Bleu
Finished on 12/31/2013

Preludio de Armonicos
https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/618743/preludio-de-arm--nicos-angst-romance-exo-kai-tradgedy-kyungsoo-kaisoo

About: angst, romance, Kai(EXO), D.O(EXO), Baekhyun(EXO), Chanyeol(EXO),music, family jealousy

Title 5/5– The title is really eye-catching and unique. I also like how you told us what the title meant in the foreword, 'The Harmonic Prelude'. There could be some people who are too ignorant to search up what 'Prelude' means, so I suggest putting an author note saying that it's the introductory of a piece of music; most commonly used as an orchestral opening. I really love how you used the word 'Harmonic', it represents how Kyungsoo and Jongin are so different, yet put together, they will make a beautiful sound. I feel like how the word 'Prelude' represents how the moments they spend together, shall be the introductory of their new life. I like how you didn't just pick a title that looks pretty, and it's unique. You actually thought through and picked a title that is really relevant–and it has a deep meaning.

Foreword 8/10– The foreword and description is really deep and emotional, the only thing I don't like about it is that you give indirect nouns. In the foreword, even though it was obvious who you were talking about, you didn't mention if you were talking about Kyungsoo, or Jongin. I suggest you should put Jongin's name in at least one of the sentences in the foreword–since there are some people who are too ignorant. Your foreword doesn't give too little or too much information, like Goldilocks would say, it wasjust right. I really like how you gave us a glimpse of their relationship. Melodic means that the 'notes' resemble each other, there are not too many high notes, or too many low notes, they are all clustered together. Harmonic means that the 'notes' are different–meaning they are wide-spread and have outliers. Although they are different, when they come together, they will make a beautiful sound. Like Kyungsoo and Jongin, they don't resemble each other, but when they come together, it would sound as if they were one person. Also, I noticed that you used the British English way to spell 'signaled' or 'signalled'.Your foreword and description have a few run-off sentences, and I feel like if you add some words, it would make more sense to the reader. Such as...

❁ “Jongin's life is best represented as a string of orchestral pieces. Each moment could be transposed onto a staff, and played with his Stradivarius violin.” should be,”Jongin's life can be best represented as a string of orchestral pieces. Each moment of his life can be transposed onto a musical staff, and can be played with hisStradivarius violin.

❁ “Kyungsoo's is best defined as the audience to which this concerto is performed to. His eyes trained on the boy as he reads between the long tremolos and up-bowed staccatos.” should be,” Kyungsoo's life can be best defined as the audience, to which this concerto is being performed to. His eyes are trained on the boy, as he reads between the long tremolos and up-bowed staccatos.”

❁ “His entire life prior to the meeting of the wide-eyed soul was nothing more than fine-tuning.” should be,”His entire life prior to the meeting of this wide-eyed soul, was nothing more than fine-tuning.”

❁ “But that wasn't what he saw. He saw beautiful things. He looked out and saw beautiful Spring days, and much colder nights. He saw pain, and happiness that succeeded it.” should be,”But that wasn't what Jongin saw. Jongin saw beautiful things. As he looked out into the crowd, he saw beautiful spring days, and cold winter nights. He saw pain, and happiness that succeeded it.”

Plot 17/20– I love how you gave us a glimpse of Jongin's passion for orchestra. How he got into it, and how much his passion has grown over the years of his life. I love how you make the readers feel as if they were in the story themselves. You don't just talk about Jongin's point of view, you also talk about Kyungsoo's as well. I like how you introduced these two separately. The only thing I don't like about your story is that it lacks action. Besides from Jongin going to the hospital there's not much else.

Characters 17/20– I really love how you showed Jongin's constant and consistent passion for orchestra. From the beginning of his toddler years, to the day he shall sleep forever. You clearly told me that Jongin didn't want to just watch the stage, he wanted to be on the stage. He wanted to be part of the higher class. I've been wondering though, did Jongin gain perfect pitch or was he born with it? Throughout the story, you gave us readers glimpses of Jongin's jealousy towards Chanyeol. Chanyeol wasn't passionate for music, neither did he try hard. For Jongin it took him many hard-working hours to perfect his violin. But for Chanyeol, it only took him mere-days. I like how Kyungsoo and Jongin aren't 'perfect'. They each have their own flaws, each have their own talents, but if they come together, they will make a perfect harmony. I feel like Kyungsoo's ambition was lighten up by Jongin's performance. Kyungsoo helped Jongin come out of the light. He helped him get over his jealousy for Chanyeol. The only thing I don't like about is that the relationship between is really slow, I wish there was more action.

