Peter Pan
https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/550307/peter-pan-angst-arrangedmarriage-drama-romance-exo-exom-luhan

About: Luhan(Exo)+OC, angst, arranged marriage, drama, unrequited love

Title: 3/5 While your title is short and unique, it doesn't really relate to the story at all. What does Peter Pan do that is similar to Luhan? I would suggest 'Prince Charming' or something like that perhaps, like how Luhan is the opposite of his love's prince charming?

Foreword: 8/10 First of all, you make it seem like there are two girls, Luhan's little angel and "her" who he meets years later. You should say that she was the first girl he ever seen but never really met, but then he meets her properly years later. Second, your foreword should be in present tense since you are discussing events that hasn't happened yet. Also, you have some grammar mistakes. The first sentence is fine but from there on it should be, 'So when he meets her years later, his crush transforms into something much more serious. It is like quicksand. No matter how you try to get away, it will you back. But instead of trying to run away, Luhan welcomes it.'

Your excerpt also has some grammar mistakes such as, "It was a little girl with a dimple on her right cheek whose smiling at the camera..." should be 'It was a little girl with a dimple on her right cheek who was smiling at the camera..."
2. "He kept the photo on his first drawer. Making it one of his most prized possesion beside his first teeth and candy shaped eraser." should be 'He kept the photo in his first drawer, making it one of his most prized possesions besides his first teeth and candy shaped eraser.'

Plot: 20/20 This is the best type of plot I like. I love how you start off with a cliché story, but then you add twists to it, creating another plot all together.

Characters: 20/20 I like how you characterize Luhan as the lovesick puppy while Cheonsa is the cold rebel who already has a lover. It is also nice how Sehun is a regular best friend, not someone who has a crush on Luhan.

Grammar and Spelling: 15/20 Your spelling is perfect, but you grammar is bad a lot of the times. Below, I listed out you major mistakes, but there are still small ones that I left out. You don't really show an understanding of when to use specific tenses for verbs in a sentence. Also, sometimes you have run-on sentences, although very few.

In chapter one, "A man taller than him with a platinum blonde hair eyeing him and then looked..." should be 'A man taller than him with platinum blonde hair eyed him and then looked...'
2. "To said Luhan was having a panic attack might be a bit understating." should be 'To say that Luhan was having a panic attack might be a bit of an understatement.'
3. "And you never spared a glance to girls no matter how pretty she is." should be "And you never spared a glance to any girl, no matter how pretty she is."
4. "He was not his hyung's twenty-years-bestfriend for nothing." should be 'He was his hyung's best friend for twenty years for nothing.'
5. "When he entered, a waiter greet him and asked for his coat. He smiled as a little thank you and approached his mother that were sitting with a pair of old couple." should be 'When he entered, a waiter greeted him and took his coat. He smiled as a little thank you and approached his mother who was sitting with an old couple.'
6. "...he already did it a few years back when he appointed as a CEO of his parents company. If you are a CEO, you must paid attention to all the thing you did, even the degree when you bowed." should be '...he already did it a few years back when he was appointed as a CEO of his parents' company. Being a CEO meant he had to pay attention to all the things he did, even the degree of bowing.'
7. "They words were sincere, not some empty words that he usually heard." should be 'Their words were sincere, unlike those empty words that he usually heard.'
8. "Was she put a charm at him?" should be 'Did she put a charm on him?'

In chapter two, "But I promise I would do my best at convinced everyone..." should be 'But I promise I will do my best to convince everyone...'
2. "He swallowed in regret for dared to fantasize them together." should be 'He swallowed in regret for daring to fantasize them together.'

In chapter three, "His hair was a wreck and pointed at everywhere, his cheek was red, very contrast with his bluish lip because of the cold air. An awful smell of alcohol convinced Sehun that his hyung drink more than two bottle, an award worth achievement for Luhan." should be 'His hair was a wreck, pointing in every direction. His cheeks were red, in contrast with his bluish lip from the cold air. An awful smell of alcohol convinced Sehun that his hyung drank more than two bottles, an achievement for Luhan.'
2. "It wasn't you who needing them. It was they needing you." should be "It isn't you who need them. It's them who need you."

In chapter five, "But why did the person he loved the most didn't love him back and instead hating him?" should be 'But why didn't the person he loved the most return his feelings, but hate him instead?'

Flow: 14/15 I want you to put some background information on how Luhan met Cheonsa in the first place in chapter one instead of just jumping right to their meeting, but the flow is nice and smooth from there on.

Enjoyment: 4/5 While I like the plot and all, the grammar mistakes really irked me. Try to look over your work and read it out loud and think to yourself, "Does this sound right?"

