2 MeckieQue
❁The First Crimson Moon❁
Bleu
Finished on 2/1/2014
Twilight: Breaking The Dusk
About: EXO12, JYJ, TVXQ, VIXX, mpreg, taoris, krisyeol, sudo, xiuhan, kailay
Title 3/5–Your title is really eye-catching, since it is a book/movie title, and it definatly is relevant to the story no doubt about it. Well, it's not like I can really complain about your title's relevance or anything, after all, it is just the same title as a movie/book. The title is short and simple, and instead of just having it 'Twilight', you added the sequel name. I personally don't like how this is a title of something already created, but I can't really complain since it is not against any rules or anything, just my perference. Unfortunately, I personally have never read or watched Twilight...so this story is all new to me.
Foreword 6/10– The first thing I saw that really caught my eyes in the foreword is the characters, you have way too many groups in your story. It's also super hard for me to remember the characters names, unless I have to keep switching back and forth from the chapters to the foreword. This really lacks originality, but since your sorta re-creating the Twilight Saga, it's alright. Another thing I super don't like is where you literally just told us the couples, what's the fun if you do that? There's not excitement trying to figure out whose going to end up with who. I feel like your foreword is a little bit too sloppy, there are sentences/paragraphs everywhere, and there isn't really a line to separate them. I suggest adding a horizontal line so people can tell the difference. You have many mistakes in your description and foreword, such as...
❁”I will always stuck by your side...
until the end of the world...
I'll be your Juliet and you'll be my Romeo...
Until death do us a part...” should be,
“I will always stick by your side...
Until the end of the world...
I'll be your Juliet and you'll be my Romeo...
Until death do us a part...”
The reason I changed this quote is because well, it was really inconsistent. You capitalized the 'Until' in the last phrase, but not in the second phrase. Why didn't you? I see no reason why you didn't just capitalize both. Also, instead of 'stuck' it should have been 'stick', since stuck isn't the correct tense in this quote, if you don't like how that sounds you can also try,”I will always be by your side...”
❁”Kris Wu Yifan never thought that his normal life suddenly changed into a dramatic saga when he stuck between the forbidden love with the wolf and the vampire.” should be,”Kris Wu Yifan never though that his normal life would suddenly change into a dramatic saga; when he stuck between the forbidden love with a wolf, and a vampire.”
The reason I changed this quote is because well, it was just way too long, and it was clearly a run-off sentence. A way to detect run-off sentences is by just saying it out loud, if you feel like you're talking a lot and you haven't paused in a while, that that is a run-off sentence. Also, you started your sentence with the wrong tense.
❁”[Names/characters my be changed in the future and some OC would be added soon]” should be,”[Names/Characters may be changed in the future, and possibly some OC's would be added as well]”
The reason I changed this quote is because it was really choppy, and it had one miss-spell.
Plot 16/20–I really love that foreshadowing you did in chapter one,”And I was so stupid to think that things would be normal for me around here.” It gave me chills actually, I was wondering what was going to happen next. I was kinda surprised when you said Kris was gay in chapter two, cause in chapter one, there wasn't really any signs that he was gay. And the fact that his step-dad was hitting on him didn't really make it clear either. I feel like you should give a better introduction that,”If I wasn't gay, I would date her.” I feel like the END POV in chapter two was a little, un-expected? It doesn't really seem to connect with that chapter at all..I find it a little bit..worthless? I feel like, this story is really overwhelming, probably because of the many characters you have. Also, you do an amazing job adding foreshadowing.
Characters 15/20–I personally hate the fact you gave the characters a different name, for example, Kim Minseok is now Francis Kim Minseok. I feel like it kinda ruins the idea. Like, I don't really see the reason why you gave them a different name..after all this is supposed to be on ASIANfanfic. I personally feel like Kris acts too much lik a girl, I understand that he is supposed to be playing Bella, but he is still a guy. An example of him acting like a girl is,”'Fine, I'll pack my stuff soon. Gosh! Can you leave me for a sec mom? I'm trying to focus on my mag here'”. I like how you gave many foreshadows of Tao being a vampire, expecially that 'sensitive teeth' part. You have too many characters, and I think sometimes you just group them together, expecially in the beginning of chapter 3. You just pretty much introduced too many characters at once. I can barely remember them. And they don't have any like, specific meaning in the story, I feel like they are more minor characters.
