Ahri
Finished on 10/?/2013

Unexpected Love
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/567063/unexpected-love-you-exo-kai-sehun-schoolife

About: Sehun (Exo), Kai (Exo), originalcharacters, high school, kingkas, romance, orphans, transferred students

Title: 1/5 The title gives off too much of the story and is not eye-catching or interesting at all. Try using 'Perfect Match' or something of that sort.

Foreword: 6/10 The foreword and character descriptions are neat, but there are many grammar and spelling mistakes.

1. I personally think it would be pretty cool if the summary is in Park Yoon Hye's POV since she is the main character. This is how I would write it out in her POV: 'My story begins when I transferred to SM High School with my best friend, Kwon Jo Young. We grew up in an orphanage together because our parents passed away when we were very young. I work for my uncle, but the thing is, the job will put the people I love into danger. Little did I know, my new life will bring much unwanted drama into my friendship with Jo Young because we will both experience what no friends should - love triangles.

2. When describing someone, you should put more details and write it in a paragraph form instead of just stating the facts. For example: 'Park Yoon Hye just recently transferred to SM High School with her best friend from the orphanage she grew up in. In front of everyone, she appears to be a smartass tomboy, but she has a big secret that she has to protect, even if she has to risk her life.'

Plot: 10/25 The whole "girl grows up in an orphanage but then transfer to a new school and meets the guy of her dreams" is very clichè. What I don't understand is how two girls were allowed to come out of the orphanage and enroll at a high school because most children in orphanages do not have any money of their own. Orphanages also usually provide housing and education for children until they are off legal age to live on their own.

Characters: 10/25 The girls are orphans who just got out of an orphanage, but they act like they've been to public schools their whole lives. I find it strange that they know how to act and what to do in a normal school, considering the fact that they grew up in an orphanage. I also find it really Mary Sue that Kai and Sehun both immediately have major crushes on the two girls at first sight, and they are kingkas, so it is even more unlikely that they would find the new students to be their soulmates. Also, in the foreword, you stated that Yoon Hye has an uncle, but what uncle would put their niece in an orphanage? While it is legally allowed if the relative is not emotionally or financially stable enough to care for the child, her uncle doesn't seem to be financially unstable since Yoon Hye is working for him, so that proves that he has enough money.

Grammar/Spelling: 10/20 I can tell English is not your first language. You spelled most words right, but your grammar is horrible. There are so many so I can't point out every one, but you, like many others, keep on switching from past tense to present tense. When ending a verb with 'ing', you can only do so is there is a 'was' or 'is' in front of it. "She stomping past me" doesn't sound right, does it? Because it should be "She was stomping past me" or "She stomped past me". When there isn't a 'was' in front, use 'ed' for past tense.

Flow: 13/15 While your flow is nearly perfect, I think Sehun and Kai judged the girls too early. They decided right on the spot when they saw them that the two were their soulmates.

Overall: 50/100 The storyline is clichè, and the characters need some work. I suggest you put yourself in your characters' shoes and think of how you would act if you were them. Your grammar also needs some work. You should put a big, unexpected plot twist in the story, but not Yoon Hye being a gangster because that is overused as well.

Redo #1

Ahri
Finished 12/1/2013

Not-So-Perfect Match
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/567063

About: Sehun(Exo)+OC, Kai(Exo)+OC, drama, romance, gangs, high school, kingkas, orphans

Title: 3/5 It's better, but it still gives a bit too much of te story away. From this, we can see that the story is about the romantic coupling of two people, but the relationship is strained.

Foreword: 7/10 For the summary, you should put it in present tense, so "My story begins when I transfer to SM High School with my best friend, Kwon Jo Young." then "Little do I know, my new life will bring..." I also suggest you change the color and font of the characters' names above their picture to fit their descriptions. For the description of the characters, it should be in present tense as well. Also, you shouldn't give away that much information on the characters. Don't put their personality on the foreword, because it is the reader's job to figure it out along the story. For example, Kai's description would be, 'At SM High, Kim Jong In is known as Kai since Exo members have a habit of choosing a nickname for themselves instead of using their real names. Being a player, he broke the hearts of many girls, but with these new female students around, will he still retain his old personality? Or will he change for the better?'

Plot: 7/20 It's very cliché. The whole orphans transferring to a new school, bad pasts, meeting the kingkas who fall in love at first sight, fainting in school, and being a gangster is too overused. I think you should add some kind of twist to shake things up.

Characters: 15/20 Yoon Hye is just too mary sue. She's too perfect, even if she has a "bad past". First of all, family drama at a young age can affect a child horribly, so she should have a closed off, cold personality. She shouldn't care about school or love. She should be just an empty shell of a person because of both her past and her uncle's job for her. If she's going to be so heartless about killing people, she shouldn't even be capable of loving, or being friends with Jo Young.

Grammar and Spelling: 10/20 You have quite a lot of run-on sentences which you connect with a comma. I would suggest you change it to a semi-colon or a period. You also jumped from present tense to past tense. It seems you are more comfortable with past tense since I see it more often. For example, "It's already 7 O'clock in the morning, which it's time to Yoon Hye and Jo Young wake up and say hello to their new school, that is SM High." should be 'It was already 7 o'clock in the morning. It was time for Yoon Hye and Jo Young to wake up and go to SM High, their new school.' I also noticed you keep referring to an orphanage as Orphan's house. The proper name for it is an orphanage. While your spelling is good, your grammar is bad. I suggest you get a beta reader to help edit, because there are too many for me to point out one by one.

Flow: 11/15 It's too fast at the beginning, and things seem to just come in at random. Sehun and Kai fell in love with the girls too early, and the gangster part just came out of nowhere. I feel that gangster part should come in at the very beginning.

Enjoyment: 3/5 Even though it is very cliché and has a lot of grammar mistakes, it is a fun story, but the characters are too mary sue and unrealistic.

Structure: 4/5 For "narrator's POV", you shouldn't write that. From chapter one, you should start the story in third-person POV without writing narrator's POV at the top. If it's a character's POV, then it is necessary to write their name and the POV, but since it is nobody's it is not. I would suggest you write names for your chapters instead of just "Chapter 1". That is optional, of course, but it would be nice. For flashbacks, you should write the whole thing in Italic instead of writing the word flashback above it.

Overall: 60/100 The story is too cliché, but I can see the potential of a cute drama.

Reply: Thanks for the review.Yeah,I always tthink change my skill writing :)