Bleu
Finished on 10/9/2013

A Dangerous Game
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/390722/a-dangerous-game-angst--mpreg-krisyeol-xiuhan-krishan-chanmin

About: Kris(Exo)+Chanyeol(Exo)+Xiumin(Exo)+Luhan(Exo), Angst, , Mpreg,

Title: 2/5 The title is not really that interesting at all. It doesn't made the reader feel entranced to the story. I suggest changing some words in the title. Besides that, the title is really relevant to the story, but I truly wish you made the title more interesting.

Foreword: 4/10 The foreword format is rather creative. To the new readers, it's rather confusing since you changed the foreword and didn't erase the old one. Also, I feel like you gave out a bit too much details about the story. In the last sentence of the foreword there was a spelling/grammar mistake. It should have been, "But then, Luhan appeared in their marriage life and tried to break them apart with the help of his unwilling fiancé, Kim Minseok."

Plot: 22/25 I am very impressed by how you transitioned throughout your story. The plot is really great; it is also really detailed. I don't know if it's because of all the angst and fluff (which I am a er for), but I just couldn't stop reading it. Not only was the relationship between Chanyeol and Kris adorable, there also was a lot of dramatic moments between Luhan and Minseok. This plot was like a mix of spicy and sweetness. Also, at first I expected that Luhan would be a minor character and have a very angel like personality, but I couldn't believe that amazing twist you put in the story with having Luhan being so devious. Although the whole and mpreg thing is not cliche at all, the fact that Luhan is abusing his "lover", and also the fact that Luhan is sabotaging Kris and Chanyeol's love life is rather cliche.

Characters: 25/25 You described the main characters very well, even the minor characters. Their personalities were very vivid and detailed. Good job; I am very impressed.

Grammar and Spelling: 14/20 The spelling and grammar is good, but there are many minor mistakes, such as; in chapter 6 you wrote, "Hello there, I'm sorry I make you waiting". It should have been, "Hello there, I'm sorry I made you wait". There are also times when you forgot to add a comma, period, or exclamation point before the apostrophe. Also, there are a few times where you chose the wrong tense, or you started a sentence with one tense and ended it with a different tense.

Flow: 15/15 The flow is amazing, you described each scene with a lot of details. Well done.

Overall: 82/100 Very good story, just minor mistakes in the story. I suggest you proofread your chapters to see if you have any grammar/spelling mistakes before you submit it.

Redo #1

Bleu
Finished on 12/1/2013

A Dangerous Game

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/390722/a-dangerous-game-angst--mpreg-krisyeol-xiuhan-krishan-chanmin

About: Kris(Exo)+Chanyeol(Exo), Xiumin(Exo), Luhan(Exo),Angst,,Mpreg,

Title 3/5 The title isn't really that creative. It doesn't make the reader feel entranced to the story at first sight. I noticed that the title is really relevant to the story. I also like how used the title as repetition throughout the story. The only thing I wish you would have done is make the title more interesting and eye-catching.

Foreword 3/10 – The way you wrote your foreword and description is really creative. To the new readers, your foreword would be considered really confusing. I understand that you changed your story, but why didn't you erase the old foreword? I suggest you split your forewords into two, I noticed that the authors note and the description of the story is put together–this makes it really confusing. Your foreword gives away too much information, I really wish you let the readers figure out about Luhan's true personality. You also have some spelling and grammar mistakes such as . . .

❁ “I have decided to change this story's tittle to a new one. . .I don't know why I make Luhan as a bad character but... happens, you know. I couldn't help it. Too many idea pop in my mind. . .They're involve in that dangerous game.” should be “I have decided to change this story's title to a new one. . .I don't know why I made Luhan the antagonist but... happens, you know. I couldn't help it. Too many ideas popped into my mind. . . They're now involved in a dangerous game.”

❁ “But then, Luhan appeared in their marriage life and try to brake them apart by the help of his unwilling fiance, Kim Minseok.” should be “But then, Luhan appears in their marriage life and tries to break them apart by the help of his unwilling fiance, Kim Minseok.”

Plot 15/20 – This plot is really great; it is also really detailed as well. Not only do you describe their actions and dialogue well, the settings are top-notched too. I am very impressed by how you transition throughout your story, usually, most writers just randomly change the setting–but no, you actually wrote details having the settings being changed. I don't know if its because of all the angst and fluff (which I am a huge er for), but I just couldn't stop reading this. The plot was like a mixture of sugar and salt. One chapter there's the fluff between Chanyeol and Kris, and then the next chapter theres the angst between Luhan and Minseok. If I didn't read the foreword, I would have believed that Luhan would have an angel-like personality. I couldn't believe that amazing twist you put in the story with have Luhan being a devil instead. Although and mpreg is not cliché at all, Luhan abusing his “lover”, and the fact that Luhan is trying to get in between Kris and Chanyeol's love life is rather cliché.

Characters 20/20 – Wow, I'm really impressed on how you described the characters. Their personalities were very vivid and detailed. They were also not too cliché or too mary-sue. I'm really happy that you still kept the story the main topic and not let the whole idea of defining your characters perfectly mess you and your flow up.

Grammar and Spelling 14/20 – The spelling and grammar is okay, but I can't skip the fact that there are many minor mistakes. There are also many times when you forgot to add a comma, period, or exclamation point before the apostrophe. Like others, you choose present tense when you're clearly talking about the past, or you started a sentence with one tense and ended it with a different tense.

❁ In chapter 6 you wrote,“Hello there, I'm sorry I make you waiting.” should be, “Hello there, I'm sorry I made you wait.”

❁ In chapter 6 you wrote,“Their wedding has been canceled right after Luhan accidentally met Kris at the market. On their wedding day, Luhan refused to say 'I do' and walked off from the church, leaving Minseok and all the guest dumbstruck.” should be “Luhan and Minseok's wedding had been canceled right after Luhan met Kris at the market. On the day of their wedding, Luhan had refused to say “I do” and walked out of the church–leaving Minseok and the guests dumbstruck.”

❁In chapter 9 you wrote,”Being away from someone he loved for a whole month was slowly making his heart shattered in thousand pieces. Chanyeol sighed and went to his wife, hugging him closely.” should be “Being away from someone he loves for a whole month was slowly making his heart shatter into thousands of pieces. Chanyeol sighed and went to his wife, hugging him closely to his chest.

Flow 15/15 – The flow was really well-written and planned. You described each scene with a lot of details. I can really tell you do great at organizing and planning.

Enjoyment 3/5 – I really enjoyed your story :). You really blew my mind when you put that twist in. Although, I was really confused by your story sometimes cause of grammar or spelling mistakes.

Structure 4/5 – I feel like your font is too big. Also, your paragraph spacings are just right.

Overall 77/100 – Your plot is really good, your writing style is really neat. The only problem is your grammar and spelling and foreword. I suggest proofreading and somehow change your foreword.

Reply: Omona!! Thanks a lot for this awesome review! !! I greatly appreciate it!! I cant believe I can achieve that much score!! Im so glad about this!! It feels like im passing my English paper with flying colours!!! Thanks again!!