t get frustrated, I’ll get good results.

Even though I’m not the center, I’ll work hard so I can shine brighter than anyone else.

“To be honest, I think Honda Hitomi sang her part very well.” Representative Lee said.

“She’s like a baby…so cute.” Teacher Bae added.

“I agree. Hitomi sang her part so well,” said Teacher Kim.

I couldn’t hold my cheeky smile. That continued until the recordings, the performance proper, the announcement that our team won and of my places.

I was 3rd in our group and 11th overall – both in the concept evaluation and the third elimination.

I continued to be thankful and to be strong for my supporters and for my own growth.

+++

The debut evaluation was the final stand and I became cheekier than before, moving tags off to replace mine and having it removed so that it was placed to another song with a position I tried to avoid, all thanks to Miu.

“Reverse card.” She winked before returning to her spot.

“Gosh…” I muttered, putting a palm on my forehead.

It didn’t become a joke. It came to a point that Teacher Lee had to compliment me with the good and bad. My voice was suitable but casually singing with it made me look like a bad singer.

A bad singer. Again.

But hey. It was a challenge I needed to secure a spot in the final lineup…

…and boy, did I weep and collapse because of it?

“In ninth place…AKB48’s Honda Hitomi!”

I was on the floor, sobbing recklessly. It took me time to stand up and do the rites all over again and just cry because after everything, I got to be in this spot, in this spot that was made possible with my own will and the support of others.

It was history down in the books of my ambitions as an idol and I was glad to write it down so that my future self can thank me later.

+++

That time came.

After celebrating a wonderful birthday with the members, I had some time for myself. With a lit birthday cake with grapes on top, I  sat down and decided to write a letter.

Since I was young, I really liked singing and dancing. And with singing and dancing that I like, I want to be someone who could give strength to many people, so I wanted to become a singer.

I jumped into the world of idol stars with hope but every time I met someone who was better than me, I lost my confidence. I used to like those things so much but when I compared myself to others, I felt like I was nothing. What gave me strength in those moments was the encouragement from my fans.

“You are not insignificant at all.”

Thanks to these words that I still can’t forget until now, I gained the strength to stand on the stage again and I am where I am today. I believe that my birthday is not a day of being congratulated but a day that I express my feelings to those whom I’m thankful for. So today, I want to tell WIZ*ONEs how I feel.

Thank you so much for always loving me and making me happy. I believe a grown-up is someone who is flexible and strong. Even if hardships come, do you need to be fluid like water and turn them into valuable experiences to finally become a grown-up?

I believe that Hitomi, who is a grown-up, will become a happy person who doesn’t miss even little happiness and who is thankful to everyone so that I can thank you on October 6th next year. 

Hitomi will be mature.

Thank you again for today.

As I put the pencil down, I sighed with much happiness. This letter will go down in history…

…in my history.