Ahri
Finished on 10/?/2013

Parallel Hearts
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/510142/parallel-hearts-oneshot-romance-exo-tao-kris-taoris

About: Kris(Exo)+Tao(Exo), high school, romance, crush, wallflower and kingka

Title: 5/5 Short and lovely, it is perfect. It fits your story beautifully.

Foreword: 9/10 I love how to the point it is. You provided enough information for us to get to know the character without giving away too much. Just too very small mistakes. 'Inlove' should be seperated because they are both seperate words. And in the foreword, "Wait I know that voice" should be "Wait, I knew that voice" since you have been writing in past tense.

Plot: 15/25 Your plot is extremely cliche and overused but I guess you redeemed yourself in the end with the alarm thing. That is a huge twist to the whole storyline so it's a good thing. 

Characters: 19/25 I feel that Tao acted impulsively when he found out that Kris was in the club. He just abandoned everything and ran to him but the thing is, he's a sophomore, so he's underage. I don't think underage kids are allowed in clubs. And then he drank alcohol in the club like it was no big deal.

Grammar and Spelling: 14/20 Like many others, you switch from present tense to past tense many times. Also, remember only one person is supposed to speak in one paragraph. When another person starts talking, write it in a new paragraph.

"My name is Huang Zitao, I'm a Chinese guy living in the lands of South Korea, a sophomore, I'm a wallflower." Remove the commas and either replace them with periods or connect the sentences because this is a run on sentence. "My name is Huang Zitao, a Chinese guy living in the lands of South Korea. I'm a sophomore. And I am also a wallflower." Since I can't exactly tell if you are using mainly past or present tense, I just wrote it in present.

"This is the lasting I wanted him to see..." should be "This was the last thing I wanted him to see..." Like what I said above, I don't know your tense.

• Flow: 13/15 Your flow is ok but I think you need to add some details describing Tao's feelings along the way.
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  Overall: 75/100 Throughout the story, you switched many times from past tense to present tense. Some things don't make sense, like Tao and Baekhyun entering a club with ease even though they are underage. Otherwise, pretty okay.

Redo #1

Ahri
Finished 12/1/2013

Parallel Hearts
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/510142/parallel-hearts-oneshot-romance-exo-tao-kris-taoris

About: Kris(Exo)+Tao(Exo), oneshot, high school, romance, crush, kingka and wallflower

Title: 4/5 It's a nice title, but it's not really relevant to the story. What does parallel hearts have to do with the story in general? Try 'Noticed', 'Unnoticed', etc.

Foreword: 8/10 "Huang Zitao, a normal teenager of SM High, a wallflower." should be 'Huang Zitao, a normal teenager from SM High, and a wallflower.' because what you wrote is a run-on sentence. The same goes for Kris's description. "...I heard someone call my name, I felt my heart beat faster." should be '...I heard someone call my name; I felt my heart beat faster." That is a run-on sentence as well, so it should be seperated with a semi-colon or period. "Tao, a sophomore, has a crush on Kris since, like, forever." would be better since it's present tense.

Plot: 16/20 It's just so cliché at some parts. The whole kingka and wallflower, going to the bar, and confessing in that way is in a lot of stories. I like the twist at the end though.

Characters: 15/20 The fact that Kris is allowed into a club means bad news for Tao, so you should show Tao struggling with the fact that he is in love with a bad boy. Also, Tao and Baekhyun both are allowed into a club even though they are underage. You should say that they look older than their actual ages, or Baekhyun made fake IDs, but the thing bothering me is that there is nothing about their parents. How did they get to the club without their parents noticing, and where are theire parents anyway? Tao is also drinking alcohol and getting drunk like he does this on a daily basis. You should write that Baekhyun made him, or Tao was just copying Kris.

Grammar and Spelling: 15/20 Right from the first paragraph, you switched from present tense to past tense. You also have quite a few run-on sentences which should be seperated with a period or a semi-colon. Note that only one person should speak in each paragraph, so everytime someone else speaks, create another paragraph for them.

In chapter one, "I chocked and started coughing violently." should be 'I choked and started coughing violently.'
2. "...ever since I layed eyes upon you I instatly knew that I like you." should be '...ever since I laid my eyes upon you I instantly knew that I liked you.'
3. "...and looked down immedietly when I saw him looking at me with an unreadable..." should be '...and looked down immediately when I saw him looking at me with an unreadable...'
4. "Tao why don't give ourselves a challenge and let's go talk to them?" should be "Tao, why don't we give ourselves a challenge? Let's go talk to them."
5. "He smiled but still confused." should be 'He smiled, but he was confused.'
6. "This is the lasting I wanted..." should be 'This is the last thing I wanted...'

Enjoyment: 4/5 I like the overall plot of the story, Tao and Kris's relationship, and the cute fluff here, but the fact that the dialogue is all squished together in some paragraphs just makes it hard to read and understand.

Structure: 4/5 Like I stated above, in some paragraphs, your dialogue is squished together, making it hard to understand.

Overall: 66/85=78 Since this is a oneshot, flow is not included. While your plot is cliché, the characters are weakly described, and the spelling is not great, I can see the outline of a soft fluffy story of a wallflower's crush on the kingka and his desire for it to be returned.

Reply: Thank you for the review and I'm really glad of the outcome because, me, being a first time writer 75 is a really great score. Thanks again! I'll credit your shop once I get home. ^^