Katrina
Finished 12/13/2013

Fantasy
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/549008

About: Luhan(Exo)+Seohyun(SNSD), oneshot, romance, angst, science fiction, dimensions, doppelganger, light

Title: 5/5 Short and deep; it relates to the story perfectly.

Foreword: 9/10 First of all, your whole foreword should be in present tense. There are also some mistakes such as "She never left from that tiny house before and..." should be 'She never leaves that tiny house and...'.

2. "...when I felt her hand caressing mine and her lips touched mine?" should be '...when I feel her hand caressing mine and her lips touching mine?'
3. "...and I believe that se exist." should be '...and I believe that she exists.'

Plot: 18/20 It's very well thought out, and the events are planned precisely. It's also a little bit cliché, but you added in the twist of Seohyun being Luhan but from another dimension, instead of the usual "I'm the ghost of the girl who died 50 years ago." The only thing is, why is Seohyun on Earth? Is she sent to protect Luhan? You didn't explain exactly why she's on Earth living next to Luhan, who she's supposed to stay away from.

Characters: 16/20 You don't really specify why Luhan feels attracted to Seohyun at first. Seohyun shows more feelings than Luhan, because it seems like he is a robot without any emotions. He seems so empty and boring. Luhan also takes the news of Seohyun being from a different world too easily; he's not even shocked, scared, dubious, or anything. He just takes it in like it's normal. Try seeing the situation from Luhan's perspective.

Grammar and Spelling: 14/20 Only one person should speak in each paragraph, so you should seperate the conversations. Also, when writing stories, you should write out numbers in word form like "2" becomes 'two' unless it's an address or phone number. Like many other writers here, you keep jumping from past to present tense. Try sticking to only one tense. You also have a lot of sentences where you throw in random words that don't make sense, and you have a lot of run-on sentences.

2. "You still insists that a girl lives in there?" should be 'You still insist that a girl lives in there?"
3. "She turned her head and led her eyes making a contact to mine." should be 'She turned her head and made eye contact with me.'
4. "Shudders runs through my spine, wondering if I will see that pair of eyes again." should be 'Shudders ran through my spine, and I wondered if I will see that pair of eyes ever again.'
5. "I asked myself as I trapped inside all black room." should be 'I asked myself as I found that I was trapped inside a dark room.'
6. "...a voice rang, its a woman voice." should be '...a feminine voice rang.'
7. "...her words cracks as she was in verge of crying. Yet, she really cries. Every crystal clear rolled down from her face." should be '...her words cracked as she was on the verge of crying. Then, she cried, letting every crystal clear teardrop roll down her face.'
8. "...I have no rights to tell." should be '...I have no right to tell.'
9. "My tears won't stop, so as hers." should be 'My tears wouldn't stop; neither did hers.'
10. " it, tell me why is my mother is yours?!" should be ' it. Tell me why my mother is your mother too!"
11. "Yes, if you want to ask, I'm going to wait for her outside." should be 'I was going to wait for her to come out.'

Enjoyment: 3/5 While I like the overall plot of the story, your poor grammar and misuse of vocabulary make it really hard to read.

Structure: 3/5 When you change scenes, you don't make it flow. You should write something like 'The next morning...' or 'After work...' instead of skipping to the next event.

Overall: 68/85=80 The forbidden love of a young man and his doppelganger from another dimension. The plot is amazing, but the grammar and characterization need work.

Reply: Thank you for the review! I credited already~ ^^