Sturcture: 5/5 Everything is evenly spaced and neat. I also love how you name your chapters, so the readers can get a look at the content beforehand.

Overall: 89/100 The plot is amazing and absolutely not cliché at all, and the characters are well-written. The only thing you need to work on is your grammar. Everything else is perfect.

---

Redo #1

Katrina
Finished 3/11/2014

The Scarlett Letter
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/550307/the-scarlet-letter-hiatus-until-may-angst-arrangedmarriage-romance-exo-luhan-sehun-kris

About: Luhan(Exo)+OC, angst, romance, arranged marriage, drama, unrequited love

Title: 4/5 Even though you changed it, it still doesn't relate to the story at all. Unless this is referring to something that happens later on, then it’s fine, but so far, I don’t  see anything that could be related to this.

Foreword: 7/10 “Back then when Luhan was six years old, he met a girl. Not long after, he developed a little crush on her. But something bad happened and he never met that girl again.” sounds too plain. It doesn’t hook me in or make me want to read the story. Try “Back when he was younger, he met the love of his life, but she left him.” would sound a lot better. Second, your foreword should be in present tense since you are talking about events that haven't happened yet. Verbs that end in “ed” are in past tense. In present tense, it ends in “s” unless you’re talking about two people, then it doesn’t end in anything. Also, you should write your characters’ descriptions out instead of only including their ages and then where they work. “Luhan, a twenty-four year old who works are his family’s company as the CEO.” And then include the quote. For Cheonsa, I would suggest you give some details about her, like where she works for example, because it would make her more interesting.

Plot: 20/20 This is a really good and unique plot. I like how you focus mainly on Luhan’s life instead of Cheonsa. You also allow events to come in at a reasonable pace, so that is good. Great plot so far.

Characters: 18/20 I do enjoy how the story is mostly about Luhan’s life and his view on things instead of the girl. It’s refreshing to see the arranged marriages written from his POV, and I like how you wrote the prologue about his regret and guilt at insulting Cheonsa. I just don’t like how Luhan’s twenty-four years old, yet he’s already the CEO. He has to get more training in college and get his MBA, which takes three to six years, to get to CEO. It’s not that easy for a young man like him to handle the business without proper training, but he’s handling it like it’s nothing. Also, Luhan’s family’s company seems really big, but Sehun is the secretary of Luhan, the CEO, and he can play games during work. This shouldn’t be acceptable or even possible since if the company is that big, Sehun and Luhan would be too busy to do anything fun there.

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 The first two chapters were really good, but when we get to your original chapters, I still see some grammar mistakes that you overlooked. You sometimes use the wrong tense for certain verbs. For example, you would write “his mother warning looked” which should be “his mother’s warning look” because in this case, “look” is a noun, not a verb. I listed out your major mistakes, but there are many small ones I decided to leave out. Also, “was and is” should be used for single objects while “were and are” are used for multiple ones. You also don’t seem to know the differences between “on, in, at” since you use them at the wrong times. “In” is for if you are inside something, “on” is for if you are on top on something, and “at” is if you are at somewhere. The plane is at the airport, and you are sitting in the plane. You are not standing on the plane.

In chapter three, P(aragraph)23 “That was why the secret be kept safe and Sehun didn’t seem like he remember about that.” should be ‘That was how the secret was kept, and Sehun didn’t act like he remembered anything about the incident.’

2. P28 “They words were sincere…” should be ‘…see the kind look in Mr. and Mrs. Han’s eyes. Their words were sincere…’

6. P38 “…would arrive at any minutes now.” should be “…would arrive any minute now.’

Flow: 15/15 Perfect. After inserting the prologue in at the beginning, with an amazing new twist, the flow is much more better and less confusing.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I really liked the plot, characters, and the flow, but the grammar mistakes threw me off. Your main mistake is not looking over your work clearly when you’re done.

Structure: 5/5 I like how you write the text messages. Instead of bolding or italicing or even chaning the color of the text, you merelymoved it to the right side of the story. Everything else is organized and neat. I also love how you made your chapters related to whatever’s going on in the chapters.

Overall: 89/100 Even though you still got the same score, it's only because I noticed new mistakes. You did fix your old mistakes, which makes me happy, but there are other ones that you overlooked, and I think I did too the first time I reviewed this. Your main mistake is not knowing when to use certain words. Remember to look over your work once your done. Otherwise, the plot is really unqiue, especially the way you write in Luhan's POV.

Reply: Thank you for reviewing. (>-<) ugh I'm so bad at grammar. I will make another chapter that explain cheonsa and luhan's first meeting and change a few things. and I will fix my grammar mistakes. I would ask for a redo later. Khansahamnida :)