Ahri
Finished 12/26/2013

Where The World Begins

https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/609411/where-the-world-begins-angst-romance-exo-chanyeol

About: Chanyeol(Exo)+OC, romance, angst, memory loss, disease

Title: 3/5 It doesn’t really relate to the story. It feels like you made that title out of desperation for a title. It could relate to Hali losing her memory, but how exactly? A more relatable title could be ‘The Memory of You’ or ‘Going Away’, etc.

Foreword: 9/10 The only mistake I could find is “Her smile was infectious, her laughter brought joy. But those things are gone now.” Should be ‘Her smile was infectious; her laughter brought joy. Those things are gone now.’ That is a run-on sentence, and you should never start a sentence with ‘but’. I like how you add an excerpt to the foreword to give readers a glimpse of the overall plot.

Plot: 18/20 I like the overall uniqueness of the plot, but there are some spots that are really unexplained. For example, what is Hali’s disease? Can you specify the name and some symptoms of it?

Characters: 19/20 While I like how you write out in details Chanyeol’s worry over Hali’s disease, but you should show Hali’s worry over herself more. You should describe how her smiles look forced sometimes, or her voice isn’t steady or confident.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 You did a good job sticking to past tense, and there are no run-on sentences whatsoever. You only have a few mistakes that can be fix easily.
In chapter one, “...not safe for you to drive now.” I spoke softly…” should be …not safe for you to drive now,” I spoke softly…” When writing dialogue, if it’s not a question or an exclamation, the dialogue should end in a comma unless it doesn’t say ‘I said’.

In chapter two, “…I found myself smiling a handful of times he ever I saw her smiling.” should be ‘…I found myself smiling a handful of times whenever I saw her smiling.’

In chapter four, “I don’t’ have as story.” should be “I don’t have a story.”

Flow: 13/15 I feel like it’s too slow. It’s also only focused on one event; there’s nothing else to spice up the story. It almost feels like the story will end any minute, not like it’s still going on. It’s so flat.

Enjoyment: 5/5 You provide lots of details to bring the readers into your story, allowing them to feel Chanyeol’s sadness and worry.

Structure: 5/5 Everything is orderly, and nothing is out of place.

Overall: 90/100 The plot, spelling and grammar, and characterization is good in total. There are only a few spots where you need to elaborate on, like Hali’s unknown disease and the title.

Reply: Received! I'll credit when I get a chance to be in the computer (which might be in a few days since I'm out of town). The cover thing actually relates to something that will happen later, but I can see how it doesn't match up quite yet.