Roseline
Finished 1/17/2014

Young, Dumb, and In Love
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/417761/young-dumb-and-in-love-abuse-romance--mpreg-bangzelo-drugabuse-jongzelo

About: Zelo(BAP)+Yongguk(BAP), , mpreg, romance,

Title: 4/5 While the title is original (by AFF standards), it's so general though. However, it is eyecatching but it just doesn't really specify the main plot of the story. If someone looks at it, they could never guess the plot is about mpreg or (well maybe some can but not the mpreg part). Try to make your title less vague.

Foreword: 10/10 I love how your foreword is only two excerpts from your story instead of a description of the story. The two exceprts alone already describes the story very well; you don't even need a description at all. It really draws the readers into your story and make them want to know the full story.

Plot: 18/20 The plot is okay, but I kind of find a lot of the events overexaggerated and a bit cliché. The whole Yongguk gets Junhong pregnant but then makes a stupid mistake like taking drugs and then cheating on Junhong is really common, but not with the same characters. Though I do like how you give a reason for how Yongguk Junhong because he actually likes him instead of the common "I lost a bet" thing.

Characters: 15/20 First of all, Chaelin's reaction to Junhong's pregnancy is a bit insensitve. When your son gets another person pregnant through , you wouldn't normally sound happy that you're going to be a grandmother because the other person obviously doesn't want to be pregnant. The normal response would be to say that you'll provide all the necessities, which you did, but you shouldn't mention that grandmother part. Second, I think the part about the principal arranging meetings with Junhong for the top three schools is a bit far-fetched. Just because he was shouldn't mean he get special treatment college-wise. Third, Junhong forgives Yongguk too easily. He gang- him, but Junhong still wants to reach out to Yongguk. Another thing is the fact that Jongup kissed Junhong even though he knows that he's still healing. Jongup should hold onto his feelings for a bit longer before releasing it all of a sudden. I also don't like how during the fight at the end of chapter four, Junhong took Yongguk's side because he did him, but Jongup had been taking care of him for a while. Also, the fact that Junhong's father and sister are named Leo and Melissa are really strange since they're a Korean family, unless they live in America. I understand that maybe you want to use the names of real kpop stars (Leo from VIXX I'm guessing?) but you should use their Korean names instead.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 There are only one or two times where you changed tense, but it's always only one verb, nothing else. There's really no major mistakes at all. The only ones are mistypes like a missing word. There is also one thing I really need to point out, and that is your way of writing your actions. You tend to write *kiss* instead of 'Jongup kissed Junhong'. Try not to use *verb* but write it out instead.

Chapter one, (I can't really tell each paragraph apart so sorry for not writing the paragraph number) "As the days went by, Junhong's lessoned." should be 'As the days went by, Junhong's anxiety (depression, anger, etc) lessoned.'

Chapter two, "For some apparent reason, Yongguk found himself gritting his teeth at the seen." should be "For some odd reason, Yongguk found himself gritting his teeth at the scene.'

Chapter four, "Yongguk's shouted as her son walked through the door." should be 'Yongguk's mother shouted as her son walked through the door.'

Chapter five, "...it's not like I'm not getting married." should be "...it's not like I'm getting married."
2. "...and if the food is good, the blame is on the chef." should be '...and if the food is bad, the blame is on the chef.'

Flow: 12/15 Woah. That's all I can say from the beginning. Right from the first paragraph, you jump into the main plot without any preparation like background information. Slow down a bit. It would be nice if the comes in at chapter two instead of one. Also, in chapter one, you wrote that Yongguk is suspended for a month, but then all of a sudden he walks into school in the next paragraph. Has it been a month already, and in just one paragraph? 

Enjoyment: 4/5 Despite the character flaws and overexaggerated events, I actually enjoyed the story a lot. It was really fun to read, and I really was on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what would happen next.

Structure: 5/5 Despite the fact that I can't make out your paragraphs enough to count them one by one, the story is evenly-spaced and neat. I mean, who counts the paragraphs anyway besides review shops? Also, I love how you name your chapters.

Overall: 86/100 While the characters are flawed and the plot is sometimes unrealistic, the story is really fun to read. It has this vibe to it that makes the readers want to read more and more and see what happens next.

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