Bleu
Finished on 12/22/2013

She,The Winter
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/611363/she-the-winter-angst-minho-shinee-sulli-minsul

About: Minho(Shinee)+Sulli(Fx), angst, winter, christmas, romance

Title 5/5–The title is really relevant to the story, and it's unique. It's rare to see a title like this nowadays. Sometimes, authors just pick a random title that just sound good–and it looks 'pretty'. But no, you're title sounds goods, looks pretty, and it's relevant to the story. Your title gives just the right amount of information, it tells us readers that 'she' which I'm assuming is Sulli–represents winter's daughter. She is Minho's winter.

Foreword 8/10– The foreword is really detailed and well-organized. It doesn't give away too much information at all. I really love how like, instead of taking a section of your story, and making it your foreword–you wrote a different piece of writing that's not in the story. I really have a pet peeve when people just let's say, take a paragraph from their story, and just makes it as their foreword. Also, your foreword really gave us readers a glimpse of what you mean by 'Winter's Daughter'. You have a great talent with using high-level words, and they actually make sense when you put it in your story. Also, in your description, I felt like if you added repetition, it would look more unique–such as...

❁ “When the winter wind blows, you'll hear her soft carols. As the first snowflake falls on a Christmas morning, she'll grant you a miracle. She'll send Santa and his reindeers down your chimney with a bag load of presents. At the end of the day, she wishes you a jolly Christmas as she takes winter with her and leaves till next year.” should be,

“When the winter wind blows–you'll hear her soft carols.

As the first snowflake falls on a Christmas morning–she'll grant you a miracle.

On the night of Christmas Eve–she'll send Santa and his reindeers down your chimney, with a bag load of presents.

At the end of the day–she wishes you a jolly Christmas

Once again, she takes winter with her–and leaves until next year.”

Plot 16/20–Your isn't as cliché as I had expected it would be. Although there are many stories with the lover having died, but the way she died was unexpected. The only thing I didn't like about the plot was that you rush a lot sometimes. You have a habit of lacking transitions–such as time-phases and setting changes. Also, I feel like you lack description, there aren't enough actions that describe the plot well enough. I really love your events though, it gives us twists and cliffhangers. I personally didn't expect Sulli to be the dying, I had expected the person who needed a doner to have died. I was really entranced to this story, it was really organized.

Characters 18/20– The characters, Minho and Sulli, were really detailed. You could tell the differences in their personalities. Sulli had that, loneliness atmosphere. Where Minho on the other hand, had a desperate atmosphere, to find a doner. You could really tell how happy Sulli was when Minho said he would be her friend. At the end, I was really impressed by how you put that twist into your story. I had not expect Sulli to die not one bit.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20– You have a tendency to write run-off sentences, like the rest of the asianfanfic community. You have perfect spelling and grammar, but you lack correct punctuation at times. Also, you have a habit of starting a sentence with pronouns–which can be a gift and a curse. You have a few mistakes such as..

❁ “I learned the reason to why Christmas was her all time favorite season and why she still believed that Santa was real. I knew how she thought that winter was the most beautiful with its elegant white snow that coats everything under blanket. I found out about her brother, her background. Everything.” should be,”I learned the reason why Christmas was her all time favorite season, and why she had still believed that Santa was real. I found out that she thought that winter was the most beautiful–with it's elegant, white snow, that coats everything under it's blanket. I found out about her brother, her background, her everything.”

Enjoyment 3/5– I really love this plot, it was really, different than others I have read. It gives you this mysterious aura, with its twists and cliffhangers. The only thing I didn't like was that, you seemed to have rushed a lot in this story. You have some empty gaps you didn't fill in with your conclusion. Also, you lack transitions and sometimes punctuation. You don't show like a sign that there is a time-change or a setting change.

Structure 4/5– The font is not too small or too big, same thing with your paragraph spacings. I liked how you added an image to show paragraph change, really unique. Also, you have a tendency of forgetting punctuation–which leads to run-off sentences.

Overall 69/85=81/100– This story is really unique, and it has an interesting vibe to it. The only thing is that you lack transitions, and you seemed to have rush this story sometimes. Everything else was really good though, just a little mistakes here and there.

Reply: I'm sorry for the late reply and pick up >.< I've just been too busy (still am) and could only spend few minutes here so there wasn't enough time for me to properly read to review. Anyways, thanks so much for the review! I never really thought about the flow or pace before so thank you for pointing that out. I'll also keep an eye out for run-offs and the revision you gave me was a great help. Thanks again! I'll credit right away.