Ahri
Finished 2/2/2014

Of Wishes and Fists
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/617902/of-wishes-and-fists-comedy-romance-exo-kai-sehun-chanyeol-kris

About: Sehun(OC)+OC, comedy, romance, high school, crime, action

Title: 5/5 First of all, I just want to say, I love your title because I am a big fan of “Of…and…” titles. At the moment, the title doesn’t really relate to the story, but I can somehow see how it would relate later on, judging from your foreword.

Foreword: 10/10 I love your foreword. It’s so unique and neat! Although the “And so his adventure begins this way” part gives quite a bit of the story, you manage to keep it discreet enough for the readers to still be interested. The way you write your characters is also very creative, so points for that. This is the first time I seen someone describe their characters in the picture as well instead of just using it as a visual presentation.

Plot: 20/20 I absolutely love the plot and everything about it. You don’t hesitate to make the characters do things that are considered degrading, like sleeping on a bench in the park. I know a lot of writers who won’t allow their characters to be homeless or beg since they find it too embarrassing apparently. At first when I read chapter one, I thought, “Oh it’s another rich playboy turned humble gentleman” but you proved me wrong with that twist at chapter one in the airport when Sehun got robbed. I did not expect that to happen at all. When I was reading it, I thought Eunchan was his hired by his father or something like that. Then afterwards, everything just fell into place to create a completely unique story.

Characters: 18/20 One really small thing that I noticed is when Sehun and Chanyeol were fighting in the airport and Sehun got taken down by Eunchan, the crowd dispersed just like that. It was almost like there wasn’t even a fight in the first place. Normally, they would check up on Sehun or try to stop Eunchan or even stand there, frozen, since they don’t know what just happened. Was that only an act put on by rowdy teenagers looking for attention or was that a real fight? Another thing is that they’re wearing masks in the airport in front of everyone. I’m just a bit surprised the guards didn’t question them since they look really suspicious. Is there a reason for that since Kris and Chanyeol are pretty tall too? It’s only those parts that are a bit unrealistic. Everything else is great.

Grammar and Spelling: 20/20 Absolutely no mistakes at all. Your tenses are kept the same throughout the entire story, there are not run-on sentences, and everything is perfect. Amazing job.

Flow: 14/15 Though the flow is good for the plot, it’s a bit too fast for chapter one. It feels a bit rushed since we don’t know a lot about Sehun yet we’re already seeing him being sent to Korea. It’s great that you add some background information on him in the process, regarding his mother’s death, his stepmother, and his love life, but just try to delay his departure until you show more of his life. It feels like he gets to Korea too suddenly since what is life like for him in Japan? Does he know any neighbors? Does he have any friends or anyone to that he will miss in Japan? After that, everything smoothed out.

Enjoyment: 5/5 Woah. That’s all I can think of after reading this. You are one of those writers that don’t hesitate to go all out to give your story a unique vibe. You give your characters flaws that are can be related. Splendid job.

Structure: 5/5 The way you space your paragraphs is very helpful for reviewing. It also makes the story easy to read, which is good.

Overall: 97/100 The plot, spelling and grammar, and characterization are very well-written. There are only two moments where your characters are off, but overall, everything is great. This is one of those stories that capture the true essence of life instead of trying hard to make the characters more perfect; you try to make your characters imperfect instead.

Reply: Thank you Ahri! You really touched upon some of the stuff that I was worried about in my story, like how chapter one felt a little rushed. I felt like there was something off but I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was and how to make it better so thank you pointing it out! And I meant for the airport scene to be kind of ridiculous but you're right, I should incorporate some logic in there as well haha. Wow thanks again, I wasn't expecting that high of a score but your review really boosted my confidence (which was actually nonexistent before ^^;;) as a writer. I'll definitely be making some changes to my story based on your critiques!