Roseline
Finished 1/24/14

Dragon in human Cage
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/635545/dragon-in-human-cage-fantasy-dragon-xiuris-luchen

About: Xiumin(Exo)+Kris(Exo), Luhan(Exo)+Chen(Exo), Tao(Exo)+Baekhyun(Exo), , romance, fantasy

Title: 4/5 My only problem is that "human" has to be capatalized. Otherwise, I love the creativity of your title.

Foreword: 8/10 I like that you keep it short and simple, but it should be in present tense first of all. Second, it sounds really cliché and vague. It doesnt' exactly make me want to read the story. In a lot of the stories, it has that exact same sentence to describe it, so it's not really interesting anymore. Try to use a more specific way to describe your story and make it more interesting.

Plot: 17/20 The main plot of Kris being a dragon and Xiumin being his victim is unique, but the boss thing is not really that original. I feel like this story focuses mainly on their human lives instead of showing the supernatural parts which should be the main plot. Showing more of Kris as a dragon and less of the office would be a good idea.

Characters: 18/20 Though Kris will eventually find out anyway, I still don't like how Xiumin reveals to Kris right away that someone wanted to him. The way he says it sounds really nonchantlant, and isn't a thing to be taken lightly. Another thing is that Xiumin accepted the fact that Kris him too easily since they never met before, so you should show more of his inner turmoil and show more of his doubt about Kris being the same as the man. Another thing I don't like is how Xiumin lives in a big house just for being Kris's assistant because it isn't really normal for an employee to be given a big mansion as a home. One thing I do love is how you explained that Xiumin is pretending that he forgot Kris because he made him suffer for ten years instead of not giving a reason at all.

Grammar and Spelling: 17/20 Sometimes, you have run-on sentences. Otherwise, most of your mistakes are grammar related. Good job on keeping your tenses the same throughout the first five chapters. Another thing I don't like is your use of big words at random moments; almost like you're just placing it there to make your story more professional-looking. Having big words thrown in randomly doesn't do the story any justice.

Chapter one P(aragraph)1 "Minseok, a sixteen years old boy, always thought of his uality since Jong Dae, his two years younger brother, turned out attracted..." should be 'Minseok, a sixteen year old boy, always thought of his uality ever since Jong Dae, his younger brother by two years, turned out to be attracted...'
2. P4 "Minseok asked worriedly his brother who sat next to him..." should be 'Minseok asked worriedly as his brother sat next to him...'
3. P45 "He stood to change himself when the pain in his spin..." should be 'He stood to change himself when the pain in his spine...'

Chapter two, P4 "Wait, I never postulate for a job in Beijing..." should be "Wait, I never applied for a job in Beijing..."
2. P9 "...since he postulated for a teaching post in a high school.." should be '...sinec he applied for a teaching post in a high school...'
3. P10 "They got in Beijing..." should be 'They got to Beijing...'

Chapter three, P3 "When they reached destination..." should be 'When they reached their destination...'
2. P21 "...drank normally, holding a coughing fit the best he could." should be '...drank normally, holding in a coughing fit the best he could.'
3. P40 "Drink, you look like needing it." should be "Drink. You look like you need it."

Chapter four, P17 "It's may sound crazy." should be "It may sound crazy."
2. P "To how many persons did you do this?" should be "To how many people have you done this to?"

Chapter five, P19 "Excuse me, sir, Luhan, but there is a woman outside who want to meet sir in the immediate." should be "Excuse me, sir, Luhan, but there is a woman outside who wants to meet you immediately."
2. P47 "It smelled strangely but he took it and drank it in one take." should be 'It smelled strange, but he still took it and drank it in one gulp.'
3. P52 "You are very considering." should be "You are very considerate."
4. P53 "Minseok returned the chuckle by another." should be 'Minseok returned the chuckle with his own.'
5. P68 "We are already in my address?" should be "We are already at my address?"

Flow: 14/15 I think Minseok's dream about Kris should come in at chapter two instead of one since that was too sudden. Though afterwards, your flow smoothed out.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I enjoyed the , but the plot isn't quite there yet. It feels somewhat slow since it's mostly focused on Xiumin with Kris at the office instead of showing more supernatural things.

Structure: 5/5 Everything is neat and organized.

Overall: 77/100 The story has a lot of potential, and it's almost there, but the plot is a bit slow and not very well thought out, and the characters are a bit unrealistic. Otherwise, great job on your spelling and grammar, considering English not being your first language.

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