Katrina
Finished 2/3/2014

My Bloody Eye Sight.
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/356000/my-bloody-eye-sight-angst-horror-infinite-mystery-myungsoo-you-exo

About: Myungsoo(Infinite)+OC, Infinite, Exo-K, horror, mystery, DID, mental disorder, character deaths,

Title: 3/5 First of all, for your title, never put a period at the end of it because a title is not a sentence. Technically, it may be, but a title is more of a name, so a period makes it sound like a full stop, like the story doesn't go further than the title. Eye Sight should be Eyesight since they are actually one word. The other thing is that your title doesn't relate to your story that well.

Foreword: 8/10 "...where all the friends were supposed to meet up to relive their past turned out..." should be '...where all the friends were supposed to meet up to relive their past turns out...' Also for Nam Hye Su's description, saying that she is given the name Hye Mi when she's y doesn't really give the readers an understanding of her condition. You should write that her other self is called Hye Mi instead of saying she is given that name. For Infinite's description, "...they graduated high school, that's why they planned..." should be '...they graduated high school. That's why they plan to take a week off and spend time together.' For Exo-K "Rich(most of them), free and spoiled brats." should be 'Most of them are rich, independent, and spoiled brats.' I'm guessing independent is what you mean by "free". Otherwise, your foreword is very neat and well-organized.

Plot: 17/20 From the foreword, I thought this would be a mystery involving the mansion and all, but the first few chapters, you did nothing but focus on Hye Su's disorder. It is too focused on Infinite and Hye Su; there's no element of mystery or horror to set the story in motion. There's nothing to make the readers anticipate any action because there aren't any. The story is too focused on one thing without branching off and showing other elements to surprise the readers and keep them on their feet, wanting more.

Characters: 15/20 Infinite all seem like the exact same person. They don't have their own individual personality or anything that the readers can use to tell them apart. In the flashback in chapter two, I noticed a lot of mistakes. It seems like you really wanted to write this story and in your rush, you didn't think thoroughly enough. First of all, when Hye Su and Woohyun's parents were killed, the people nearby wouldn't be insulting them since they'll be too shocked to say anything. A car just got smashed, and two people died right in front of them. If you were standing there, and you just saw the whole thing, would you insult the people who just died? Or would you stand there, scared and too shocked to move, since a whole car with passengers in it just got smashed into pieces in front in you? I, personally, would be frozen in my spot, too terrified to move. Also, the children of the victims would usually be comforted by the people nearby instead of being told it was their parents' faults. All in all, the passerbys acted too unrealistically. Second, who took care of Hye Su and Woohyun afterwards? They are too young to live alone, so a social worker had to have come by. Third, describe how Hye Su got used to DID. It's not everyday that someone finds out they have another side to them, so describe her feelings at that time. She should have been really scared, depressed, and all, so show the readers how she felt and how she dealt with it. In chapter five, after the car accident, you completely forgot about Chanyeol. What happened to him? How did he get home? When did he leave the scene? Otherwise, I do like how you specify Hye Su's disorder instead of just saying that she happens to have two sides to her, and it shows that you did a lot of research on her disorder.

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 You sometimes switch from second-person POV to third-person POV. Try to stick to second-person since that seems like your main. If you actually want to switch POV, write Woohyun's(or whoever's) POV in either bold or italic before you change, like how you write 1 hour later (etc). Another thing, when writing numbers in a story, even if it's a section title like 1 hour later, you should always write it out in word form. Also, you have quite a few run-on sentences. Try to seperate sentences that are really long with either a conjunction word or a semi-colon. Otherwise, you have pretty good spelling and grammar.

Chapter one, (I can't really make out individual paragraphs, so I'm bunching the sections together) Section 3 "Something similar and Sungyeol staring at the trash where the dead rat was found." should be "It was something similar. Sungyeal was staring at the trash where the dead rat was found.'

Chapter five, Section 2 "Kai smirked at him and slowly snook away." should be 'Kai smirked at him and slowly snuck away.'

Flow: 12/15 The first chapter was all action and no background information. What's going on? Where are they? Who are they? There isn't a base to start building the story on. It's like building a house by starting with the door, not the foundation. Right from chapter two, you drop two secrets that could have been used later on to make the story more interesting. Dropping it there takes away some of the reader's interest since that could have been a mystery, and because of this, the readers suddenly know the deepest secret of Hye Su and Myungsoo. I know I told you to add in background info, but I mean it as gradually. Like Hye Su describes her daily life bit by bit, not her past about how she got DID. That should come in later when they are in the mansion, for example. Also, while chapter two was too sudden, after that, everything became too slow. When are they getting to the mansion? It had been five chapters already, and they're still no where near the mansion nor have there been any serious interaction between Exo and Infinite yet.

Enjoyment: 3/5 While the nearly perfect grammar and spelling did do your story some good, the lack of a stable plot and realistic characters turned me away a bit. Try to put yourself in your characters' shoes to see what the proper actions for them would be.

Structure: 4/5 The sentences are too grouped together, making it hard to make out the dialogue, so the characters seemed bunched together. Try to add space between each paragraph, so it'll be more attractive.

Overall: 81/100 The story lacks a balanced plot, characters that the reader can relate to and connect with, and a smooth flow. It feels like you wanted to write the story really badly that you didn't think thoroughly about what should go where and when. Also, for your characters, try to think of what you would do if you were them during any event. If you just saw two people die in an accident, what would you do? Otherwise, amazing grammar and spelling, and the initial plot you wrote in your foreword is pretty good, but it just developed too late into the story.

Reply: ill credit it when i open the computer ^^