Bleu
Finished on 1/10/2014

Snowfall
https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/627411/snowfall-angst-family-oneshot-exo-kai-kyungsoo-kaisoo

About: Kai(EXO)+Kyungsoo(EXO), angst, family relationships, oneshot, exo, kai, kyungsoo

Title 3/5– The title is eye-catching and unique and all, but I really don't see how it has to do with the story. Your story is about Kai being haunted of his past, his past with his brother, his past with his family. The word 'Snowfalls' just doesn't cut it. It does match the atmosphere of it being Christmas, and it's cold and possibly snowing. No real, hard-core relevance though.

Foreword 9/10– The foreword is simple and eye-catching. It doesn't give off too much information nor does it give off too little. It gives us readers a clear glimpse of what Kai is going through. You used metaphors and personification perfectly, and your words match the story. The only thing I didn't like is that you started a sentence with 'but'. You should never, ever, start a sentence with 'but', unless you have a reason.

❁”Somewhere in a blizzard, Kai is starting anew, hoping that time would heal his scars. But truth is, time is just an illusion, and some things were just never meant to be.” should be,”Somewhere in a blizzard, Kai is starting anew- hoping that time will heal his scars. Truth is though, time is just a deceitful illusion, and some things in life, were just never meant to be.”

Plot 16/20– Not much can be said since this is a pretty short oneshot, or a drabble really. The only thing I didn't like is that you didn't give us much information. What did happen between Kai and his family? Why is he haunted by Kyungsoo? Why does he need pills? You left us readers with so many mysteries... I really like how you gave us a great example of Kai's hatred to his brother though. It really made me get goosebumps. Also, there aren't many cliffhangers and twists, kinda disappointing since this was an angst.

Characters 16/20– Kai is really well-described, but you have many holes in your characters. First off, why does Kai need pills? Does he have some sort of sickness or something? Or is it because of anxiety. Another thing is, What happened between Kai and Kyungsoo? Also, Why does Kyungsoo mock Kai about his family? Did something happen? I feel like you have a lot of holes to fill in. I really like how you told us readers that Kyungsoo was Kai's brother, without having to tell us straightforword.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20– I noticed that you used the British English way to spell favourite and realise, I suggest putting an author note somewhere since people will get confused, and possibly automatically assume you spelled it wrong. I feel like you overused the pronoun,”he”, try thinking up with some synonyms. You have very few spelling mistakes, little to none actually. You just have a few run-off sentences that are really easy to fix. Also, I feel like your actions are too, bland. There's this old saying, three is a magic number. You should always use three periods, not two, not four, etc.

❁”Kai finally reached at the front porch.” should be,”Kai finally reached the front porch of his house.”

❁”He went to his bedroom to change to more comfortable clothing and grabbed a pen while he was at it to fill in the envelope before he forgets again.” should be,”He strolled to his bedroom to change into more comfortable clothing. Along the way, he grabbed a pen so he could fill in the envelope, before he forgets again.”

❁”M-my pills.. urgh..” he thought. He managed to regain his balance, but the headache was still there.” should be,”M-my pills...urgh...” He thought. Kai had managed to regain his balance, but his headache still remained.”

Enjoyment 2/5– To be honest, I wasn't really a huge fan of this story. I love your writing style, it has so much potential. But the thing is, this story has too many holes, all you did was leave me with a bunch of mysteries, which is sad since I really liked the story.

Structure 2/5– I wish you would capitalize your chapter names, if they aren't capitalize, I find them rather childish-looking. Also, once you capitalize them it would give off a better aura to the readers. No one wants to read a story with chapter names that aren't capitalized. Also, I feel like your paragraph spacings are too wide, there are times when you triple space, and times where you quadruple space. I feel like you did that to make your writing seem to be longer than it actually.

Overall 63/85=74/100– Your story has a lot of potential, and your grammar mistakes are really minor. This story has too many holes though, there is just too big of a cliffhanger at the end of this story.

Reply: Thank you for the review! Your insights are very useful to me :D Will credit~