Bleu
Finished on 1/19/2014

A Bet, Stays A Bet

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/631129/a-bet-stays-a-bet-you-school-exo-kai-sehun

About: OC+Kai(EXO),Baekhyun(EXO),Chanyeol(EXO),Sehun(EXO), romance, school life

Title 5/5– The title is simple and eye-catching. It is super relevant to the story, I really like how your title revolves around the whole story. The idea of four boys making a bet, to see whoever can get Naomi's ity first. And whoever gets it, will win 500$. The title was quickly introduced in the story, and it never felt like it was fading away or anything. You made sure the title was top priority. The only thing I didn't like is that it's really cliché.

 

Foreword 7/10– I find the bullet point below the description as a burden to your foreword. You aren't really listing anything, and there is no reason for there to be a bullet point. Also, is there some way for you to remove the advertisements below the word 'bet'? I really like how you put a song below your description, it really matches your stories atmosphere. Also, the flowers, which I believe are orchids, is there a certain reason why they're there? I kinda wish that there is a relevance between the flowers and your story. I really like how you described your characters, you didn't give away too much information, and you didn't give too little. I really like how you designed and formatted your foreword, it doesn't look messy at all. I enjoy how the characters' pictures aren't overpowering the whole page, I've noticed a lot of stories where they have pictures that are bigger than the words itself. I like how your description and foreword are separate descriptions, it's unique compared to most people's foreword/description. I really enjoy how your foreword revolves around the quote,”Once a bet has been made, a bet stays a bet.” Usually people just combine them together, but instead, you made them separate. I feel like you could adjust your descriptions a little bit, such as...

❁”A story that makes you think twice before deciding on doing some stupid bet with your friends.” should be,”This story will make you think twice before agreeing on doing some stupid bet with your friends.”

The reason I changed this is because your description was a little too non-straightforward. Also, I feel like the word 'agreeing' will fit the theme more of making a bet, instead of the word 'deciding'. It didn't feel like it was directed to the story itself. But I'm not sure if you were trying to do a pattern in your description, like having A and Bbold-print, alphabetical pattern? So I was a little hesitant if I should change this or not.

❁”She thought she would finally get away from the drama, and start fresh with her life.” should be,”She thought she could finally get away from the drama, and start fresh with her life.”

The reason I changed this is because the word 'would' should be 'could'. If you say this out loud, you can tell the huge difference it makes. Not only does it sound better, it also is more grammatically correct.

❁”Just some simple four guys who happened to be schoolmates with Naomi. Nothing much, just good looks and popularity. The lads would sometimes do anything for the sake of their own good.” should be,” Just four simple guys who happened to be schoolmates with Naomi. Not much words can describe them, except for their good lucks and of course, their popularity. These lads would sometimes do anything for the sake of their own good.”

The reason I changed this is because it was a little too, well, non-straightforward. It felt like you were trying to talk about something else than the boys. Also, I felt like the word 'some' really makes the sentence really awkward. Also, your second sentence felt like it was missing some words. It was really well, non-consistent.

 

Plot 16/20– I got a little confused when you wrote,”It going on a flight, coming home, and finding out tomorrow you would be starting a school with complete strangers.” I thought you said that Naomi is moving in with her father and brother, would that technically be called 'coming home'? Your main plot is really cliché, the fact that four boys made a bet saying whoever gets Naomi's ity will win 500$. I've seen many stories with that same idea, and to top it off, one of the boys will end up truly falling in love with her in the end. Cliche much? Also, I like how you made sure the bet was the top priority. You made sure you kept it the main problem, you didn't go off the theme at all. I love the many twists and cliffhangers you have, you execute cliffhangers perfectly, you have them at the end of a chapter, and not in the middle of it. The only thing I didn't like about your story is that it's cliché.

 

Characters 18/20– I like how you told the story from more than one point of view, by doing so, the readers will have a more clear glimpse of what the characters see. Instead of just having Naomi's POV the whole story. I like how Kai thought that Naomi's look was well, 'wild'. I like how he didn't fall straight in love with her looks. I like how Naomi has her cute nicknames for the four boys, I like how she doesn't automatically know their names. I love how vivid the four boys personalities are, they each have a different way of getting Naomi's ity, but they all wish to get that 500$. I enjoy how Naomi isn't those 'perfect' girls. I kinda feel like I already know who is going to end up with Naomi though, I'm not sure if it's because the idea is just so cliché, or something. The only thing I didn't like is that from what I've read so far, up to chapter 5, I feel like Baekyhun and Chanyeol are more of minor characters. And that Kai and Sehun are out-shadowing them. I'm not sure if you're going to exploit their personalities more later in the story or you're just gonna have them be more minor characters.

