No Credit

Katrina
Finished on 12/15/2013

the taste of iron is starvation

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/484597/the-taste-of-iron-is-starvation-angst-exo-chen-jongdae

About: Chen(Exo), oneshot, angst, tragedy, eating disorder,

Title: 3/5 First of all, while the title is original and quite interesting, it is too long. Second, it should be capitalized. Some title ideas are 'Disorder', 'Repulsive', etc.

Foreword: 8/10 Capitalize the first letter of your sentences. While this is creative and gives off an angsty feel to the story, it's grammatically incorrect. I know you don't actually write like this since I looked at your other stories, but you shouldn't write in lower case. Also, never start a sentence with "but", and the last two sentences are run-on sentences. Another thing, the last two sentences give away a bit too much of the story. It should be 'Then, the need to consume something- anything- has become too great. As his body yearns for the nutrients he needs, he ends up finding them in things that could kill him.'

Plot: 20/20 While the eating disorder part is a bit common these days, the fact that you used pica instead of bulimia or anorexia nervosa makes up for it. I like how instead of having a lot of dialogue, you focus mainly on Chen's turmoil.

Characters: 20/20 Chen's feelings are very well described, and you include many vivid details to show his anger and guilt.

Grammar and Spelling: 17/20 Like I said in the foreword, while this gives the story a dark, angsty personality, it's not correct to leave every letter lowercased. Also, do not start a sentence with "but". You also change from past to present tense sometimes. Try sticking to only one.

In chapter one, "he can almost smell the fresh but sour aroma of it as its being fried..." should be 'He can almost smell the fresh but sour aroma of it as it's being fried...'

In chapter two, "because while you're able to eat, you're friends suffer..." should be 'Because while you're able to eat, your friends suffer...'

Enjoyment: 5/5 Overall, I like the dark theme of the story. You use colorful details to bring the story to life and give it a personality.

Structure: 4/5 The space between each paragraph is too wide. I suggest you only click enter twice instead of three times.

Overall: 77/85=91 The story of a boy's life with pica. With a lot of vibrant details, a unique plot, and well-planned characters, this story is amazing. Just the grammar needs some tweeking.

Reply: Thanks for the review. And I know that using lapslock is not grammatically correct, but in every other fandom I've been in, it has never been a problem before. And even if those are great short titles, long titles can have their charms too, especially when I've spent time on it. But yeah, thanks for the review.