Grammar and Spelling 16/20– You have little to no spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes. By the way, I noticed you used the British English way to spell signaled so I won't mark any points off. I really like how you don't overuse pronouns, I have a huge pet-peeve when people always start a sentence with either, 'he', 'she', or 'I'. You have a few run-off sentences, but they aren't that noticeable. Also, you should never, ever, start a sentence with the word 'But' unless you have a special reason to. I feel like there are a lot of sentences where you can improve on. There are times where your sentences don't make much sense. So I suggest either changing the tenses, adding conjunctions or prepositions, etc. Such as..

In chapter one...

❁”He was already sweating from having practiced himself to oblivion.” should be,”He was already sweating from practicing himself to oblivion.”

❁”...,he would send you an icy look signifying that whether he did or didn't need a glass of water, it was time for you to take your outside and leave him to practice more. He refused to allow his arms to tire from holding the instrument up, nor did he let his fingers falter, or his concentration break. He was at his peak, and the performance to come was to be the most important.” should be,”...,he would send you an icy look, signifying if he did or didn't need a glass of water. If he didn't though, it was time for you to take your outside, and leave him alone to practice more. He refuse to allow his arms to tire from holding the instrument up, nor did he let his fingers falter, and he certainly didn't let his concentration break. He may have been at his peak, but the upcoming performance was to be the most important.”

❁”But the reason for his stress wasn't the performance itself, but rather one single member of the crowd that came every year.” should be,”The true reason for his stress wasn't the performance itself–but rather a single member of the crowd, that comes every single year.”

In chapter two...

❁”...he boomed with a voice that didn't really need a microphone to project it's way across the room. A vociferous boom of applause and cheering followed his words. He paused for a second to let the noise die down, before launching back into speech, putting on a voice that seemed so summon the power and charisma of the great monarchs, leaders and presidents of the past.” should be,”...He boomed with a voice that didn't even need a microphone to project his powerful voice across the room. A vociferous boom of applause and cheering followed from his words. Before launching back into the speech, he paused for a second to let the noise die down, putting on a voice that seemed to summon the power and charisma of the great monarchs, and the past leaders and presidents.”

❁”They are equipped with instruments branching all throughout the parts of orchestra, and I can assure you now that there will not be a single dull moment for you sitting there. So I invite you to sit, relax, and once again, thank you for coming here tonight. All proceeds will go directly to Hospital funds, and other health research charities. I will now introduce our first act, best known as Miss A!” should be,”They are equipped with instruments branching all throughout the tree of orchestra. I can assure you now that there will not be a single dull moment for you sitting there. So I invite you to sit, relax, and once again, thank you very much for coming here tonight.All proceeds will go directly to hospital funds, and other health research charities. I will now introduce our first act, best known as Miss A!”

❁”You haven't practised enough you aren't ready you fool!”, but that thought was quickly ushered away by fierce determination and a steadfast need for success.” should be,”You haven't practised enough, you aren't close to being ready you fool!” but that thought was quickly ushered away by fierce determination, and a steadfast need for glory and success.”

In chapter three...

❁”If you had listened to us and taking a break everything would be fine!”.” should be,”If you had listened to us in the first place, and had taken a break, everything would be fine!”

❁”The visitor, noticing this, was quick to make amends. And before you get upset and start believing that this is about Chanyeol, it isn't about him either. It's about you.” should be,”The visitor, having noticed this, was quick enough to make amends. “And before you get upset and start believing that this is about Chanyeol, it isn't about him. It's about you.”

There are more corrections to be made in the follow chapters, but I don't feel obligated to correct them all for you.

Flow 10/15–Your story is really detailed and well organized. The only thing I don't like is that it lacks romance and action. Although it is an angst, I wish there was some evolution between Jongin and Kyungsoo's relationship. I don't know if you're going to put in a lot more romance and action later in the story. Since I'm not quite sure how long you're going to make the fanfic.

Enjoyment 3/5–The story is really detailed and organized. There is a lot of angst, which I'm a huge er for. I really wish this story had more cliffhanger and twists. There's not much excitement in the story. Its so..well..monochrome. I don't know if you're still working on introducing the story or not.

Structure 4/5– I love your chapter names, it gives us readers(well the readers who understand what the music words man) a little information of what the chapter is going to be about. Also, your paragraph spacings are perfect, but for some reason, I feel like it makes your story look really cramped. Also, your font type, color, and size is perfect, nothing to complain about it.

Overall 80/100– The story is really organized, and there are many details. The only thing I don't like is that you have some sentences that don't make sense. I suggest adding conjunctions or prepositions. Also, your flow is a little to slow for my liking. I wish you could add more twists or cliffhangers, or add more romance or action.

Reply: Sorry! Just got onto my computer to find that I'd gotten my review! Thank you so much! I've already given credit in my foreword :D. I really appreciate the constructive criticism, because a lot of review shops don't go into as much detail as you did. I'm really so grateful! Maybe once I've finished I'll request again :D