Bleu
Finished on 12/16/2013

Revolving Around One Thing
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/571089/revolving-around-one-thing-action-mafia-romance-teentop-exok-kai-gangsterlife

About: Kai(Exo)+OC, Teentop, Exo-k, mafia, action, gangsterlife, romance

Title 4/5– I feel like the title is too long and it lacks explanation about the story. It is very rare to see something like this, and it is also eye-catching. Although it isn't clear about what the title is relevant to. I'm just assuming, but when you say 'Revolving Around One Thing', is that supposed to be relevant to how the main character, Eunsuh, is only thinking about one thing in her life, revenge? Also, I feel like the title doesn't give clear information on the story.

 

Foreword 6/10– I feel like your foreword is really messy; everything's literally all over the place. I suggest thinking of a draft in your mind or even on paper before you write it. There are many grammar mistakes such as run-off sentences, lack of punctuation, too straightforward sentences, and some sentences that don't really make much sense. I'm just curious, but is there a reason why you put 'Le main characters'? I feel like for your first paragraph, you could put it in diamond-form and make it look more eye-catching such as...

❁”She was the perfect weapon. She doesn't ask questions, she does what she's told and... she doesn't have a conscience. Up until she met him, her life had revolved around one thing. Revenge.” should be,

“Bang Eunsuh,

A perfect weapon,

She doesn't ask questions.

She does what she is told to.

The best thing is,

She doesn't have a conscience.

Until she meets him,

Her life has revolved around only one thing.

R e v e n g e.”

❁ “The eldest brother. Has a conscience, which means he doesn't really want to be in a gang but because of his younger sister, he has led himself to the conclusion that he must stay in order to support her. Specializes in hand-to-hand combat and mechanics.” should be,”The eldest brother. Unlike his sister, he has a conscience–which means he doesn't really want to be in a gang. He has led himself to the conclusion that he must by his younger sisters' side and support her. He specializes in close combat and mechanics.”

❁ “The second eldest. Labelled by his siblings as 'Umma'. Ever since the death of his mother, he stepped up to the role of taking care of his younger siblings, protecting them from each other, and helping Minsoo mediate the fights. Specializes in computers--mainly hacking.” should be, ”The second eldest who has been labeled by his siblings as the 'Umma'. Ever since the dreadful death of their mother, he has stepped up to the position of taking care of his younger siblings, swearing to protect them from any harm in this cruel world. He helps Minsoo mediate any fighting. He specializes in computers–mainly hacking.”

There are more mistypes.

 

Plot 17/20–Your writing style makes the readers feel as if they were in the story themselves. You describe the events with many details, and you don't just write them, you express them. The only thing I didn't like is that, this type of plot is too cliché. I've read many stories with the main character wishing for revenge on someone. Usually for the death of a family member, or someone she cares for.

 

Characters 14/20– You don't just write their emotions and actions, you express it. The characters really seem to pop. The thing is though, the male siblings–the exception of Minsoo–all seem to have the same personalities. Although you do tell us they have different personalities in the foreword, you don't really execute it well. Also, during the events about the past, I really can't believe the fact that 8-13 year olds have such a language. Also, I find the idea of Eunsuh's personality changing that much is really unnatural.

 

Grammar and Spelling 15/20– You use some really high level words in your sentences. I noticed that you have a lot of run-off sentences, and you lack correct punctuations. Also, I'm really curious but, how could you use * for apostrophes sometimes? You also have a habit of starting sentences with pronouns, which can be a blessing and a curse. If you use too much than it would seem too redundant to the readers. Also, if you use too little, it wouldn't give enough information. A few examples of your mistakes would be...

❁ In chapter one,”Do you want us to go after them father?”two young men in dressed in black suits turned to ask their leader who was staring after the children.” should be,”Do you want us to go after them, father?” Two young men, dressed in black suits, turned to ask their leader–who was staring at the children trying to run away.”

❁ In chapter three,”During the four years they've spent with their new 'father'-- as he insisted to be called-- they had all acquired a specific set of skills through hard work and torture. And along the way, they found their uncle. Or... maybe it was more as if he had found them. Chanhee was being trained as a hacker, Eunsuh as a spy, Byunghun as a sniper, and of course, Minsoo as a leader. They didn't full understand what the purpose of all this training was-- but the never dared to ask questions.” should be,”During the four years they've spent with their new 'father'–since he insisted to be called that–they had all acquired a specific set of skills through long, hard work, and torture. Along the way, they had found their uncle. Or...maybe it was more like he found them. Chanhee was being trained as a hacker; Eunsuh as a spy; Byunghun as a sniper; and of course, Minsoo–being the oldest–was being trained as a leader. They didn't fully understand what the purpose of all this training was–but they never dared to ask questions.”

 

Flow 10/15– Your transitions are really poor-developed throughout the story. I feel like you just smash events together, since there aren't really any moments where you showed time change. For example, in chapter one, how did the police get there already? You never showed us any transitions or time-change.

 

Enjoyment 4/5– I really like the plot, but it's not that original. I've read many stories with the idea of the main character wanting revenge for someone they care for. I really like how you entranced me into the story though. Although, I do wish the male siblings' personalities varied more.

 

Structure 3/5– I think you should lessen the spacings in the foreword, it's too wide, which makes it look really messy. Also, your font size is way too big. Also, you should know that, when you change the speaker, you have a new paragraph. I noticed that you have a few paragraphs with more than one speaker.

 

Overall 73/100– Your writing style really makes the readers entranced to the story. The only thing is, you have a lot of grammar mistakes in the foreword. You also lack transitions throughout your story. Finally, the male siblings seem to lack their own original personalities; they all feel like the same person–with the exception of Minsoo.

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