Grammar and Spelling 15/20– You have a huge tendency of forgetting the period before the end of a dialogue! There are times where you just end the dialogue with the apostrophe, and you don't even bother to but either a comma or period there. I notice this happens when you're connecting dialogue with another sentence, instead of putting a period before the apostrophe, you should a comma. You do a really good job at transitioning, there are no stains at all, it's spotless. There are times where you overuse a pronoun, like I, I suggest changing it up at times, or maybe not use it in that sentence at all. Instead, add branch sentences. Always use three dots if you're trying to do '…' Three is the magic number, it's not too much or not too little. Never use more and never use less.
❁”Come on Kris, it's your dad we're talking about? He loves you” I looked up from my magazine and shrugged.” should be,”Come on Kris, it's your dad we're talking about! He loves you.” I looked up from my magazine and shrugged.”
The reason I changed this sentence was because you didn't put a comma before the apostrophe, another thing is, why would you put a question mark? She's not asking a question, neither is she talking in the way you can put it in a question. I was really confused at this.
❁”'Fine, I'll pack my stuff soon. Gosh! Can you leave me for a sec mom? I'm trying to focus on my mag here” my mother, Diana smiled at me and patted my blonde hair.” should be,”'Fine, I'll pack my stuff soon. Gosh! Can you leave me for a sec mom? I'm trying to focus on my mag here,” Diana, my mother, smiled at me and patted my blonde hair.”
The reason I changed this sentence is because you didn't put a comma before the apostrophe, another thing is, I felt like it would sound less choppy if I added a middle-branch sentence into your sentence.
❁”They have the palest skin ever, except the one with the auburn hair. I don't know what's wrong with him until he became a tan-skinned. They are the smartest students, I mean they passed every single damn examination with flying colors. And I heard a rumor that say...” my eyes grew bigger as Niel leaned closer to me. Then he whispered something to me....that sounds....quite shocking. “-they sleep in a coffin and feed themselves with blood?” and that was so ridiculous. I mean what kind of human slept in a coffin and feed themselves with blood? Except, if they were vampires. But vampires were exist, right?” should be,”They have the palest skin ever, except for the one with the auburn hair. I don't know what's wrong with him, and why he became a tan-skinned. They are the smartest students in the whole school, I mean, they always pass every single dam examination with flying colors. And I heard a interesting rumor about them...” My eyes widened as Niel leaned closer to me. Then he whispered something to me...that sounded...quite shocking.”-they sleep in a coffin and they feed themselves with blood.” and that was ridiculous. I mean what kind of human sleeps in a coffin and feeds themselves with blood? Unless they were vampires. But vampires don't exist, right?”
The reason I changed this paragraph was because it was really choppy and all over the place. First of, you used the wrong tense most of the times. Another thing is, there are times where some of your sentences don't even make any sense.
Flow 15/15–The flow is perfect as it is, you do an amazing job at transitioning between places and time, which is actually really hard for some people to do. Also, this story is really organized, I don't know if this is because you followed the layout of the original story, since I haven't read it or have I watched it, I'm not quite sure.
Enjoyment 3/5–I personally wasn't really a huge fan of this story, you sometimes have foreshadowing that doesn't even fit with the chapter itself. Also, I really wish you added some more originality into this, I feel like its just Twilight but added korean guys. But this is just my preference, maybe like a super-hardcore Twilight fan would really enjoy this.
Structure 3/5–I like how you told use exactly whose POV it was by adding a headline, it really makes us readers not confused on whose talking. Is there a way for you to remove the links below some of your words? I don't know if it's just me, but I really find it annoying when asianfanfic's does that to a writing. During Kris and Albert's call, I feel like you should make it a lighter gray, or either italacizing it, or do anything so it would look different than the other text. The paragraph spacings, font color, size, and type are all perfect as it is. No complains what so ever.
Overall 76/100–You have a huge tendency of forgetting the period; question mark, comma, or exclamation mark before the apostrophe. Remember, if you plan to connect your dialogue with like a ending branch, you must always put a comma. Also, I feel like you have way too many characters in your story, tone it down a bit, I mean they are all like grouped together, they don't really have their own personality.
Reply: Thanks a lot for this review Bleu, now I know what I did wrong. Thanks a lot!!
That's why I choose you to be my reviewer ^_^
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