 

Grammar and Spelling 17/20– I feel like the way you write is a bit too boring, it lacks spontaneous words, for example in Chapter 1 you wrote, 'At 5:15 my alarm went off and I went to go get ready for school.' Just by reading it, it sounds super boring doesn't it? I suggest finding synonyms for some of the verbs. Also in Chapter 1, why were the words 'tomorrow' and '5:15' underlined? Was it something AFF did? Or did you do it intentionally? You have a tendency of overusing pronouns, there are times where you use the same pronouns over and over for three paragraphs. You do a really job at keeping your writing consistent, there aren't any major mistakes, just really small, minor ones. You have no spelling mistakes at all, and barely any run-off sentences. Good job. I feel like you should capitalize the words 'sprite' and 'beats'. They are names of brands after all.

In Chapter One,

❁”After I found it, I saw two of the boys that were in the courtyard. The one with black hair and had it up, and the other was a ridiculously tall guy. They both looked over at me, giving me a somewhat snotty look. Well.” should be,”After I found it, I saw two boys in the courtyard. There was one that had black hair, and he had it up. The other one was a ridiculously tall guy. They both looked over at me, giving me a somewhat snotty look. Well then.”

I changed this paragraph because it felt like you were writing it on the perspective that you already knew these boys. Or that there were more than two boys, but you never said anything of other boys around them. Also, you ended the story with 'Well' what about it? Do you mean 'Well then'?

In Chapter Five,

❁”We arrived at the school, and I said my goodbyes. I walked past Kai, and he was in a conversation with someone, that someone being Soojin. I almost made it to the front doors when I heard a sharp slap on someone's cheek. I turned around, seeing it was none other than Soojin standing over Kai, Kai holding his cheek. My mouth gaped open, with my hand still gripped to the door handle.” should be,”As we arrived at the school, I said my goodbyes. I nonchalantly walked past Kai–who was in a conversation with someone, who I soon noticed was Soojin. I almost made it to the front doors when I heard a sharp slap coming from behind me. I quickly turned around, seeing it was coming from none other than Soojin and Kai. Kai holding his cheek. My mouth gaped open, with my hand still strongly gripped to the door handle”

The reason I changed this paragraph was because I felt it didn't really sound right, although it was really clear, there was just something missing in it when I read it out loud. I feel like the way you wrote it made it seem inconsistent. There are times when it was perfect, and others where it was confusing.

 

Flow 15/15– I like how you introduced the bet in the first chapter. Good job, I hate stories that introduce the main problem like, 5 chapters later. Since the bet is the main inciting incident in the whole story, I feel like it should be the center problem. By introducing it first, there will be time for the readers to seep it in. Your flow is perfect as it is, you have great details, and it's super organized. You make sure that you don't rush anything, and in each chapter, there is just one important event. You make sure to focus on one thing each chapter, which is really good.

 

Enjoyment 5/5– I really enjoyed this story, even if it was a little too cliché, I still really liked it. It had this vibe to it that made me entranced to the story. The relationship between Naomi and Kai is just really interesting. To top it off, I liked how Naomi felt when she saw Sehun make out with that girl. I love the twists and cliffhangers you add into the story, it makes the story really interesting.

 

Structure 4/5– I like how you told the story from more than one point of view, and you made it really clear when you changed point of views. I really like how relevant your chapter names are, they all have a deep meaning in each chapter. Your structure is perfect, your paragraph spacings, font size, color, type, are perfect. It is also really easy to read. The only thing I didn't like is that sometimes, I noticed that you are double spacing in the middle of the chapter...Also, I'm wondering but there are times when some words are underlined, did you purposely do that? Or was it AFF. Also, is there some way for you to remove the links that are sometimes inputted in your words? They're really annoying.

 

Overall 87/100– Your story is really good, and you make the readers feel as if it were them themselves in Naomi's shoes. The only thing I didn't like is that the story is a bit too cliché. You just have a few minor mistakes here and there, also, you have a tendency of writing really simple, like overusing pronouns, etc. I really like how you made the topic, 'A bet, stays a bet' the main priority. You didn't go off-topic at all.

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