Ahri
Finished 11/30/2013

Sinful Desire
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/539586/sinful-desire--exo-hunhan-kaisoo

About: Luhan(Exo)+Sehun(Exo), Kai(Exo)+DO(Exo), , , romance, fluff

Title: 4/5 It somewhat fits the story, but it's not original. A lot of stories have the same title. You should try something like 'Wanting More', 'Allure', etc.

Foreword: 9/10 While it is a bit plain, it is nice and tidy. It gives an idea of the story without being too vague or specific. This is optional, but I suggest you add some descriptive words to your description to make it more eye-catching. Also, you should make your summary in present tense. "After EXO's official debut, the twelve boys were busier than ever..." should be 'After Exo's official debut, the twelve boys are busier than ever..."
"However, Sehun and Kai decided..." should be 'However, Sehun and Kai decides..."

Plot: 12/20 The plot is not really original, and I also can't seem to find the story interesting. Maybe because your flow is really slow, but I just feel your plot needs some other background plots to spice it up. It's too focused on one thing right now.

Characters: 17/20 In chapter one, why would Kai think that there is a ghost hiding in the trailer? Realistically, a kpop star would suspect that it is a sasaeng fan hiding, waiting to attack. Otherwise, the characters are okay.

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 Starting right from chapter one, you jump from past tense to present tense. Try looking for the verbs that don't end in 'ed' and change them, unless you're aiming to write your whole story in present tense.

Flow: 13/15 Your problem is the opposite of most writers. I feel like you're going too slow, or maybe it's your plot that's throwing me off? You're story is all focused on one thing, and there's not really a specific goal yet.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I like the fluff you have going on right now involving Luhan and Sehun and Kai and Kyungsoo. Your story is really cute and romantic.

Structure: 2/5 In chapter one, "...gave him a LARGE (I mean a really large) bowl filled with combined chocolate..." should be '...gave him an enormous bowl- the size of two textbooks- filled with combined chocolate..." Do not add author notes in the middle of the story. You did it again in chapter two, "As I've stated before he's really a ert, but..." Do not ever add author notes into the story. There should not be a 'I stated this' or anything in the middle of the story.

In chapter three (four), "He first shook his head as he looked at Luhan, which kind of confused Sehun, but anyways he turned around..." I get the feeling of a diary kind of story you're writing here. Adding 'anyways' in the middle of a sentence is so...The way you write this story feels so diary-like. It feels like you're telling us what's happening, but not describing it. Like you're saying, "He ran. Then he stopped. Then he jumped..." instead of "He ran desperately, clinging onto what was left of his jacket, as he tried to escape the drunk men chasing after him. He suddenly reached a deadend. ! He didn't mean for this to happen! He looked around frantically for any means of escape, but found none. At first. He slowly looked down at the opened manhole right below him. Should he risk it? Hearing their heavy footsteps behind him, he made a quick decision and jumped in." Like, I suggest you add some details and remove extra words like 'anyways, well, you know, etc'.

Also, do not bold your dialogue. It's not storylike, but more like a script for a play. As for when the texting, try to not change the font color, because that makes it even more un-storylike. I would suggest that you italize it instead.

Overall: 77/100 While your story gives off the feeling of a cute story of boys finding their love for each other, I feel your plot is too focused on one thing and too slow. Your grammar and spelling are good, but the way you write feels kind of script-like. It gives off a feeling that your story is a draft.

Reply: Just saw my review, and thanks for the help ^^ I have to admit I'm not at all that confident with this story, and seriously I did not think about the flow of my story, whether it was going too fast or too slow. Now to think about it, the past chapters only focused on one day, but there's more to come ^^. Thanks for the help and I'll credit you soon :D