1 -mighty_extics
❁The First Crimson Moon❁
Ahri
Finished 1/30/2014
About: Jiyong(BigBang), Taecyeon(2pm), Yoona(SNSD), romance, fluff, orphan, adoption, love triangles
Title: 4/5 Your title is a bit too general. There are a lot of stories with this title. If I found your story, at first glance, I wouldn't read it because the title doesn't make me excited to see what's going on.
Foreword: 8/10 The foreword should always be in present tense unless you're talking about the past like Jiyong's past life as an orphan, for example. In Kwon Jiyong's description, "He always felt uncomfortable with Ok Taecyeon because he always fight and argue..." should be 'He always feels uncomfortable with Ok Taecyeon because he always fights and argues...' As for Taecyeon's description, "...which owns 5 business company in Korea. Yeah, he's rich..." should be '...which owns five business companies in Korea. He's rich...' You should not add words like "yeah" because they make the story look bad. As for Krystal's character, "She rarely talk with other peoples except with Yoona. She falled in love with her high school's classmate." should be 'She rarely talks to other people except for Yoona. She falls in love with her classmate.' I like how you include two summaries to show the two lovelines going on in the story instead of just giving the readers one and deciding to surprise us later on in the story. The only thing off about the summaries is that you switch from past to present tense. Since it seems you use present tense more, try to stick to that.
Plot: 18/20 This plot is a bit cliché, being that Jiyong is an orphan and there are two love triangles that involve a girl in the middle. Though it's interesting that the two guys both like Yoona instead of only one liking her and the other hating her. The plot in the beginning is too dull. There's not a lot of action to get the story moving since it feels like you are just describing the background to let the readers know what the story is. The readers don't want to know what the story is; they want to see the story unfold before their eyes.
Characters: 17/20 In chapter one (after the teaser), I feel like Jiyong rushed out to play too quickly. He just got adopted, and the only thing he could think of is to play in the park. Shouldn't he get settled in first like looking at where he would be sleeping or looking around at the other rooms instead of running off? Also, Jiyong starts going to school too early since he just got adopted the day before. It's not everyday someone gets adopted, so you should give him some time to adjust. Mr. Ok acts too unrealistically for me. The fact that he brags about his son while openly insulting Jiyong to Mr. Kim is a bit too childish for a grown man, no matter how rich he is. You should try to make him more of a snob than a jerk; like he is insulting Jiyong discreetly instead of saying his thoughts. Also, the story is mainly focused on Jiyong. I read up to five chapters, including the teaser, and I still haven't seen any action or story on Yoona and Krystal and Myungsoo. Myungsoo has appeared a few times, but has he met Krystal yet? You are too focused on Jiyong without branching off and giving attention to the side plots. I know Krystal comes in later, but she should come in earlier. Also, is Myungsoo in high school? Because in chapter two, you stated that Myungsoo is six while Jiyong is thirteen, so there is a seven years difference. Then when Jiyong is twenty-six, Myungsoo should be nineteen, so he should be in college unless the schools in Korea are run differently?
Grammar and Spelling: 17/20 My main problem is your tense changes. You switch from present to past tense far too many times. Try to keep the verbs in the same tense since that is your main mistake. Although is later chapters, after your beta reader comes in, the tenses become even. Another thing is the run-on sentences you have from time to time. They're not very noticeable, and many writers make this mistake anyway. Great job on having no mis-spells at all and a good grammar most of the time. There are only a few mistakes that I've noticed.
Chapter one, P(aragraph)25 (I may have miscounted the paragraph number because I can't tell what you consider is one paragraph so I apologize for that) "Everyone was startled and were thinking why the poor and the orphan Kwon Jiyong had became a rich and cool Kwon Jiyong overnight." should be 'Everyone was startled and was thinking about how Kwon Jiyong, an orphan, became rich and cool overnight.'
Chapter two, P17 "Oh...you're brother, same as you ." should be "Oh...your brother. He's the same as you."
Flow: 13/15 In the beginning you didn't really specify how Jiyong met Yoona if he's an orphan, and she has a family. Did they meet in the park one day? Also, you skip to Jiyong getting adopted without really going into his background story as an orphan. What was life like there? Did he have friends? Otherwise, the flow is pretty good except, there isn't much action. It feels really flat, like anything could happen but is not happening.
Enjoyment: 4/5 I did enjoy the plot, but the story didn't reach my expectations from the foreword. The plot is too dull, and the characters are a bit unrealistic.
Structure: 3/5 After a sentence, you should not place a space between the last letter and the period or exclamation mark or question mark. Keep the last word and the period or etc together. Second, only one person should have any dialogue in each paragraph because having three people speak all at once in the same paragraph makes it very hard to read. In other words, every time someone speaks, you have to make another paragraph for them. When you are changing scenes, it would be more attractive if you add a line or a picture to separate them instead of writing "In front of the school" for example. Writing the name of the setting makes the story look messy, like it's still a draft. One more thing, always write out numbers in word form in a story. Also, your paragraphs are not evenly spaced! There are some places where there is a whole space between each paragraph while there is none at other places.
Overall: 84/100 I can't connect to the characters nor can I make myself interested in the plot, because there aren't any sparks to set the story off. It's too flat; there's no twists or anything. Also, the characters are a bit a unrealistic, and Yoona is a bit of a mary-sue. Otherwise, perfect spelling and good grammar despite the fact that you're not a native English speaker.
Reply: Hi there . Thanks for the review ! Now I understand my mistakes , I'll fix it . Thank you !
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